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Is our relationship over? What should I do?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Faded love, Health, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 May 2015) 7 Answers - (Newest, 30 May 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I have been married for 15 years and with my hubby for 20years but he just doesn't do anything in our relationship anymore.

we don't have sex unless it is a quick handjob (sorry for been rude) he doesn't take me anywhere he doesn't spend time with me, all he is interested in is weed, I do love him but I feel like I am trapped.

I want to enjoy life and go places, I feel so sad when all my friends get treated and go places and I don't. what should I do?

View related questions: hand-job, trapped

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (30 May 2015):

Code Warrior agony auntIt's only been 1 day since your original post. How do you go from asking what to do, to leaving him in the span of 1 day? I understand that you've been dealing with this for some time and have built up some animosity, but I'm not sure how moving out will help your life improve.

I don't know what your financial situation is, but I do know that, between the two of you, you're not going to make any more money apart than you will together, it'll be exactly the same amount, and now you're adding a whole other house to your collective expenses. That doesn't add up to extra spending money to do the things you envy with regard to your friends. It adds up to financial misery.

I understand that you're upset about whatever happened between you two last night, and maybe giving him back his ring sent a message, but now its put you on a path that can easily lead to an even worse position for you if you aren't careful. It would be prudent to calm down and prepare yourself financially before you take such a drastic step one day after you ask for advice.

The whole point of dropping your grievances and taking your time is to make conversation possible by changing the dynamic. Taking it slow also allows you to prepare financially if you need to exercise the nuclear option. All you've managed to do is cut the lines of communication and put yourself at risk financially.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I have tried to understand and see things through his eyes but it doesn't make any difference, I am sick of his actions.

so I had enough last night and gave him the wedding ring back, I have made my mind up and decide I have no choice but to move out with my daughter.

I have tried everything and all he says is shut up nagging so today I am going to see about another house and do things for me for a change, if he is bothered then he might change but I don't think that he will.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (30 May 2015):

Code Warrior agony auntIf you've already talked with him and he's broken promises, then you're going to have to prepare yourself to end the relationship. Addiction is a very difficult thing to overcome and up to this point there haven't been consequences serious enough to convince him.

The thing is, you can't make idle threats. You have to be prepared to follow through on them. Ultimately, you may need to divorce him. Let's hope it doesn't get to that.

First and foremost, you have to give up your minor grievances. You can't use what other people are doing against him. You have to come at this from a caring perspective. Don't tell him you're not happy. What you need to do is talk to substance abuse counselors and learn from them. They can advise you better on how to approach the conversation than anyone here. It's not going to be easy.

I would start there.

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A male reader, Crazysecret Canada +, writes (29 May 2015):

Crazysecret agony auntIt appears as though he has gotten pretty comfortable in the marriage and doesn't feel the need to satisfy your needs let alone go out of his way to make you happy. This does not necessarily mean that he does not love you. It only means that that the fiery flaming passion in your relationship might have withered somewhat.

I think you should sit your husband down and have a serious talk with him. Do whatever it is you need to do to make him understand that this isn't just some talk but rather a very important problem in the relationship that is making you unhappy. P.S. Make sure he isn't high when you do this. Which btw could very well be the cause of his laziness.

Also, relationships are not all take and no give. If you want your husband to do nice things for you, then you might want to consider doing some nice things yourself. Same goes for him; stop giving him handjobs if what you want is sex.

By giving him handjobs you are indulging his selfish desires that bring no satisfaction to you. Try to instigate things in bed by going on top during sex and suggest that sometimes he be on top.

On a slightly unrelated note, try not to measure your relationships worth by comparing it to the relationship of your friends. That is like looking at models in magazines and then getting depressed about your own body. If your lack of happiness stems from envy of other people's happiness then you will not find genuine happiness in your relationship.

Best of luck to you!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2015):

What's to talk about, he loves getting high and ignores you, what's to love about him? I would put him to the curb and find the man that will love you and spend time with you, don't waste time thinking about it. You know what you want then you have to do something about it

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Yeah he says he will change but he never does, I think I only stay with him for my daughter but I think it is going to get to the point where I walk out or throw him out.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (29 May 2015):

Code Warrior agony auntHave you talked to your husband about any of this?

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