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Why do men string me along?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 December 2018) 9 Answers - (Newest, 16 December 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, *ella75 writes:

Hello. I am a 43 year old woman who asked for advice with her I’ll health and dead end personal life last hear and I got good advice.

This year, I worked in a better job and started dating people in may. I do meet men but they are usually younger and only want me for sex. Despite being friendly, they don’t want to date me. I understand that I can’t give a man a child at 43 ( soon to be 44) but why do people string me along? I am not pushy, arrogant or high maintenance.

My mum is also coming to stay with me for 2 months and I know I can’t bring a man home but I shouldn’t have to unless he is worthy. Isn’t that how this should work? The men I dated are intelligent and chatty and I liked one of them a lot. But he won’t engage unless he has plans for sex. After being in a lonely alcoholic marriage for over 7 years , I have the courage to date but this is what I get. Am I doing something wrong? Should I wait and date and not bring him home? Will I end up being single as I am 44 and too old to have kids? Thank you for your advice.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2018):

I am going to say it is great that you are wanting to date but in doing that you are actively looking and that means you are putting yourself in a position of having to pick and choose and vice versa.

I am your age and a few years ago i did a little bit of online dating and for me it did feel there was some expectation in doing that, it shows you are wanting to have a relationship in some form, which does involve sex.

I gave up looking and only went out to have fun and in doing so i met my boyfriend by pure chance and not because either of us planned it.

Why don't you just focus on doing things that you enjoy i.e hobbies, going out with friends and just letting it happen more naturally?

As for the fact you don't have children, my daughter is nineteen and trust me dating is much easier when they are older, so long as you are dating someone who doesn't want any or anymore then it doesn't matter.

I firmly believe the right one will come along if you are just getting out and about in your life and not trying to force it to happen. Work on being happy and content in your personal life and if you are actively looking for men, take a step back and take that pressure off yourself.

All the best

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 December 2018):

Honeypie agony auntOP, It's not easy for anyone to date, regardless of age or whether you have kids. the older we get, the more set in our ways and likes/dislikes we develop as well.

In a sense it might ACTUALLY be easier without the kids (as long as you don't date men EXPECTING or WANTING kids). Easier doesn't mean easy though. But when you DO not have kids, going away for weekends, or vacation, relocation etc, it DOES seem easier when you do not have kids to consider.

You just have to ALLOW yourself to be a little picky. If you are more LOOKING for a companion rather a casual thing, then don't jump into bed until you have decided if there IS something there, if he IS a good match, and if he IS looking for the same as you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2018):

Easy answer? You're picking the wrong men to date. Problem is there are way too many losers out there these days.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2018):

So how many men did you research in your scientific survey to reach your conclusion about us? How many volunteers did you test? What criteria did they have to meet to qualify for your research-project? How many men does it take to determine men will string you along?

Dating is a laborious selection-process. Sometimes it's done strictly for fun; and sometimes it's a deliberate search-mission for the right mate. Stop and take a break; when it's no longer fun. Cynicism and bitterness will set-in, if you don't!

Bitterness or desperation is a turn-off for some; and some less scrupulous men know how to exploit it in a woman! Men can still enjoy the company of an attractive partner, even if she isn't a keeper. Some will not reject you, until given good reason. They stick around for awhile, until they don't. Sometimes you've misread the guy's intentions all-along. If you ignored the red-flags, or lowered your standards? Your bad! You're not always a victim! You have a brain and free-will! You know right from wrong; or good from bad!

Human-nature is the same as it always was. With the exception that we now have the technology to cover distance and shorten time. In general, people are spoiled. We have shorter-patience, and a powerful sense of entitlement. You have to literally check yourself daily to make sure you keep it together; so as not to become a total dick. My parents and grandparents raised me with self-awareness, manners, to be considerate of others, and to think before speaking. That seems to have gone completely out of style!!! Whatever happened to filters? You can say or do just about anything!

A larger majority of people nowadays seem to take shortcuts where it doesn't make sense. Manners and courtesy are considered old-fashioned and ridiculous concepts. I'd say gender really has less to do with it; than social-culture, and what is deemed acceptable behavior in modern society.

The bars have been lowered, and restrictions no longer apply. So you have to be prepared.

People are losing command of even the most simple of interactive social-skills; because social media has replaced human-to-human communication with emojis and lethal sarcasm. So, my dear, that's what you and all single and available people (male or female) on the dating-scene are up against.

You are a mature, sensible, and reasonable single-woman dating in a modern-world; that is overtaken with impersonal methods of communications, and a "do-it-if-it-feels-good" ideology.

You now have to be more vigilant. You must eliminate your romantic-prospects at the first signs of bad-behavior or red-flags. I understand you feel you may have some limitations due to your age; but please bear in-mind that the old adage you have to "kiss a lot of frogs" still holds. It's a matter of selection, evaluation, approval, or rejection. You still have to reject it; even if you fear it might be a long-time before another opportunity comes along! That's the hard part! I'm guilty of holding-on; when my smarter-self said I should let-go! I've learned, and got some battle-scars to show you why!

The process of elimination goes-on until you succeed. If you fail with a crop, stop and re-evaluate what seems to be a recurrent or common personality-trait in all those losers.

Then carefully evaluate your own tastes and criteria in "man-types." Most of the "one-sided" posts we receive give the impression (or insist); "it can't possibly be me! I've got to be doing everything right." Sorry to say, but if every-time you do something; and it fails, you have to own some of the blame. You ARE INDEED doing something wrong. Making bad-choices for one!

I had to learn this after a series of my own mistakes and failures in dating. I couldn't put my finger on why I attracted seemingly intelligent, attractive people; who turned out to be weird, detached, and/or pretentious. I determined that I was subconsciously trying to fit people into a mold I figured was "my type."

Based on the personality and characteristics of someone I once loved; but lost due to terminal-cancer. I was on a mission to find a duplicate replacement of that person; and if I saw recognizable-traits or similarities, I'd go with it. Only to figure-out, this is a totally different person. I was only looking for the similarities I missed, or wanted. What I was used to and grew attached to. I overlooked all the other traits that were totally incompatible or wrong for me. Why did it always seem somewhat off; or there was no chemistry in it for me? It was the wrong person for me!

*Scratching my head!* What am I doing wrong? I finally decided to be more flexible. Stop searching for a mate pressured by desperation and loneliness. I was open to a variety of races or cultures; and less rigid about "type." I stuck with my standards on good-character. I looked for the best qualities I could find in them as individuals. Appreciated their uniqueness. It was a very slow process; but I might have made life-long friends, instead of finding true-love. Still a success! I remained patient. I enjoyed good companionship, and found some romance when the chemistry allowed for it. I thought I found one; but got dumped. I recovered, and got over it. Took a break for self-improvement. Kicked-back for a breather.

One day out of the blue, someone singled me out; and made an approach. We clicked! The rest is history. I wasn't even looking! I just decided I'd enjoy making friends, dating, and wait until it happened.

I'm mature. I've never let that hinder me when seeking a romantic-partner; because love doesn't set age-limits. I focus on what's compatible. I carefully weigh my options; the pros and the cons. The first sign of bad behavior, any red-flags, or that nagging feeling in my gut that this isn't right. I'm outta there! I hate drama! I don't watch soap operas, or read romance novels! I prefer peace and calm. If it means I've got to be alone to have it? So be it!

I've never really wanted to date younger individuals. I prefer people withing five years either-way. Big gaps in age creep me out! I can attract young admirers; but I don't want to try and figure-out why. Too many weird fetishes and opportunists looking for financial-security to let myself be fooled.

I've learned to listen to my logic and use my experience in judging character. As I got older, my standards got higher; not lower. I've worked too hard on myself to just take whatever I could get. Being single wasn't all that bad. I have great friends, good neighbors, and a loving family. I wasn't dying of loneliness and desperation; because I have an active social-life, and I love my job (sometimes I don't).

Like everybody else, I've hit some low-spots here and there; but still consider myself very blessed. Stay optimistic!

Oh, it was over time that I had to come to all these realizations. It wasn't always apparent. Wisdom comes with age and experience. Listening to the smarter people!

My maturity is not an obstacle for me. Not if you keep a good heart, take care of your health, and maintain some sort of system of values. I believe in God. Fine for those who don't; I won't force it on anyone, nor will I bother to date someone who doesn't. Deal-breaker for me.

I like myself enough to deal with keeping myself company. That's also something I had to learn. Considering the fact of being so accustomed to being in a relationship my entire adult-life to one person. That partner died. I had to re-learn to be independent. Be patient, embrace my maturity; and not let my heart make rash decisions. Not without using my brain to make sure things totally make sense, and were reasonable. Over 40, you should know what you're looking for. You shouldn't have to put-up with unnecessary nonsense. Life is too short! Love is evasive; but you must have fun, and enjoy life until it finds you!

That requires using prudence and discernment. Instead of wanting it all right-now, or settling for "whatever;" because I'm letting the clock or the calendar dictate what I have to accept, versus what I really want. Experience has taught me to use my common-sense, to work in conjunction with my heart. It took me longer, but my patience won out.

If you know you're past the point of making babies; then take a chill-pill and deal with it. It is what it is!

I've found love again, and it's going strong. It took awhile to get here again; but I didn't suffer the journey, or blame any gender or anybody else for what obstacles got in the way of getting here. It's life, and all a part of the process of finding a mate. You win some and you lose some! Let those guys be lessons to you. Now you know exactly what to avoid!

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A female reader, Bella75 United Kingdom +, writes (15 December 2018):

Bella75 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for your answers. I thought I was slowing it down but I seem to fall into the trap easily cos I felt he was intelligent and kind. I need to wait a little longer. I have dated men older than me and they seem to behave the same way as the younger ones which is why I thought the issue is with me. I’ll go out on dates and see what happens. And definitely won’t have sex again unless I feel that he’s the best I can get. Thank you. It’s just very hard to date when one is in their 40s and with no children. Thank you.

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A female reader, Bella75 United Kingdom +, writes (15 December 2018):

Bella75 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for your answers. I thought I was slowing it down but I seem to fall into the trap easily cos I felt he was intelligent and kind. I need to wait a little longer. I have dated men older than me and they seem to behave the same way as the younger ones which is why I thought the issue is with me. I’ll go out on dates and see what happens. And definitely won’t have sex again unless I feel that he’s the best I can get. Thank you. It’s just very hard to date when one is in their 40s and with no children. Thank you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 December 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with both malvern and Code Warrior,

You need to SLOW things down. What you also need is a BETTER class of men. You mention that you have dating many that are younger than you, so maybe try someone a few year older or the same age as you.

Don't jump into bed because you think giving them sex will make them want to date you. So be upfront that you are not looking for a short term sexual/casual thing and then stick to it. TAKE your time to go on dates and see how good a fit you are with someone. Men who are JUST looking for sex is not going to invest the time and effort on dates, excursions, going to the theater or whatnot, they will suggest "home dates" or "push" for going home together after a meal.

Take your time. And don't be afraid to tell someone, no thanks if you notice they are pushing for sex. Just wish them well, block and move on.

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A female reader, malvern United Kingdom +, writes (15 December 2018):

malvern agony auntIt's a minefield out there and you've got to keep going if you want to meet somebody special. I was single for nearly 20 years and recently re-married. Much like you I've been strung along and met all types but there are good men out there too. Be wary with everybody you meet and don't expect too much. Try and get together a group of female friends who you can go out and about with. I know I say this in most of my answers but the best way is to join a dancing group. Modern Jive is the big singles thing because you can go along on your own. It's a slow version of rock n roll and hugely popular. Because of the way they teach it you will soon get to know everybody there. You will meet loads of men and have the pick of the bunch and will make many friends. It's also the best way of getting to know a man slowly over a few weeks or months before any dating has occurred. Unfortunately there are a lot of men who are happy to be very much single, no ties attached,but they're not all like that so you just need to keep looking.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2018):

No don't bring your dates home just date outside because you shouldn't feel like having to give them sex when you don't even know them. Its so unfair to a woman make them earn it or you just get used and it feels horrible. Go out for walks with them and get to know them and wait until you know its worth it

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