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How do I ask him 'what we are?' Where do you think our relationship stands?

Tagged as: Dating, Online dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 September 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 12 September 2017)
A female Canada age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I haven't dated before (own personal choice) so this is new to me. After lot of coaxing, I joined Tinder. I met a guy there and we exchanged numbers after two weeks of casual texting. He makes me laugh, actually cares, puts in effort to meet me, introduces me to his friends and cousins, makes me feel special, etc. We met up for a few 'dates' and all of them ended with just hugs. Recently, we ended up going clubbing with his friends. He got close to me while we danced and later when the two of us crashed at his place, we made out. He said he was willing to go as slow as I wanted because he really really likes me. It was actually kinda sweet. We've met twice after this on dates, followed by going back to his place to make out, no sex yet! He has, while talking to me, referred to all of our past meetings as 'dates', yet he has never openly asked me to be his girlfriend. The last time we were together, he introduced me to a random friend he met on the street as just his 'friend'. Now, his closest friends (who we went clubbing with) all know that he's really into me. I'm not sure of what else he's told them. We are meeting tonight for dinner and I'll probably stay over at his place. How do i ask him 'what we are?' Where do you think our relationship stands?

View related questions: clubbing, cousin, exchanged numbers, text

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (12 September 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntSounds like it is going well. However I would avoid asking him this if you have only been on a few dates, this might scare him a bit. I would wait a while longer and just show him that you are interested.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2017):

It is obvious to me that you are his girlfriend and he is your boyfriend. If you continue to crash or stay over at his place you will soon (if not tonight) be lovers. It seems to me that things are going pretty good for the two of you, so what are you worried about that you need to ask those questions?? I think it is still very early in your courtship and I think the questions would kinda put him on the spot – possibly imply you are not happy with the way things are going, possibly imply you are pressuring him for a commitment, and possibly imply that you want to go a lot faster to get to commitment.

I think you could respond to his statement that, “he was willing to go as slow as I wanted because he really really likes me”, by telling him that your have very much enjoyed your dates and being with him, and that you would like to continue going slow for a while yet (meaning not have sex) until you get to know each other better. I think his response to that will give you a very clear idea of how he feels and where he stands. Let us know tomorrow how it went.

In the meantime, go pick up and read a book called “A Fine Romance” by Judith Sills. Good Luck.

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico +, writes (8 September 2017):

How do i ask him 'what we are?'

WARNING: You need to be very careful with HOW you make that question, or you can drive him away. Get your facts straight, and analyze coldly any evidence or clues he has given to you. Don't be very aggressive, don't creep the sh*t out of him. Just ask him kindly and curiously this very important question.

Where do you think our relationship stands?

It's hard to tell. The kind of people you meet on Tinder are usually jerks or guys looking for one night stands. You need to ask him.

One girl that was just a classmate from school asked, out of the blue that question, and creeped me out, because I honestly wasn't making any advances with her. She somehow got the idea that I was into her, and she saw clues of that everywhere in her imagination. The truth was that I was just trying to help her out since we were in a programming class, and she didn't have a computer, so she was failing her exams, so I just let her use my computer, and help tutor her to learn programming. I would have done that for anyone, boy or girl, who needed help on my class. That's the way I am. But she took that help the wrong way.

What crept me out, was that she locked me into a class room, blocking my way out, shouting "WHAT ARE WE!!!???" . And I was like "OMG, I'M GOING TO DIE IN HERE." .

YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT WITH THIS GUY OR HE WILL CRAP HIS PANTS AND THINK YOU ARE BUNNY BOILER!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (8 September 2017):

I think just a few weeks of dating is way too soon to be considering a commitment.

First you form an understanding. Meaning, you agree to continue seeing each other exclusively. You may not see his true-colors for many weeks down the road. Let me introduce you to an out-dated term. The word is "courtship." It is the process of getting to know each other; and allowing your natural-chemistry to develop and take-hold. To see how much you feel is "lust;" and how much you feel is actually an emotional-connection forming. Making sure what is given, is also reciprocated.

Oh, that's so old-fashioned and outdated!!! Maybe! But stupidity never seems to go out of style. It's mostly stupid people who are bitter after a long series of failures. They don't listen, and they don't learn anything.

I won't waste good advice on fools and hard-heads. People who don't listen; because they insist they've got to have everything right-away. They can't wait to tag somebody "boyfriend or girlfriend." Based on a few "good dates." Then after rushing into it; then the bottom falls out. Men are then branded as dogs and excrement. Haste makes waste!

Take it slow and easy. If he cares for you, he isn't going anywhere. One good sign is, he told you he will take it as slow as you want to. One point for maturity!

You don't know his background, you have to see him through all his emotions. Ranging from joy to anger. Evaluate how he manages his temper and aggression. Test his maturity-level and trustworthiness. All this, and his degree of self-control are factors yet to be established. Know a guy before you hitch your horse to his wagon. A few fun dates, and some nice chat don't mean squat! The more dates you enjoy before commitment, the better you know each other.

For desperate dummies, it's a whirlwind romance. Then lets move-in together. "My biological-clock is ticking!" Now rush to the alter! By the same token, that same haste will also speed you to divorce and single-motherhood. Bide your time, and know the man!

I grow weary trying to educate women about this; but men know exactly what I mean. We are less likely to rush, because we value our freedom. It's not always fear of commitment. It's to whom you are committed. Is she a psycho under that sweet facade? Is he a dick, or a stalker? Is he Both?!!!

At any point you can ask him where things are going and how far he'd like to take it. I recommend you be point-blank; so you won't get strung along, or if he's just holding out for sex. Pace your feelings. You have more to learn about the kind of man he is.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (8 September 2017):

N91 agony auntThere's no other way than being upfront about it.

'Hey, I've really enjoyed the time we've spent together so far and would like to know in what direction we're heading'

Something along those lines should make him open up.

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