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female
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*nanna
writes: I've been with my boyfriend for four years. It has always been nice. He's supportive, a good listener, an honest, hard worker, and awesome at night. We get along very well, like best friends. I'm very comfortable and happy with him. But sometimes I feel like he's not right for me. I want a soulmate, but he doesn't even believe they exist. I feel like our conversations aren't as deep and spiritual as they can be, but they are certainly intimate. I'm a very cerebral person, but he's extremely down-to-earth. There's absolutely nothing wrong with HIM, but at times I feel like he's not on my level. Sometimes I think I could marry him and be very happy, other times I feel like I'd always be missinng out on something. I wonder if I'm just being unrealistic, or if we really aren't meant to be together. I've been wondering this for four years. Do you think I should adjust my attitudes, leave, or just keep waiting for something to change?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2007): hmmm...dont "settle". pray alot. pray for signs. remember, no other person can fill you up completely. that union is between you and a higher power. Whoever you marry, make SURE they are KIND and COMPASSIONATE. and its really a neat experience when you are so close with someone, you can read their minds...im with my soulmate now, but i know i have another one out their waiting for me. this makes me sad, scared and happy. the soulmate i have now, is the emotional level i am at. as i continue to grow in my emotional and spiritual development, and he doesnt, i will meet someone new. OR, he will change, and grow with me. sometimes people grow apart. i say, you are only supposed to be with one person [at a time]. so might as well wait for your soulmate...
A
female
reader, Soulapartress +, writes (10 November 2005):
Hi Inanna,
I want to encourage you to listen to angelicdivauk...take a break and find out - be certain. I was in your exact same shoes 10 years ago, and although the passion and romance was absent in our 4 year relationship - I couldn't imagine life without him, so we married. Our marriage is very successful, and we've raised a beautiful family blah, blah, blah...But guess what happened about a year ago. I met my soulmate. He and I are true friends, and in love, living parallel lives, and despite our best efforts to deny and downplay our emotions...our attraction is so strong - it's like a bull in a China store - we work together and can't even be in the same room together, or look each other in the eyes, without betraying ourselves. We both fought it tirelessly and finally in Aug, in a moment of weakness we kissed and it was like the Overture of 1812!!! We knew we had to deal with, confess and talked about it. We regret not meeting earlier, but there is nothing we can do about it now. We've both married to exceptionally wonderful people - and have awesome little people we love and cherish...but I can't even hear his voice, or see him without my heart jumping out of my shirt and we have only worked together, talked (mostly about our families) and kissed - and we're pining after each other and dying to be together! He's gotten transferred to another location and leaves soon, and I'm so broken and hurt...We're miserable! I deleted all of his e-mails, and we're truly gonna try not to contact one another...but...I'm taking one day at a time - and my whole life is called into question.
So please wait. I love my husband and have no intentions to leave him, but had I even an inkling that someone like my soulmate existed out there, I never would have married him. What's even worse...I feel guilty because now I know I'm not his soulmate, and his special someone is also out there looking for him. I love and admire him so much - he deserves and I want the best for him-I have to live with the knowledge it's not me. All because I settled. My husband is a realist, and doesn't believe in romance, and I hope his soulmate never finds him because...neither did I before this happened to me.
In any case, like I said...PLEASE take my advise and ...Pray and Pray and Pray (send one up for us too), and if you decide to move on, do it with a clear conscious...it's best for you and best for him. If you already feel that missing link...just know God has created a match for you and your boyfriend - you just have to wait on Him to reveal them to you.
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A
female
reader, angelicdivauk  +, writes (7 November 2005):
 I believe that maybe the right thing for you to do is to go on a slight break. You need to have a little time to yourself where you can go out and experience other personalities and different attitudes, maybe then you will appreciate what you have with your partner, which will ultimately make your relationship stronger. Good Luck, Hugs and Kisses xoxox
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2005): You are not unusual, I hear many women who become discouraged and they have a difficulty maintaining those "loving feelings" in a relationship. Your boyfriend sounds wonderful and I think you need to let these feelings, run their course. He may be your life mate and you just don't realize it, yet. We tend to choose partners who compliment us rather than copy us. It makes for balance and diversity. The down side of course, is that opposites need to be respectful of each other's differences and negotiate a lot. When we discover this in a relationship that other saying comes to mind: "the honeymoon is over". All veteran couples will tell you both that this is where the committment really begins. How you both learn to handle your differences will over time set the tone for your relationship. Most couples will agree it is a long term process. Remember, if you were to date again, you could feel an immediate bond with someone, but real, committed love takes much more work and a long, long time to get established-it sounds like you already have this. This solid type of love is what it takes to build a family and a future with someone. I suggest hanging in there and keep at this...you have your best friend and that is "truely what love is"...being your authentic, true self with someone you love. Give this a chance.
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A
male
reader, Ellis Mac +, writes (7 November 2005):
Ah. Soulmates.It's about what you believe. There is a possibility that you could have more than one soulmate. You could have 1000 soulmates, or more!! How does that grab you?
Every single human being is made of the same salt and earth and water, and this is what unites us. With the amount of people roaming this earth, is it really unlikely that there could be hundreds of thousands of people that we could really 'connect' with?
I'm a great believer that different people fill different needs in us, and you can not expect one person to fulfill all of your needs. A good example of this would be to mention my sister. 45 and married for 10 years, her and her husband are a loving couple. My sister is deeply into self awareness and discovery and her husband is a very regular kind of guy, that is happy for her to go off on retreats and holidays with Kamal, someone that she regularly tells me is her soulmate. Her husband, secure in my sister's love for him, does not feel threaten in any way about this relationship as he knows that Kamal connects with apart of my sister's make up, that he cannot, and doesn't particularily want to. As he knows it is not a sexual attraction, there really are no problems.
Seeking a soulmate does not have to mean bringing an end to your current relationship, especially when it seems so healthy. It would seem to me that sex is the only issue complicating things for you. So ask yourself, are you really seeking a new sexual partner? If the answer is no, then I suggest you open your heart, firstly to yourself, and allow any number of your soul mates to come gliding into your life. The happiness and fulfilment it will bring to you, could ripple not just through your life but in your life with your boyfriend too. However you may have to spend some time expalaining it to your boyfriend and making sure that he understands that this does not even touch upon your relationship with him. Be Gentle, and try to put yourself in his shoes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2005): I think that you are in love with your boyfriend very much but that you are feeling like there is something more out there for you. Somewhere in your heart you love your boyfriend alot or else you would have never stayed with him this long. Taking time from each other is what always helps. This is where you both can decided if marriage is right for you. Getting marry because your with him for four years is wrong, if you marry him it should be because " He is your world". It's about trust and commitment. Love is hard enough with realationship and getting marry makes it more hard because it is teamwork all the way. Take time away from each other for a few weeks and then decided together what is best. Time, Love and Patience will always make the heart grow more fonder.
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A
female
reader, lyndsey +, writes (6 November 2005):
For goodness sake girl i really don't know what your complaining about, most people would give there right arm to be with someone like him and be as happy as you are. Your longing for perfection and it does,nt exsist the grass isn,t always greener on the other side and i think if you did leave him you would be comparing your next boyfriend to him.It wont take long for a man like that to be snapped up, so think long and hard before you throw him away.You say your both different but thats a good thing if you both thought the same and liked all the same things life would soon get very boring.As for finding your soulmate i think you already have don't you lyndseyx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2005): I agree with eyeswideopen about 80%. To be so certain with no reservations seems unrealistic, but from experience I married a man who was 'nice' and 'kind' and attentive, and now we are splitting up because it isn't enough after 25 years. Yes we have real intimacy, but sex and familarity with each other has just confirmed that the X factor is missing. I don't mind him touching me, I bear it but don't relish it. I cannot say 'I love you' because I would feel a hypocrite and a lier. I NEVER want to touch him with love and affection, I just don't feel it and you cannot make it happen just because you want it to.
Think hard what you want. I married mine because I was shy and could not imagine meeting anyone else who would want me, now I have to lead him around by the nose, make all the decisons, pay all the bills, decide when we eat... I really regret taking so many years of his life and my own.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2005): Make sure you know what you want in life before you do anything. Some people break up with boyfriends becuse they feel they aren't their soul mates but relise that they are and dont see it until their with someone else you don't want to make any stupid mistakes. Hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (6 November 2005):
 Nobody and I mean NOBODY should consider marriage unless they are ecstatically and unconditionally in love with their intended. There can be no reservations at all. If you feel like you are missing out on something NOW you can bet you will certainly feel even more so down the line.
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A
reader, schlottjl +, writes (6 November 2005):
 First of all, you have to decide what a soul mate is. Is it someone who "completes you"? Do they fit perfectly so that you know and never have to question it? Would there be no conflict or very little? Would they agree with you on all important issues and have all the same goals? Is there only one or are there many?
The reason that this is important is that all of the above is not even possible. At least not in any one person. If there is one thought process that is more destructive to relationships it is the belief in soul mates. It just about ruins every relationship faster than any other idea out there.
Why, because there will always be questions which undermine commitment. Think of it this way:
You want to buy a new car and can't decide between a foreign, sporty car or a reliable, practical car. You think long and hard and decide that you only live once and have no kids so you buy your dream car.
All is well for the first year or so. Then your dream car breaks down when you least can afford the hassle. You are stranded and now have to fork out big time bucks for a repair. You start to wonder if the other car would not have been wiser.
Or after you buy the sporty car you and your friends want to go out but you don't have room for all of them and they end up having to drive every time. You wonder if there was not some other car that would have suited you better.
The point being is that there is no such thing as "the one". There is only such a thing as being "the one". When you commit to someone, you have to realize that both of you are living in fantasy and have many hopes for the future. Reality sets in, feelings flatten and both worry that they settled for the wrong person. Do you want your guy to second guess you as a person and your quality? Acceptance is vital for any long term commitment.
Please consider that you have good conversations and that is more than most men offer- trust me on this. Consider that you don't want to marry you one day but a separate and distinct person who maybe even is different than you so you can both specialize and together you are better than apart. If you are exactly the same, you are great in the same areas and lost in the same areas.
Since you can't pinpoint what that missing ingredient is, consider that the next important stage of real love is setting in. You are becoming disillusioned! Yeah! Real intimacy and trust is about to be realize if you make it through the next stage. Be aware, this is the stage that makes or breaks you as a couple. It feels like hell, but it is a step in the right direction. Real love is not always fun and full of passion. That is the illusion. Real love involves frustration and compromise. It is worth it and it does get better. But if real love is what you want you need to become disillusioned and see clearly. It is vital that reality is faced for you to really love your man.
Hang in there and stop sabotaging a good thing. Research the stages of love in relationships and the value of commitment. Finally, look into how men show their love and look for those actions. Use your friends for the cerebral stimulation you crave and you can have all the happiness you desire.
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A
male
reader, Calidus +, writes (6 November 2005):
Maybe you want too much?
Sounds to be you have someone whom alot of people wish they could have, if you loose him, you may find that he was the best person for you.
I think you should "adjust" your attitude towards him.. The way you decribe him, makes it seems like you love him, whyd you'd want more, is beyond me.
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A
female
reader, beenthere +, writes (6 November 2005):
don't wait and expect him to change. you're getting almost everything from him. your soulmate doesn't have to be your partner. maybe you could go to places where you can meet new friends. have deep conversations with them. there's no need for either of you to change if your happy together
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2005): I know exactly what you are feeling, it is called human nature. Once a person has everything they want, it them becomes not good enough. I suggest that you find what is making you wonder what it is you are missing. I guarantee you will be much happier. But remember, that will not be good enough either.
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