A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need your help.I need to know whether I should end a 3.5 year relationship.My boyfriend is traveling outside the country with family. He has been in touch by text because it's expensive to send texts and make phone calls. So his texts are about 2 per day. He has been good at keeping in touch. When he landed, he texted me. He has been sending two a day. We communicated around 2 p.m. yesterday afternoon. And he said he missed me. Then I sent him a good night text. He did not answer.This morning went by and nothing. So, I text him at lunch time to say hi and hope all is well. Three more hours go by and nothing. So, I text him again to ask "Is everything okay?" to which he answered about 5 minutes later. He said all is good. He is traveling in the car with family at the moment, on their way to see some relatives in a nearby city. He said it's hard to chat now. That he would text me tonight after the visit.So why am I upset with him? So much so that I feel like I have had it? I feel like he has not been making enough effort to contact me. Surely he could have found five minutes in his day to shoot me a quick text to tell me what he is doing. I feel like he has been inconsiderate and thoughtless of my feelings. He is in a foreign country. I have no clue what is going on and he is not helping any. Instead I have to chase him down twice before he answers at almost 4 p.m. the next afternoon! I feel like I am out of sight and out of mind. Like he does not give a crap about me. Why does he even bother telling me he misses me?He is not a great communicator either way. Even when we are at home. Sometimes hours go by and he does not answer me. He says his phone was not near him or he does not live by his phone or his notifications were on silent. I thought being away he would want to keep in touch. He knows it makes me happy. I am not sure why he has been ignoring me this way?Is it time to tell him it's over?Clearly he doesn't care about me!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 January 2017):
 Thanks for the update and I am sorry about your husband. You speak perfect sense and yes off course if you are used to getting lots off attention from men then you feel you need even more from him. That is natural in your world. It is good to experience different relationships and it sounds like you are happy with him in one sense. Am glad you are trying to work on being less needy and hopefully he will work hard on showing more attention.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2017): Hello, OP here.
He has been in touch several times. He tells me he has just been busy with family and visiting relatives and does not have a lot of time to be in touch. And that there is not much privacy either. And that it doesn't mean he does not care about me. He said I am always on his mind and he has been missing me a lot. And he is looking forward to coming back home to be with me. He did tell me before he left that communication would not be the same and what I was used to.
Yes, aunt honesty, you are right. I guess I am needier than others I suppose. It's just me. I have always had a high need for attention because I am used to a lot of attention. Maybe it stems back to being daddy's little girl and always being spoiled by my parents and especially my dad. I am first born in my family and I have three other sisters who always said I could do no wrong for my dad while they never got the same treatment. I think it bugged them. A lot. Lol And I had a caring, devoted husband who doted on me. I was the centre of his universe. He had me on a pedestal. He passed a few years back. :( I think I have been used to having undivided male attention and this man is a little more independent than what I have been used to. I have always attracted a lot of male attention throughout the years so I suppose I expect all of them to be the same way. My boyfriend knows this and that is why he calls me Princess. Maybe the fact he is a bit aloof and does not always give in to me is what keeps me coming back for more. I see him as more of a challenge perhaps. Not the too nice of a guy I have been used to. I usually get bored with those but not him. He does keep me on my toes more than any man I have ever met. He has forced me to grow as a person. That is for sure. I think people come into our lives for a reason. He has taught me a lot. Especially about myself. I am learning how to give space in a relationship and not expect to be bowed to all the time. It has been an eye opening experience. And maybe I needed that. But at the end of the day, I still like to have his attention. And I am working on trying to be more mature as I have only had one boyfriend in my life and that was my husband. I think sometimes we need to get used to different relationship styles and accept that not everyone is the same. He is my second boyfriend type experience so I am still learning. :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2017): OP, I would not bail on him just yet.
Wait until he comes back. I am sure you will feel better when you see him. You both are missing each other.
I sense it will all be back to normal when he is home.
Keep us posted. :)
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (17 January 2017):
Yip OP I think you just need to do what you need to do and end it. If you cannot go a week or two without loads of attention from him because he is with family then you need to let it go. Me personally I wouldn't need so much communication after three and a half years I would just let him enjoy himself and we would have a great catch up when he got home. I guess some people are more needy than others.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 January 2017):
 OP, I read your follow up and I think that perhaps after 3.5 years that he's never going to be the guy you need/want him to be.
You stated that while traveling he's out of the country and texting calls cost more. Perhaps that's part of the issue and he's trying to conserve money.
Personally for me a red flag is the whole "family get together" yearly that EXCLUDES not only significant others but SPOUSES. IF this was MY family (and trust me I was very close to my parents) my response would be "have fun" I would NEVER consider a vacation with anyone who MANDATED that I exclude my partner. Now if it was OPTIONAL and my partner did not wish to attend that's a different story but a "mandatory" no spouse rule seems a bit over the top and designed to continue an "us against them" mentality that I strongly disagree with.
He has contacted you. He has been in touch with you.
IF you find this man emotionally aloof, then after 3.5 years nothing is going to change, if anything it will only get worse as you both get more and more comfortable in the relationship.
If it hurts and you are fighting to keep this relationship going then maybe it's not a good relationship for you.
Sadly in all relationships I find that one partner loves more than the other. I've been on both sides and I have to admit that being the one who is loved more is a very easy place to live while being the one who loves less even when you are loved often feels like "not quite enough"
I wish you peace and hope you can figure out whether or not to end this relationship that leaves you vaguely unsatisfied.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (17 January 2017):
 It is clingy. No matter what spin you try and put on it, he is away on a vacation with his family and you're messaging telling him to reply to basically say tell me you're thinking about me.
Where actually is he? He may have no signal.
You know this is who he is, if he doesn't contact you enough and this is how you feel all the time then he's not the right person for you clearly. Maybe breaking up with him isn't such a bad idea afterall as you're not on the same page emotionally.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 January 2017):
 He will never give you all the attention you feel you need. Give him up and find yourself someone who can.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (17 January 2017):
 Maybe he's been busier the past two days, or he just wants to focus on family and will focus on you when he gets back. I know why you value texts so much, but you really need to try not to because most guys' texting habits are similar to your boyfriend's.
I totally get where you're coming from, but this is who he is. He seems to have reached his limit for adapting to your needs, so you have to decide if it's enough. If it isn't, then you need to break up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2017): OP, we do sympathize with you. Yes it would be nice if he messaged you a little more. It just seems like you are over-reacting to this. I guess that's where the issues you guys are having come in. If he still has trouble after 3.5 years saying "I love you", something is not right (sorry to tell you). It doesn't matter how shy, introverted or practical the guy is. If they really feel they are in love, after that long a time together they will say it happily. While he is enjoying himself on the beaches with family, why don't you take some time to yourself. See your girlfriends, go out. Maybe even have an (innocent) flirt with another guy or two, use the opportunity to live a little! After experiencing life without him for a week, then re-evaluate why you are insecure and whether this relationship is really for you if he is that out of touch with his feelings.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2017): Thank you to everyone for their insightful responses. It has helped me to see things clearly. I am the poster of the question.
No, my boyfriend is not married. But he is an emotionally cool type of a guy and I am all about the emotions so this has caused a lot of discord in our relationship. He is very logical and practical whereas I am emotional, a dreamer and I jump in with booth feet. We have two different love languages. While he is quite content being alone and enjoying alone time, I thrive on intimacy and couple time, even though I do enjoy my space from time to time. I am more affectionate, open and loving. He is more an introvert and likes to maintain control of his emotions. It is hard for him to say he loves me. Even though I have said it to him freely.
This trip is a family trip. They choose a destination every year and travel as a family. They are very close. Last year they went on a cruise. No spouses or significant others are permitted. I am not sure why? Or I would have gone with him. His family lives in Florida and I have met them on several occasions but they are not in our lives day to day.
So, he has sent two texts a day. But I guess I need more contact. It is not because I am clingy or crazy. It is because he is emotionally aloof. And it is hard to deal with that. He is okay without being in touch. I am not though. He knows this. So we have had to compromise that way. When he is on trips, he is always in touch but I just feel he is less in touch on this one. I sense it. And I am left wondering why? Is something going on? It cannot be just my apparent clinginess.
As I see it, he goes to the bathroom, right? He could shoot a quick text to say "thinking of you babe." It literally takes seconds of his time. That would make me happy. He does not have to text me every minute. But just to know you are on his mind. Especially when there is such distance between you for the time being.
Before he left, we saw each other. He later called me from the airport AND video chatted with me on Snapchat before boarding the plane. I loved that. He knows that makes me happy and he made the effort. Which I am very appreciative of. He knows me and what I need. And chooses to be with me. As I choose him even though his aloofness is difficult to live with at times.
And he was in touch the first couple of days but the last 2 days he seems to have dropped off the earth. I sent him a good night text and the whole next day goes by and no response. I had to text him mid afternoon the next day and then hours later he responded. Today, it was 5 p.m. EST and not one text from him, no communication at all. I text him to say I know he is on a trip and busy and enjoying it but I just wish he could contact me even briefly so I don't feel forgotten.
Surely somebody has to see my point of view? It is not clingy. It is just seeing that your man is committed to you and it isn't out of sight, out of mind when you are not there. I suppose I am insecure about his feelings for me because he is not very emotional like me. So, I guess I seek more reassurance from him, especially when he is away.
Just now he texted me back telling me I am not forgotten. That he misses me. That they are busy visiting and meeting family. But again, I had to initiate it.
This is the underlying reason I have considered breaking up. It isn't this one thing. There have been other incidents over the course of our relationship. Sometimes I do not feel he loves me as deeply as I love him. And it hurts. Because I have been fighting to keep this relationship going.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 January 2017):
If you are indeed the poster that Cindy thinks you are then you already know we think you need to end this relationship. You of course will never do that because of your issues which you refuse to address. Venting is good but therapy is better. Keep doing the one and please get the other.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (16 January 2017):
If this guy is married, you're not his girlfriend, he's not your boyfriend and he owes you nothing. You've put yourself in this mess and you're wasting your life away on a man who will never be yours.
Either leave him (the best decision), or keep accepting the crap you're getting because people in affairs don't deserve any more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2017): Well that's the joy of being the mistress!You get to pine and moan about him.You get to overrate the passion in your stolen moments.You get to worry about the whys and wherefores.You get to be angry that he doesn't care for you.You can generate self pity when he doesn't text and call because you have been swept aside!All good mistress emotions.Eventually you get to realise that the whole thing is a dead-end disaster but that's when you're all pined out.So for now keep bleating and weeping and maxing your investment in him while he dangles you on a bit of string.If you ever had him full time you are gonna' forever panic over: 'Is he cheating?' But you have invested so heavily in negative emotions that it should all feel totally normal to you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 January 2017):
 I think this is our old friend ,and frequent poster, who's got a married " boyfriend ". Reason for which, I'd say it is pretty intuitive why he is being a bit casual in keeping in touch, regardless of any other consideration. Because the family he is travelling with,probably includes his wife and / or children- and he want to keep things discreet , low profile and convenient. He does not want to have to lock himself in the bathrooms, or find excuses to step away, or invent elaborate fibs- just to give a needy , neurotic mistress the constant validation she is hungry for.
I suppose he thinks , reasonably, that you know very well by now what the deal is with him and his living conditions , and more so when he is vacationing with his own family, and having to give time and attention to more members of said family. From his point of view, he is already doing a big effort , and even more than it's logical to expect from him- and I am inclined to see his point.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (16 January 2017):
 I agree. Clearly he does not care about you enough to want to be reporting in with you when he is busy travelling. Clearly he does not care about you enough to want to answer you when there is perhaps a large time difference between where you are and where he is. Clearly he does not care enough about you not to jump on his phone the second you text and send long loving texts in return, regardless of what he might be doing. Clearly he does not care about you enough because it is obvious his life does not revolve around your texts. Shame on him. Dump him. You deserve someone who will answer you immediately you text, regardless of what the may be doing, someone who will keep their phone with them 24/7 just in case you text.
I do wonder what on earth he misses about you?
Lady, you need to take a look at yourself and stop being so demanding of this guy, unless you actually WANT to drive him away with your behaviour. Try backing off. If he suddenly stops getting messages from you all the time, he may actually get a chance to do the chasing.
You need to find some other interests so that your sole focus is not your boyfriend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2017): While I do think you overreacted, I think (for me) an important text to reply to would have been the "good night" text, so I understand why you are upset.I wouldn't really care if he was too busy during the day (he's with family- I would get it). BUT I would want to know that he is safe and sound at night, and we could both say "I love you, have a great sleep" sort of thing. It's just part of a sense of security for many relationships to always have that final talk or text before sleep. Also, the fact that as soon as he got your "are you ok?" text he replied, indicates to me that he was likely receiving all of them, and just choosing not to reply. I would ask him why he didn't have a chance to fire off a quick "love you" before bed. Was he out somewhere? Honestly, I would want to know. Was it just that he thought it would be too expensive?Yeah, I would be somewhat miffed, not gonna lie.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2017): If the boyfriend wasn't so thoughtless and had any consideration for his girlfriend's feelings, she wouldn't be so upset. It doesn't take much to keep in touch on vacation. There is always time. He just didn't feel like bothering.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (16 January 2017):
 Sorry but I think your reacting a bit over the top. I'd feel pretty suffocated and annoyed if I were him. He is on holiday so I think it is fair to say that you should back off and give him time to not be scheduled to check in to suit you. The fact that he is overseas, like you said, expensive and text don't always come through immediately anyway. I was on a cruise and messages came through on my way back- 14 days later. I agree with N91, hardly worth leaving a relationship over- unless there is more to it. My advice would not to be having a go on his return. Not a nice welcoming and the kind of conversation that he may think it's time to move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 January 2017):
 I'm sorry OP, but you sounds like a crazy needy person.
HE IS ON VACATION with his family! Do I need to repeat any of that?
When we moved from the US to Germany (hubby got relocated) I went home to see my family with my oldest while he got to do all the "fun" stuff of finding a house, getting a car etc.
I ended up spending 6 weeks with my family and enjoying the fire out of it. WE BARELY spoke on the phone in this time period. Maybe 2 times a week. Granted this was before texting was the norm, but still...
I was BUSY visiting family and HE was busy setting everything up and starting his new job in a new unit.
Did that mean I didn't miss him or CARE about him because I didn't try and call constantly? Or did it mean HE did care because HE didn't constantly call me?
No, he was busy - I was busy. ALL the MORE we could talk about when we DID get to talk to each other.
VACATION means relaxation and enjoying WHOM you are with. NOT constantly being on the phone with your GF at home. Seriously!
YOU are ruining his vacation.
IS he married - is that why you are so crazy about him HAVING to talk to you constantly? Because I can see how a crazy mistress is sick with jealousy, but a GF who's BF is on vacation with family.......
To me I just don't get you at all. Why so clingy?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (16 January 2017):
When travelling with family, his family are the priority. Also, hours *should* go by between texts when home because you should both have lives that are independent of each other.The only red flag I see on his part is perhaps why you're not able to visit his family too, after 3½ years?You, however, have a major red flag: desperation. You're too dependent on him texting you to give you a sense of being cared about.You need to seek some independence and fulfilment outside of your relationship, or you'll drive any boyfriend away by nagging and making yourself unwell.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (16 January 2017):
 He is travelling with his family ... your age is listed as late 30s, so I assume he is an adult as well. Right now, while he is travelling with his family, his focus will be on them, doing family stuff. That doesn't mean you are not important, it just means his focus is on doing family stuff.
You've already said he is not a great communicator at home, well you need to accept when focussing on family stuff, in a foreign country, his communication is likely to decrease somewhat, not increase.
I believe this because I have a friend the more she texts demanding attention the longer she has to wait before I will respond.
If the texts you are sending him demanding attention are sounding as needy as your submission here there is every chance he just doesn't want to interrupt his family time to deal with it.
Your next text should be conciliatory, don't forget the old saying "you attract more flies with honey than vinegar"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2017): I sense some underlying trust issues, OP.
Do you fear he will cheat will he is away?
If he is that kind of a man, then I can see why you are worried and are so upset.
Cheaters will cheat even with family nearby. And in some foreign cities, prostitutes are cheap and easily available. All it would take is two dollars for five minutes in the bathroom of a café.
When a man is not talking, you can bet there is a reason. I feel empathy for you. Must be incredibly hard knowing he is far away but not knowing what he is really up to.
Remember, it's a two way street. You're all alone at home.
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (15 January 2017):
 Extremely clingy.
OP, I suggest you smarten up and fast because your childish demands and self centred behaviour are going to cost you a relationship.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (15 January 2017):
 3.5 years together and being with his family means he can't text you at all? Is there a reason you're a secret from them, or weren't invited on the trip?
It sounds like "at home" means separate places for the two of you, since you refer to phones as the means by which you communicate even then and I assume you wouldn't be calling someone you could step into the next room and speak to in person. For your lives to be so separate (and his to be so closed off to you) after that amount of time together isn't promising. Your post suggests you would want more than what you have currently if it were an option, so he must be the one who is hesitant to let you in. Could he be secretly married to, or seeing, someone else? That's the only reason I can think of that would explain EVERYTHING that seems off about this situation.
After 3.5 years I'd be questioning where the "relationship" you've described is headed, at the very least. That's a lot of time to have wasted on affection and effort that isn't being reciprocated.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (15 January 2017):
He is travelling for god sake! Let the man enjoy it.
Do you not have anything to do in your spare time besides sit by your phone and wait for a response? You've told us that it's expensive for him to contact you, yet you're messaging him relentlessly until he replies by the sounds of things.
He doesn't care about you because he's not messaging? No, he's trying to enjoy time with his family and you're trying to make this about you and how horrible he is for ignoring you.
I can't quite believe you're considering ending the relationship over this. You must be very dependent upon your boyfriend if you can't just let him relax and wait for him to text you back before sending him more messages.
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