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What are your opinions and reasonings on when sex should occur?

Tagged as: Crushes, Dating, Friends, Health, Sex, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 April 2015) 10 Answers - (Newest, 2 May 2015)
A female Serbia age 30-35, anonymous writes:

After a while of not having sex, I recently did, with a guy who I met a couple of hours earlier. It's not something I do often, it actually takes me a while to start liking a guy enough to want to hook up, but on my opinion if I find someone I like enough that we start kissing, and if that goes well, why wouldn't we want to proceed in that direction.

What's the point in holding out on something we both want, isn't it like a manipulative mind game of some sort?

Also, isn't it more objectifying if I make a big deal out of sex, like it's some kind of special prize one will deserve after enough dates or something? It seems more honest to me to simply do it if I feel like it.

And yes, I know that in eyes of some guys girls who give in "too easy" are not "girlfriend material", but if a guy is as shallow as to judge me based on the fact that I had sex with him as soon as I figured out I want to, do I even want to be with a guy like that?

Now I know some people need time before feeling relaxed enough to have sex with someone, that's ok too of course, but I'm talking about us who are ok with it happening asap.

In such cases, I was wondering what are your opinions of my reasoning and on when should the sex occur?

View related questions: kissing

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hey guys, thanks for the answers :) I do feel a bit like questioning my actions - it seemed to me like the right thing to do at the moment and I don't regret doing it, but obviously it was risky in a way, even though safety in all aspects is very important to me in life.

Then again, in my question I guess I poorly expressed myself, I was talking about the kind of relationships people would generally get in, like getting together with someone you know from before, maybe a friend's friend or a coworker - *disregarding the safety aspect*, I was wondering what do people think is reasonable to do in those kind of situations when it comes to waiting vs sex, and do they agree waiting seems pointless.

In the kind of situation such as mine was, waiting would have obviously had a practical purpose of getting to know a guy better and minimize the possible risks, and even though it's not something I did, I would definitely recommend it to anyone ;)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2015):

Dating is judging people. You judge people when you ask about their education. Career. Religion. Criminal history. Judging people is not bad, it is using your brain and trying to make progress on finding a compatible person.

You also get judged on your sexual habits & morals. It something that many people, especially men, find important to them when they go looking for a long term partner. Its about compatibility as much as anything.

I know, I know. If a man was willing to have sex on a first date too, then isn't he just as bad, and has no business counting it against you?

Well, yes and no. A man like that is not exactly taking the moral high ground. But to say there is no difference between you & him isn't really fair either. Its denying that there is a difference between the male and female casual sex experience. Sorry but there is. Men are the seekers and women are the gatekeepers even in the 21st century. On the whole women do have it much easier to get sex than men do, and with more desirable partners. That is a benefit you get just for being female. The downside is you are expected to exercise better judgment about indulging it. You have to take the good with the bad.

Its biology. There is nobody to blame. Its just how humans are designed. Men can't change their natural feelings about sex and partners any more than you can change yours.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (30 April 2015):

YouWish agony auntI understand your line of thinking. But, I think in your analysis of the cultural reasons for holding out, you missed the biological and practical reasons for doing so.

First and foremost, SEX IS A RISK!

You hooked up with a one-night stand with a stranger. Casual sex practices are high-risk for disease and pregnancy as well as violence. Let's explore these:

1. Disease - do you know if the guy has an STI or not?? Condoms aren't 100% effective, and kissing and oral are 0% effective. That's a fantastic reason to wait that has no misogynistic connotations.

2. Pregnancy - Same reason as disease. Nothing is 100%. Not only that, but if that happens and you do get pregnant, would you know the guy's medical history? Name, phone number, address?? Bringing a child into the world is a huge responsibility. I have a genetic disease. Family history is everything. Disease includes a propensity to addiction as well, something you'd need to know in terms of introducing alcohol or drugs.

3. Violence - Don't dismiss this one. Let's say you're into a guy and things are heating up nicely sexually, but heading to his house, you see something that looks like a red flag and you change your mind. Because you don't know the guy, who's to say he would stop?? Most rapes and sexual assaults are from people you know rather than people you don't. Waiting helps you get to know someone first. There's a Reddit thread about that kind of rape written by...rapists! I'm not kidding. It will chill your blood, but the long and short of it is that they ignored protests to stop.

I get your line of thinking, but it does sound like the argument to disregard putting on a seatbelt because you don't want the government telling you what to do. Maybe, it's a safety thing, right? For both you AND a possible baby.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2015):


You don't sound that happy with your decision to have sex after a couple of hours. If you were totally ok with it, you wouldn't be asking the question.

Instead of asking other people what they think, you have to work out what you think. And feel.

If it suits you and your personality to have sex with someone then of course that's fine, as long as YOU are happy with the decision.

We're all different. I could not have sex with someone until I've got to know them and then I know when the time is right.

I've got a similar situation at the moment where I really like someone who's flirting with me and I'm enjoying it, but he's only making comments about sex.

I know that this isn't going to happen cos this kind of guy isn't for me.

It's all about working out what you're comfortable and happy with, about knowing yourself and sticking by how you feel. That's what being true to yourself means.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 April 2015):

Honeypie agony auntFor me it has always been a GOOD while into getting to know someone (4-6 months actually). NOT because I played mind-games, not because I worried about being judged, but because being relaxed and comfortable with someone was MAJORLY important to me.

I have been on many 1st and second dates where the guy tried to invite me back for "coffee" or "a drink" - which was pretty obvious invite for sex, and I declined. Again NOT because I was playing games, but I was really UNSURE if the guy was even a decent match, someone I would WANT to wake up next to. And once or twice I wasn't remotely physically attracted to the person.

BUT with all that said, I never never done casual sex. Ever. Not a single one-night-stand. For me sex is more then "scratching an itch" and I do feel like I became emotionally attached more AFTER sex. So with that in mind, I held back on the sex.

YOU have to find your own "rules" and boundaries. If it works for you to have sex on the first, second or whatever date, that GO for it. IF a guy judge YOU for it, well, then you know he isn't for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2015):

When the concerned parties understand, accept and agree with each other's terms and conditions. Terms and conditions like is this a relationship or is this a one night stand? Are we exclusive? Do you have any stis? What if we get pregnant? That's the ideal scenario.

But in practice people are not always sensible when it comes to sex and they have it when they want it even if it's a bit risky / not worth the drama.

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A male reader, lawncare United Kingdom +, writes (30 April 2015):

lawncare agony auntI think that your thinking is reasonable and sound. What I would perhaps rhetorically fire back with is this: have you made your thinking fit your actions?

It's not that I have a moral trouble with anything that you have said. I have had sex one a first date and some instances I have waited it out over a number of dates. It's just that your asking indicates a little wavering of guilt within yourself.

Sex should occur when both parties are comfortable. That is the only logical answer I can think of.

But perhaps the person inside of me that is approaching middle age would suggest that perhaps it isn't wise to have sex with everyone straight out of the gate. Not for reasons regarding your reputation, or because of any lingering question of personal conduct, but simply because of things like sexual-transmitted infections, etc. Personally I don't get involved unless there's a recent clean bill of health.

Other than that, do what gives you pleasure and if it affects any future partners then you are right, they are not the type that is ready for you in the longterm.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (30 April 2015):

janniepeg agony auntYour thinking is correct, but I don't mind waiting until date three. That's the day when people think it's safe. By that time I already know if we both have serious intent. On the first date I am curious about the person and the horniness hasn't kicked in. When you do it within a couple hours I understand that, after being celibate for a while. If a relationship comes out of that it's by chance. If not, it's not the end of the world.

Holding out can be a manipulative mind game but so is many other things in life such as selling things and marketing. In cases where it's not, some people are wired that they can only be aroused when they are emotionally connected, and that takes a long time. Some people are fragile, and can't deal with the hurt that comes from a break up because sex happens, and they think that automatically messes things up. They need to make sure the other person will never do that to them. They think 3 months, again the magic number, 3 months of not having sex, means the guy has respect and the relationship will be happily ever after.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2015):

Have you ever considered the possibility that engaging in casual sex with random strangers about whom you know absolutely nothing could potentially pose significant risks to your health and safety?

Not to be sexist, but a typical male can physically overpower a typical female; you could easily fall under the spell of a charming sociopath who preys on faux-worldly faux-sophisticated chicks like you, be taken against your will, vanish without a trace, and nobody would have any idea where to start looking for your body. As for the less melodramatic consequences, there's always unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2015):

My general rule was I would wait until a few dates and we had established that we were in an exclusive relationship. I don't like the idea of sleeping with someone who is sleeping with other people still. However with my boyfriend who I've been with a couple of years now I slept with him on the second date. He said I'd been single a long time and so had he, we both liked each other so what's the problem. I think he did have a point! Although its not something I'd ever done before. I do think rightly or wrongly having sex with people too fast makes them lose interest quickly 9 times out of 10.

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