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Why does every girl just want to be friends? I don't get past date three. And now this girl'stopped texting me !

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Crushes, Friends, Online dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 April 2015) 9 Answers - (Newest, 30 April 2015)
A male United States age 30-35, *jekim writes:

so this girl was a regular customer at my store, and we had so much in common. (How many girls love giant monster and horror movies lol) and we started hanging out, nothing serious at all. We would watch cartoons together over Skype and text all the time. We went to the movies and had an absolutely great time and I realize, holy cow, I think I really REALLY like this girl. Afterwards I get home and we are texting and I ask her was she seeing anyone, she says No, but actually broke up with her last bf pretty recently, and still need some time to figure stuff out. Plus She is going to Japan at the end of this month and is gonna be gone for 4 months, so I didnt really want to start anything and then just leave for that long. I was so embarrassed I apologized, she said it was okay. I didn't text her the next day and she texted me to see how I was. I apologized one last time and didn't want her to think I was just being friends to try and date her. She said she didn't think so, but thanked me for telling her. Now everything is back to usual, we are still hanging out and watching movies and stuff over Skype. But I still really like her, so much. but im not surehow she feels.

We have been texting back and forth for a while after she went to japan.i have been putting together a box of books and magizines she gets normally as a welcome back giftfor when she comes back. Is this okay idea?

Then her classes started and she stoped texting me. Haven't heard from her in Like a week?

What should i do?

So what am I doing wrong, I'm almost 28 and never had a Girlfriend, or gone on a 3rd date :(. Why does every girl I like only want to be friends, what's wrong with me?

View related questions: broke up, never had a girlfriend, text

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (30 April 2015):

Tisha-1 agony aunt"So what am I doing wrong, I'm almost 28 and never had a Girlfriend, or gone on a 3rd date :(. Why does every girl I like only want to be friends, what's wrong with me?"

I'm not trying to be mean or judgmental, I'm just assessing what may be going on here.

How many first dates have you had in your 28 years? How many girls have you asked out on a date?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2015):

I think it would help greatly if you would attempt to conduct your relationships in person instead of via text and skype.

Did you ever spend time with her in person before she left for Japan? If not, then that is not a relationship. If you are only interacting online then you are not even a real person to the other one. Just a distraction to kill time on the phone or computer really.

I think you should only keep in touch if she will be back from Japan soon and you are going to ask her to spend time with you on a date IN PERSON. If not, then assume this situation was just tuition in the school of hard knocks, and move on to a new girl who lives near you.

Make a date right away, do not attempt to befriend them first. Let the girl know the first time or two you speak that you want to get to know her better and would like to take her on a date. Then do it.

Make the decision about what, when, where, and ask her if she wants to join you, or can you pick her up (very cool and bonus points for being a gentleman if you pick her up/drop her off!). If you ask her to make the decisions about the first few dates you will seem to lack confidence.

Also, by making these in person dates, you can meet girls that like (or are at least willing to try) the same things you do!

Hope these tips will help you. It is never too late to learn a new trick.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (30 April 2015):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntGet PAST the third date????? According to my reference book or "Relationships".... BY (the end of) the third date, you should have her clothes off!!!!!!!!

Good luck....

P.S. I never had much luck, either.....

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (30 April 2015):

Sometimes you are judged by the things you like to do. If the sort of things you like to do fall into a romantic-context; you are more likely to find a girl who is searching for romance, and will see all your activities as dating or having that potential.

You have to appeal to the correct area of her interest, and know how to read the signals she is sending you in return. Seeking friends or seeking romance. Pay attention. You're a little too self-absorbed.

If you do things friends normally do; that really excludes romance. You will not ping that "romantic-nerve," or send off the type of signals that indicate you're not just interested in being her buddy. You aren't offering her any actions or words that signify that this is the beginning of a courtship.

Human connections often go where YOU lead them.

Sometimes when people fear rejection; they establish a connection with another person under the guise of "just wanting to be a friend." Well, that's what you'll get.

If you're searching for romance, ask the girl out on a date; and start with something romantic. Once you spark

romantic chemistry, being friends is a given. You first have to establish the fact you want to date not just hangout. The minute she makes excuses not to see you, or start cancelling dates. End it. She's letting you know that you haven't sent the right signals at all. Save face. You've failed. You're a man, not a boy. They will play along with you to be nice. There is nothing romantic about watching cartoons on Skype! Perhaps if you're 10!

You don't do the things you'd normally do with your bros. That can come much later. You're looking for a love-match; so show some sex-appeal. Otherwise, they can't visualize being kissed, or letting you make love to them. If there is no sexual-attraction, you can forget about romance.

You are being read by the signals you're sending out. You also may come across as a little too playful or immature. Nothing wrong with watching cartoons and horror movies; but women will not exactly take you seriously being a 28 year-old man. You sprinkle these fun things in for excitement, not as the main-theme of a date!

Now that you're apart, that could be a good thing. Start sending her nice cards. Compliment her and surprise her by not being so predictable. She stopped texting; because she is busy. She is away for a reason, and she has to commit herself to her responsibilities.

Now is your opportunity to start resetting your approach, and let her know that you have taken a romantic interest; and maybe you'd like to try something different.

Instead of texting, call and have some grown-up conversation when you know she isn't busy or strapped for time. Give her hints that you were hoping what you have between you could be more along romantic-lines. Listen carefully to her response.

If she seems shocked or overly-surprised; she has no romantic-interest in you whatsoever. You want her to be pleasantly caught off-guard. If she has a romantic interest in you, you will have given her the opportunity to confirm if she is up for that. She will either agree to try something different; or let you know if you're just in the friend-zone.

Don't just assume you're in the friend-zone without actually making an attempt to ask this lady if she would like to put the old activities aside for a spell, and try dating instead. That means going out to dinner, watching movies with an intellectual, romantic, or a more mature-theme. Taking drives, long walks holding hands.

Take her out to lunch, and schedule to do things together in the evening. This will change the atmosphere, and put her in a different mindset around you.

Save your boyish habits and activities for rainy days and lazy afternoons.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 April 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI have to say INSTEAD of asking a girl to "hang out" ASK her out on a date. (maybe ask her first if she is single).

THAT way SHE knows you aren't looking for a buddy, and YOU can sort the "I'm not interested in a BF or YOU as my BF" out of the pile real quick.

I have NOT dated any of my male friends. If they started OUT as a friend, they were friends no more. Now you may call that a "friend-zone" but I don't see it that way. A friend is a friend, NOT a potential BF.

Hanging out watching a movie.... is NOT a date-date. It's something FRIENDS do, and something ESTABLISHED couples do.

Last but not least, WHY would you apologize for being honest? There was no need for you to "be sorry" for being interested in her.

Finding a good match is DEFINITELY a thing of trial and error. So don't give up. But MIX it up. If what you are doing NOW isn't working... try another approach.

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A male reader, Xearo Trinidad and Tobago + , writes (30 April 2015):

She didnt say why she broke up did she?

At the same time you shouldn't have apologized for telling her you liked her. What exactly would you be sorry for? You have feelings for her and you asked about her past, any sane person would do this. Apologizing just makes things awkward.

I don't think she is looking for a boyfriend. She seems to have a busy lifestyle. Also, don't stay friends with a girl after they tell you their intentions of not wanting a boyfriend. She must have sniffed out a mile away that you are interested in her, else she wouldn't have added the fact that she "wouldnt want to start anything".

The gift is a good idea but you are a friend. You will only be liked more as a friend. Being there for her as a friend, and keeping contact with her only solidifies the friendzone because she can get close communication without having to commit.

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (30 April 2015):

olderthandirt agony auntBrown wolf has got it right! don't "expect" more than a frienship when you meet a girl. They don't just swoon into your arms and want to raise a family. Like any good thing. love needs to be cultered over time. Lower your expectations and be concerne with trating her with the utmost respect. If they 'vaporize", then so be it. It wasn't meant to be.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (30 April 2015):

janniepeg agony auntDon't become friends with girls. Find out if they are single, ready and available then date them. Keep dating until you find a good match. There is no point in liking someone who can't like you back. The time you spend on prolonging a futile friendship could be spent on looking for another girl.

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada + , writes (30 April 2015):

BrownWolf agony aunt

You are doing exactly what most men do when they are single and meet a woman...YOU ARE EXPECTING SOMETHING...and most women can spot that a mile away. Best way to stay single as a man, is to want really bad to have a girlfriend...why?? You become desperate...not a good look.

No true relationship will last without you learning how to be a friend first, and boyfriend last. Forget about the fact you haven't had a girlfriend, and just be happy that girls will even talk to you. When you can accept that, more serious girls will come along.

You don't have girlfriends because life knows you have not learned what you need in order to get one. Learn...understand what you have learned...and put it into practice.

Lots of guys want a girlfriend...they get one, have no idea how to treat her...and then back in singles world with a broken heart in no time.

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