A
female
age
51-59,
*orriednsad
writes:My boyfrind of just over 2 years has just lent an ex-girlfriend £200 of our joint money. This was 6 weeks ago now and she hasn't paid a penny back. I reluctantly agreed to this because my boyfrind tells me's a good man and she is now just a friend and he would do the same for any other friend, and she would pay it back when she next got paid. In the beginning of our relationship she was a real issue to me as he had a sort of obsession over her even though they broke up a long while ago. It took a lot of work on my behalf to deal with my feelings of jealousy and I thought I had done well in compartmentalising these issues into a little box in the back of my brain. All of a sudden she is now all I can think about and it's tearing my mind apart. I don't think she has any intention of paying this money back (she can't afford it I don't think), so I need some advise on how I can push this to the back of my mind once again, and stop it being all I think about. It's driving me insane through no fault of my own. It's like she's never going away and I hate that I feel the way I do. Inadequate, insecure and just plain sad. Any advise?
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broke up, ex girlfriend, insecure, jealous, money Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): If it's your joint money then why don't you go after her yourself to get the money back? But just make sure that the only issue is the money she owes you, don't make it about "leave my guy alone!". Just stick to the financial transaction only. Inform her that if she still does not pay back, she will be hearing from your lawyer. as for your bf. Is he really the kind of guy who would lend literally ANY of his friends this much money?? if yes, then OK you should try to get your insecurity under control. But if you really don't see him lending just any of his friends this much money and somehow she's "special" in that way (does he owe her a debt from the past?) then I would be wary about his intentions with her, like if he's trying to win brownie points with her and if so, why.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): OP I won't go into too much detail about your overall issues but two things strike me here.
1. You're holding this all in and making yourself crazy, getting angry because he doesn't realize how badly this is making you feel but he's not a mind reader, so instead of letting this seething bitterness consume you. Talk to him.
2. Joint bank account means this is your money too. Get her number and give her a call. That's what I'd do. You both lent her the money, not him OP that's your shared money. So don't be pissy at him for not getting it back, give her a call and get it back yourself. And next time be more careful about who you lend money to. Just say no.
Grab her number out of his phone and have a polite conversation with her about how it's xmas soon and you'd like that money back ASAP, when can she give it to you. You'll take 100 now and 100 next week if it's easier.
OP never give a lend of money to a broke person if you want it back soon, you certainly never should have agreed to give her money if you hate her so damn much.
You also need to start putting rainy day money into your own account OP, you're only boyfriend/girlfriend and you've made some incredibly risky financial decisions with him. You need your own secure nest egg to give you some financial back up.
I share a house with my girlfriend and before I became wealthy we both put or names on the house and we have a joint household/fun account and our own personal accounts. We put a certain equal amount into the joint account, and keep the rest for ourselves. If extra needs to go into repairs or a new kitchen we'll discuss how to pay that. That hasn't changed at all even since I came into money, although she does now pay the bulk of the joint account because I bought the house outright in both our names. All my money is mine though and we don't share everything. We've even agreed to a prenup wherein she'll be given a set amount per year we're married if we ever decide to divorce and get to keep the house.
My point is OP, our money isn't tied to each other, she has a nice some saved and could easily move on tomorrow if we broke up. that kind of financial freedom makes being with a choice and also means she has greater power in the relationship to now tolerate any kind of crap.
You should really think about setting something similar up for yourself.
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A
female
reader, Staceily  +, writes (27 November 2012):
 He wants her to feel for him how he felt for her back then. She never seemed to love him, she basically threw him away and made him feel like trash. He obviously never got past it and still wants to 'win' her affections. She never really wanted him and it makes him feel lower than she is, like she is better and thus can do no wrong. I hope you can dump him as all of this is unforgiveable, you don't continue talking to an ex at all let alone fawning over them and lending them money. Start getting your things in order to get away from him. You can separate your accounts now and start getting your money going into your account only, save up to move out later. Then make plans with him on what to do with the house. You aren't stuck with him by any means, there is always a way out it just isnt always easy.
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A
female
reader, Worriednsad +, writes (27 November 2012):
Worriednsad is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advise.
I have thought about ending this because it's not the only problem. It's just we've bought a house together and have money tied up in that.
I have to deal with this issue though before I can make any permanent decision about how to move forward. It just makes me so angry that she put the question to him and he was too weak to say no.
They were only together for 9 months (in 2007). The first 6 months she was with another guy and my bf was the secret. When they were found out they only lasted another 3 months and she went off with someone else. She can't be trusted but in my BF's eyes she can do no wrong. It makes me so so mad.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 November 2012):
 "Sounds" to me like you and your "B/F" are not married... but are co-mingling your "household" income....
Do you understand just what a predicament you have enlisted in????
Frankly, I'd chalk up the 200-lbs to a lousy decision made by a less-than-honorable guy.... then, I'd dump his sorry bottom and let HIM (by himself!) help prop up this ex- in the future.... whilest you get on with your life with a REAL dependable NEW "boyfriend."
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 November 2012):
 Is there some reason you cannot tell him how upset and angry this makes you feel? "Honey, I feel really awful about this money we loaned to your ex. It upsets me because.... " then list your reasons.
"How can we fix this so we are not out this money? What suggestions do you have to have her pay us back in a timely manner?"
If she's destitute and has no money whatsoever, well, then she's in a very sad and awful place in her life. Maybe it doesn't feel good right now, but perhaps your loaning her some cash is the one thing that will keep her from going hungry, or losing her place to live. Maybe you can afford the money.
That doesn't mean you have to loan her more money, but you've done your one tiny bit to help someone in need.
If this is going to be an ongoing problem, maybe you need to consider getting separate accounts so you won't worry about how he's spending his spare cash.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 November 2012):
 We too have joint accounts for all funds...
You MUST tell your BF how you feel NOW. do not let it fester.
NEVER lend money you can't afford to give away as it often never comes back...
You have several options here after you tell him how angry you are and how upset you are.
1. you can both agree that the money is gone forever but that also means that her friendship is gone forever as she clearly can't be trusted.
2. you can both present her with a written pay back plan of X amount on HER payday. IF you make it something low enough, it will probably get done. Personally I would offer her two options.
1. HIGHER payback on payday with NO interest
2. LOWER payday payments WITH interest (to cover your losses of her not paying it back timely)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 November 2012):
 If she's a family member, then maybe she could be forgiven. She was using her ex's sympathy and since she is not going to pay him back, she is not a friend anymore. Your boyfriend is acting like a guarantor. When she fails to pay he has to pay. Next time you two are buying things he has to pay that $100 all on his own. That is the only way to be fair, because you can't trust that he won't lend her more money in the future. He can be his friend but he has to realize that this decision will affect your decision to be with him, not just sharing financially.
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A
female
reader, Worriednsad +, writes (27 November 2012):
Worriednsad is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for that. All our money goes into one account so it's all joint. He doesn't know how bad this has made me feel, and that also makes me angry.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 November 2012):
 Tell your BF to sit her down and make a pay-us-back plan.
YOU and your BF find a number you think is reasonable and then she needs to pay back £ each paycheck.
Though in all honesty.. I would have put my foot down and said no. If HE wanted to lend her HIS money, that would have been on him, but my money? Oh heck no!
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