A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone. So ive been with my boyfriend a year now and we started talking about kids i commented how good he is with his nephews and how hed make a great dad one day to which he said he doesnt want any children. This crushed me as he knew from day one i always wanted them. Im now thinking did he just see how things would go and maybe convince himself he might change his mind or that id change mine. im not sure what to do i dont want to end things with him but i want a longed for child with him im 3 years older than him and i dont have years to have a baby im 43
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (3 December 2018):
 He isn't going to change his mind. He is 40. He probably has a VERY good idea whether he wants kids or not, just like you.
I had my youngest at 35. I feel it was WAY late. She was smaller then my other two, and now at 14 do have some medical issues. Whether it's due to ME being an "older mom" or random draw of the genetic "luck" is impossible to tell.
I'll hit 50 next year and I still haven't hit menopause - unfortunately.... (for me). So it's likely that it will be a while still before you hit it too.
However, you have to consider the possibility of bringing in a healthy child or not. Studies find that offspring born to mothers younger than age 25 or older than 35 have worse outcomes with respect to mortality, self-rated health, height, obesity, and the number of diagnosed conditions than those born to mothers aged 25–34.
Women aged 40 to 44, first birth rates have increased fourfold from the mideighties to 2012.
Having babies at an older age isn’t without its risks. The odds of having a child with birth defects do increase with age.
But it ALL doesn't matter IF your PARTNER doesn't WANT kids.
You are with someone who can not and will not (and shouldn't) compromise of the issue of having kids. I think for someone in her 40's you should have checked a LOT sooner than a year in, whether kids were in the cards or not.
So YOU have to make the choice, kid(s) or keep dating this man.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (3 December 2018):
 It's never a good idea to get into a relationship thinking someone will change. It appears from your post that this is exactly what your BF has done. He knew you wanted kids he knew he didn't. he was hoping you would change. He should have told you sooner.
The other issue is selfishness. When I made decisions about fathering children it came from a desire to please my Wife balanced against my self interest. I'm 53 this week and my youngest turns 21 this month. I did not want to have his high school graduation interfere with my retirement. Fortunately for me my Wife agreed that she had all the children she wanted before my cut off date arrived.
In your case you are not married and are 43. If you got pregnant today you would be 44 before you child is born. 62 before that child would graduate. I guess I saved my playing time for later in life. But it worked for me. I'll be lucky to live to 70, so I'm happy that my kids are getting independent.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2018): This is where you do what's best for you.
You don't make life-decisions based on what other people want for you; you make them according to what you can happily and comfortably live with. You know what will complete and fulfill you as a woman. If the man you're with isn't willing to compromise or agree to parenthood; then I guess you have to make that choice that you can live with the rest of your life. You can find another man, don't let age be a deterrent or discouragement in making a choice to let him go.
If he is adamant that he wants no kids, you can't force them on him. A child needs parents who love and want them. BOTH OF THEM! Men who don't want to be dads can be very detached; and no child deserves to be around a father like that.
You are in that 3-5 year phase of the relationship; when it comes down to deciding where the relationship is going. I frequently point this out to our readers. Most of our posts come from people right where you are in your relationship at this point in time.
Will he move-on to the next phase of marriage, will there be children, and/or are you even happy and fulfilled to be with this partner for life?
This is a cross-roads in your life; and you had better make a decision soon. My youngest brother was born when my mother was 42. He turned out healthy, athletic, intelligent, and a pain in the neck! I love him! So don't give-up hope.
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (3 December 2018):
 You need to leave him. Fundamentally you want different things. He is in his 40s, if he wanted children he would know by now.
If you really want children you need to walk away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2018): I know you are happy in your relationship, but unfortunately if your boyfriend does not want children, and you do, you are just not compatible in the long run. If you are absolutely sure you want children, then you need to end the relationship right away and try to find someone else who is interested in being a father and starting a family with you. Also, even if you don't ever have your own child, you can have a fulfilling life, and a life that includes children. You can spend time with nieces and nephews and cousins of course. You can volunteer for things with boys and girls club, or even find an opportunity to teach something to children if you want. There are lots of ways to be involved in children's lives if that is something you feel strongly about.It would be more than wrong to try and get pregnant by your boyfriend behind his back, to selfishly have a child that you both do not want. Bad for him, you, and especially the child who would really suffer the most in the end. That is not the behavior of a good person or a good parent. Do some soul searching and see what you really want more. This man who you are with now, or a biological child of your own, then do what you think is best.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 December 2018):
 Look, you don’t have time to waste on guys who don’t want children. He’s 40 - you can’t try to change his mind or rely on him changing it. Ultimately, you are running out of time to have them biologically, but that doesn’t mean have one with someone random or with a boyfriend who doesn’t want kids. If anything, it’s time for a sperm donor through a professional agency. Do NOT get pregnant with someone who doesn’t want children - that includes your boyfriend. Being a single parent is really hard, but being a single parent to child who has a dad who didn’t want them is even worse. Lots of good relationships suffer when raising children, so one where the child wasn’t 100% wanted for a long time will likely fall apart and cause problemsfor said child.
Time to move on - either from him or from being a biological mother. My guess is you feel a need to be a mum more than you need some guy you’ve been with for a year who never wants kids. That sounds harsh, but you are running out of time and I’m worried that you’ll do something silly, resulting in a child who is not wanted by both parents - with a donor, that’s okay because it’s what you sign up for, but it’s not okay to get pregnant in the hopes that someone who does not want children will suddenly want them. Come on, OP; you’re old enough to know this.
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A
female
reader, madamerose +, writes (3 December 2018):
I'm really sorry to say this but unfortunately, not everyone has the desire to become a parent. Out of respect for you, your boyfriend has stated that he does not want children. I know this is so difficult to accept but this gives you the opportunity how to proceed. It's not correct to change who someone is, imagine if he tried to change your desire to have children it wouldn't be fair to you. I wish there was a magic solution- but this is something you will have to accept, perhaps consider moving on or staying and not having children with this man.
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A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (3 December 2018):
 Your boyfriend is very selfish and perhaps you should have moved on as soon as you knew he never wanted children. The problem is that IF you had a child by him then the consequences could be bad because he may leave you with total responsibility for the child, or go out and do his own thing, or possibly even leave you. Alternatively it could work and he may warm to becoming a father. Ideally it would be best to move on and find a man who wants a child. Having a child changes your life, and it changes your relationship with your partner or husband forever, so consider things very carefully. Talk to him about your needs, and if he is stubborn and will not change his mind then I'm afraid the best thing to do is either leave him, or accept the fact that you may never have children.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2018): I think it's crunch talk time - if your lookinh for a child at 43 it isn't impossible . I have three children my first was when I was 22 .. second was at 337 and my last at 40 .. I don't look my age but I'm gonna be honest the last pregnancy took a lot of me and though I love my daughter and wouldn't change it . The thought of any more scares me and I still could apparently so after talking
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