A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I found out today that my boyfriend of two years has been skyping another girl, calling her 'sexy', 'love', 'cutie', all things that he calls me, telling her she's 20 times hotter than me, that he'll think of her when he's in bed with me, etc.I confronted him about it, to which he said he gets lonely. I said that wasn't an excuse and he said he didn't mean it to be an excuse. I told him that it's not acceptable and of course he apologized profusely for the rest of the night. I told him I don't trust him anymore and I don't forgive him, but I am not leaving him at the moment. He said nothing like this will ever happen again and that he'll tell me what he does every second of every day if I want him to, and he asked me to tell him when I do forgive him?I will be watching him like a hawk from now on. Did I do the right thing in giving him another chance? I've found suspicious texts on his phone before, but nothing incriminating. I don't believe he'd physically cheat on me but he seems to think this sort of thing doesn't count, until I told him differently during this confrontation.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (26 July 2012):
 I also agree with k_c. Why bother going through the effort of "watching him like a hawk"? You deserve a guy you don't have to watch or wonder if he's throwing you under the bus on Skype.
His response, that he "gets lonely" is really telling here. Why would he be lonely if he has you, and why would he think that Skype conversations are the cure to his loneliness over a flesh-and-blood girlfriend?
I think he would cheat on you physically. He's grooming this girl, and you know that he can't soften her up by saying that you are the most beautiful girl in the world. His words to her are worthless, and every word that comes out of his mouth to YOU is worthless.
Also the "let me know when you forgive me" shows lack of remorse for what he did. Someone with real remorse doesn't want to get through the sting of betrayal. They would be eagerly and actively making it up to you, rebuilding your trust, and starting from square one to court you again. This guy wants to get back to business as usual (read: Skype) without hassle.
I'm going to throw out a theory here. Normally, guys are straightforward in what they say, but I can actually read between the lines here with your guy. His reason is that he "gets lonely". What that means is, he needs the ego boost of other women's attentions. You've been dating him two years, so what he wants is the thrill of knowing that he "still got it" with other women. The weird thing is -- your anger and fury ACTUALLY FEEDS THIS. You getting pissed, watching him like a hawk, actually feeds his ego, because for you to be all riled like this means that you still find him desirable. In this strange way, after two years, what he calls "loneliness" might have meant that he perceived your feelings became stale to him, and now, they're white hot, even though they're negative now.
I wouldn't feed his ego, even to watch over him like a hawk. He has betrayed his immaturity, and you don't have time to be his mommy/den mother. Ditch the guy and find someone less flighty and emotionally fragile.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 July 2012):
 So why stay?
In the long run YOU not forgiving him is mainly punishing YOURSELF, you are the one who will feel a need to snoop, check up on him, not trust and generally feel like crap.. OVER something HE did. HE. Not you. Why on Earth should you walk on eggshells and feel bad, when HE did the "wrong" thing?
I agree with k_c100 - I would have left. All you will achieve from staying is learning how "not" to trust a partner and all he will learn is that he can get away with it... IF he hides it better in the future.
And I agree with So_Very_Confused - emotionally cheating can be a lot worse, because they are getting totally involved with the emotions - trying to get that thrill of "honeymoon phase love" with someone else.
Sorry, honey. He will not stop. He's done it before he will do it again. And he will get better at hiding it.
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A
male
reader, Hennessy1989  +, writes (25 July 2012):
 Given the chance Id bet he wouldn't physically cheat on you, he obviously never expected you to find out, the reason he doesn't feel so bad is because he hasn't done anything physical and never planned too, he doesn't realise that words are just as bad as actions sometimes, the whole watching him like a hawk sounds like a sad situation to me, a relationship where trust is broken is not worth the effort, honest opinion I don't think he would physically cheat, but it's down to you whether you forgive his words, which was very low to stoop
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 July 2012):
 Emotional cheating to me is worse. I can accept physical cheating more than emotional cheating which is what your guy did.
Saying she’s hotter than you and he thinks of her in bed when he’s with you? I’m UBER forgiving and that would be a deal breaker for me… my response would have been
“good now you won’t need to think of her when you are in bed with me, you can think of me while you are in bed with her” and I would have let him go….
Since you have found stuff before, you know he’s done it before… if you confronted him about it before he knows you will forgive him like before…and now he knows just how much he owns you… you let him stay after blatantly disrespecting you and cheating on you.
My ex husband did all the texting etc… once I found out I NEVER trusted him again….
Do you really want to be MOMMY to your partner always checking up on him and watching him?
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (25 July 2012):
 Think about it: this man knowingly and deliberately went after this other woman. Numerous times. Whether or not he actually had sex with her is beside the point. His behavior was calculated and underhand.
Moreover, despite him telling you he'll never do anything like this again, you said you have found "suspicious texts" on his phone previously. Whether "incriminating" or not, they are clear signs that he has messed around behind your back before.
You should tell him: "You're damn right you'll never do anything like this again because I'm ending it with you, now and for good."
Then do so.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2012): No you didn't do the right thing to forgive that. Well I could not forgive that and besides the trust would be gone. Good Luck though but he will probably do the same thing as he is not only interested in one girl (you) If he cared about you he wouldn't call another girl sexy and everything else. How would you know he would not cheat physically? You dont know that. Why waste time checking up on him,that's not how relationships are meant to be. You need trust not to watch or check up on someone 24/7 as it will drive you crazy.
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A
female
reader, MissTellAll +, writes (25 July 2012):
 If I were in your shoes I would have had him out the door before he could say "lonely".
More likely than not this will only prolong the inevitable outcome of either you leaving him for being a cheater or him deciding he wants the girl who is '20 times hotter' than you. I would avoid the latter like the plague.
If someone at any point in time would disrespect you like this, he does not deserve your compainionship. That is my honest opinion.
The choice is always yours and you may even work out, but probability is not in your favor and I for one am not a gambler.
Good luck to you
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 July 2012):
 He knew what he did was wrong. He just didn't care about your feelings. How emotionally cold would you have to be for this to NOT hurt you? Don't give him so many excuses... such as "he seems to think this sort of thing doesn't count, until I told him differently during this confrontation.". No, he KNEW all along that this counts. He knew all along that this would hurt your feelings. What he thought is that it wouldn't matter as ling as you never found out. And this is what he will CONTINUE to think, because this is who he is. He is a man who thinks he can do and say whatever as long as you never find out. He doesn't think about you, how he betrays you, or your feelings, when he does these things. He is only thinking about himself and about the likelihood of you ever finding out.
This is not the sort of man you want or need in your life. You need to realize that even if you want to be faithful, and even if you want a good relationship, you can't force him to want the same. He doesn't want you! He doesn't want a good and faithful relationship with you! If that's what he wanted then that's what he'd be working towards. But instead, he's been chatting up women behind your back, and who knows how far he's taken it. He's been pulling the wool over your eyes, thinking about other women when he has sex with you, and telling other women about your relationship. He's broken your trust in so many ways, who cares if he's physically touched these women or not. You just don't pull that sort of crap on someone you love, period. And he KNOWS this. He isn't some child. So do not make excuses for him. He knew how much this would hurt you and your relationship, yet he CONTINUED to do it, because he didn't think you'd find out.
So the point is... no, he doesn't deserve a second chance. Because he intentionally decided to BLOW what you and him had. You want this relationship... but his actions tell you that he doesn't want you. Unfortunately, HE is the one who decided that what you and him had wasn't important enough for him to show it respect. And when HE is the one who has decided to not respect your relationship.. well, it doesn't matter then if YOU respect it, or if you forgive, or if you work for this relationship. Because it is one sided.
You are now the one to make a sacrifice for this relationship. You've already sacrificed your dignity, when he humiliated you in front of other women. Now you are preparing to sacrifice your self respect, by forgiving him for these actions. But ask yourself this: what does HE sacrifice for the relationship?
If you want this to work out then he needs to sacrifice as much as you. It isn't about revenge, but if he isn't willing to sacrifice for the relationship just the same as you are willing, then it truly is just one sided. One sacrifice he could have made was to be alone and NOT fall into temptation. But he chose not to stay strong for you. He chose to betray you... He made no sacrifices. He still makes no sacrifices...
Exactly how far are you going to let him push you? How much do you need to sacrifice before you realize that this man does not value you anywhere near as much as you value him? You can do better. You need to dump this loser.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 July 2012):
 I agree 100% with the little yellow chick. Cheating is cheating, whether it's physical or emotional. He doesn't even think what he did was wrong so his behavior most likely will not change and his apologies are meaningless. Watching him like a hawk is going to be exhausting.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (25 July 2012):
 In my opinion no you didnt do the right thing, I personally could not stay with a man who has been telling another girl how she is '20 times hotter' than his girlfriend, and a man who has been thinking about another girl when in bed with his girlfriend. It is just so disrespectful and downright disgusting for him to do this. To me saying those kinds of things, to anyone let alone a girl he is having an emotional affair with, is unforgiveable.
But at the end of the day it is your choice - if you think you can forgive him and move on, and learn to trust him again then fair enough, stay with him. But if you cant forgive him for this and wont ever trust him again then there is no point in staying together, without trust the relationship cannot continue.
You have found texts in the past, so that shows he clearly never learnt his lesson because a similar thing has repeated itself again. So you can be pretty sure he will do it again, he will just try to hide it better next time.
The choice is yours - but I dont think this guy will ever be trustworthy and isnt lonely at all, he just enjoys female attention and wants as much of it as possible. If I were in your situation I would leave him, but you have to make that choice yourself.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, agonyauntsanonymous +, writes (25 July 2012):
Only you know if you feel you have made the right decision, but im glad you stood up for yourself. It sounds to me though, that hes only sorry he got caught and if you said he has had suspicious txts on his phone then he probably has done it before. I would not trust him. You shouldnt have to watch him like a hawk. Hes a man that opted to be in a relationship with you, any man that is in a relationship and does that with another woman, should be single. If it were me i would have dumped him. Especially since he was telling her this to her face, god knows what else he did. My heart goes out to you and i rly hope your decision works out for you. Id see how he feels about counselling.
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