A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for a few months and it has been good for the most part however we fight whenever I wear a shirt that is low cut, something that shows my bra (even the smallest amount) or a skirt, which I wear shorts under. I like wearing comfy clothes at home or just a sports bra and sweats which he doesnt like either because I talk to people over snapchat. Some of the people i talk to are guys but they are friends with me and my boyfriend so I don't see a problem if my boobs are covered. When I go out I like to dress up a little and look good and he doesn't like some of the shirts I own and feel confident in. I just want to know if his behaviour is acceptable or controlling in anyway?
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female
reader, malvern  + ♥, writes (12 December 2020):
 There are warning signs here that your boyfriend is controlling, if he's like this now then what will he be like in the future as you become more familiar with each other? You should move on and find somebody else who accepts you as you are and doesn't criticise you.
A
female
reader, Weaselina  +, writes (9 December 2020):
Yes, he is controlling. I’d rethink this relationship and realize that someone who is threatened by you or your behavior when you are doing what feels good to you will never bring you peace or happiness.
Do what is right for you. If he doesn’t like it, please realize you can find someone who is delighted in who you are and how you present.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2020): I have to agree with wise owl (I often do!)Are you sure you aren’t dressing inappropriately on purpose for attention? I’m not saying your boyfriend should tell you how to dress - definitely not. It’s your body and you should dress however you like. However I would question why I feel the need to dress a certain way. Take his feelings into account too. You may not see anything wrong with it. Even if you are looking for a bit of attention, you may be the most honourable person ever who would never cheat on your boyfriend. But your boyfriend knows what boys are like. He knows what they are thinking when they see you like that. He knows they are probably all hitting on you and you are loving the attention. Even if you have no desire to actually flirt back/cheat. I think wearing a sports bra in front of his friends is a bit much. It’s still a bra at the end of the day. And even if your boobs are covered, it still leaves little to the imagination and will get young hormonal men’s minds racing. I think you know this. But then that is totally up to you if that’s how you want to be seen. It’s your choice. He can’t tell you what to wear. You too are just incompatible. You seem confident and that makes him insecure. As you get older you will realise that dressing a certain way only gets you the attention you don’t want anymore. I too dressed somewhat provocative when I was young. It was fun and I loved the attention I got from it. I told myself I was just confident and did it for myself. But really it’s because I wanted attention. There’s nothing wrong with that - you are young and living your life. But it’s not what your boyfriend wants in a girlfriend. How would you feel if he sat there talking to his female friends topless flexing his muscles? Or in his pants? Not good right? You are young and still learning the ins and outs relationships. You will learn what’s important and what’s not. How important trust is and how to spot incompatibilities. He’s not controlling you just view the subject differently. Just decide if it’s a deal breaker or not
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2020): I think the problem is incompatibility. He wants a conservative, modest, more prudish type of girlfriend. That's apparently not your style!
I'm not entirely letting you off the hook either!
You want to be noticed, or you wouldn't wear certain things talking to other guys. You tried to excuse yourself by claiming them to be "comfortable." Comfortable doesn't have to be revealing, my dear. When you have a boyfriend, you have to show respect for yourself and your relationship around other males. Knuckleheaded-guys will chit-chat about you, snap pics unbeknownst to you; and some will even make subtle passes to see if you're game. Guys don't like to be put in the position of correcting the buddies about their girlfriends. Friendships are broken over unnecessary stuff, because guys will be guys! You're not a child, you're all grown-up and fully-developed. He may be somewhat jealous, I concur. Guys don't like other guys disrespectfully gawking at their mates! Myself included!
That's what concerns your boyfriend. He's not asking too much to want you to tone it down. Maybe you'd rather get only female responses. Perhaps that might be more to your liking; but it's not always being liberated by revealing leg, breast, or buttocks when you're in the company of menfolk. It's actually subjecting yourself to to male-objectification and selling yourself short. If this were a better world, that wouldn't be so. I don't entirely believe what you've described is what upsets your boyfriend, actually.
Your boyfriend aside; I'm sure your girlfriend's with boyfriends, and the girlfriends of your male-friends, would agree with your guy. They might not like certain things you wear, if you're too sexy or revealing around their men. I'm sure you'd avoid asking any of them what they think! You don't have to care; but don't be surprised if they might let you know. You'll get pissed-off, but your boyfriend has warned you. Don't completely dismiss his concerns.
Otherwise, I do agree that he is being controlling, and he has no right at all to tell you how to dress. That is your choice.
If he wants a prissy modest type of female, he should end this relationship; and go find himself one.
Trying to be a fashion-critic and your father is not his responsibility. He does have the right to give his opinions.
To tell the truth, what you've described isn't really all that bad. You wear shorts under your short skirts, and you wear a sports bra; which can be worn with or without a top. However, he only protests when you're face-timing with male-friends. Bras show cleavage. I'm a little skeptical that he gets upset when you're not showing anything; and you're probably not being totally honest about that. Like any attractive fit-female, it's nice to know guys think you're hot or pretty. You have to be careful not to let such things go to your head. It's not what you wear, it's what messages or signals others are receiving. That's what effects your relationship.
If he wants a girl who practically wears a burka (a long, loose garment covering the whole body from head to feet, worn in public by many Muslim women); then go out an find himself some frumpy-female willing to do that.
If he wants to be with you; I think you both should try to compromise, and come to an understanding. Maybe wear a light and airy top over your sports bra when face-timing. Wear your skirts anyway you choose. The length of your skirt at your age is up to you. He's not your father. If you aren't being "cheeky" when you bend-over in your short skirts, you're simply being fashionable for what's typical for your age-group. If you can't lean forward without "mooning" people; then you're not exactly showing respect for yourself, your boyfriend, or your relationship. His options are open. He can simply dump you; and go find himself a girlfriend who prefers to show less, and cover-up when in view of male-friends and strangers. We don't get his side of this, so it's only fair to give him some benefit of the doubt. This isn't necessarily a women's-liberation issue, or about male-dominance. It's about what other guys can see when you're on cam or face-timing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 December 2020):
 It's a mixture of insecurity and controlling behavior. BUT... he is still young so perhaps he isn't quite getting the "HE HAS NO FRIGGING SAY IN YOUR CLOTHING CHOICES" memo yet.
I think it's common that teen boys think that if you dress (even the tiniest bit) "sexy" or "revealing" or even "cute" that other boys will look and "want you" too. There is some "possessiveness" there partly due to immaturity, to not KNOWING better, and perhaps not being "raised right".
NOT that I'm making excuses for teen boys who do this, but I have heard a LOT of this behavior going on from my own teenage daughters. So I think it's (unfortunately) more common than not.
My advice is this. TELL him that you will wear whatever clothes you WANT to wear, that you already have a mom ( I bet?) and he doesn't need to mother you and tell you what you can and can not wear. That is not his job or responsibility.
While I will say this. Sitting and talking to guys in a sports bra (IF THEY CAN SEE YOU) is a little iffy to me. I get wanting to be comfy - again I WAS a teenage girl at some point and I have 3 daughters as well. Wearing a t-shirt for conversations where people can see you is JUST as comfy. Now if they CAN'T see you, I don't see a problem. Why do I say it's a little iffy? Because they might NOT be comfy with it. If that makes sense to you. And I think having a LITTLE modesty is not going to hurt, being a little "classy" is not going to hurt either.
How did you two met? I bet when you first met you wore something CUTE! right? So it was OK for him to LOOK at you then, and for you to look CUTE then, but now it isn't? Because what? He "owns" you now? No, he doesn't.
I would ask him to VERBALIZE why he doesn't like what you wear. If it's a "it's too revealing" or " it makes other guys look at you" you are going to have to explain to him that you HAVE no control over what other people do or where they put their eyeballs. And HE has no say or control over what YOU wear. Just like YOU have no say or control over what HE wears.
He (or you) can tell you that you look better or cuter in outfit A than B, that is fine, but if YOU want to wear outfit A and not B, then THAT is your choice. He isn't the one buying your clothes either. Your parents (or you) do that.
Wearing a revealing or cute or "whatever" outfit doesn't MAKE YOU cheat, doesn't MAKE YOU a insert name.
If he can't accept that you GET to pick your own outfits, NOT him, then maybe YOU are not the right GF for him.
And a word to you, OP. If you "let" a guy dictate what you wear, you set yourself up for being told how to do your hair, what make up you can wear, who you can talk to, etc. etc. Is that what you want?
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (7 December 2020):
 I would say that he is showing signs of controlling behaviour.
You have only been together for a few months and already he is wanting to control who you talk to, and what you wear.
If its like this now, then what is it going to be like a few years down the line. He needs to accept the fact that it is not down to him what you wear, and who you talk to. The guy's you are talking to are friends of both of yours so you are doing absolutely nothing wrong.
I think your boyfriend needs to work on his insecurities, because if he keeps this up he will be at risk of losing you.
Trust is one of the most important factors that hold a relationship together, without trust a relationship is doomed to fail, and he is clearly having serious trust issues.
He needs to work on his issues, I feel if he keeps this up you may needs to ask yourself if this relationship is really for you.
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