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How do I win him back and feel better? My Mom and My Aunt don't like him

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Friends, Health, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 May 2015) 13 Answers - (Newest, 1 June 2015)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I fell for this guy; I'm 23 and he's nearly 30.

He seems to like me and he's also sexually attracted to me. However, I haven't been able to date him as I was trying to finish off my degree at the time.

This is still an on-going problem as I'm studying for professional qualifications which require lots of studying and research.

This has led to a lot of cancelled dates and immense anger from his side.

My mom and my aunt are really possessive of me, so they try to restrict me from seeing him as much as possible.

Both of us wanted to start a relationship and get married; he does like me.

He's been through lots of relationships (both serious and non-serious) and his last relationship ended 5 years ago.

My aunt and my mom thoroughly disapprove of him; they say he doesn't care about me since he wants me to go to his apartment and visit him all the time.

My mom thinks that he only wants to use me for sex. He has said that he would like to visit my place some time; once when I invited him over, he cancelled on me.

He tells me that I'm attractive but at the same time he puts me down now. He tells me that I'm too fat and that I really need to lose some weight (even though I'm not really overweight).

There have been arguments since our dates have been cancelled and he has pelted me with lots of insults.

Just recently, my friend insulted him using my phone since she thought he was insulting me (he was joking around).

He got really mad and called me horrible names. A few days later, he expressed his contempt for me when I changed my profile picture on Whatsapp (and I didn't even speak to him first!).

I apologised to him and told him what had actually happened to restore peace and understanding in our relationship.

He just looked at my explanation on Whatsapp and never responded. I'm feeling sad because I'm afraid he'll never want to rectify the situation. I'm in tears because I don't want him to hate me forever. I still really like him and I just wanted me and him to have a happy and beautiful relationship.

On top of that, there's some other girl who really fancies him (according to him) and she lives two hours away from our town.

She designed a logo of his initials and he's made that his Whatsapp profile picture.

I found out about her when I told him I liked his profile picture. She makes me feel really insecure and uneasy, even though he has previously told me that he isn't a player.

Once I caught him talking to her when I visited him (prior to our fight), and he hid his phone away from me to hide his messages from her. I thought they were having an affair so I decided to move on from him.

I feel really sad because it just seems like she's winning him over and I can't do anything about it.

I'm really scared because I'm afraid that he'll just abuse me forever and he'll put her on a pedestal and treat her like a goddess and love her more than me.

I've even gotten into comparing myself to the other girl. The same friend (who insulted him) completely demoralised me by implying that the other girl is so much more prettier than me.

After trying to move on from him (before the fight), he came back asking me to go on a date with him. It never happened as he cancelled it since he got busy with work; his company was being taken over by another company.

He still initiates conversations with me, every now and then, and he also still expresses his desire for me. He wants me to initiate conversations with him too; sometimes when I try to, he doesn't bother to respond. I'm really upset because I'm afraid that he decided to move on to the other girl because of our endless fights/arguments.

I feel so shattered, agonised, heartbroken and upset over the whole situation.

Sometimes, the whole situation brings me down and it affects my work a lot. I'm literally in tears and I just want everything to be resolved between us. How do I win him back and feel better?

View related questions: affair, heartbroken, insecure, move on, my ex, overweight, player, puts me down

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A female reader, maverick494 United States + , writes (1 June 2015):

Thank goodness you're dumping him. You're dodging a bullet by doing so. Like the others said, you deserve so much better.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2015):

maybe apologize?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all so much for the advice! It is really helpful and I am truly grateful for all of your answers :). I'm going to do myself a favor and ditch his sleazy ass so that I can be truly happy and free. He's horrible and I deserve better!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2015):

I didn't read all of the replies here but what WiseOwl and AlexaT wrote really stood out for me. They totally nailed it.

You could be talking about me. You are being abused, I really feel for you and so glad that you came here for help. I strongly advise you to take everyone's advice here.

First of all, there is NOTHING wrong with you, ok? The problem is HIM. I don't know if you wrote the title for your post, but if you did, winning him back is not something you should be focusing on. He is a very nasty piece of work and probably has major personality issues. He is most definitely narcissistic and knows exactly how to "play" a woman, throwing you crumbs of approval and signs he wants you sometimes, and then insulting and provoking you to make you feel worthless, pitting your feelings for him and your self-esteem against another (possibly non-existent) woman. He consistently lets you down and reneges on all his promises and arrangements.

Believe me I have been there. I went through a very similar "relationsh*t" with a guy years ago when I was a lot younger, and ironically, before the days of Google and internet for all, I woke up to the fact he was a nasty good for nothing and left him very quickly. It wasn't until much later in my life, as I approached 50, that I found myself involved with another one of these "types" again, only this time I wasn't quite so fast to catch on about what was been done to me, I guess I was so busy with my career and other stuff going on in my life, that I brushed a lot of the stuff under the carpet.

This particular guy, who I unceremoniously ditched over 2 years ago, started out being very complimentary, but every now and then, he would throw in a dig, literally out of nowhere. We could be having a perfectly nice time and it was almost as if he had to ruin it. Out of nowhere, he would find fault with my body, tell me my hair needed styling, it was too long and lank (the night before he loved it), tell me my blackheads were obvious and the day before had "loved my wonderful skin", my breasts were too big and heavy, my butt was too big, I needed to exercise, I needed to have surgery on my veins... you get the picture. Because I "loved" him (translates as sought his approval), I would cry, get upset, my work would suffer, I would hate how I looked, I would diet, change my hair, buy breast enhancement pills, new underwear. I became depressed and at one point felt suicidal.

Thank God for Google. I started googling all sorts of stuff in an attempt to understand why I felt so bad. I thought I was the problem. Imagine that. A professional, atrractive and intelligent woman in her late forties taking all that crap talk and blaming herself, looking online to find ways to make herself look and feel better!

He consistently found ways to undermine me. I put the shopping in the fridge wrong way, I shouldn't have asked a question, I was talking too much, I was too quiet, I was boring. He also consistently admired other women and said how attractive they were. He rarely complimented me and when he did, it was to get something, mainly cash.

I'd say whoever it was that replied here about him being after something is right. Not only are your upset responses and attention a massive stroke for his huge abuser ego, he no doubt also knows you will get a good job at some point and then if he has you hanging, he will have access to your cash. I lost count of the number of times my ex "borrowed" money and I never saw it again.

Believe me, men like this sniff out some vulnerability in us and hone in on it, play it and play us until they have us right where they want us. Think of them as vampires.

2 years down the line the vampire I ditched is STILL trying to keep me on a string. Now I just laugh. I have since dated someone else, who knows where that will go, but at least he isn't an abuser. He's a normal, kind and generous man.

Don't waste a minute more of your time.

It's also a huge red flag that this person has been through many relationships. My ex had been married three times. Note the signs. Google emotional abuse, verbal abuse, narcissism. The web is full of resources on how to heal.

Listen to your family. My Mum had my ex sussed out instantly. They KNOW what this man is. They want the best for you. This man is the worst for you.

One last thing. It's a statistical fact that many verbal and emotional abusers go on to be physical abusers, hitting, hurting, slapping and some even killing their partners. Don't become a statistic.

Tell him it is over. Block all contact. Change your number/block his. Be good to yourself. Be your OWN approval. Every day, look in the mirror and tell yourself how great you are. Get your self-esteem so high again that you will never settle for anyone insulting you. A woman or man who respects and loves themselves never would.

Please come back and let everyone know you are ok.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2015):

". . . he has previously told me that he isn't a player."

Which means he IS a player. Guys who aren't players don't tell women they aren't players, they treat women with dignity and respect. Don't believe what he SAYS, believe what he DOES.

And perhaps your mother and aunt are so possessive because they don't want you to make the same mistakes they may have made as young women.

You're letting your ego and vanity override your good judgement and common sense. Even though he's a lowlife scumbag you can't stand the thought that he would choose another woman over you because you're better than her. He knows that and he's taking advantage to manipulate you into bending to his will.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (29 May 2015):

CindyCares agony aunt Do you HAVE to win him back ? Like, by doctor's orders ? To save your life ?....

Otherwise I can't see any reason for tryng anything so foolish as " winning " him back. He is no prize. In fact he sounds horrible, and you should have at least that little bit of self respect enough to let you see that Mom and Aunt aren't being roo possessive toward you- they are just being RIGHT.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 May 2015):

Honeypie agony auntHe sounds like a TOTAL ASS!

You changed your profile picture, BIG DEAL! and he blew a gasket? And YOU feel bad? Are you serious?

Then he pulls the "you should be grateful for my attentions", because look SO many girls want me.

And you feel for that too! You actually think that this is some kind of competition with him as the prize?! This isn't about what girl is BEST! It's about a guy who PLAYS on girl's insecurities. LIKE you now think you have to "up your game" to "win" him back. You don't, because he is NOT some great prize, he is an absolute DUD. A loser. A guy who go after YOUNG, NAIVE and inexperienced girls so HE can feel like he is the smart one with ALL the knowledge and thus all the control.

The BEST thing you can DO, for yourself AND your future... IS to block/delete/remove this guy from your life.

Don't be so naive that you actually thin he could become this GREAT man, he is NOT the guy you want him to be. He makes promises,but doesn't keep them (like planning dates, and cancelling on you).

WALK away. FOCUS on your school and education.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2015):

There's a reason why this man has been in so many relationships--he's a liar and a manipulator.

It's highly likely that he's a narcissist. What's more, he's abusive and utilizing various methods in which to control you, including harming your self-esteem with insults and using this "other woman" to incite your jealousy. He sees you as young and gullible, and he's purposely hurting you and causing you mental torment. It's part of the mental game he's playing to rope you in.

Always be suspicious of a man who puts down your looks, calls you names, and wants to control you. Those are huge red flags to run as fast as you can.

Yes, he's using you for sex, and, perhaps, more. He knows your education may lead to a good-paying job soon. Depending on his own level of wealth, that's either a boon or a threat.

If you remain in a relationship with him, things will only get worse. You're seeing the best of him now. Once he has you under his thumb, he will become even more controlling and abusive. And very soon, he'll likely want you to cut off all relations with your family and friends. He'll probably start checking the mileage on your car and accusing you of all sorts of things.

Let the other woman have him. In fact, provided that she's even real, (yes, she could very well be a fake profile that he created to make you jealous) it's likely that he has had a relationship with her all along. This is not the kind of man who would stick with one woman. I guarantee it.

If you confront him about any of this and tell him that you want him out of your life, he will apologize profusely. Don't buy it. For a short while, he'll be on his best behavior and sweep you off your feet all over again, but it won't last.

I'm somewhat of an expert. I have a narcissist brother who is just like this man, and he has broken so many hearts through the years. I've seen all of the dirty games he plays.

I'm sorry. I know this all must be very painful, and your head and your heart are at odds, but getting this man out of your life would be the best thing that you could possibly do for yourself.

If in doubt, watch the movie, All Good Things, which is based on the life of killer, Robert Durst.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 May 2015):

Your mother and aunt see the man for what and who he is.

You, on the other hand, need his validation. You would even go as far as to allow him to mistreat you, and abuse you as long as he chooses you over the other female.

I want you to stop, and read your post back to yourself.

I can tell that at the time the post was written; you were really emotional and really pouring your heart out. You didn't really pay much attention to the horrible things you described he does; somehow you feel he is justified, because you cancelled dates on him. If you paid close attention to your own written-words; you'd see the many reasons your mother and aunt don't like this guy. Nor do I!

What gives me some hope, is that you wrote this post; because somewhere deep down you know they're right about him, and you're caught-up in his spell. He says things to you that reaches deep inside you and touches a sore-nerve; yet you feel you have to prove something to him. He is a narcissistic brute; who plays with the emotions of frail women; and you're becoming one of his victims. He's playing with your head. You're emotionally raw for some reason; maybe he is wearing you down, or your exhausted by your studies. Perhaps a combination of all of the above.

Here's his game-plan. He knows one way to get at a women is to break-down her self-esteem. Then, bring another woman into the picture for her to compete with. Pretend there's a secret between them. It will drive you nuts! Do you see the plot? Then, he makes a date and cancels it. You'll wonder why and who he's with? More games to freak you out. To frazzle your poor over-worked mind!

It's not really you he wants; he wants to prove to your mother and aunt that he has control over you. They know you're stronger than you're behaving; but your ego is threatened by the other woman. You're threatened that he finds her more desirable than you are. That's exactly what he wants you to feel. That is absolutely evil. The man is a bastard! You're acting like a fool, and you know better than that. Girlfriend, get a grip!!!

You and I both know your mother has taught you better than that! You come from better stock, and those two strong women are standing up for you. They know you're being controlled by your heart and hormones; not using your common-sense. Don't feel bad, we've all been there and done that. So have they.

You're young and inexperienced; but learning! Thank God there are two good women behind you, to catch you when you fall!!! He will keep you until he completely drains you, and has worn you down to nothing; then he'll dump you. He'll say it's your fault, or blame your mother and aunt. If he has his way, you'll be a mess by then. I just don't see your mom backing-down to let that happen!

So stop thinking with your vagina, will you! Sweet-talk is total bullsh*t; and you're letting him play you like that. You're an intelligent educated woman. Try to get control over your daddy-issues. He's preying on them.

He's breaking you down, little by little. You mention nothing of your father in your post. Was he absent from your life, did he die recently; or when you were younger? Somehow I see something that says you need a father-figure; and this guy knows your weaknesses. That's what narcissists do. Read up on narcissism. I bet my BMW to a donut; this guy even looks something like your dad. At least, he reminds you of him.

Your education is what you should be concentrating on. No matter what you do for him; he will continue breaking you down. He doesn't care for you as he says he does. He gets his kicks playing with love-struck young females; and your post is screaming that you have no will of your own as far as he's concerned. You need this guy's approval so bad, you are willing to shame yourself to get it.

Now after reading your post to yourself, comeback and read mine a second-time. You'll start to put two and two together; and you'll get so pissed-off you'll be strong enough to shake his spell. It will take some time, but I wrote this post to plant a seed. You're a smart woman, and you wrote your post; because you're dealing with something over your head. Now you've got some ammunition.

Re-read the comments made by SensitiveBloke and Eyeswideopen. In order to absorb and get the point, you have to study the contents of our advice and look at it through your logical-mind, not your emotions. He uses your emotions against you. Now, let your logical-mind override your emotional-mind; and you'll make more sense of all of this. You'll understand your mother and aunt are absolutely correct about that assh*le! At the moment, you're riding on cold-nine; and thinks he's all that, and a bag of chips.

He's a bag of cow-manure; and you deserve a lot better than that.

He yells at you and insults you. He treats you like he's your "angered father;" then he degrades you like something to wipe his feet on. He builds you up by telling you you're attractive and how much he cares for you. Then he breaks you down, by using gut-ripping verbal-abuse. You must have confided a lot about yourself to this guy, and he knows how to get to you. He's a master-manipulator. You're not stupid by any means, just fascinated or intrigued by his power. So shake it off!

Let him have that other woman. You are playing with the devil here, my dear. That man is not going to treat you well, and the more feelings he can pull out of you; the more he will tear you down. Please, please, please...listen to our advice here; and to your mother and her sister. These women see through this man. They know his soul! You're not in-love with him like you think. He knows you crave his approval and validation; and he is preying on a weakness he found in you. You need some rest, not him!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2015):

Hi

Please listen....YOU do not want to win him back !!!!

Say this to yourself a million times a day. His behaviour is calculated to make you feel bad. You will NEVER feel better while you are with this man. He only wants you to feel bad. He is doing this to you on purpose:

1. His insults

2. Him making you feel insecure about another woman

3. Him saying he wants you to initiate conversation and then not responding.

He is hurting you and bringing you lots of unhappiness on purpose. When you've had enough and try to leave he reels you back in.

He is classically abusive and abusive men work by destroying your confidence, your happiness etc etc to make you more dependent on them.

They actually want to keep you and this is their way of doing it. By making you the most miserable you could possibly be. Your Mum and your Auntie can see him for what he is as they have more life experience and understand about this kind of behaviour. Abuse towards women is rife. I have experienced it, as did my mother, my sister, my best friends, neighbours etc. Only two women that I have spoken to about this subject didn't know what I was talking about. It is an attitude they have that women are like pets, they will love you and take care of you as long as you do everything they want, you behave as they want etc etc (this often include double standards) and they get this compliance from you by making very happy at times so that you want to get together again, even though he has behaved horribly towards you. They become like a drug. I have experienced all that you have described.

Please read 'Why Does He Do That' by Professor Lundy Bancroft which will explain all of your boyfriend's behaviour. It is so enlightening and empowering to finally understand that he does not want to understand or to work anything out, he just wants to control, intimidate and undermine you. Meanwhile your studies that you have put so much time into are going to pot. Read the book as fast as you can and educate yourself about him and others like him and then carry on with your studies. I hasten to add that there are so many lovely, wonderful men out there who want to and will make you feel better.

Good Luck!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2015):

Perhaps, your aunt and mother can see this Guy for what he is. Love is blind and you are not seeing what a controlling and hurtful man he is.

He cancelled coming over to yours? Bad move. If a guy is serious about you he will be willing to get to know your family, if he actually wanted to marry you he'd be doing a better job at proving to your family he does care and wouldn't be calling you fat. You can do better.

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A male reader, SensitiveBloke United Kingdom +, writes (29 May 2015):

SensitiveBloke agony auntFrom your description, he doesn't sound like a nice person at all. Immature, controlling, selfish ... It seems your mum and aunt also think this.

There are so many decent people out there who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Do yourself a favour and end this toxic relationship now.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (29 May 2015):

eyeswideopen agony auntSorry but I'm with your Mom and Aunt on this one. It must be so very difficult for them to see you get hurt repeatedly by this major asshole. The fact that you still go back for more and actually want a relationship with him must also be very distressing for anyone who loves you and wants the best for you. Are you one of those people that always has to learn life's lessons the hard way?

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