A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My 27-year-old boyfriend went through a really rough time in his life a few years ago, which led him to make a huge mistake. He let this woman (10-15 years older than him) to throw herself at him and spend money on him just so that she could have him. To me, this is a sugar mommy-baby relationship and it's the most disgusting thing in my book! He sorely regrets it and admits that he made a huge mistake but the rough time that he was going through had a very important impact. He even has a proof that he finally ran away from her and that she was literally throwing herself at her (despite the fact that he kept telling her that they are just friends (or friends with benefits - which makes me wanna vomit when I think about it). I became aware of this mistake AFTER I realized that he is the man of my dreams. It crushed me because I could never imagine a person as strong and independent as him doing such a thing. For some reason I cannot get over this. Anything that we talk about somehow leads to this argument that I can't get over this past mistake. He said that this is normal because girls do get jealous but how come I'm not "jealous" of the girls that he dated who were not as desperate and older as she was? That doesn't make any sense! If it's not jealousy, what is it? What is wrong with me? I know that it is in his past and that I need to accept it because I love him to death and I'm 100% certain that he is the one, but for some reason nothing is working for me. I'm tired, he's tired, and I'm scared that this is going to hurt our relationship.
View related questions:
crush, friend with benefits, jealous, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2015): What about this situation bothers you?
1) The age difference? that is a superficial concern of yours.
2) That it was FWB and not a relationship? yes that is troubling but most men will do this if single.
3) the fact that he may have used her for money?
That should be your biggest concern here. If he really did plan to use her and lose her while misleading her to get her cash...what does this say about his character? You seem to think that she used him (which she may have) but have you even considered the other side?
Of course it is possible that he really was attracted to her and was not trying to take advantage of her...I think you will find out the truth if you are calm in your discussions with him and go from there.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2015): My fiancé had a FWB relationship with a woman 5 years older than him. He was in his 40's at the time, so I don't see the age gap as much of anything. The woman was never married. My fiancé wanted more than that type of relationship, but she did not. It was purely sexual as far as I know. Anyway, she broke up with him and is now involved with a married woman.
The whole situation kinda makes me vomit only because the town is small and you run into these people all the time, even his ex-girlfriends from other small towns. It's a constant reminder in your face sort of thing.
There are only so many people to pass around in small towns and the state is not that highly populated. I call it slim pickins. It makes me miss the big city I was in.
His past isn't stellar, but neither is mine.
If your values don't match, then you should move on and find someone else that you would be more compatible with.
...............................
A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (22 January 2015):
 There's nothing wrong with it making you feel uncomfortable, but this is where you have to decide to take him and his past or leave it all.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2015): each to their own really ..
I wouldn't see it as an issue but If I went out with a girl and then found out she had been having threesomes in the past then it would put me off them. ( so we all have things we hate in people )
To be honest I doubt your chap really did have major issues with it and the reason why he is saying he regretted it is because he knows how serious the thing is for you.
But the main thing is, this is something you really do not like so you might need to find somebody with the same values as you so it does not cause issues.
...............................
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack  +, writes (22 January 2015):
You are so obsessed with this, it is extremely unhealthy. That relationship is long over. I'll say it again, let it go or let HIM go.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 January 2015):
 OP based on your follow up i suggest you RUN far and fast.
not only do you have RJ with this guy the entire family (based on your take of the conversation with his mom) has boundary issues.
This will clearly not end well. The family sounds way more dysfunctional than you need to deal with.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2015): Here's a wild idea: Maybe the OP morally objects to what her BF did, and there is NOTHING WRONG WITH FEELING THAT WAY? Maybe she is not jealous and she just has strong values about choosing sexual partners & relationships.
In fact, maybe she needs to find a BF whose values reflect hers. It was "in the past" but millions of other people live by their values their entire lives no matter what. That includes millions of young men.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2015): I think most men in their 20's at some point have a relationship with an older woman. It is a prevalent male fantasy at that age. Older women are more experienced in bed. They also have a high sex drive as do men in their early 20's. My boyfriend when he was 21 dated a woman ten years older than him for about a year and a half. To my understanding they were in a full on relationship, perhaps in love even. Unlike you, though, I don't ask for more details than that. It is not something I care to know any further about. I understand that he has a past before me and know that he loves me now. Young men dating older women is a lot more common than you think. That your boyfriend had a relationship with her does not change the fact that he is a strong and independent man. He was probably in it just for the sex and the perks. He was a lot younger then. People make mistakes. That is the only way to learn and grow.You are being very naive about this. You can yell at it him about it all you want but this disappointment is going to lead to further disappointment when you go out into the dating pool and see for yourself that more men than you realize have had relations with an older woman. Or with a type of woman that certainly wouldn't pass your approval rating. What are you going to do then? Avoid relationships for the rest of your life? Because this behavior is too disgusting for someone like you to not snub your nose at? Because you believe you are holier than thou and place an immense amount of judgment on any action that strays from your self righteous idea of what's appropriate?You are being so self righteous. And extremely naive. I do not know why you feel the need to know every detail about his past relationships. You are acting nutty and you are driving yourself mad. And if you keep it up he is eventually going to get fed up with you. I encourage you to talk to other men about this and see for yourself that in the male world, what he did is not disgusting. Past, present or future, any guy you meet or date, if given the opportunity, probably would have also had sex with this woman. And would've accepted whatever else she was offering. I think your naivety is what is causing this issue for you. You have this idea of men that is pretty rudimentary. Like your expectations of him is what a 9 year old expects from her elementary school crush. Face it, your boyfriend is not a kid. He is an adult. He is a man. He has a penis. He has a sex drive. Educate yourself on what that means and you will feel a lot less surprised about what he did with this older woman.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2015): @So_Very_Confused This is the OPYes, I have talked to his mom personally and she told me that lady was a really viscous person whom she had warned him about. His mom (who was back in Europe at that time) said that she kept telling him about her and warning him but he kept repeating, "No, mom. It's not what you think. She is like my sister. She is helping me so much".His mom literally told me that he had been warned but he refused to listen (he has his own reasons by the way) and that he learned his lesson the hard way. The FWB lady had contacted his mom too! Begging her to tell him to stay with her!! He was going through a really rough time and was stabbed in the back by his dad. He was neglected and had nowhere to go (he was new in that city and had absolutely no one to trust). According to him, she (who was a family friend of his dad) took advantage of this and approached him as a sister (or a really good friend). Later, he found out that she was trying to use him to make her ex husband, as well as her older sister jealous. (Her sister is sleeping with the dad btw, crazy isn't it?) So, this whole thing was supposed to be a plot but she fell for him. I don't know if he liked her (~really unlikely cause he was dating people at that time and even managed to hang out with his ex because he had "no one to talk to", which implies that he didn't confide in her to even talk to her about his problems) but I know for a fact that she was obsessed with him and did anything she could to keep him.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 January 2015):
"according to my boyfriend"
is there someone else in his family you could get the truth from... all you are getting is his spin on his POV to make him look like "the good guy"
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2015): Boys and girls are very different. While we girls won't have sex with anyone just for the sake of sex for various reasons, boys will, well, at least most of them. So your question how he could still have sex with her despising her at the same time has an answer: because he could. Guys don't have even to like a person physically to have sex with, and you are talking about emotional feeling here. Have you ever heard of a woman who had sex with an ugly toothless male prostitute? I am sure not and you never will. But men have sex with drug addicted, horribly looking cheap hookers without any teeth, so how do you explain that? An example: my husband's boss. Well educated, rich and handsome mid 40s man with 2 beatifull teenage daughters had a hooker giving him blow job on a back of the building in his car. And someone saw it and told his wife. Imagine how disgusted she was: divorce followed, lives destroyed and ...only because he had an urge!!!I am sorry guys, I know this is how God created you, and i understand but I am also disgusted with male population only based on that fact. Though I am straight and love sex very much but observing through my life what was done in the name of sex just very unsettling for me. I have met men who use brain and control themself but most unfortunately are quite incapable of doing so. I think this is exactly what bothers you and rightfully so, men's nature.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2015): THIS IS THE OP-She approached him as an older sister and told him that she is returning the favors that his dad did for her family by spending money for him. He says that she used him to make her ex and others jealous initially, but from what I can tell she ultimately fell in love with him (to the point where she was begging him to stay with her). My BF says he despises her and that he despised her back then too. How could he have sex with her then??? This doesn't make ANY sense to me. How is that possible???She controlled him to the point where he had to do anything just to make her stop crying (this one time he met with an ex and she followed him!!!). She was extremely jealous and insecure, according to my bf.I don't really know what part of this relationship bothers me, but it does.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 January 2015):
 Woman, you have some issues here and dating this guy would be a mistake for the BOTH of you.
YOU can't seem to deal with the fact that he was WITH an older woman BEFORE he met you. So there is only one choice let him go. YOU trying to punish him with your "disgust" is not only unreasonable but utterly unfair.
There is a uncle here on DC, called YOS - find his articles about retrograde jealousy. THAT is you.
I can see having a problem dating a guy who had sex with prostitutes, I wouldn't touch a guy like that with a 50 foot pole myself. But the age thing? WHAT? You think he WAS only having this FWB for the money? Well, that makes HIM the prostitute.... And seriously... I DOUBT he was just having sex for the financial gain. I think he is downplaying HIS participation in that relationship considerably. She didn't hold a loaded gun to his head. She KEPT him as her STUD. OR... she ACTUALLY LIKED the guy and wanted to BE with him - GASP - just LIKE YOU.
I don't think you will EVER "get" over this, if it's SO disgusting to you that you CONSENTING ADULTS have sex. He wasn't under age - he was MID-20s and she mid-30's.. How is that gross?
Sorry, you have issues HE can not fix for you. Again, READ Uncle Yos articles on Retrograde/Retroactive jealousy.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2015): The woman was a woman like any other. He wasn't a victim. He chose to have a relationship of whatever nature with her. He found her attractive or he wouldn't have been able to get it up and keep it going over a period of time.
You too will be older one day and it's ok that men will still fond you attractive.
Let it go
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2015): She approached him as an older sister and told him that she is returning the favors that his dad did for her family by spending money for him. He says that she used him to make her ex and others jealous initially, but from what I can tell she ultimately fell in love with him (to the point where she was begging him to stay with her). My BF says he despises her and that he despised her back then too. How could he have sex with her then??? This doesn't make ANY sense to me. How is that possible???
She controlled him to the point where he had to do anything just to make her stop crying (this one time he met with an ex and she followed him!!!). She was extremely jealous and insecure, according to my bf.
I don't really know what part of this relationship bothers me, but it does.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2015): I can see how it makes you feel sick; because you realize he was allowing himself to be used in exchange for sex and money. He was a boy-toy, which amounts to being "kept." The sex was part of the bargain. However; that was then, this is now. Has he atoned for for his past? Is she completely out of his life now?
It appears to me you can accept the money-part; but you find his having sex with an older woman more the reason you're disgusted. In which case; maybe you should rethink everything and just get-over it. Everyone has a past, and the past can't be changed.
That was a bad period in his life, and he was upfront about it. Many guys these days hide the truth. He has expressed his remorse, he came clean, and I think he should be given a chance. When a guy is that honest with a woman, she means a lot to him.
If you are thoroughly disgusted and can't clear your head, end it now. Don't carry judgement around holding it over his head, and feeling resentment.
...............................
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (21 January 2015):
Oh, my goodness, you really need to leave the poor guy alone over this. Seriously, what do you expect him to do, hop in his time machine and go back and have a re-do? Why are you punishing him mercilessly for something he did BEFORE YOU EVEN MET HIM?
I do call BS on his story, as a woman in her mid forties I am approached by men in their twenties on a fairly regular basis. Something about they've heard we are more mature, not all clingy and jealous, and better and more experienced in bed. Quite sure he was a happy and willing participant initially at least.
But what does it matter? That is his past. You can't change it and neither can he. Get over it or let him go.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2015): If this was a man 10-15 years older throwing himself and money at a woman, no-one would blink an eye. You seem to have a LOT of prejudice in place re. older women - some of whom are drop dead gorgeous, well maintained and far more interesting and financially secure than younger women. So why on earth shouldn't they have fun and love with a younger man? If she's got money to throw at him, then so what? You sound jealous and insecure and, guess what? One day you will be older too, so let's hope that all the prejudice surrounding older women has gone by then.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 January 2015):
OH WOW. AuntyBimBim makes great points (as usual)
WHAT bugs you, the fact that he had a FWB by choice or the fact that she was "an older woman"
You ASSUME she was "desperate" You make it sound like he was FORCED against his WILL to engage in a relationship with this woman.
"he has proof that he ran away from her" WHY would he need PROOF?
so he had a relationship with a person that was mutually beneficial for both of them. he got cash and gifts and sex and she got sex and could afford to indulge in her friendship as she saw fit.
I guess you are upset that he was a male prostitute????
cause that's your implication. AND you make it sound like a woman of 35/40 has one foot in the grave and could not get a guy unless he paid him. WHY would this bother you so much? WHAT bothers you, that she was old or that he willingly was in a relationship with a woman who provided income and toys for him in return for his manly attention?
When my now 41 year old husband was 27 I was 41. We did not know each other then but it's about the same age gap now... and it works JUST fine for us.
After about age 25 age is a number and mutual interests take hold more than caring about status or age.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2015): What exactly disgusts you ??Let's say he was 25, then it would make the older sugar mama 35-40?. That's just makes me laugh. Of course for your tender age it seems like she was ancient, but the fact is may be she was older but not old!!Guys actually very much are interested to have sex with women older than them when they are in their 20s for experience. So, I don't even know if your boyfriend slept with her solely for money or may be he just liked her.The fact that she spent money on him is questionable too, this what he tells you. If she was a beatifull confident woman why would she even bother to spend money on a boy if she could find plenty who would spend money on her?Your boyfriend is right: why are so preoccupied with his affair with a older woman but not with other girl. I think what bothers you here is her age not the sugar mama issue
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (21 January 2015):
 He "let her throw herself at him and spend money on him" ..... I'm not quite sure which bit of this you find disgusting, the fact he let some woman buy him stuff or the fact he had sex with an older woman, who, if she was 10 to 15 years older, would have been in her sexual prime. He would have been in the final years of his sexual prime as well.
To deal with this issue you need to work out why it bothers you ..... the thought of sexual favours in exchange for material things, or the fact it was an older woman. You know, 35 to 40 isn't that old these days, and at 24 or 25 your boyfriend was certainly an adult and aware of what he was doing.
You can't change what happened, you can only change the way it affects you, and based on what you have told us I don't think is a terribly bad thing in the scheme of things.
Try and get over it, accept it happened, and put it behind you.
...............................
|
