A
male
age
,
*epi
writes:I'm going thru a bit of an emotional rolleroaster at the moment, my girlfriend of six months has just flown off to vegas to see her ex, she needs to find out if she still has feelings or if he will now commit to her in a way that she wants (marriage, security etc)We have been together for over six months, there is a 24 year age gap I am 48 she is 24, (but, this is not the problem) and in the time we have been together have gone thru some terrible situations.From meeting (our first date lasted over 6 hrs) we have been together every day (with only one or two exceptions) and quickly moved to a situation where we were living together 24/7, this just seemed so natural as we have so many things in common (we even share the same birthday).I am english living in Latvia, she is Russian/Latvian and so has a fiery countenance - again no problem I prefer someone who can and will stand up for themselves. Despite her age, she is extremely happy in the role of homemaker (her decision, not mine) and wants nothing more that to treat me as 'her king' (her words) It sounds the ideal relationship, however, we are now going thru an emotional crisis (for me) and I am losing focus on how to deal with it.In the short time we have been together I have had to be her 'rock', the first time was her brother being killed in a horrific accident - she was alone, her mother who cannot deal with the day to day issues of life was in Italy with family and I had to help her go thru all the trauma and official drama that goes with bereavement - identification of body at morgue, arranging and paying for funeral, police investigation etc etc etc. at that time she simply fell to pieces if I even left the room. Our relationship hadd already progressed to living together but she totally relied on me. I have no problems with this as it has been part of my previous job to deal with major events (I am ex military police) and to be honest our feelings up till then (and since) meant that I wanted to be there for her, whatever. And I have beenThe issue is with her ex boyfriend of two years, again there is an age gap, she prefers the company of older men, she has been and still is in contact with him, yesterday she flew to vegas to be with him (for ten days) to see if there are still any feelings or if he has changed in his feelings of commitment to her - I knew that he was an ex as this is what she told me, but their regular communication (daily by phone text and email) made me question it, and it came to a situation where I told her to decide, me or him..... her response was that she would have to make the decision only after seeing him, this is where arguements started, I have a jealous and insecure nature (my marriage ended in divorce after finding my wife in bed with another man - that was over 17 yrs ago, I have been deliberately single since then) and now my insecurities are causing me a great deal of stress and pain.We are still together and since my acceptance of her going - our relationship has continued but without the previous intimacy - this again is my fault, I take the slightest rebuff as a reason to not make any physical contact, I read rejection into her actions, I deprive myself of her attempts to connect. She says that we should be friends and then be happy if things return to th eway they were, and I wholeheartedly agree with this, seeing it as an ideal opportunity to rediscover each other and build on our relationship, but there are things that she does that say we are more than friends, we still live together, sleep together (no sex) she flirts and suchlike, one night she spent the entire evening naked with me, but then says 'I am going to bed I am tired', I join her, she goes to sleep - I cannot help feeling regjection in such action and do think it is unnacceptable.I realise that despite her age she has a very 'old fashioned attitude' to the womans role - the man should always take control, instigate sexual relations etc, me, I see realtionships as being that of equals, I want her to be able to articulate her feelings, desires etc, but even when she does, she does things or chooses things that she thinks I want, or will make me happy (even down to cinema visits, going to films that scare her, rather than chick flicks cos she thinks I won't like them.... I tell her I would enjoy any film cos it is time with her, not the content of the film.. I enjoy films and the escape they provide.)This last week has been non-stop arguing, even arguing over arguing! and we have talked everything thru, sometimes in a rational manner, most times in a heated way. She is annoyed that I do not express my feelings, but despite my attempts I have lived my life having to deal with my problems myself and not burden others, she knows this and tells me its time to change, I am trying, but it is so hard.The last few days we have expressed our personal feelings about this visit, we both are not happy about it, but it is something that she must do to draw a line under it, if she still has feelings for him, then I understand I will have to leave, but she tells me I cannot, she depends on me and she loves me, but I cannot accept that there will be someone else in her life, and he, now knowing about me, but in a much watered down version of events, I am sure he will not want me around either.The day I took her to the airport, she was repeatedly seeking physical contact that I found hard to give, we have both said that we love each other and have taken every opportunity to communicate by text or phone, we both have declared how much we miss each other, but now she is seeing the guy who has treated her as a weekend girlfriend, has been out of her life, apart from communication, for a year, and frankly I am worried. Will feeling re-emerge, will they be so much stronger because of their separation?? Will they act on impulse and, maybe even take advantage of marriage laws in vegas :) I have told her my fears, she says they won;t marry and that I need to trust her and understand the strength of her feelings for me but she needs to see the guy so she can, if it is to happen, finish with him face to face.I don't know, there are trust issues, where she has lied to me over this relationship and even the planned 'holiday', unfortunately for her, I have always found out...no I do not look for infidelity, she simply forgets (or accidentally forgets) and leaves things around for me to see.She has told me that she wants to marry me, and I have asked her, now she says she cannot marry me and srill have love for another guy, that it won't be fair on me, and I understand, I only hope that when she returns she will return to me, our conversations since her leaving have been her plans of what we are to do when she gets back and she doesn't want me to do things, even so much as shopping without her being around to enjoy the experiences with me, sounds silly I know but we do everything together, even food shopping is a fun activity for us.She has a jealous streak and goes 'ballistic' if I talk to other women, even her friends, for example if a friend tells her we met and chatted in the street she becomes very upset.... i can say without fear that she is the only one for me, I am not interested in finding anyone else, I have no inclination to meet anyone else, and after spending so long on my own I am comfortable in my solitude. However, she likes to flirt when she goes out with her friends, and I have started to accept that, she always comes back to me, or requests that i join them at some stage, she wants to know where I am, what I am doing, who I am with, then arranges to meet with me. we always meet at the end of the night and go home together, there is nothing more than flirting and altho I would prefer that not to happen, she tells me its her inate need for people to pay her compliments and (i agree with this) as a 24 yr old girl of course she enjoys the attention, but that she tells me that she is mine and I am hers.Writing this is helping me understand things, but I am still scared that I will lose her this week, I think I can cope with it if she does go, but I want for us to be able to get over this and for me to not cause conflict or recriminations if she does come back, I have a jealous streak myself, I have inssecurity abot things, and well, I want to be able to make our relationship stronger, for both of us to be able to deal with this stage in our lives and relationship and for this to move on to the next stage that we have both said we desire...When i have been in conflict with her and we have split, she has always run after me to stop me going, but for me to walk away is my way of dealing with it, I don't like confrontation and need space to deal with things, we are always back together within 24 hrs maximum and I see the relief in her face when I return, I know of the pain she goes thru when I walk away, I see the state she is in when she is unsure if I will return........ what can I do???I am someone who is self assured, confident, my work has always dictated that I stay in control, and even in the most horrific of circumstances I have always been the leader, it came with the territory, my work..... however, now I am lost, confused, my mind wanders, at this moment in time I know that she is with him and our communication at best will be one or two texts for the duration of her holiday with him I can accept that, and will treat every text or call, no matter how short ans indication of how things are progressing, I hate the fact that they will sleep together(and most probably make love) every night they are together, if she returns to me, I will have to (and I think I can )cope with it and put it behind us, but I still have demands that she knows and accepts.... pregnancy test, STD test.... I feel that maybe out of spite he will leave us an unplanned 'present'She comes back on the 24th of this month, she has said she wants me to pick her up at the airport, I will, of course I will, we will return to our flat, or I will relocate (temporarily) to the property i am building some 80 km away. I suppose I am worrying not that she will say she is going to him, but that she cannot decide, and I must accpet this, I have already decided that if this is the case I will finish the relationship and move on... I don't want to but things cannot continue in thiis mannerReading back over what I have written, maybe it appears that I am allowing myself to be manipulated, becauise of my feelings i allow myself to be walked on, this is not the case, sure, I let her have her own way, but as I said earlier, she feels that the man is the person who is responsible for life decision and its the womans role to follow and obey.... I so wish she could simply regard me as an equal not superior, but her upbringing and origins have dictacted this her all her life, maybe I need to slowly give her power and control over life, something we can work on when we see what is to happenHow am I to continue? How am I to survive the next 9 days without my feelings and insecurities overwhelming me and possibly causing tension or problems that need not be there, should I just accept things and move on.... I really don't know, and this is an alien feeling for me.I need to be able to understand this, get impartial, third party input........... maybe, this will result in our lives being so much better.Over to you
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divorce, flirt, her ex, infidelity, insecure, jealous, military, move on, older men, pregnancy test, std, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Kepi +, writes (17 January 2009):
Kepi is verified as being by the original poster of the question hey guys, an update....tonight i have texted her in the US and finished the relationship,of course if she came back now who knows....but with input from here and mutual friends i have taken reccomendations and ended it. thanks for impartial input :)
A
male
reader, Kepi +, writes (16 January 2009):
Kepi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThinking of that at the moment :) One more question to add to this, while she is away, should I text her just to say hi, or is it better just to wait for her to text first or leave it till she comes back ?
I know this sounds like two opposites, but I have to decide on action and will not just do it on a whim, so, laides, would you want the guy to text, or if he didn't would you think he didn't care?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2009):
Dump her!
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A
male
reader, Kepi +, writes (16 January 2009):
Kepi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for that, I will give this one long hard look and get back to you, again thanks for your thoughts
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (16 January 2009):
 I think you must have such a strong will and a kind heart to be able to accept what she is doing to you; I dont think there would be another man in the world who would let the love of their life leave to be with another man for 10 days.
Even if she comes back to you, do you honestly think you can live with knowing she has slept with another man? You and your ex wife split up over infidelity, this case is no different. If she loves you she wouldnt need to see another man, let alone sleep with him.
And for he to be jealous if you talk to another woman while she flirts away to her hearts content? She has you wrapped around her little finger and she has the best of both worlds. She can go out, flirt with other men and then come home to you who she knows will never leave.
After going through all those terrible things together, your love for each other should be stronger, rather than causing her to fly to America to see another man!
In my honest opinion you should move out of the flat and not be there at the Airport to pick her up, she is playing games with you and you deserve better. If you get married, she will only end up being unfaithful to you. There will be no trust in this relatonhsip ever again as you will always wonder what happened in these 10 days, whether she still thinks of him etc.
She sounds like a very immature little girl who needs constant male validation to keep her happy. This is not a woman made for marriage - this is a woman who will jump from relationship to relationship trying to find what she needs whilst always maintaining men in the background so that if one relationship goes wrong, there is always someone there to pick her up.
This type of woman is the worst - she will make you fall fast in love with her and make you feel like she is the only one for you. But you are not the only one for her. Dont you deserve to be with someone that feels the same way about you?
You need to think about this one long and hard; are you prepared to get hurt badly again? Are you prepared to get married again with a good chance that it will end in divorce again? While you may feel now that she is the only one for you, it will hurt less to leave now rather than get hurt later on down the line. Why not leave and look back on the relationship with happy memories rather than sad memories?
I hope this has given you something to think about and good luck!
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