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Should a shy geeky guy visit a prostitute to gain some experience before I Try to find GF

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Health, Sex, Trust issues, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 April 2015) 14 Answers - (Newest, 25 May 2015)
A male United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I'm a 24 year old male virgin who has never kissed a girl nor have I ever been on a date. I'm not particularly good looking and I don't have six pack abs. Not to mention I'm a giant film/video game/comic book geek as well.

I research this topic a lot on and women typically prefer a more experienced partner over a male virgin. Some out right even want nothing to do with a guy who has no experience. It's hard for me to approach women because I feel they would be immediately grossed out that the chubby, ugly, bald geeky guy is talking to them.

But if I could get a girl interested in me, I would feel bad because I wouldn't be able to please her sexually because I'm so inexperienced. Particularly if she is experienced herself. I can provide emotional support, be there for her, anything else. I just can't rock her world in the bedroom.

Should I visit a prostitute to gain some sexual experience? Maybe this could benefit that slight chance that I connect with someone and I'm not this awkward and awful sexual experience to them.

View related questions: prostitute, shy

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015):

Lots of good advice here, but I don't think anybody really suggested what you should do!

Women can smell desperation and they hate it. When it comes to women, try to stay calm, don't worry, you'll meet the right one eventually.

Plenty of women are not just into looks. I have seen plenty of sexy women with not-so-physically-attractive men.

Work on your career. Success turns on most women.

And why don't you try online dating?

Best of luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2015):

don't go to prostitutes, gain experience with your girlfriend. be honest with her and be oopen minded to learn and you ll get there

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A female reader, maverick494 United States + , writes (2 May 2015):

Honestly, I don't really care if a guy goes to see a hooker/escort to get more experience. If it takes the edge off and makes you more proactive in dating, why the hell not. Just make sure you use a condom. Seriously, you do not want to end up with an STD.

I don't have any experience with approaching them for sex, but I'd make it very clear what your intentions are, then negotiate a price and give her half up front and half after, just to make sure she's not scamming you. Hookers are unfortunately used to being treated like crap and they have become very tough because of that (they have to be) so don't be surprised if she's harsh. You just gotta drive it home that this is not just about you getting off, but that you want to learn how to give her a good time as well. And maybe, if you have the right kind of girl in front of you, this could actually be pretty useful.

Just be smart enough not to mention it to your future girlfriend.

Now of course, if this kind of deception makes you feel uneasy, don't do it and follow the tips the other aunts gave you. Better to be honest and guilt free and a virgin than having a wee bit of experience you feel shitty about

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2015):

Thank you everyone for your replies.

Some people alluded to it so I'll respond to it. I NEVER approach "tens" or insanely beautiful women out of my league. I keep my distance from them because I know for a fact I'd have no chance. Sometimes I approach women and they're average quiet geek girls. They all ended in rejection or them just seeing me as a friend, which is fine, we could all use more friends. You can't be mad that someone doesn't like you.

The research is just from reading surveys online. Nobody knows of my lack of experience.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (30 April 2015):

Tisha-1 agony aunt"I research this topic a lot"

Were you researching this topic a lot at age 14? Or is this a new line of inquiry for you?

You seem to have some idea that "women" like things a certain way. But that notion of "women" is based on what, online research? Or actual speaking to women in real life?

"It's hard for me to approach women because I feel they would be immediately grossed out that the chubby, ugly, bald geeky guy is talking to them."

I wonder how many chubby, ugly geeky women are waiting to meet a guy like you, who enjoys the same hobbies and interests?

I think your fear is keeping you from experiencing the encounters you have with potential girlfriends due to your imagined scenarios.

When I was in my 20s I didn't mark men as "virgins, omg I couldn't possibly date him"! There is no label on you, other than the one you put on yourself.

What do you want? A girflriend? Or sexual experience?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (30 April 2015):

Don't try your charms on some extremely attractive female you know from the start you wouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell to start with. Plain and unattractive guys go for attractive women, and seem shocked that they may not be interested. Especially if you're a self-proclaimed chubby balding geek.

If you bypass average and plain females, you deserve to be rejected. You're setting your standards higher than you can reach yourself. Stay on your own level of attractiveness, and seek girls with your same interests. Balding has nothing to do with anything these days. What is distracting is the come-over, or long straggly pieces that should simply be shaved-off. That is a small improvement over strings of scraggly hair around the edges. If you describe yourself as a geek, perhaps you also ascribe to the stereotypical appearance. You want to get a woman, then you might want to make a little effort to be appealing. You come across like you're not willing to do anything to please a female, you just want to use one to lose your virginity.

Why do people complain about being chubby or overweight,if they don't like it? Love it, or lose it. You can still be sexy and appealing even if you're chubby. It's loveable and huggable. If you're hairy, go gay. They'll call you a bear!

You'll lose your virginity in a day!

Exercise and change your diet if you think your weight is hindering your sex-appeal. Walking and cutting down on snacking on junk-food drops weight faster than people realize. More fruit,nuts, and fresh veggies over chips and chocolate chip cookies. Water instead of sugary soda or diet soda with aspartame. A co-worker just lost 25 pounds since Christmas, and just by excluding junk from her diet.

You haven't experienced sex, so you're going to pickup some walking petri dish; who'll charge you money to risk catching a sexually-transmitted disease. Just to say you've stuck your dick in a woman before. Rather than just making a few adjustments to your appearance and a major overhaul of your personality.

Like learning to be charming, friendly, and likeable. Women are very forgiving of appearance as long as you're well-groomed and clean. You've decided over-extending your boyhood was more important than learning how to interact with females. Getting a woman starts with interacting with them intellectually, not just poking yourself into them. They want you to talk to them, make them laugh, and treat them nicely. They like to go out on dates, and have fun. They don't mind or know you're a virgin; unless your only reason to be with them is to lose your virginity. That will definitely offend them; and it's no wonder you may not get many/any dates, or a girlfriend.

Stop advertising your virginity, and put more emphasis on charm. Cut out some of your game-time online, and try improving your game with the ladies. They are looking for mature, intelligent men, who know how to listen, don't have a jail record, clean of diseases, have a great work-ethic, respects women, don't mind springing for the check, and can make them laugh and feel relaxed. Sex is the reward for offering them these things. Try having something to offer and maybe you'll get what you're looking for in return.

If gaming, comic books, and being a geek is more important than having a real love-match, then stick to that. Women aren't just here to give you sexual-experience. Paying for sex might be pretty expensive, if you want a classy attractive "call girl." They aren't available for just "average" guys with little to offer them financially.

If you're just looking for a hooker, you'll get what you pay for, and something extra you might not be able to get rid of.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (30 April 2015):

chigirl agony auntOh please, women do not bother two cents about whether a guy has experience in bed or not. If you're seeking a relationship then the whole topic of sex doesn't come up until AFTER you're already in a relationship ANYWAYS. Girls who want to know this sort of thing, or have sex with you, BEFORE a relationship... well, like the player guys, they're just after one thing. So do not pay them any attention.

A girl who wants a relationship with you wont care shit if you're a virgin or not. And no, having sex with someone first does NOT bode well for a relationship. If you want a relationship then NO SEX until you're officially together and at least two weeks into it.

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A male reader, Garbo United States + , writes (30 April 2015):

Garbo agony auntBad idea. Besides being good at sex has nothing to do with how many women guy sleeps with. If anything, it has the opposite effect: more different women you've been with less you will appreciate the one you end up with.

Plus, sleeping with a prostitute exposes you to STD possibility. It's a disaster to contract disease on the very first sex, something you will regret for ever.

Also, sex is self-guiding activity. Your desire for orgasm will tell you what to do as will your girls wants in bed. So just relax and look for a living girl instead.

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A male reader, lawncare United Kingdom +, writes (30 April 2015):

lawncare agony auntHey man. You are completely normal. It might seem bizarre in a world where you're bombarded with sexual imagery and people who loudly shout about their prowess in bed. Try to remember that people who shout loudest in any field are usually operating from a minority standpoint and are compensating for deficiencies elsewhere. Lots of people have lost their virginity later than the perceived average.

But I get it. You want to not just have a partner, but operate with a degree of control and freedom. It's a horrible anxiety and I have experienced droughts in my life where I thought I was never going to find someone and if I did would I have forgotten what to do etc.

Fortunately for us, good people in whom we trust, in whom we share our minds and bodies, do not think about how experienced we are or are not. They look at us as people and reduce our anxieties rather than increase them. To a good person your lack of experience is neither here nor there.

What I am basically saying here, sir, is save your money and your dignity. I am not someone who has a huge moral discomfit about prostitution. It's just that it is a process that has the potential to make one feel debased and sad, to prolong the anxiety and disenfrachisement you already feel.

Exchanging money for sex requires a mindset that says "I can see another human as a commodity" and from reading your question from a perspective that desires intimacy and interrelation, I suggest that you do not possess that. Furthermore, a sex worker is a businessperson, not a therapist. If you cannot perform, your anxieties will treble.

That's the rough bit over. You say you're a geek, into video games etc.? Well, so are a lot of women. Damn me if video games and comics are just about the biggest thing in entertainment. You think just young men are buying those things?

Confidence in oneself isn't built overnight. It's a tough road and a stupidly unsympathetic world. I urge you to find the path that allows you to look at yourself as a chubby geek no longer. I guarantee that it doesn't commence in the back of a Buick with a hooker though. Best of luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2015):

As a woman I would much rather a virgin man than a man who disrespected women in general by supporting prostitution. It would be a massive turn off and to be honest I would not continue a relationship with a man I knew had visited a prostitute

I see prostitution as largely a social justice issue and that any man who visits one has no respect for women as a whole and also does not see sex as the intimate act between two people

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada + , writes (30 April 2015):

BrownWolf agony aunt

If you don't listen to Honeypie... then your are a genuine idiot.

Amazing how a penis can control the minds of men. They just want to put it in something...or they will die.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2015):

Personally I would be really put of if I found out a guy had been with prostitutes. I would be judgemental and think he was some kind of sex obsessed pervo. I have dated a vigin in his twenties before and it did not bother me. Prostitues would! No one is a mind reader in the bedroom and you have to ask for what you want. Your first time will not be awkward if you pick the right girl and you are both comftable which each other. Btw nothing wrong with liking comics and games, have you considered trying to meet girls wgo are into the same things as you? Maybe go to a comic con or expo? I've been to these and everyone is usually really friendly and you can meet lots of interesting people.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2015):

Nooooo, it's such a beautiful thing when you meet a man who is a virgin, believe me, my partner was and still very late on in life. I wished I had been! Save it for your first real girlfriend, she will think it's wonderful! And trust me, you will learn about each other fast. I agree with the previous poster.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 April 2015):

Honeypie agony auntHaving SEX one time (or two) with a prostitute IS not going to MAKE you a good lover. And I have to say MORE girls would be disgusted with the whole "paying for sex" thing WAY more then the "I'm a geek".

Being a good lover doesn't come overnight. It takes time and EFFORT.

Unless you find some prostitute with a "heart of gold" who wants to teach poor geeky boys how to be GREAT at sex.... I don't see ANY point to the prostitute idea. I know SO many MALE virgins think that NOT being a virgin will make ALL the difference in their luck with girls or their confidence, I don't don't see it. Having sex a time or two will NOT make you less awkward. It's not some magical fix.

If you think a girl will say NO WAY because you are not experienced, DO you REALLY think she will change her mind because you PAID someone to have sex with you? I mean LET'S be realistic here.

Now of course you can keep it to yourself that you went to a prostitute, but the long of the short is... I don't think it will make SUCH a big difference.

Why not look for girls who SHARE your hobbies and interest? THERE are PLENTY of those out there. Girls who are JUST as awkward as you are when it comes to "real" people.

I don't know WHERE you found your "research" but I call BS on it. UNLESS you walk around with a tattoo on your forehead saying VIRGIN how would a girl even know that you are inexperienced?

If you think girls are not interested in you because your looks? Then maybe switch it up a little, find new glasses, spiffy your wardrobe up a little, spend a little time in the gym.

And IF you WANT to do research.. WHY no research HOW to be a good lover? Instead of a .. why do girls not want a virgin?!

You CAN learn a LOT from reading. There are MANY great HOW to books out there. And while you can't PRACTICE on a "live girl" you can get some GENERAL ideas. Guy who have had a LOT of sex aren't necessarily GREAT in bed. GUY who are WILLING to try, to be creative, to WANT to please are by FAR a better experience than someone who thinks he is drilling for oil.

Being a virgin is NOT as big of a deal as you make it out to be. ALL it means is that you haven't HAD sex with another person... YET. My guess is you haven't eaten escargot either, which is JUST another experience you HAVEN'T had.

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