A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm probably going to get a lot of hate over this but this is why I'm writing, for help and advice. Around 19 months ago I had an affair with a guy 11 years younger than myself who was in a relationship with an extremely beautiful girl at the time. When I say extremely beautiful I mean your model looks, perfect body, miss world features. She's known around our town for how beautiful she is and you will often here people talking about 'did you see her the other day, she's so hot, blah blah'. I guess you could say I've always been a bit jealous of her and the attention she gets. Anyway I heard that her and her boyfriend of 5 years had hit a rough patch and that they had taken a break for 4 months but had recently got back together when I saw him out at a local bar. I decided to get talking to him and mentioned her to which he rolled his eyes and said 'it's still not working'. At first he wasn't budging and wouldn't flirt but the drunker we got the more things happened and we ended the night kissing and exchanging numbers. That turned into a full blown 6 week sexual affair before he called things off with me and said it was a mistake. He said the guilt he felt everytime he saw her showed him that he still has deep feelings for her and that he wanted to make it work. I then told her everything to try and break them up but it backfired. That day he hung the phone up on me after I told her about it all and he's never answered the phone to me or answered any of my texts since that occasion 19 months ago.I haven't even seen him around. I've visited his and hers Facebook pages numerous times over the last 19 months and they seem more in love than ever. I'm a hairdresser and they obviously haven't told many people if any about his affair as nobody knows- a friend of there's comes into my salon regularly and obviously doesn't know a thing. I plucked up the courage to ask her about them the other week and her response killed me, she said ' well after that blip they had they have now been more in love than ever, there one of those couples that make me sick to be around them for too long because there so loved up'. She proceeded to say that he's so sweet and is always surprising her with little sweet gestures and then finished it by saying she hoped that she would have a relationship just like there's one day. I don't know why it has bothered me so much but it's made me so angry. How does he get away with cheating and then get the perfect girl and relationship and I'm left looking like the big bad wolf. I've seen her once out in public and she just looked straight through me as if I was nothing before turning away. I hate her for having him and I hate him for getting away with it. I've been feeling so much anger towards her and I feel like I was to punish her. Which I know is wrong as she was the innocent one in this. How can I stop myself from thinking about them all the time? It was 19 months ago and they have clearly moved on so why can't I.
View related questions:
a break, affair, drunk, facebook, flirt, got back together, jealous, kissing, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (14 February 2016):
He got away with all of the because he has a very high sexual market value and most of the females he's with (you included) are willing to share him rather than be singularly with someone with a substantially lower value.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 February 2016):
 You're experiencing jealousy. You had him, now you don't, some other girl has him. But in your mind, he's yours. Girls can feel such entitlement sometimes, you always knew he wasn't yours and you were just something on the side. You show yourself so little respect, and now of course this is what you have to live with. So the lesson is: if you can't handle it, don't play the game. Don't sleep with someone else's boyfriend/husband if you can't stand seeing him carrying on without you. When agreeing to be someones side dish, or play second fiddle, you are ACCEPTING to always be number two, or just a side thought. If you're not pleased with that, then don't put yourself in that position...!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 February 2016):
 You've got good answers already, I just want to touch on a point that I don't understand : "You are left looking like the big bad wolf ". In the eyes of whom ?? You said nobody in town knows anything of this story.
You won't mean... in the eyes of the happy couple ?!
No hate, - just astonishment.
What did you expect from them, a round of applauses ? An offer of being best friends ? ... In which parallele universe do you think that would be possible ?...
Of course they can't stand your sight ! you tried to ruin their lives!
You seem specially displeased that the pretty girl "looked straight through you " when you met her in public. I'd say, thank your lucky stars ! Obviously she's got class and / or does not believe in making scenes in public- so you got away with being ignored. But other women in your position have been PHYSICALLY hurt.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2016): I agree with the other poster, it seems that you did this to make her feel bad, not because you really liked this man. The majority of your question is all about her, you barely say anything about him, nothing about being in love with him, nothing about how amazing he was.Everybody thinks she's beautiful but I bet now she feels extremely insecure about herself because her boyfriend cheated on her with somebody a lot older. I've been cheated on and my boyfriend at the time went with a woman who was about 10 years older than me it really dented my confidence for a very long time.You say that you have been made to be the big bad wolf but nobody else knows about this, you could be in the situation where everybody talks about you, but you are not. So this could have been so much worse.Seeing as you are a hairdresser I'm sure you are quite attractive and look after yourself. What would you feel like if a woman did this to you because I bet there are people out there who feel like you are more attractive than them.Bear in mind that even the most beautiful people in the world feel insecure about themselves, just because everybody else thinks she's gorgeous doesn't mean she always feels it. Life is more than just looks and you have no idea what is going on in her life, just because she's pretty it doesn't mean she has a fantastic life and you just made it more difficult. You feel anger towards them but you don't really seem to feel bad about it or sorry. It doesn't matter what happened to him, if you don't really care about her feelings why do you care about her thinking you are the big bad wolf?I think everybody makes mistakes but I don't know if you class this as a mistake but more of an insult to you in some way. If he was given hell for this or dumped would you really be bothered about any of it?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2016): I think 'Tottochan' was onto something. Your whole story seems more focused on the girl than it ever was on the guy you were trying to steal.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 February 2016):
 He made a mistake. He was in a vulnerable place. Things between him and her where not working and he decided to have sex with you to make himself feel better. The thing is he used you. but you also knew he wasn't single so you where both at fault. This girl knows that they where both going through a rough patch, but this has made them stronger. She has accepted you both had sex. But she is secure in herself to know that he loves her and wants her. Its great they both have trust in each other. Your jealous because you wanted what she had and you couldn't get it. The way for you to move forward is to block there pages so you can't keep looking them up and then go out and get on with your life. If you want a man, find one who is single.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2016): You know you are the only person getting hurt here, by yourself. Whatever happened, they seem to have made a go of their relationship. Maybe they do have a real connection beyond what you know. So accept that what happened was a 'blip' for them, so regard it as such for you too. It was a blip in your life and don't over think things, like her being particularly attractive which seems to bug you enormously. You know you need to move on, don't look back and don't let this eat you up. Living well is the best revenge.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tottochan  +, writes (11 February 2016):
Hi there,
I'm sorry, but from your post, it seems that your main focus all along was on *her* and not him.
You didn't pursue him because you found him attractive, or liked him, rather, because he was 'with' her (so to speak). It seems like all your actions have arisen from a deep-seated sense of jealousy toward this girl.
Forget about the guy. You wanted her to fall down from the 'infallible' position that all the people in the town have put her.
You must question yourself - why do you feel this way against her?
You might think that she is young, beautiful, has a seemingly perfect life, and everything is working out for her.
You want the same for yourself, don't you? But that means that there is some hole somewhere in what you're doing with your life.
Is it your job? Are you not happy there? Is it because someone jilted you in your life? How are your relationships with your family members?
Search for the reason that this bitterness has crept into you. Realise that you're the only one who stands to lose here. You're wasting your life energy on something that does not matter.
Think - tomorrow, if you were to die, is this what you wanted to do with your life? What are the dreams that you had for yourself that you let go of when you became an adult?
Finally, just remember. *Everyone* you know, however they seem, just want to be loved and cared for. Even the people that seem to have it all. She's just a young girl, and she's probably struggling with many things as well.
Give her a break. And you deserve one too.
You know, mostly, an idle mind is the devil's workshop. Decide what you want to achieve in your life. In your relationships, in your work, with regards to your health.
And start working toward it, bit by bit, every single day. You'll be much much happier when your focus is on fixedly on something which is positive.
Wishing you all the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (11 February 2016):
 Jealousy is a funny thing OP, it makes you do things that you never thought you were capable of doing or feeling...but you do still do it because you have no control over yourself.
Its normal to be jealous of someone who we think is better than us; its a deadly sin after all and something that we're all guilty of. All of us have felt jealous of someone else...its just that some people deal with it in a better way. The mistake that you made was that you took this other woman as your competitor. You wanted to sleep with her B/f only to prove a point to yourself...that he chooses you over her and wasn't the right way to satisfy your ego.
You must realize also that you have given this woman tremendous power over yourself. You have allowed her to rattle you to the extent that you hate her for no fault of hers other than the fact that she's beautiful. Let her be. Seriously, just let her be the way she is and don't let her bother you so much. Distract yourself when you see yourself thinking about him or her. It really shouldnt matter to you whether they're happy or not because its really none of your business.
Be glad that they didn't tell anyone about you because your reputation could have taken a big hit. You were clearly in the wrong and you don't want the word to spread. I think it's actually very mature of both of them to have handled their differences well and to not have tried to get back at you for coming between them.
Don't ever do something like this again just to feel good about yourself. You don't have to put someone else down just to look good yourself. Tell me rationally, can she help the way she looks? No, right? Have she ever hurt you in any way? No. But you have hurt her way more than you realize and your actions along with her boyfriend's cheating must have put her through hell. Any why? Just because she's pretty and popular?
OP you're just seeing your side of the story. Think of the hurt that you've caused to this girl. You're not the victim. *She* is. She's putting a brave face now because she wants to fight for the relationship but imagine how she feels? You think she's so gorgeous and straight out of a magazine...imagine how she feels when despite all this her boyfriend cheated on her with someone 11 years older? Put yourself in her shoes for a moment.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 February 2016):
 No real "hate" here - just a bit of "truth".
I think what happened to you is Karma giving you a not so rude wake up call.
What you did wasn't cool at all, it was petty, mean and destructive and just backfired MAJORLY.
He probably isn't "getting" away with anything with her, she knows what he did CAUSE YOU TOLD HER! But she has decided to forgive and move forward and he is "repaying" her faith in him and then by giving it his all.
You say you want to punish him, but it's REALLY her you are after. Which is really sad.
Like Auntie mystiquek said - TAKE some responsibility for your OWN actions - you can't control his or the outcome there off. Stop stalking them online and get yourself together. YOU are not the victim here. SHE is.
So you NEED to find a way to let it go. He didn't want you, he wanted her. THAT is life.YOU were a roll in the hay, she is the love of his life.
Doesn't mean you aren't good enough or pretty enough - just means you picked the wrong guy to try and share yourself with. Try someone single. Someone who has SOMETHING to offer other than some sex.
For goodness sake you had to get him DRUNK to even flirt with you! Don't you want a BIT more than that in life?
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (11 February 2016):
 I'm not going to hate on you but I think you are a little gullible if you don't realize that the "other woman" is always painted as the bad guy(girl). Its just always been that way. You plotted and schemed to take someone that wasn't yours. It backfired. Own up to it and learn from your mistakes. Don't go after a man that isn't single. Technically he was but obviously not in his true heart. I'm not saying he's a good guy but apparently he must have owned up to his mistake and his girlfriend loved him enough to forgive, possibly forget and definitely to move on.
My best friend had an affair with a married man for 7 years (I know this man wasn't married but same principle applies). She thought for sure he was going to leave her...the whole town knew about the affair, so did his wife. Even when my friend accidentally got pregnant (he paid for an abortion), he wouldn't leave his wife. He NEVER did.
Find yourself a man who is available, put this behind you. LEARN FROM IT and stop trying to play miss innocent. You werent. You wanted him and you tried to get him. Didn't work. The other woman hardly ever wins...and I do mean hardly ever. Don't be the other woman again. It will save you alot of heartache and long lonely nights.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 February 2016):
 You need to realize you can't control the outcome of things outside of yourself. Throughout the 19 months you've been waiting for things to go down south with them, but it didn't. They moved on because she decides to forgive him. You both cheated but the difference between you and him is that your desire to cheat and to break up a relationship came from a place of vindictiveness and jealousy, while for him it was a moment of weakness and not knowing whether his relationship would continue. It's possible that cheaters feel remorse and they genuinely wanted to make amends. If he didn't feel sorry, their relationship wouldn't have continued for 19 months. If she's having a "grudge relationship" just to piss you off, it wouldn't have lasted that long either. The ones who suffer karma from cheating are those who blame the cheating on the other, or make light of the situation and say things like "all men cheat." It sounded like he totally took up responsibility for his actions and became a changed man.
You are the one who are not getting away from the cheating. To move on, you need to have a deep understanding of why you did what you did, and to promise yourself you wouldn't go near a taken man again, or men who are not totally single.
...............................
|
