A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Who pays for what in our two year relationship?Ok here is my dilemma and one that has really upset me to the point I am considering walking away because it has affected my respects for him. I am sure there will be many comments as I have googled this but advice on,y is forthcoming for the eatly weeks / months in a dating relationship...Rewind 2 1/2 years I started dating a man at work, started with coffee and this progressed over 6 months to dinner, concerts, evenings out.No sex but holding hands, kissing etc. then he dropped the bombshell that he was separated and divorcing his long term wife. I was in pieces, but he has a very good friendship with his wife and totally accepts her new partner etc. she lives in the matrimonial home with their 17 year old son who is still a student. I live with my two children, one is at university and one is a disabled 11 year old. I am solely responsible for them financially.His income is twice mine BUT we have always split 'dates' 50/50. He has his own home, but stays every weekend with me and I pay for all food etc.His divorce is going through at the moment and is always complaining he has no money. His wife and son live in the matrimonial home which is mortgage free, she works and he 'contributes' to the bills and other things, rightly so. However, this leaves him short, so I have paid for things for his new house and put in Long hours to help him set up his new home, simply because I love him and want him to be happy.However, coming to the present day...Every weekend away, he still insists 50/50, which I can no longer afford especially as it's too often and too much. I simply can't afford it. He doesn't buy food and things for my home and he still stays every weekend. He tells me he wants to keep his bills low, and my goodness he showed me his utility bills and I wish mine were like that! There are things I need for my home that I need to buy but as I have to pay 50/50 I have to go without and take money from other household budgets in order to date. I enjoy his company and I love him dearly. However, last night, he told me that he gives his wife half of his income every month as he feels 'guilty' that their marriage is over (there's no one to blame they both agreed that they wanted out, his wife more so) and this has upset me terribly, as I feel that his priorities are all wrong. At Christmas he bought me a cheap bracelet for Xmas, this was after he asked me what I would like and I told him I would like a charm bracelets, and what do you know, she text on Christmas night saying 'thank you for the charm bracelet he had bought her under the guise it was from his som, for Xmas'. I have just had a melt down over this. He has booked a weekend away and has asked me to pay. In the past, when I haven't had the money, he pays, and I have to pay back monthly, and this debt is rising. He tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. My friends have boyfriends who take them away as a treat, etc. I've never had that. Sure to pay something, but this is mean. Or am I missing the point here?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone who has replied to my question.Update: I spoke to him about it and told him how I felt. I added that all of my friends have partners who take them away WITHOUT expecting payment, and although I am willing to pay my way, it would just be nice every so often that he treat me. I told him that I felt a bit cheated and low on his list of priorities and felt like I was some kind of 'other woman' (this is not the case btw as we got together months after his separation and his soon to be ex wife has a permanent man in her life, and there's no issue with me or the new chap between either of them) He took on board everything I said, and said he felt that 'today's woman' liked to pay 50/50 and that he has been out of the dating game for twenty years so thought he was doing the right thing!So there we have it. Communication is key! I have added that I don't expect him to break the bank so sometimes I will pay 59/50 and sometimes say that no, I can't afford it and we should do things that cost little if anything. He said he felt awful me thinking the worst of him, and so we have agreed that anything else that I don't like or he doesn't that we will talk about it.So there we have it... If it was t for this site and everyone who put their replies, I think I would have walked away. As it is now, it's all going to be ok.Xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2015): I thought that whoever does the asking (for the date) is who does the paying. If he wants to go out & asks you to join, he pays. If you ask him, you pay.
Then each can plan the date according to what they are able to afford and like to do. It is ridiculous for you to *owe* him for dates he set up!
Can you guys make an agreement here to do something along those lines? No surprise trips expecting payment? (Tell him to cancel if you cannot afford that BTW.)
It also sounds like you may need to speak up and tell him you expect some help with bills if he is staying at your home all the time. At least for groceries and part of the utilities. Only fair since he is using these things too. Maybe he doesn't realize this is something that bothers you. If he does, maybe you don't let him stay there so much or eat your food.
Either way, you will have to bring up the uncomfortable topic, just do it kindly if you like him. Practice in the mirror so you don't get emotional and angry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone who has shared their thoughts on our situation. It has given me food for thought!However, re the matrimonial home, he is giving it all to her lock, stock and barrel as she has said its been her home too. It was his house before they married, but he feels a sense of guilt as I have already explained. His new house is mortgaged to the hilt, hence he has little money... That is left over from half his money!From what I gather, she isn't pushing for his money. In fact she just wants to move on, but he keeps saying if it doesn't work out with the new chap he will always be there for her )not in a romantic sense) but for her financially as he doesn't want her to 'suffer'! I just don't get why he has empathy for how her situation may be in the future but when at mine it's not so. I do feel that our relatiinship financially) is very one-way.Other than that, he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but he could never love with me as he likes his own space. The rest of our relationship is very equal and we have lots in common and it's still very fresh and we rarely if ever argue, so it's just a shame that I'm clearly not his priority, and neither was his wife when he was with her from what I gather, but she clearly is now!But I now know what I must do...Thank you again c
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (25 April 2015):
 I'm with Auntie Bim.
BE honest. TELL him to have a great week-end away that you CAN NOT afford it. That you ALREADY carry the COST of dating him.
Personally, I'd tell him straight up... that you can BARELY afford to date him.
It is HIS choice to give the ex-wife HALF his income. So HE has to figure out how to live on HALF a pay check, that should NOT be something YOU should finance.
You write:
**However, this leaves him short, so I have paid for things for his new house and put in Long hours to help him set up his new home**
NO, DO not PAY money so he can have his own place. Helping out with "manual labor" in painting, helping arrange furniture, decorating is fine, PAYING money so he can live there? NO. I wouldn't do that. YOU can show LOVE other ways than HAVING to pay out money you DO NOT have.
YOU are being punish financially for him having an ex-wife that he feels VERY financially obligated to. One thing is paying child maintenance, helping with cost FOR the CHILD another is to LET the wife continue on HER lifestyle and LETTING YOU pay in a way. THAT is not right.
I'm NOT saying that a man should pay everything, because he is a man. BUT for him to LIVE OF YOU every week-end and then expecting YOU to go 50/50 ALWAYS so HE can save money? Yeah, I would NOT be OK with this AT ALL.
YOU & YOUR kids are the ones that end up not being able to do thing or buy things BECAUSE HE wants to be entertained and YOU are paying for this.
He should NOT book a week-end away without KNOWING that you can pay for it or not. OR that HE can carry the whole cost. It was his FLIPPING idea.
Sorry, I think he is selfish and you are pretty low on his priority list.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 April 2015):
 You need to tell him you can't afford these weekends away. That if he wants to travel with you he'll have to pay for the entire trip, because you can't afford it. And if he eats food at your house, you need to start giving him the bills to make him pay for what he eats and uses at your house as well, if it's going to be 50/50. Otherwise it's just 50/50 when it's convenient for him, and more like 30/70 when you're the one left to pay the majority.
You are right, his priorities are wackadoodle. He gives his ex wife half his salary? In addition to alimony and child care? Or it might actually be that they just came to this decision on their own without the courts being involved, in which case he might not be paying much more than he would be obliged to anyway. You haven't gone over his financial situation and you don't know all the details, so it is very hard to say from your position. But I would assume, like you do, that he pays much more than he needs to because he feels guilty for some reason or other. Which is his choice, his money his choice. But I see very clearly how it makes you feel when he then chooses to spend extra money on her in addition to already giving her half his salary, and buying her gifts etc. Especially when you're given something cheap. It's inevitable that you feel comparison, and to feel like you are worth less.
So lets look at the facts. Monetary, you're "worth" less. He doesn't give you half of his salary, he doesn't buy you stuff, and he is very picky about splitting the costs in half.
Time-wise, you are worth more. He spends a lot of time with you, I can tell from your post. Every weekend you either go away together, or he's at your place.
He includes you, and you're involved on a deeper level in his life. You've helped him out with his place, and you also know a fair bit about his financial situation, which for most people is extremely private.
How does he treat you otherwise? If he treats you well and is kind to you, then I wouldn't jump to the assumption that he does this to be mean. It causes you to feel bad, but that is unintentionally.
If he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, that also says a lot. Have you talked to him about this, what he means? Does he mean he wants to marry you? In that case, what would happen to the finances, and would he continue giving so much money to his ex-wife? Does he have plans to sell the house he lived in with his ex-wife, or have her buy him out of it?
In short, I think what you should discuss with him, and this will be a TOUGH talk, is whether or not you and him can continue a relationship, and have your relationship develop into more than just a romance (Im thinking ahead here, moving together, or getting married). If he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, he needs to end his relationship with his ex-wife. They can be friends, surely, but as of the moment he still shared a lot with her that he should be sharing with YOU, if he wants you completely in his life and for you and him to share the rest of your lives together.
This means that he needs to sell the house his ex-wife lives in, or at least have her buy him out. Otherwise he can not get a new place with you. He can't afford it, clearly, as he points out so often himself. Money is an issue because he's still "married" financially to his ex wife. He needs to divorce her in that aspect as well, and not just physically be apart from her, and legally be divorced on paper. He needs to separate the finances as well. Having a joint house with his ex-wife is like having a joint bank-account with his ex wife. How can he move on to a new life with you, if he's not ready to cut the ties to his old life?
Surely, he can still support his son and pay what is mandatory in alimony, without also sharing a house with his ex-wife, and sharing half his pay-check with her as if they were still married.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answer auntie Bim Bim, I know what you've said is right, hence I am now questioning the whole situation. I told him this morning that he has his priorities all wrong, now I'm his partner he should occasionally treat me not have me pay 50/50. I am all for equality, hence I agreed to pay 50/50 but when he is telling her to use some of the money he gives her to 'save for a new car' when I'm struggling, yet I'm the one feeding, clothing, and providing utilities that I have to pay monthly it doesn't feel that I'm a priority in this.
I know your advice is correct, and I'm going to take action now...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2015): I had this problem with my ex. I had to spell it out to him. It is totally against my grain as I am a generous open hearted person.
I kept receipts. I bought food for dinner and breskfast and asked him for money for lunch. It was uncomfortable but my resentment made it easier especially with my food shopping bills escalating.
My bf said he was careful with money but my argument was why should I pay for all the food every week end.
If we went out we took it in turns to pay.
Not exactly romantic? It's not the money issue it's the principal.
It was part of the reason we broke up.
As the saying goes "Mean with money mean with love"
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (25 April 2015):
 Be honest with him, tell him you cant afford to go away with him, and tell him you cant afford to have him staying at your place, eating your food, using your hot water, and whatever else he does while he is there.
Your boyfriend is stingy and you have enabled that. Its time for you to take back some of the personal power you have given away, and to start expecting to be treated fairly.
If he cant see where you are coming from on this, you will either need to accept that you will always be lower on his list of priorities than he himself and his ex wife. If you can live like that then leave things as they are, if you cant then reconsider the whole relationship and its dynamics.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2015): why is the entire focus only on finances?Whatever financial position he (or you) are in, I believe is unethical to book something only one person likes/insists on and then expect the other to pay up.It's like you paying for concerts tickets for both of you, him not liking or being a particular fan of said band, but going because of you, then you turning around and saying,after the fact:"Oh, btw, you me 30 quid for that."Ummm,no. Even if he/you loved it, the decision was taken UNILATERALLY. If he takes that decision, he should be able to take on the consequences too-in this case, stumping up the bill.He decides to buy a house in a location HE likes, he should be able to cover the mortgage by himself, regardless of whether you like it too etc.IF he'd like you to contribute decisions should be taken TOGETHER and he should be able to understand "Umm,no,I can't afford that".In my eyes, you owe him zilch.
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