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Now that he's abroad he doesn't contact me at all!

Tagged as: Crushes, Flirting, Long distance<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 September 2017) 14 Answers - (Newest, 12 September 2017)
A female Denmark age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hi,

I'm in a strange "relationship" with my colleague and I don't know what to do..One year ago I've got this new job..when i met with my coworker, it was instant chemistry, he always look at me, trying to contact me..but i heard he's a player so I tried to resist him, but i never felt such a strong chemistry to anyone..few months later we had work party, when we broke the ice, we talked and talked (got drunk as well), and beside the strong chemistry, we had great time, we had always something to talk about and laughed...but nothing happened because I didn't want to, cause I was afraid of his reputation...Altough i thought about him all the time.

Weeks later we met again at one party, we couldn't stay away from each other, it was such a strong connection and we ended up kissing. He wanted more, but I didn't..Then we were on friendly terms, we went out together few times, but with our other friends as well, it wasn't date, but we had a great time, but there were no kissing or anything else. From time to time we chatted online and sometimes it went really flirtious, but nothing more. I didn't want anything more, because he told me that in a few months, he's leaving our work and goes work abroad, which made me really sad...

But in this summer we met at one party and we stayed together the whole night, we talked, we danced, we laughed, he was giving me the most beautiful compliments in the world...it really felt amazing and i realized i have deeper feelings for him..and from his acts, words, touches and look in his eyes I thought he might be feeling something too...we ended up kissing and i went to his home. we made lot of things, but didn't have sex...because I still had in my head he's leaving to another country and when i have sex i always fall in love, which would be dangerous...

After this night we just chatted online and met again after few days in his flat. We made out, he wanted sex but I didn't. He was about to leave in few days and was telling me how he didn't want to because of me, but he must go..So we said goodbye holding each other in the arms and kissing, he told me he would visit me sometimes and that i can come and visit him..but it's too far.

Since he left I can't think about anyone else but him and his touches, kisses, voice...I'm so sad. But the saddest part is, that since he's abroad, he doesn't contact me at all.. I was the first who wrote to him but he was very brief in his answers, like he didn't want to talk to me... Since then I didn't write him or anything, but neither he did..I'm so sad and confused why he acts this way, because it seemed like we had connection, but maybe i am naive...what do you think of his behaviour? thank you!!

View related questions: co-worker, drunk, flirt, kissing, player

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (12 September 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntI understand you being sad, but he never saw you as a friend, he saw you as another notch on his bed post. You had a good laugh and a good time because he no doubt is a charmer and knows how to make women feel comfortable and relaxed. It is sad when you think you know someone but you don't. You should have stayed well clear from the start.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 September 2017):

Honeypie agony auntHe might contact you when he isn't so busy getting acquainted with his new job, new home, and new co-workers.

I don't think it's that he JUST doesn't care about you (as a friend or otherwise) it's just that he has other things as his top priority right now.

I moved abroad, for a year, when I was 18. I called my parents and sent some postcards the first week I was there. After that? Well, I was BUSY! With work, with seeing EVERYTHING London had to offer, with new friends and co-workers. I was a sucky friend when it came to correspondence the first 6 months. My BFF had moved to Belgium as an Au Pair so calling was not that easy (back then - We had a pay phone at the hostel and she lived with a family) but we did meet up in London and in Amsterdam.

So I'd chill a bit. IF he sees you as a friend he WILL want to tell you ALL about the new place, the new job, and people. Eventually. And if not... well, then you will know he isn't someone "worthy" of the title friend. Then he will just become "that guy you used to know".

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (9 September 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt I think that you may have been projecting your feelings and hopes on him, and seeng in his attitude toward you what you wanted to see, which was way more than he felt.

I also think that maybe you see things rather in black and White- either he really cares, or he does not care " at all ". Probably the truth is in between, that he cared- beside sex- but just a little bit. Enough to make him want to flirt with you, laugh with you, joke with you, spend ( very occasionally ) some time with you , as long as he was getting " something " out of it. Then, out of sight out of mind, and this is hardly surprising. He has a well established reputation as a player; he knew ( and told you ) that he was leaving soon; he never bothered to ask you out properly or to try and date you officially. I think you gave a lot of weight to what, for an uninvolved observer, sounds like some light hearted, pleasant , casual fun.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2017):

Author of the topic:

Thank you all for your opinions, you've helped me to realize what kind of man he is... But even when I know he's player, I quite don't understand how he doesn't care about me at all... even not as a friend..

we've been in touch for a year, we talked a lot, we laughed a lot, we had always something to talk about and have many things in common..beside the strong chemistry and that I know that we'll never have relationship, I liked him as a person/friend and I'm curious how is he doing abroad etc...so I don't understand how he doesn't see me and miss me even as a friend and is not curious how I'm doing..it's sad..

thank you all!

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (9 September 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntI didn't even need to get to the end of your post to know what was coming because his behaviour was/is so predictable!

All he wanted from you was sex. Full stop. When he didn't get that, there was no reason to be in touch with you even for the sake of formality or courtesy.

Good for you for not giving in! You did the right thing. Now chalk him up as a bad experience, shrug him off and move on.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2017):

You havn't said which country he is from. Maybe he is from one of those underdeveloped, war torn countries. Maybe his family is too poor or too conservative hence he is too shy to show them to you. Or like the others have said he is a player. Either case, my advice like the other is consider it was a holiday romance that finished with the holiday. Wish you good luck with your future romances.

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A female reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 United States + , writes (8 September 2017):

He is a player and will say anything to get what he wants. More then likely he found some other woman to charm and bed. I know charming these men can be and when the veil is lifted, you are left wondering what the heck happened. Best thing, forget about him and find a guy who will love you.

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico +, writes (8 September 2017):

"I'm so sad and confused why he acts this way, because it seemed like we had connection, but maybe i am naive...what do you think of his behaviour?"

You are being naive.

Listen, when your friends and co-workers tell you that a guy is a player, it's because HE IS A PLAYER. It's not because they want to hurt you or that they want to sabotage your relationship: they are being honest to you about that.

You see, a player knows how to touch and make a girl feel special, and draw girls to him like bees to honey. If this guy is not talking to you anymore, it's probably because you didn't wanted to have sex with him, he's mad, and is probably getting that sex in that other country.

If he is not talking to you, he is not THAT interested in you.

Also, many of those "players" aren't really interested in girls, really. They are just looking for their next conquest, it doesn't matter who she is. It's hard for these kind of guys to establish deep and healthy relationship with women, because they aren't looking for that in a relationship. Never expect love from a Player, because you are going to end up disappointing badly.

SOURCE: I've read a lot of PLAYER literature, and I kind of know the mindset and tricks of all that. I use some of that tricks with my long term girlfriend, not to manipulate her or anything, just to improve certain aspects or our relationship.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States +, writes (8 September 2017):

Code Warrior agony auntHe's a player. There's a reason for that: he has a talent for charming women into sex. You should be happy that you didn't have sex with him. There's nothing for you to learn from this experience because he's skilled and he's able to act like the real deal, so you can't really tell the difference, you really need to know a player by reputation to avoid getting burned. Even then, players can be hard to resist. Look what happened to you. You knew going in about his reputation and he still had you convinced that he had feelings for you, he's that good at it. Fortunately, your will was stronger than your desire. You should be proud of yourself for not giving in.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2017):

This is what players are famous for -winding you up to fever pitch and then dropping you!

It satisfies his ego and he is probably hoping that you will whine and pine until you are desparate for some sweet talk and then straight into the sack.

He will put you onto his list of conquests and play you off against other desparate women , occassionally making time for a quick shagaroo!

The mistake you made was in thinking you could tame a player by holding out on him sexually.

You see the player plays to win and his idea of win is to get his little black book stoked up with females who are wet between the legs and ready to please him.

You were right so be thankful if you can!

A little disdain doesnt hurt either.

Its only in films that players are conquered by inner beauty and gorgeously fuckable looks.

In real life the players wife becomes the bottom rung of his ladder to the top and he cheats on her constantly until she has enough and realises that a faithful man is less egocentric and potentially more exciting.

Players are by definition guys who are into themselves and chasing pussy.

They simply see it as the best way to live and juggling chicks is a lifetime choice and a form of contraception.

This is necessary because players are not good payers and never quite remember to pay necessary bills and so on because that would be boring and they would feel less exciting if they did something so ordinary and everyday.

Dont answer your phone if he is passsing through town because he will be looking for a bed for the night without paying for it and he would expect some first class service as well.

Your best revenge would be to forget him and be happy with someone else.

That is the ultimate blow to his ego especially if he didnt get to pump you.

He will be mentally super hyped up on you but get over you quickly because he will always have a second and third option available!

They catch diseases as well due to their sexually generous nature and require every form of sex known to man so that they can boast and discuss details with their supercool player mates.

A womans feelings is the least important thing in their life as they think they are cute or not cute.

Real women with real feelings and a desire for a decent partner are nothing but a tiresomly unshaggable nightmare to them.

They represent the mother, the madonna to them and it is an insult to their egos that any woman could have the cheek to consider themselves in an equal footing.

They usually consider they were born by immaculate conception !

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (8 September 2017):

You'll get past this. He is a known player. When you are forewarned that a woman or man is a player. Listen!

The stupid go deaf to wisdom; but they whine with regret later.

A player says all the right things, they know how to touch you; and they mesmerize you with their charms. That's how they treat every woman they want to have sex with. You're not special, you're just the flavor of the week.

You had better teach yourself not to fall in-love based on a physical-connection with a man. That is what a player feeds on. That's his objective. Get you hooked by using sex; and he will manipulate your feelings from that point.

Another thing you better learn. Don't use your workplace for your dating-pool. It stirs-up a lot of mess!

You create gossip and anarchy among your co-workers. If things don't workout, or you get played; then you can't stand his everlasting presence. There they are, all through your workweek! They could become your boss, or you have to work side-by-side! AWKWARD!!!

Not to mention seeing them move-on to their next romantic-conquest/interest; which to your dismay, might go very well! Then you're bitter, jealous, and scornful; and your mind is on everything but your job. I won't hesitate to fire people who disrupt my office with their work-place romance nonsense. I don't stand for it. It becomes "my business" when it interferes with office-moral, workflow/productivity; and creates liability, due to the risk of a sexual-harassment suit. Outside the office, and if it never becomes apparent...fine! Unfortunately, younger-employees rarely abide by the code of ethics and policy regarding this. So we have to have seminars and meetings on the topic!

We're there to do our jobs; and to earn money to pay our bills, to buy cool stuff, and to save for retirement. Not to pick-up dates and find booty-calls!

You know his reputation. Stop playing with fire! You're vulnerable to his charms, and you'll easily get infatuated after sex.

You didn't put-out; so now he's away working on the next woman.

You ducked a bullet, sweetheart!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 September 2017):

Honeypie agony aunt1. He could be busy.

2. He isn't as into you as you are into him.

He might be one of "those" guys who "love them and leave them" (more like have sex and move on to next "target".) so while he was charming and flirty and pursuing you WHILE he was there, he no longer wants to put in an effort as he can't GET what he wanted from you. (sex).

Honestly? Why waste time on this fella? Yes, I get it he charmed the pants off you, there was chemistry, etc. etc. BUT he is also in an another country and he was a coworker.

Romance in the work place so often ends badly. And then you still have to go to work and see them... awkward. At least for you... you don't have to see him again.

ACCEPT that the "romance" you build on your head was more fantasy than reality. While he MAY very well have liked you and enjoyed your company - he wasn't really looking for a relationship or anything serious. JUST a woman to have fun with - that is what you were. Fun to flirt with, to charm, to rub his ego...

Can I venture a guess that he is in sales? Or a job where he takes full advantage of his charms to gain his goals?

I would just STOP trying to contact him or make this happen.

My guess is IF he is coming to YOUR neck of the woods he will contact you in hopes you will drop everything for him.

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A female reader, missy_25 United States +, writes (8 September 2017):

If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, he may just be busy trying to get settled in and adjusted at this new place.

However, I think if a person truly cares about you that person will always make an effort. It may not be the same effort that you give but it's how sincere that effort he makes. Now it's up to you to decide what your worth is and if you deserve more than he is offering.

I think you reaching out to him first is a good enough signal to him how you mean to him. All you have to do is wait until he feels it's the right time to reach out to you. However, I wouldn't just sit and wait for him. I would work on keeping your own individuality and remember the things you love to do and keep doing it. You don't want to lose that even if a guy comes into your life. Time will reveal if your feelings for him will keep growing or if you realize for yourself that he is not the right one for you too. I am proud of your self-restraint around him, I think you are worth the wait. Any girl is.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (8 September 2017):

N91 agony auntSeems like you're right about his reputation.

Out of sight out of mind. Forget about him, if he wanted to contact you he would.

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