| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hey guys.. so I stumbled upon this site a while ago.. I have a question for all the agony aunts and uncles here .. I don't know if something's genuinely wrong with me.. But whenever I am attracted to a guy , to his looks, his body language. I later discover that he's already committed. No, it's not like I know a guy is committed and still fall for him. I fall for him only to realise he's commmitted. the last time I was attracted, I realised within the hearts of my hearts that this guy too must be surely taken since I am attracted to him. In due course, I got information that he is taken. I am in my 30s. I have had significant spells of disillusionment because of this. During one such spell, I decided to change my expectations from what I was looking from a guy-I went for a polite, quiet guy only to realise his mother was a woman with full blown Narcissistic personality disorder- she purged me out of his life much like she had done with all his girlfriends. Initially i felt bad for myself, nowadays I have real pity for the man- he's 39 now. Much earlier in my 20's, I was excessively stalked and harassed by a man younger than me by a year - he was a colleague (junior at that) and after a point when the harassment got out of hand (my senior colleagues did nothing but simply watch the spectacle unfold, I quit my job- I was a star worker who worked 14-16 hours on an average- this was a big bad consulting firm - and felt i deserved better), I quit the firm, changed jobs and cities. I have been peaceful ever since but for the narc-mum golden son incident in my 30's. But overall I am confused about my choice of men and why do men I pick always turn out to be committed ? Is this in anyway connected to stalking incident in my 20s? I seem to like men who are tall dark and confident. I prefer men who are slightly older than me say 2-3 years or so. Some more pointers- so the narc mum's golden son was nearly 5 years older, very fair, presentable if not a looker, no gym body per se, and a litigator (the irony?! guy cant argue with his mother for his own life)- I somehow liked him instantly when I saw his profile on the dating site- he had an endearing smile. The stalker /pursuer colleague was a year younger- he was too tall, and out of shape, probably attractive too - he too was quite fair, but due to his obsessive atttiude- i simply saw him as plain creepy. Nothing about him could redeem him in my eyes. So that's my dating life for you (if you ask any additional questions or need any additional information - i will reply on the question page).. Yes it has been unsuccessful so far.. i don't know where I am going wrong or how to break this vicious yet incomprehensible pattern of falling for men who turn out to be emotionally unavailable.. I realise I need to rectify this If I need to make some decent strides in the relationship spheres and don't know how to.. I have tried googling articles- couldn't find any relevant content.. can you guys give me your thoughts on this ? ( I have been told that I am good looking, I am well educated and financial independent)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2023): A lot of guys - the arrogant selfish live for today type - want to meet someone for a date with no intention of getting to know you, falling in love, talking to you properly, all they care about is that your young enough, good looking, sexy and willing to sleep with them quick. They don't want to date they just want somewhere to put their thing, without the usual prices for ringing sex chat phone lines or massage parlours, call girls, and all the rest. They want it all to be no strings, no promises, non serious though. They want the best of both worlds. Go into a chat room pretending to be a young woman and you will get 100 guys nagging you to meet (free, fun only, sex,) within moments. Many of them will be two or three times your age, married, useless at chat, cannot spell, no personality, sometimes extremely nasty.. i.e. I can drive up to where you are now and we can do it in the back of my van. They want to treat women like objects, like call girls/prossies, but without paying a thing. And they assume that horny women who cannot get sex are everywhere, eager to meet them on their terms. These guys don't care if you are dying of cancer and in pain,
homeless and desperate for some food, they just want to meet do it and go until if they want to do it again. No relationship whatsoever. Some will be honest about that, others will pretend to be single, pretend to be younger, pretend to want a date, because they know that most women will shun them otherwise.
If you want to meet someone who is romantic, old fashioned, single, honest, caring, deeper, then forget those places and forget tinder etc If you are smart about relationships etc come to askagonyauntsadviceonline.com and sell wise advice to our many readers.
A
female
reader, malvern  + ♥, writes (11 December 2023):
 I know only too well that it's a minefield out there! I think the best thing to do is take up some kind of interest where you can meet men who become your friends first, and possibly lead to romance later. The best thing I ever did in my life was to go dancing. There are lots of places where you can go to learn Salsa, Jive, Modern Jive, Swing, Rock n Roll, Ballroom and Latin etc.etc. Ballroom tends to be older people than you, but the others should be full of younger people. So my advice is go and join a dancing class and get to know people that way. It will immediately give you a common bond to these people, it sociable and it's fun!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2023): It seems like you fall for these men without knowing them, and without really knowing yourself and what you enjoy in life and what you want.
I don't think you are only attracted to unavailable men by some kind of fluke or unconscious bias going on that you're not aware of. Instead, I think you don't know yourself very well and / or haven't actually fully grown and developed a strong sense of you, so you're also not taking time to really get to know these men and seeing if you would be able to get on with them in the sense of sharing activities together than you already know you enjoy.
It seems like the part of your psych that 'falls' for these men is underdeveloped and quite immature - I don't mean that in a judging way, all I mean is that part of you seems underdeveloped in yourself, and of course you have all the normal desires to be with someone and to be loved, but it's a bit like a 16 year old female's mindset in a women'a body and the evaluations that your making of men after being physically or initially attracted to them are not connecting up properly in the way they would for someone who really knows and loves their self.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2023): Hi thanks honeypie for your response. I have a good relationship with my dad but he's an achiever and has done well for himself. He couldn't spend too much time with me when I was a child and also had anger management issues. So yes I was largely raised by my mother. As for these men these are men doing well for themselves at work. I met them at work- my office client visits etc.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (5 December 2023):
 Unfortunately, OP, we like what we like.
How is your relationship with your dad?
Sometimes (quite often actually) women pick men with similar traits as their dads. So it can be you are "picking" the wrong guy for you because his traits are like that of your dad, even if you don't subconsciously notice this.
Where did you meet these men?
If you meet them (generally) through dating sites, maybe that is something to avoid.
The internet and dating apps have made it easier for anyone to find "available" people. That doesn't mean that because you get 1,000s more possibilities that you get the "RIGHT" (for you) choices.
Don't judge a book by their cover nor a person by their looks. While I GET that most people would PREFER a good-looking man/woman but sometimes you will also get a guy who doesn't have much BESIDES his looks to offer, or one who is good looking and KNOWS he can catch anyone, so always looking for the next conquest. Even AFTER they marry.
How FAST do you "fall in love" and how fast do you move when meeting an attractive guy?
You might have to slow down and TAKE the time to get to know a guy BEFORE you INVEST your feelings into a relationship. That might sound cold but taking your time is always a good idea.
Also, this might not be "just" you, a lot of people your age are not interested in INVESTING in a long term relationship when they can get "dates" at a swipe on their phones.
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