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male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Please don’t shoot me down for asking this question as I know I’ve done wrong and am struggling enough as it is.I’m a 52 year old male, married for 30 years. I’ve not been happy for probably 10 years. As the children grew up we both realised we had nothing in common and had grown apart. We spent next to no time together and had no common interests. We didn’t argue a lot because we simply didn’t see much of one another. It was like we were living separate lives but together.3 years ago I met someone through work and we became friends. Fast forward 2.5 years of friendship and I realised I had deeper feelings for her with no idea how she felt about me. When her mother passed I invited her out for a drink to try and take her mind off things and ended up telling her how I felt. 3 months on I’ve been having an affair with this woman and feel a deeper connection with her than I ever have with my wife.She feels terribly guilty for what we have been doing and has said she can’t see me any more which has torn me apart. I’ve moved out of my home and confessed to my wife. My wife is desperate to save our marriage and the other woman has made it clear she will not continue anything with me while I am still married.I cannot choose between my head and my heart. It would be so easy to follow my head and salvage the situation with my wife. We have built a nice life together and I don’t want to lose the respect of my children or sacrifice my current financial situation. My wife is willing to forgive me but I fear I will not be fulfilled, I haven’t been happy, neither of us have, for so long.But the other woman has my heart. I have never had a connection with anyone like I do with her. I know I will never get over losing her. This isn’t just a mid life fling - I have known this woman 3 years and built a solid friendship with her before anything. I’m going to lose them both if I don’t make a decision soon but I don’t know which way to turn.
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female
reader, malvern  + ♥, writes (24 April 2024):
 I would say move on with your life. You have been unhappy for years. I think your wife is clinging onto financial security and safety since you say you have no life together. Unfortunately you are going to have to sacrifice your current financial situation ….. it’s part and parcel of the whole thing. You may not lose the respect of your children either, you need to talk to them, they may be far more understanding than you think. I divorced years ago and my children are fine with both me and my ex husband and especially so since they are now adults themselves. Don’t stay in an unhappy situation, life’s too short for that. Have a good chat to the new lady in your life because you don’t want to leave your wife only to be rejected by your new lady.
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female
reader, Tinytina +, writes (23 April 2024):
You’ve made a life with your wife and family. Sounds like it’s all got a bit mundane for you. You have a new interest and it’s made you feel alive again I.e another woman. You must have had something there with your wife to be together all these years. Sounds like you’ve both been in a rut, your wife doesn’t want you to leave, she must realize that she can try ramping the relationship up because it’s worth it. Better the devil you know. You must think about that. Three years isn’t a long time and sounds like you have also not left earlier, you mention finances. To be honest, if you were meant to be with the other lady seriously, you wouldn’t be asking what to do, wild horses wouldn’t keep you away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2024): In a nutshell, get a divorce.
Ten years is along time to be unhappy. So you know, and so does your wife, that your marriage is over.
I'm not surprised that your wife is hanging on to the dead relationship because women age differently and she doesn't want to be alone.
You were getting close with your colleague for 3 years and have been together for 3 months. Being friends with someone and being with them are two different things. Three months is not a very long time to get to know someone that way. So you should leave the marriage not because you have a lover, you still don't know her, but because you are unhappy. And you have been unhappy for a very long time.
Whatever you do, do not jump into a serious relationship (live-in situation) before you finalize your divorce and really get to know your lover. This other woman knows exactly what she wants and that's why she has decided, after 3 months, to make you choose. If she had felt bad about this whole thing morally, she would have never started an affair with you or flirt and "get close" to a married man. So she is emotionally blackmailing you. You need to be aware of that.
No one is perfect and you and your lover have faults. The question is are they deal breakers? For that to figure out you need to really get to know someone. Again, do not jump into a new relationship with rosy glasses. Leave the unhappy one because it's the right thing to do and slowly get to know this new love of yours.
You have been unhappy for a very long time and you hunger for happiness, love, romance... so be careful. You are an easy target. I'm not saying that she doesn't like you, I'm saying that she has an upper hand. And she knows it.
A good friend of mine has left a very bad marriage when he met "an ideal woman". She painted herself as a free spirit, who doesn't want a marriage, kids (he had 3 when he met her and 2 marriages and had had enough), who goes out every night (she was 41 at the time), does pot, drinks, travels, has money and connections. They had an affair for a couple of months and then she remembered that she had morals after all. The moment he moved in with her she started "tightening the noose" so to speak and he was cornered for all sorts of reasons. Long story short, he re-did with her what he had already done (and didn't like) with other women: marriage, kid, visiting her family, a job he doesn't like, in a nutshell - a life he doesn't like. But she had him by the ... financially, emotionally...
What I'm saying is, be very VERY careful. Get a divorce for right reasons.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2024): You sound like a fifteen year old. Clueless about women, love, relationships, the future, what to do, despite supposedly being an older and mature male. I feel sorry for both of these women. The only reason a young woman goes for an older man is so called experience and wisdom - which you do not have - or money - which you do not have. Both of them will wise up and realise they are better off without you, probably better off on their own. Never mind about you being an old man who thinks he can pick and choose and decide the fates and happiness of others. You are unreliable and not self aware, so you would make a terrible choice for a woman and you have not known this new one long enough for that to be considered a serious relationship anyway. You talk about it like it is a game where you must be the winner, no thought to their feelings and needs. One day you will end up very very lonely and alone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2024): So you were happy with your wife for 20 years and you've known this woman for three years. You say neither your wife nor you were happy for the last ten years so what kept you together and why is your wife desperate to save the marriage.
Relationships that are new always seem more exciting than when you've been together for years. You've only been having the affair for three months.
To get some perspective why not live apart from your wife for one year and see whether you miss her? You say you have built a nice life together. Is there no more to that than money and what your children think?
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (16 April 2024):
 While I don't agree with affairs I think that you did the right thing divulging to your wife what you have been doing.
Its also good that the other woman said she will not continue anything with you while you are still married.
By you own admission you say you have not been happy with your wife for many years. On this basis I don't think if you gave the marriage another shot all the feelings will come flooding back. Infact neither of you have been happy for so long.
You say that the other woman has your heart, so in my opinion i think that you should divorce your wife and go with the woman who has your heart.
You know in your heart of hearts what you want to do. Life is to short to be unhappy. This other woman makes your heart sing so go where you be happy and not sad.
But do the right thing and apply for divorce before you make any decisions.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2024): Look I know this is harsh to say but you live only once and you have every right to try to be happy in your life. If you are truly unhappy in your marriage then it is fair for both of you to put an end to it before it is too late because things will not get better from now on, it will get worse. Not for the sake of the other woman but for the sake of you and your wife's. Best luck.
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