A
male
age
30-35,
*tevenoid
writes:how do I stop thinking about my Girlfriends past and make sure its not the end of our future?I looked at many sites about guys on this subject but Wow all these dudes think they got it bad with like girlfriends having 3-4 partners more then them... I am with the girl of my dreams who I have gave my virginity too (I am 18, she 21) yet her past is not fancy... All was PERFECT until that number question festered in my head. She has had 3 boyfriends and 6 one night stands (one with a girl). This is destroying me :( she is soo perfect and she loves me literaly too death and I am well endowed too but come onnnnn!!!!!!! She is my one and only and will be always but she has shared her body, her sacred body, with 6 people who just wanted sex. these men (and her) will be able to picture this forever and makes me jealous, like i have to share her in my head with all these people every single ^^^^^ng day knowing that I am not her only.. she said she realy only loved 2 guys. Me and her first. But I still feel like there is going to be a big painful chunk of my heart missing because there is a permanant stamp on all these people in there.In my mind and in my gf's mind.We talked about it and sometimes she thinks im calling her s^^^^y but thats not it.. There is just missing. something.. A hundred years ago a man and women would save virginty for the perfect one, what a beautifull world we lived in :( is my situation bad? I feel like i might have to break up and go experience different people to ease this pain constantly poking me but i dont want to.She's my dream girl, im sure id regret it PLEASE some one leave me a reply i desperately need it..
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her past, jealous, one night stand Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Atsweet1  +, writes (10 August 2012):
 find a virgin
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2012): "you're going to have to accept that most of your future girlfriends will have a past like this, and that it's a good thing."
Why should the OP have to live by and with other people's sexual values? Doesn't he have the right to his own feelings and choices on the matter? Are his feelings and choices less valid because they are less common than his GF's?
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A
female
reader, Little_Owl  +, writes (5 August 2012):
 What this boils down to is that she has a lot more knowledge in the sexual department than you do. Knowledge is power, and that also goes for sex. Considering you believe that she's your dream girl, sex with her must be quite amazing. You can bet that her sexual exploration is the reason WHY it is amazing. As much as you wish you did, you don't live in the 19th century, you're going to have to accept that most of your future girlfriends will have a past like this, and that it's a good thing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2012): I'll try to be as forward but as tactful as possible. You don't know what you want in life. At 18 I guess you could be forgiven for your cluelessness. The female you are with is just as clueless as you. She is clueless as to what it means to be loved by men, hence the 6 guys. Also, she's clueless as to her own sexuality, hence, the homosexual fling. Furthermore, clueless as to her role as a woman, hence theinvolvement with a younger male. You. Life gets very complicated when we have absolutely no idea where we are heading. Be honest with yourself. You are clueless as to what it means to love a woman. If you did, you wouldn't be asking these qestions in the first place.Don't complain about something that you have no control over. You need to rethink your life instead of living in your current state of confusion. Just dissolve this relationship. That is the first step in the right direction.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2012): Hey man be patient to forget everything before you actually break up. Most of the time we think breaking up is a solution but not in reality. Have constructive conversations with her and try to convince yourself as far as she is now with you she only loves you not the other people anymore. This is almost close to my own situation, I broke up knowing her past but I am still dwelling myself with her memories that I can't even think some other women!!!!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2012): Doc H here
"that's what people do when there young, they experiment, they have fun"
Then if that's true, he should DEFINITELY break up with her because this relationship is preventing him from experiencing that. I suppose that is the real question; if he feels like he is missing out and selling himself short in life, he needs to simply tell his GF he wants to take a break from the relationship, have his fun, and see if she is still interested afterwards (keep in mind if she isn't as accomodating to him as SHE expected him to be for her now- she isn't the 'one' anyway).
Generally, relationships that start that young never last, and one that is already making him feel awful will simply mess up his life.
Also funny some of the other posters who seem to view 'telling the truth' as some amazingly generous act deserving of a reward, rather than the least a person can do to be a decent human being? OP, you can safely ignore people that say that (and try to avoid dating them).
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (27 July 2012):
 You are struggling under an irrational belief. A belief that is not true and that is keeping you from moving forwards. This is it:
"There is a permanent stamp on all these people in there. In my mind and in my gf's mind."
Believing this keeps you trapped in a place where you can't escape the pain.
However reality is different. They are not 'stamped permanently' in her mind.
The word 'stamped' suggests huge force. The reality is they were not particularly meaningful, they only lightly touched her mind. She thinks of you now, not them, and their memory will fade gradually until she will forget them entirely.
'Permanent' is even less true. There is no such thing as permanence. We are continually reinvented: our bodies, our minds, our thoughts, our emotions. Permanence is an illusion that we cling to, that once we see through sets us free.
I have two simple meditations that I have found help to accept this idea, and hence help with dealing with retroactive jealousy. I suggest exploring these thoughts:
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People are not permanent things, objects like rock or metal. Rather we are patterns, what we are is not what we are made of.
Picture a whirlpool. Whilst the whirlpool has a form and singular identity, it is made of of continuously changing water. What the whirlpool is not what it is made of, since that is always changing. People are whirlpools: an ever changing flow of experiences, and an ever changing flow of blood, bone and flesh (every cell in our body is dies and is replaced). There is nothing permanent about a person other than their name: the label we give, just as there is nothing permanent about a whirlpool.
There is an ancient sand dune in the Sahara desert. It has crossed almost all they way across the desert over many many decades. It has a name, and people have watched it's progress. Yet every single grain of sand in it has been changed many times over. There is no part of it that is the same as it was when it started its journey, yet it still has the same name and is thought of as the same sand dune. People are like sand dunes: we are a pattern with a name but every part of us: our minds and bodies are continually replaced and changed.
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Try to understand that people are not fixed permanent things but rather ever changing patterns that are continually refreshed and adapted. When you see this to be true you'll realise that your belief is irrational:
"There is a permanent stamp on all these people in there. In my mind and in my gf's mind."
The reality is this:
"The echo of those people is fading and will eventually fade to nothing. My girlfriend's mind is always becoming a new and different place: I can be part of that place if I chose."
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (26 July 2012):
Dear OP, if you have already checked out other threads on this topic then you should know that you would not get a lot of sympathy, especially from the aunts! However you certainly have mine. I have been where you are, and in trumps. There are a group of people, men and women who give meaning and importance to whom we have sex with, looking for shared love and commitment. We cherish the sex act a bit like we cherish a turkey dinner with our loved ones for thanksgiving. Its a special meaning we give it that makes it better than any old meal with a bunch of strangers.Here are a few pointers that might help:1. The pain will never go away. It will deminish as the main cause of the pain is shock. It will be over a year before you can feel like it was just something that happened.2. Now you have to get you brain in gear and think about these things:3. Sex is actually a very personal act. It is something we do together but what we think and feel whilst doing it is inside us. It is wrong to expect your partner to feel like you are.4. Sex can be quite different for men and women. For many women it can be a very passive act. They let guys do it because they have drunk too much, are coersed, or simply need the attention. Sex is a good and fun bonding act but it is not love!!5. Understand your girlfriends history (since you asked, or she decided to tell you) she is a bit older than you, she fell in love with someone that fell really special, she had a sexual relation. It failed, and she replaced the physical need for love that she had developed by having a number of casual or failed attempts at relationships.6. The only thing she ever did wrong to you was not understand you well enough to realise you would understand how and why she got to where are now.7. Do some good things together to strengthen what you have and give you good memories. Its summer, go out and have sex on the beach, in the woods, go dancing, camping, trekking, etc lots of physical things and lots of sex and fill your head with good memories.8. Remember to tell your girlfriend how much you love her and treat her always like the really special person she is. She loves you.Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Htsn47 +, writes (26 July 2012):
 Please heed the advice the other aunts and uncles have given you here. The problem here is YOU, not her. Sorry to be so blunt, but that's how it is.
She wants to be with you. She's been with other guys. So she knows a little about this - and she's chosen to be with you. You should feel good about that, not bad.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2012): The OP is morally against casual sex and his GF is fine with it. This is a very deep difference in their moral values about relationships and sex. It would be there regardless of the number of partners either one of them had.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 July 2012):
 Auntie Abella put in some great link, read them over and get some help.
The whole idea of everything being better if SHE was a virgin is ridiculous. But in many ways so is R.J. except to the person suffering from it.
To think that someone would be willing to BLOW a relationship with someone who seems to be The One, the Dream girl over something like her sexual history... it's silly.
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A
male
reader, Hennessy1989 +, writes (25 July 2012):
 She is older, clearly much more mature than you and has a lot more experience than you, that's what people do when there young, they experiment, they have fun, sometimes they bow to peer pressure and do things when their young that they wouldn't do a few years later, your acting pathetic, at this rate you are going to lose this girl, and by the sounds of things she's better off without you, grow up man!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 July 2012):
 A, the issue is inside of your mind. The way you think about it, the very ideas you choose to believe in, are what's preventing you from enjoying your life with her.
Her "sacred" body you call it. No. Not sacred. HER body. Not her SACRED body. This is difference you must understand and grasp. It was always her body, and it was always something she chose to do, and something she wanted, and something she did to please herself. With her body. She did not betray something "sacred" about herself. She was never pure, or divine, or sacred, even if she never had sex with anyone else. A body is just a body... not a holy temple with gold and diamonds or a spiritual gate to heaven or Shangri La. A body is flesh and blood. A body is earthly, not sacred.
You love her, and you have made her body into something sacred, because to you it is. But that isn't what it is to her, and that isn't how it should be either. A body, and sex for that matter, should not be thought of as something sacred or holy or divine or be given attributes it does not have.
There is no permanent stamp from other people on her. You are treating her like an object. Like she was a house (or holy temple), and that she invited rug-rats in there to sleep, and that no one cleaned up after themselves. So then you come in, and you think you need to start tidying everything, but there will always be little things here and there that are left behind. Well, your girlfriend isn't a house that's been used in any way. There's no permanent marks. She is herself, she was herself back then, and she is herself right now, and whether she had sex with 1 or 10 or 50 people wouldn't change her body from being hers and being the very same. You need to start grasping that her body is her... it's not a house, not a temple, not something dirty or in need of cleaning...
A person will always meet other people in their life. Whether they sleep with them or not, a person can always remember the other people they have met. Or not. They might forget. I forget. I don't remember all the ones I've kissed, hugged, or even had sex with. I don't remember it any better than you remember every kiss you and your girlfriend have shared. Yet you think these kisses have left permanent marks... where? Can you point at these marks? Can you say "this is where I kissed her last night, this is from a year ago, this is from two months ago" etc? No, you cant.. because there are no permanent marks. It's just her skin, without marks. You kissing her skin doesn't give you OWNERSHIP over her skin... it is still her skin. Every raindrop that has ever fallen on her skin owns it just as much as your kisses own it.
Being with her, kissing her, and sharing something intimate with her.. it is something you are given only momentarily. Never permanently. She is never yours in any way, as your bodies are not joined together. And at any moment, she can choose to not want to be in a relationship with you any longer. You having kissed her means absolutely nothing in this respect. You having touched her does not mean she can never forget you... she can. You being with her has not given you a special bond with her made in heaven... The special contact only lasted for as long as it physically lasted. Once you and her get dressed you are back to your normal selves... still not magically bound to each other.
My point is that sex doesn't leave a permanent mark. Sex doesn't bind two people together. Sex doesn't give anyone ownership over the other. Sex doesn't mean you owe anything to each other. Sex doesn't mean you have rights over each other. Having had sex with her once doesn't even mean you will be able to have sex with her again... at any given time she might say no. Because she is always herself, her body is hers, not yours. And you have no rights. But just the same, no previous lover have any rights to her, any special connection to her, any ownership over her, any permanent marks on her, or any special connection to her.
Any previous lover is just as significant as any person she ever has talked to, and just as meaningful as any raindrop that has ever touched her skin.
Be grateful for being allowed to stay close with her the times you are close to her, because you should remember that nothing is to be taken for granted. You might not be together forever. She might leave, you might leave, or one of you dies. Just because you have her in your arms today doesn't mean you will have her there tomorrow.. so be happy for the moments you have, because you can not own her future and you can not own her past.
You are 18. The likelihood of this girl being "the one" is slim. I'm not saying that to be mean, but what I am trying to point out is that right now, while you are a teenager in love, things appear SO dramatic and ABSOLUTE. You think you will love her FOREVER so to speak. But reality is you are likely to break up with her, find flaws with her, or just plain and simple realize that people are just people, not magical creatures. People, including your girlfriend, could end up being boring, especially when every day life happens. Right now you are in the honeymoon phase, but it wont always be like that. Right now you're on an emotional high... but that will disappear too. And when things calm down you will also see that this isn't as big of a deal as you make it out to be.
"A hundred years ago a man and women would save virginty for the perfect one"
Your girlfriend isn't perfect, so you're just as bad as her. You gave your virginity to a oh so flawed human, just like the rest of us. Because no one is perfect, not even you. And not her either. If she was perfect she probably wouldn't be human to be honest, she'd be some magical creature. It is time you start to face reality of life.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 July 2012):
 You need to look at all the responses our Agony Uncle Yos has given to the tons of retroactive jealousy questions we get here. He's our expert. Just know you are not the only person dealing with this problem.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 July 2012):
 Two Uncles and One Aunt on DearCupid.org are absolute treasures when it comes to explaining Retrograde Jealousy.(RJ). It afflicts many men
First below is a very good account of RJ by Tisha_1
Another is by Uncle YOS as he is outstanding in understanding RJ - which currently afflicts you with emotions that hurt you, more than anyone else.
Then the resident expert on RJ is Uncle Yos.
And then a poster who should post more often and that the uncle who answered a RJ question.
Here are the some outstanding answers on Retrograde Jealousy.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-night-we-started-dating-she-slept-with.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/problem-with-girlfriends-past56.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-people-cope-with-the-knowledge-that.html
Jealousy is within you. But Jealousy is not within everyone. Men seem to struggle far more than women.
And get on to Ancestry.com and you will find that thousands of people 100, 200, 500 and earlier years ago did not remain as virginal as you might imagine.
You have finally found your Dream Girl. I do hope the answers and the questions posted above do inspire you to get some help with your feelings. Jealousy will push a loved one away. It would be tragic to find that you had lost your dream girl all because of your Jealousy.
I know it is Soooo hard to put the Jealousy Genie back into the bottle.
But if you value you, focus on you, and really accept that your relationship with her starts the day you and her decided to be exclusive.
Any day prior to that does not exist. But maybe you are not ready to hear that yet.
Life will become so much more rosy when you no longer allow your self to feel jealousy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2012): Grow up!
If you are going to break up with her over this, you are a hypocrit and she is obviously NOT your 'one and only.'
You guys are so quick to 'give your virginity' to a girl, then pester her with questions about 'how many' guys she has had before in some sort of sad attempt to compare yourself to either her or her other partners. If you knew she had other sex partners before you lost your virginity to her, you also knew how you would feel about this if the numbers exceeded a certain amount.
Please. Do me a favor. Find Dan Savage's 'Savage Love' web column and send in your question.
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