A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 38 and my wife is 41. We do not have sex anymore and have not for at least a decade. She says that sex with me grosses her out. She says that the idea of sex itself does not gross her out, and she fantasizes about sex with other men sometimes, but having sex with me disgusts her. It's not so much that she's disgusted by my appearance as it is that the sex act itself is awkward and makes her queasy. She will not get me off in any way and gets upset even if I masturbate around her. She won't kiss me or let me touch her in a sexual manner either. When we first started dating she could not keep her hands off of me. In fact, she kept pushing me for sex when I wasn't really emotionally ready for it with her. We would have sex at night and then again in the morning. We both enjoyed it and she was able to orgasm almost every time. However, within a year of that time she started turning me down frequently so that we only had sex once per month and then eventually it stopped completely.She now says that she was sexually abused as a child and that it seems creepy to her that I want to do gross things with her, but she never felt that way early in our relationship. She loved sex then. In fact, she was very sexually adventurous and experienced in the period before she met me. I would have never guessed that she would go off sex completely. I have read a lot of stories on the Internet written by women who feel this way. It seems more common than it should be. Maybe it's how some women are wired. However, I don't know what to do. Thinking it was me, I started working out and dressing better. When we first met she said she liked my style, but now if I wear something fashionable she insults me by saying: "Wow! That's a stylish and trendy outfit. I like it, but it doesn't suit you" as if she has this mental image of me a certain way which doesn't match her desires. Women compliment me all the time. Thinking maybe it was her own insecurity at gaining a little weight, I made sure that she was well-dressed, too, to feel good about herself. We spent two days shopping and I bought her a complete wardrobe of new clothes that flatter her figure and sexier shoes. I also bought her a lot of nice lingerie to boost her confidence and make her feel more sexy. She wears it and looks great in it, but to no effect on her libido. We go out for romantic dinners, on romantic vacations, and really enjoy each other's company but as soon as it is time to climb into bed she gets nervous that I might try to approach her, so I rarely even try anymore. The other night she fell asleep on the sofa in a sheer nightgown while I was in the other room. I went over and began to nuzzle her and cup her breasts in my hand through the fabric and she woke up shouting at me: "Move! Move! You are grossing me out!" before she ran away downstairs to sleep in the guest bedroom. She apologized the next day, but I cannot take this anymore.I feel it is related to her sexual abuse, but she says she doesn't think so because she and I had had such a good sex life back when. She says she loves me and I am her soulmate, but that she just can't have sex with me because I don't turn her on and she has no suggestions for what I can do that might turn her on. She just says it's awkward being with me, it is like sleeping with a brother, and gives her the creeps. She can get so drunk she won't know where she is or even remember anything the next day, but if I so much as try to kiss her she will freak out and say "Gross! Get away from me!" She says that I can use porn to satisfy my needs and that I place too much emphasis on sex. I bought her several books dealing with sexual aversion, intimacy and relationship issues, sex abuse, and so on but she hasn't read them. She admits that she's never so much as Googled for answers to explain why she feels the way she feels or how to change it, while I do it frequently. She says she wants to change, wants to feel sexual again, and wants that aspect of our relationship back, but I don't know how that is going to happen when she won't put any effort into it. I feel like if she was with a different person she would get that passion back, but probably only for a time. Once the novelty faded she would be back to how she is now. In fact, looking back at her past now I see a pattern where she was quick to sleep with a man, dumped him once he started to have feelings for her, and then proceeded to her next conquest. I feel like maybe I was a conquest that held on far too tightly or else that maybe she really did fall in love and our relationship is the first one in which she has had to have sex in the context of a loving relationship instead of just mindless sex. Sorry for so much of your time, but can this ever get better for us? We are both in very much pain over this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2011): "she was sexually abused as a child"Then all bets are off. You just have to get counseling, work hard, and maybe your marriage will improve, or you will get an amicable divorce, hopefully. Hard, hard, hard work. I've been there.The remarks are her way of keeping you distant, and she probably doesn't fully understand what she is doing. Really. Intimacy can be terribly hard after abuse, meaningless drunken or casual sex with a stranger however can be tolerated, even enjoyed, because it pushes away the images of the past and covers them with newer images that are less terrible because they are fresh in the mind. But, after being with someone for a while, sex is no longer meaningless and doesn't flood your emotions out, and you can't suppress the abuse memories. In fact, abused people often get into abusive relationships, you don't think about the past abuser when someone is abusing you, you think about the current abuser. But, get into a constructive intimate relationship, and the past abuse stands out front and center. Believe it or not, people who have been sexually abused often get into relationships with people who resemble physically their prior abuser.Books on sex and intimacy can actually bring back awful memories, so they will avoid them. I bought books as well, and my wife did as well, but it didn't help because of the hidden secrets of her abused past. Those books made her feel worse about herself.This is horribly complex. Reading will help you understand, but will not fix the problem. Here is a good resource.http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933Remember this, if you don't remember anything else, people who have been sexually abused are doing well to just survive and grow in strength.I was with my wife nearly 10 years till her affair, then nearly 10 more years before her confession, then things still didn't make sense (even the affair at the time and afterward and after she confessed just didn't make sense), till she began spilling the whole story of her life. Abuse f^^^^s you up dangerously, whether it is sexual/physical or emotional.My wife had been very troubled before her affair, thought I was going to leave her, and sex made her think about abuse, rape, incest, and other s^^t that she had done to her. Not a month went by that she didn't become more and more troubled herself, but she didn't tell me, didn't tell her doctor, and didn't tell anyone else either.The more I tried, the more I worked at making sex and intimacy better, the worse it got (but she couldn't tell me...she was afraid to tell it all).We were together nearly 20 years before she could tell me the whole story. She held back the worst till we'd been in counseling for 9 months (no, the worst wasn't the affair, it wasn't what anyone would even guess and even I had no clue and the counselor didn't either and when I heard it I became not only incredulous but angry and frustrated more than I'd been when I found out about the affair).Our lives are so different today, I'm glad I stayed. Hell, our sex lives are incredibly good now, and never better at any time in our relationship.But, I stayed because of all the great things about someone, not because I couldn't bear to leave.So, my story isn't ended, but you can possibly have a good outcome. Get professional help. Things may get worse. Suicide is a real risk. Make sure your partner gets regular help. Your wife may kill herself, don't take even the slightest hint or warning lightly, if you have firearms in the house then remove them (I had to take all mine out and put them in storage).
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2011): I don't know if it helps but I was in a marriage and same position as your wife - I had absolutely great relationship with my husband but sex I couldn't do anymore - I thought of everything possible, that I had become frigid, asexual, mental issues etc... went from shrinks to sexual therapists and nontraditional medicine. Finally pressure got me and I left just to discover my sexual problems were only towards him - I was again fine and as sexual as before... Me and him are still absolutely great friends just because none of us cheated and we let each other go in decent manner to be happy with someone else. I still to this day havent felt spark for him in that way. I don't know if my situation relates to yours at all but just another side of story here...
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A
male
reader, Dreamland  +, writes (26 August 2011):
What really stands out to me is the fact, as you stated, that she had a habit of sleeping with a man rather quick, only to dump them once the relationship began to escalate into something more serious. She deals with men on a superficial level; showing emotion and true intimacy (vulnerability) is a concept that is alien to her.Think about it.......she was all over you when you were dating, but as soon as you got married the novelty wore off and she perceives the relationship as a chore instead of something that needs to be nurtured. If you blow her off, she will become curious towards you again. Because you'll a challenge due to you being sexually desirable with other women. It's not sound advice but it's a fact.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (26 August 2011):
Do you have any idea how many other women there will be who will give anything to have a man who tries as hard as you? Seriously, you might have read about the women who don't have sex - but there are a lot more women who do!
Now, to be fair, your wife seems to have been through something in her past (abuse, you mention), and that was probably enough to put her off for life. But it's unrealistic of her to expect you to sit there twiddling your thumbs because she won't let you make love to her. You certainly didn't get married to her to subsequently live a life without sex.
And you didn't get married to then listen to her cruel remarks about you either.
I actually do agree with the other two posts. I think you should leave. I think you've tried over and over again to make this work, but it's now not working. It seems to me that you've become a thing of convenience for her, to have around. But it doesn't seem like there's anything else, and it doesn't seem like she's overly that bothered about how you feel.
I just don't think this woman is worth any more time. You've given it 10 years already. Don't give it another 10 years! Just leave her and find a woman who is into you, and who doesn't speak to cruelly to you.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (26 August 2011):
 I am so sorry you are going thru this. You have taken EVERY step but one. Counseling with someone who deals with sexual aversion. If she will not go with you, then you go yourself.
When you DO go yourself, let your wife know where and what you are going to discuss. Let her know that you will be making some decisions about your part in the marriage. She needs to know that you are serious about being the captain of your own ship. You are not placing too much emphasis on sex. MARRIED people have sex. COUPLES have sex.
Otherwise, you are just roommates.
Her comments to you are plain CRUEL in my opinion.
You did not get married to be celibate, and her lack of effort to even ATTEMPT a sexual existance with you is a form of abuse. A lack of affection is a slow death in a marriage and erodes self esteem.
In some states, this type of behavior is grounds for divorce, since is alienation of affection. If she really wanted to fix it;she would. If I were you, I would feel betrayed with this "bait and switch" excuses.
By the way, I have been there and I chose to end my marriage. It was painful, but I am MUCH happier being single now.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (26 August 2011):
 "It's not so much that she's disgusted by my appearance as it is that the sex act itself is awkward and makes her queasy."
That sounds like a lie to me, even in light of her previous abuse.
"She says she wants to change, wants to feel sexual again, and wants that aspect of our relationship back, but I don't know how that is going to happen when she won't put any effort into it."
Another lie. She wants sex, but your conclusion later on is probably correct, she has a hard time staying sexual with the same person for prolonged periods of time, and her desire to change that is not strong enough to be meaningful.
It's great that you went to all these efforts to help her, to romance her, to wine and dine her, and to buy her things, but that just isn't going to do it here. She's screwed up in the head, true, but the bigger issue is that women are far more attracted to personality than to appearances - specifically, to dominant, confident, ambitious personalities with a generous helping of assertiveness and self-regard. By putting up with a decade of celibacy, even out of your care and concern for her, you've shown yourself as a sexual doormat. She can't respect that.
Frankly, I'd leave her. Barring that, you need to lay down the law. Tell her this situation is intolerable to you, and that you are going to get her therapy (with an eye for results), that the two of you are going to start going to a gym together to try to reinvigorate yourselves. Tell her that you will continue to be patient and supporting as long as she puts 110% effort into helping herself get over her issues, but that you will not continue to tolerate the situation as it stands. If she does not make things work, you file for divorce and take everything (you can always give back some of it later, but court is not the place for that). Stand up for yourself and your needs, and find a woman who will appreciate you - and, if that woman can't be your current wife, don't fall into the same pattern again.
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