A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I am currently in a long distance relationship with a man. He is from the US, and is 21 years old, and I am from the UK, and am 18 years old. We met online, and have been together for a couple of months now.We are still going strong: We are literally on call all day, to the point where we stay on, even when we're asleep, or doing other things, like when we're in college or spending time with our families, etc. We are literally inseparable. We know each other inside out: we know about each other's past relationships, our family, old friends, our mistakes, our insecurities, etc. I've never felt so comfortable with anyone else before, and he can read me like a book, and I can read him, just as easily. He's not just my lover, he is my best friend. All our friends know about us, he's introduced me to his friends, and I've introduced him to mine. We're literally so proud of being with each other, that we'll openly tell teachers etc that we're together, and neither of us has any doubts. We have even had cyber sex too. Only thing is, we haven't actually met yet in person. I mean we've texted, we've voice called, video-called etc, but we just haven't met physically. This is due to the fact that both of us are still in full time education, neither of us has a job hence enough money to pay for a ticket or to get an apartment/flat of our own, both of us have physical disabilities, and both of us have families who still don't let us date people we like, so neither of our families know yet. However, we are both trying to put things into place, so that we can meet. We have a couple of friends who are trying to help us out, as they've been through the same thing, and we are trying to get jobs. I know some LDR's don't work, but equally, there are some that do. My own mom and my step dad were in one for almost a decade. But because we haven't met, one of my friends says we are not actually in a real relationship, which, is his opinion, so fair enough. I'm still staying with my man, and have no intention of ending it. But I'm just curious to know what you guys think: Do you class LDR's as real relationships, even if you haven't physically met yet?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (17 November 2018):
 OP, it’s hard to hear when you’re sure of everything, but it’s not going to change the advice and opinions. I’ve been in a strong LDR, but you still won’t listen. That’s okay because it’s up to you what you do, but that doesn’t mean our opinions or advice don’t apply to your situation; it just means you don’t want it to.
We all wish you the best of luck with it; we just hope you’ll be more realistic.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf you guys read the question properly, I had only asked for some genuine opinions, and made it pretty clear that I wasn't going to break up with him, and that's all I emphasized in my follow-ups. And yes, I did agree with some of the advice, actually.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2018): You put 'we just haven't met physically'.
JUST? Its the most important part!!
I don't understand how people from your generation can think that you're in a relationship when you haven't even met!
How does he kiss? Does it make you melt? Or is he sloppy at kissing and wants to have a good old feel round all your teeth and stick his tongue too far in? Too much saliva? You don't know.
How does he smell? A VERY important part of chemistry and relationships. It can literally make or break a relationship. Again you have no idea. You could get next to him and have his smell repel you. I'm not talking about hygiene, I'm talking about pheromones.
How does he behave around other people when he's on a date with you? Again a very important indicator of how someone will eventually behave when they become more comfortable around you. Again you have no idea. You know a little about how he behaves around his family. Not enough info.
I understand that there is an attraction for you both it would seem and who knows it might work out. But to be mature about it, you have to realise that this is one hell of as crapshoot. There are THOUSANDS of things that can make us fall for someone and thousands more that can make us change our minds. These are things that people who are in real, physically present relationships won't know for a long time, because we all present our best side to begin with. As you SPEND ACTUAL PHYSICAL time together over months and years, you get to know someone. You have got to know SOME things about this man, but you have only scratched the surface. You CAN'T hope to know the real him this quickly and over the internet.
You ARE showing your youth and your naivety. When this feeling happens for the first time, everyone thinks it's the real deal. Older people know different because they've been there and done that and they have felt this closeness and connection with more than one person who ended up not being right for them. And they couldn't find that out to begin with, you have to spend real physical time with each other to discover someone. And even then it takes a long time.
I can hear from your follow ups that you don't agree with what's being said to you and that's your prerogative. And who knows he might be Mr. Right. But you honestly CANNOT know that until you have spent physical time with him. And a lot of it. A couple of months is neither here nor there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2018): Please remember that, if you ask for advice, you need to be open to taking it. You're not inseparable at all. You're very much separated and will be for a very long time. I know it's hard, but it's true. You don't know each other well, you don't know how you each live, you don't know each other's quirks, you don't know each other's pasts, you don't know each other's friends, etc. You're not "still going strong"; you've only been an online "couple" for a couple of months.
OP, the above may sound harsh, but it's all true and you need to treat the LDR as what it is, which is not a regular relationship - so there is no "inseparable" or "still going strong" after a couple of months. You're young, naive (not a bad thing) and seeing it all through rose-tinted glasses, which is normal. That said, you're not being realistic and that's why people won't take it seriously.
You like the idea of each other. Until you meet up, you're just pen friends. Until you can visit regularly, it's not a "proper" relationship. I hate to say it because loads of people are in LDRs, but it's true and that's why they rarely last long enough to close the distance or are real enough to survive if you manage to close the distance.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, as I have said, I have no intention of ending things with him, and if i get hurt, its a risk i'm willing to take. but thank you anyway
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 November 2018):
As someone who has been in a serious LDR, you have to be able to visit for a couple of weeks every few months (or similar) or you’re not really in each other’s lives enough to form a proper connection and know that it’s worth the risk of one of you moving countries. You have to be happy to live in that area on your own, in case it doesn’t work out. You have to try living together for months before moving there and having to marry to close the distance is a bad idea because it often ends in divorce after you realise you’re not as compatible as you felt over LDR.When you’re this young, it’s almost impossible to keep one up, even with a job because you need to use this time in your life to focus on your own development, not pining after someone in a different country. You never see each other for how you both really are, which is why most LDRs don’t work long-term once you close the distance.I’m sorry, but I really think it’s a wast of time to try to make this work. You’re not going to be able to visit each other enough and it’s just going to cause a lot of pain when you develop proper feelings, without the physical needs people have (especially just general closeness) being met. It can quite honestly be agony when you need that support, the cuddles and other basic interactions, but can’t have them.
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A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (12 November 2018):
 This is not a real relationship. You need to meet because that is the only way you will really be able to tell how you both feel.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (12 November 2018):
 Not really.
It’s easy to speak online to someone, you can give off whatever persona you like, until you’ve met someone in person and spent time getting to know them physically then you have no idea what they’re about.
Keep working at the physical meet up, that’s the only way you will know whether this is going to go anywhere.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, and I forgot to add, I fully understand that he may be only showing me the side he wants me to see, but I'm not sure. I mean since we're on call all day every day, I'm always listening when his sister picks on him about his 'hairy chest', or how 'messy' his room is. Basically, I'm always listening to what's going on in his life. And I've been there when he gets angry (not with me, but with other thiogs), and likewise, he's been there when I've been angry, or when my family criticises me. So we both know we're not perfect, but I guess nobody is, are they? xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both so much, Honeypie and Mystiquek. I'm trying not to leave it too long! Trying to get a job. A friend of mine has also offered for me to go with her to the US in February, as she herself is with someone from there. And yeah, the point that we may not physically have that chemistry has worried me a little! But I guess I've got to try, right? And Honeypie, the friend who claimed 'it's not real' didn't really definreal'. He just was like, 'Oh, I don't see this as a real relationship, because you guys haven't met in person'. Thank you both for the advice, about not leaving it too long, and to enjoy what's working, regardless of what friends say! I just wish some of them would be a bit more supportive! Thank you both! xoxo
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (12 November 2018):
 They are real to a point. LDR can start out so easily and effortlessly and the next thing you know it you are hooked. What you have to remember is that you are seeing what the other person WANTS and ALLOWS you to see. Your imagination can fill in the rest of whom you want the person to be and it may or may not be accurate. I've been in several LDR so trust me, I know what I am talking about. You can grow so very attached to the person and sadly sometimes you can make them into someone that they are not! You may think that you are even in love with the person but until you meet them, get to know them, you really don't know. The chemistry that you feel online and through phone calls, skype ect may not be there once you meet.
I will use an example from my past: I adore Japanese men and they are not too easy to find and date where I lived. I was on a language website and "met" a Japanese man. We started chatting and it seemed like we had alot in common. we started chatting every day, we would also call one another. We had hopes of having a real in life relationship, I even considered moving to Japan. After about 6 months, he came to the states. OMG..instant disaster! We didn't hit it off and I found out that I didn't like hardly anything about him in person. He had a horrible personality and was very bossy and controlling. What was supposed to be a week turned into only 3 days because we both just didn't like each other. DISASTER!
Then again...I met my Japanese husband the same way and we have been together for 18 years wonderful years!
Use caution and don't let your head get too far into the clouds. As Honeypie suggests very wisely, don't want too long to meet. My husband and I were in a LDR for a few years because of our jobs but we KNEW each other and had spent much time together. I never suggest waiting too long to meet if at all possible. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 November 2018):
 Yes and no.
If you go back in time, this has happened before all the modern day tech. Where people were set up by family and corresponded until they met. So LDR's are not really anything new.
Is it a "real" relationship? Define real?
I do think it's VERY different when you haven't met in person. It's more "fantasy" than reality, but that doesn't make it NOT REAL.
While I don't think they are as GOOD for people as dating someone you can spend time with in person (not talking sex here) for some it works.
It might work for you two, it might last and it might not - if either of you met someone else in person. Or.. the novelty wears off. Or.. you meet in person and there is zero chemistry.
At your age, I'd say a LDR is both good and bad. Good because it keeps you physically sexually active and risking STD's/pregnancies. Bad because it can seem like the other person is OH SO perfect for you because you don't spend time around them in person.
If this is working for you two now, then enjoy it regardless of what friends say.
I would just suggest that you two shouldn't drag this out for YEARS before you meet.
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