A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have recently got out a 3+ year affair with a married man I work with. We met when we both started at this company. We were both new to this city and with his family still based in his hometown, started hanging out a lot. He was the initiator of this affair- not saying I didn't play my part, but I did try to resist. Anyway, long story short- after his family moved here, I hung out with them a lot. Yes, I am awful person for doing this to his wife and child. I didn't expect, nor want anything from him but some care. He was mostly in it for sex. After repeated disappointments and absolute disregard for my wants and feelings, I ended this 'situation' with him. But I can't seem to stop crying. I am thankful I don't have to go around with this guilt and shame anymore, but I don't know why I feel so low. We never made any future plans, in fact, the days they fought, I tried to help him see his wife's PoV. I still reel when I see him holding little kids after I had to abort my baby 3 years ago. At eight years older than me, I looked at him to be a protective figure here, and I really did want to maintain our friendship. It's been a week and I am just want to stop crying.
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affair, I work with, married man Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2015): Like I see
I just want to comment on your answer. What a fantastic description. I can actually visualise this
This technique could be applied to anyone who meets an unavailable oartner
A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (26 April 2015):
 I'm sorry to hear that you are in such pain. You feel low because you have gone through a breakup. Circumstances aside, it is always painful to lose someone you once cared about, regardless of how they came to be in your life.
Take comfort in the fact that you have made the strong choice. By getting the pain over with now, you have given your future self an incredible gift - the gift of freedom to find true happiness in life.
When you began a relationship with this man you walked into a room without windows or doors, except the door you came in through. There was no way to move forward. There was no SPACE to move forward and progress through the milestones in life - engagement, marriage, children. There was only a blank wall blocking you from all of these things. You isolated yourself from all other possibilities, but there was no way for you to pursue fulfillment and happiness with the situation you had.
The only way out of this room was back through the door you came in. To move forward in life in any way you first had to turn around and exit this room that held nothing for you, and you have done that. Hold your head high knowing that the choice to leave was yours and you made it. You took control of your own destiny, and now the whole world is once again before you, the possibilities endless. You are once again free to find someone who can love and appreciate you with ALL of his heart and not a corner of it.
Take comfort in the fact that you will never feel worse about leaving him than you do right now - it only gets better from here. Each day forward will hurt a little less until the day that you can look back and feel nothing for this man, knowing that he was not worth your love in any way.
I hope this helps. Best wishes as you move forward with your life :)
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (25 April 2015):
 I know that you heart aches but I want to congratulate you on your strength in pulling away from that cheater because many women do not have any strength to do that. These cheating men are emotional crooks who have no regard to biological needs of women, who trivial use attachment women need and reduce it down to an orgasm. In essence, they reduce their mistresses to that 15 second utility. I think that if you view your relationship with him the way I described it it would be easier to detach from that past. You need not beat yourself morally over this because you fell for the sweet talker. If you can distance away from him and his family then it would help. You just have to let time take its course and get you through this. I've seen many women traumatized form engaging in a relationship with married men (and FWB) so I hope, after you move on, you earn others not to get tangled up with married men.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 April 2015):
 It will get better. And you find find some solace and strength in the fact that YOU are the one who walked away. Maybe not today or in a week or two, but it will happen.
My advice is to spend time with people you KNOW care about you, family and friends. If they don't know about the affair, then don't discuss it with them, just ENJOY their company. I know that can be hard if you feel like your world just feel apart. But sometimes distractions can help.
Go for a walk, go to the gym, pool and work some of the anger and disappointment out.
And at some point ACCEPT your PART of the affair. From what you write it seems like you put all the blame on him. But.. it takes two to tango.
Him being older doesn't mean he is wiser or a better person, I mean after all.. HE CHOSE to USE you for sex and company and then blame his wife for the cheating (right?). So in all honesty.. HOW mature a person is he really? If he HAD been a GOOD decent PROTECTIVE man... HE would NOT have pursued a sexual relationship with you.
Having an abortion was ULTIMATELY your choice. And NOT one that is easy for ANY woman. I would suggest you find someone to talk to about that loss - because IT IS a loss. Physically, emotionally, hormonal.. EVERY way you can think of it. You haven't processed that loss yet. And now you are hit with another loss.
Better late then never. YOU did the right thing. You were in a fantasy relationship with a guy who didn't really give a crap ABOUT you, and not much more for his wife.
KNOW that you CAN do better, and you DO deserve better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2015): I am very sorry you are going through this kind of pain. There is no worse pain in the world. I KNOW. And I am sending you some much needed hugs.I am involved in an affair with a married man and we have been together for two years. I am also much younger than he is. I have thought about leaving him many times, especially lately since it is becoming harder on my emotions the longer it continues. But I have not been strong enough to walk away like you did. Every time I voice my concerns or unleash my insecurities (and having insecurities is inevitable in this type of relationship), he reels me back in. He does anything and everything he can to keep me HAPPY. So I suppose I have not been disappointed enough, down in the depths enough to pull the trigger. Because he works so hard at keeping me.So, let me start by saying I commend your STRENGTH. You knew this situation was not working for you despite the fact that you LOVE him. And you do LOVE him. Otherwise, you would not be so heart broken. And how could you not love him sweetie after 3 whole years? But you put that love aside and realized that your love is not enough. Never will be enough. You can love him to the moon and back but that love must be reciprocated otherwise it becomes much too painful for you. You cannot continue to be in a one sided relationship. You will always want more and you will always be unhappy because he is not willing to give you more, a real, committed relationship. Eventually it wears you down. Knowing he is with his wife and child, living a full life, while you are on the sidelines waiting for him to throw you the crumbs of his time. And you start to resent him. It slowly eats away at you. You accept it for as long as you can because you love him. You want to believe in the dream. The fantasy. The fairy tale ending. But it comes crashing down eventually when you can no longer deceive yourself into believing in that fantasy anymore. There comes a time the sun sets in Paradise. In the beginning, you are euphoric. It is new and exciting and you are able to put your fears and apprehension aside largely in part due to the chemicals that go through your brain. They are chemicals similar to those that provide a high for drug addicts. So you are addicted to him. And he to you. And to the highs. Those chemicals eventually start to fade and once they fade, your brain calms and settles and starts to see reality for what it is. And then the constant questions, worries, insecurities, doubts. They all creep up and you unload them on him. Of course he does not want to hear them. He has a wife to nag him and to deal with real life issues. You are not that. You are a fantasy, his escape, where everything is supposed to be PERFECT. So once these real life problems seep into the fantasy, they start to destroy it. The man begins to think it is more trouble than its worth if you push him hard enough or give him ultimatums. The mistress feels it is not worth it for her because she has feelings and he just wants the sexual fulfilment. Even though he CAN care for her or even LOVE her, he still wants the sex side of the relationship and will never leave his marriage.I understand. You are living in a dream world. How can you not get sucked into a dream? Real life pales in comparison, doesn't it? We never want to wake up but once we do, facing certain realizations become very painful. Because you must decide if you can continue or if you need to bow out gracefully. The moments you have together are exciting, passionate, uninterrupted by real life. Your affair bubble has been sheltered from the outside world and you have done all you can to protect it. You feel like you have a real connection. And I am sure you did. I don't believe you can be with anyone for three years and be in it for just sex. Even if you are a MAN. I would have to think he does care about you. But he is not and never was planning to leave his wife. Married men have too much invested to walk away, especially if there are children involved. Many women enter these relationships thinking they can have some fun. And then be able to let go when it's time. Sure women can have fun. In the beginning. Until they fall in love. And this inevitably happens in almost all cases of long term affairs, perhaps even shorter ones, but certainly after 2-3 years. This is why we stay this long in the affair because we love him. In life come painful choices. Sometimes they are the best choice for us but that does not mean we will not suffer once we make that choice. At least in the short term. If you hang in there, it will get better. You need to go through the suffering to get over him. Be good to yourself. Be gentle. You have a broken heart which is the worst pain of all. At least you will be free of the pain and turmoil he caused you and will be able to move on with your life and eventually open your heart to a man who deserves it.My married man broke up with me three times in the first year and he kept coming back to me. I took him back each time. I was not strong. And here we are two years later. Our relationship is still going strong. But the tables are now turned. He is afraid of me walking away now. Not the other way around. For the most part I am happy but I am also sad. Happy because we have a strong friendship and connection and he brings me joy and makes me laugh and we have the most amazing sex ever but sad because he is not mine. Never will be mine. Because my time with him is always limited and I can't go out in public with him to movies and dinners. Most of my time is spent away from him and this can be very lonely. And I know there are other men out there for me but I am saving myself for a man who will never be mine. And because in the back of my mind I know this will end someday. And I am facing the same pain you are. I know logically I should be the one to walk away. Now. In fact I should have done it long ago to save myself from the unspeakable heartbreak I will encounter at the end. But I love him. And I am not strong like you are.Stay strong. The sun will shine again. You will stop crying. Maybe not today or tomorrow. But you will. And you will be HAPPY again. :)Remember all the reasons this will not work and if you think about it logically and not with your heart, you will see you made a wise decision. Tough choice but the right one. xoTake Care of yourself.
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