A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, and thanks!So my boyfriend and I have been together about 3 years. When it's good it's great, when it's bad, its horrible! He has mood swings. Mostly money related. He will be okay when he has money, but if hes broke he acts like a child. I have a good career, and hes not on his feet yet really. So, sometimes he relies on me to take care of him. I have helped out several times but I believe it's time for him to make a change. I feel I'm enabling the situation sometimes so I stopped. Now hes more moody then ever. We will talk or text and I'll say something and he looks for the opportunity to jump on me for small , petty things. Example: I asked what he was up to, he said laying down. I replied, " awe I wish I could", he flipped. He said , " don't put me down! Your saying, " I'm lazy"!? I was taken back and told him all I meant is I don't get the chance to do that alot. I feel like I am walking on egg shells. In person he can be loving when he wants to. When things are going okay in his life. If not, he seems to pick on me. I try to be calm, and cival but I do stand up for myself as well. I don't see this changing because I've expressed to him several times that hes being disrespectful to me. He will be nice for awhile then ask for money, when I say no it's like a different person. My friends think hes around because I was generous to him before and maybe their right. Any comments would be great! I appreciate it
View related questions:
money, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2021): You have grown and matured in the past three years? Really. A grown mature person would not be allowing someone who does not respect them to be in their life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2021): You clearly are not able to see the truth here even though it stares you in the face. Nor are you able to make sensible decisions. This really worries me, it makes me wonder what sort of mess the rest of your life is in if you use the same emotions and lack of reason when thinking about those things!
Maybe the best you can do is another person who is not that sharp and capable, not good at making decisions, someone like you. But you do deserve someone who is also not asking you to pay their bills for them, someone who contributes 50 / 50 on everything. There is nothing wrong with not being smart, but there is a lot wrong with someone only wanting you for your money. Everyone in a relationship should be equal. The reason so many relationships do not work is because one gives more than than another and the other takes more than the other.. i.e. a very old person expects a very young one, an ugly person wants a very attractive one, a poor person wants someone with money, two people who have nothing at all in common that matters but where one wants to benefit from the other and wants the other to down date. Look at what you can offer a potential partner. You are not smart, but you are a good age, healthy, decent, loyal, look for another person who is the same.
...............................
A
female
reader, malvern  + ♥, writes (14 August 2021):
 Get out of this relationship and find somebody who is more worthy of you because you don’t have to put up with it as you’re not legally bound to him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2021): This guy is not your boyfriend/lover/partner, he is your gigolo. If you stopped giving him money he would disappear, and you know that. That is not a relationship. It's very sad that you bother with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 August 2021):
 " My friends think hes around because I was generous to him before and maybe their right."
Yeah... I think your friends are dead on. The dead give away? He gets "moody" when you tell him NO to giving him money.
"He will be nice for awhile then ask for money, when I say no it's like a different person. "
That is so distasteful, I don't even know what to say!
You two have been together for 3 years and he STILL hasn't gotten his SHIT together financially, what makes you think he ever will?
I think he is an entitled mentality. As in if "I" (him) don't have any money OTHERS (especially you but I bet his parents and or siblings too) should GIVE him money. And I bet you, this has WORKED for him so he KEEPS doing it. It's like the people who make "go-fund-me" and say it's for vet bills (or something to tuck at the heartstrings) and then you see them on a vacation a month later. Yeah, that's no good.
"I feel I'm enabling the situation sometimes so I stopped. Now hes more moody then ever."
Yes, you did enable him, but HE also WANTED this. He felt ENTITLED to this. He doesn't WANT to put in the effort to get on his own two feet when he can "just" get money or help from YOU. Of course, he is moody! He isn't getting what HE wants!
OP. You are in a relationship where YOU are expected to assume the "parent" and "provider" role because you have your SHIT together.
" I feel like I am walking on egg shells." Because HE is laying out a "minefield" around him hoping you will step on one so HE can "gaslight" the fire out of you. He is playing the "woe is me" game. And if you don't feel "sufficiently" sympathetic towards him, he will get verbally aggressive and put words in your mouth and thoughts in your head you NEVER said or thought. To make YOU feel bad.
OP, I think your relationship has run its course.
You have grown and matured in these 3 years, you are "adulting" - having a career, a budget, good friends, etc. He hasn't. I mean he sounds like a literal CHILD.
If you really think about this, IS this the guy (AS HE IS NOW - not how you think he can be if he gets his shit together and grows up) the one you see yourself with 3 years from now? 5? 10?
He might NEVER change. Consider that. He might NEVER get his shit together.
I think you can do better. I think as sweet as he CAN be (in person) you can find someone who is both mature, loving, sweet, kind, and caring. Someone who can be your EQUAL. Not your "sugar baby".
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2021): Yes,your friends are right,you are being taken advantage off.But even if they were not right,.and he was just very un lucky with money, or very frail emotionally,or very whatever...why do you wantvto put yourself through all this ?!You are too young to be a sugar mama- and too "together".Maybe this guy is not a total laser (and scammer),maybe he is just gong through a prese or something...and yet.You are just not aligned in intents,purposes and lifestyle.He's a dead weight you carry around.And since you don't see him changing anytime soon....you have already got your answer,haven't you?
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (12 August 2021):
 I think your friends are right, he has stuck around because you were generous to him in the beginning. You were probably the only one that would give him the time of day, and how does he repay you, by being mean and disrespectful to you.
You are not his responsibility and he needs to man up and take charge of his own life instead of looking to others for handouts so that he can continue being a lazy so and so.
By you own admission you don't see this changing, so why are you still with him?. What does your womens intuition tell you to do?.
Well i think you deserve better than him, and i think its time you stepped up and finished things with him and moved on and find someone who works with you in a relationship and not against you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (12 August 2021):
 Listen to your friends. They have your best interests at heart and are not as invested in this guy as you are.
You admit that you don't see this changing, so why are you wasting more time on him? He sees you as a cash cow, a meal ticket. When you don't oblige, he gets nasty. It is not your responsibility to payroll him with money YOU have earned. He is an adult and needs to make choices in his life which will enable him to be self sufficient. You are not his mummy.
You admit to feeling like you are walking on eggshells when you are communicating with him. Is this how you want to live your life? Or do you think - like me - that you deserve better? MUCH better?
...............................
|
