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He seems a lovely guy but could I be missing something?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Online dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 August 2017) 14 Answers - (Newest, 12 August 2017)
A female New Zealand age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I have been communicating steadily with a man I met online now for around 6 months, but we have been also interacting on message boards now for more like 8 months. Things have progressed to us both being seriously interested in seeing if we could become a couple. We in many aspects are. We chat/text and talk on the phone now pretty much everyday. We don't live in the same city so it has been a long distance scenario. We are going to spend some in person time shortly, which is great. I have no concerns at all that he is authentic, who he says he is and we have been pretty close now for ages. Our friendship is real and pretty honest and up front. I have delayed us meeting for a number of reasons, the first was to be certain he was worth it and who he says he is etc. So...I'm confident he is not a risk, scammer, married or a player. I like him.

This guy is 59, has never been married and has only had two relationships,very short all his life. He says he has always wanted the real thing. He has admitted that he is terribly shy and finds it difficult in social situations. I know that he is extremely shy and lacks a huge amount of confidence, low self esteem in regards to women is evident. He also has had next to no experience sexually. We have talked about my concerns about both his relationship inexperience and his sexual history. I even have asked if he has gone to prostitutes for intimacy, apparently not. He is very up front that casual sex and sleeping with someone is something he takes seriously and only with someone he cares deeply for.

He will frequently comment and flirt sexually with me, not anything to heavy, but seems to have a lot of confidence during chat. And he comes across as a person with a high sex drive. No confidence at all when talking however, and imagine in person it may be even more difficult for him.

He's employed,a builder, has lots of confidence in his work and by all account has a very stable long term history in this area.

I don't doubt his answers and think he is being truthful. But feel confused about why he has reached his age and never really been with women. For me is a nagging feeling that this sexual and relationship history is something more complex, maybe quite challenging and potentially dysfunctional, as in serious anxiety etc. I'm just very unfamiliar with a man at 59, only having a serious girlfriend when 19 and a brief encounter/connection in his mid 50's. Its unusual. He's a really lovely guy and we click on so many levels. But what am I possibly missing?

Any suggestive insight would be awesome. Thanks and sorry its a long post.

View related questions: confidence, flirt, long distance, met online, player, prostitute, self esteem, sex drive, sexual past, shy

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hey thanks for the imput, and Judgedick I think perhaps your getting it.

Possibly my posts indicated somehow that I wasn't sure he was legit. Not so, he is. His character and sense of humor is still present even in phone calls.I can tell tho when we talk he feels nervous although the information/topics/and humor is the same as in chat. I also have seen numerous photos of him, at work and in varying locations. The consistency is there, definitely is slightly awkward talking, admitted he struggles in social situations. I thought this is perhaps the reasons he has had little relationship history.

The aunt who is leaping to him being a catfish, scammer, axe murderer or somehow dangerous is perhaps a bit drastic. The suggestion that because he is a builder, could never be social anxious is also a massive leap and generalization. I have huge experience in this arena and not all are Alfa male jokesters. And he is fit! I do however thank you for your imput. But feel your wrong on this count.

The only niggle I have is could his potential social anxiety problem or what ever make it difficult for him to begin relationships, also account for his limited sexual and relationship history. My niggle is also perhaps what challenges this may have with an inbalance of self confidence between us. I came here to see if there was experienced Aunts (and Uncles) who may have come across this and their thoughts. Its about knowing the challenges of a potential relationship with someone who struggles in this area.

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A male reader, judgedick France +, writes (11 August 2017):

judgedick agony auntWhy do I see huge contradictions here, I think if we stand back and look at the advice we hand out, If we are asked by someone that is worried about a number of partners their new partner has had before them, so why would we think that it makes no difference if the number is 20 or 200, but think if it is 2 it does and make some think he might be an ask murder,

I think OP needs to use the same LOGIC in regard to his so called lack of experience as you would if he had a much greater number than you,

I would say when you meet him, to accept him for what he is and not be looking too hard for flaws, I am not telling you to turn a blind eye if you see red flags, but not run it like as if you are head examiner in Neuburg trials,

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2017):

Your still missing that it doesnt quite add up?

Your still missing that you have a lurking doubt!

Your still missing that you came here to seek advice, opinion and so on.

You were the person who explained this to us.

For me the alarm bells ring when you say he talks differently on the phone to his online persona?

Why would he need to do that?

You think he is socially challenged!

I have never met a socially challenged builder yet!

They are some of the most socially skilled and I have heard many a wolf whistle!

Builders tend to like to joke and laugh!

They crack on and do things!

They are never backwards at coming forwards!

They have toned bodies and they know it!

So if your guy is Mr socially-inept and works on a building site it could never add up because those guys are mercilessly funny and even if he were the boss they would slaughter him with words.

Im seeing in my head someone else.

Not toned or lithe.

Someone dysfunctional.

But its your life!

So, only you can care because it will never impact on us.

Good luck.

If you must meet, go with a friend.

A male friend who can keep an eye on you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Just a little further clarification for those who think I may have rose tinted glasses on regarding this 'online' connection. I know a lot about him, who he works for, where he lives, who is family is, names, places and phone numbers. All of which pan out to be truthful. So I am not concerned that he is somehow playing me. Yes we have met 'online' but I observed him for months to see if his character was consistent, saw on the message boards that he was not only humble and kind but also genuinely liked by others. He hasn't made out he is anything special, in fact quite the opposite. I have pretty much grilled the guy with checking out his authenticity. He is confident on line and able to express himself well and with the impression that he would be an awesome potential partner. He has fully admitted, since we have got a lot closer, probably now about 3 months of consistent contact, that he struggles in social situations and finds this a challenge. He is extremely un confident in his abilities with women. Also has found it difficult to get close to someone, until I came along. I know he is terribly shy, but I do think he has a good heart. I am not easily conned, sucked in or take things lightly. I have no illusions of fairy tale endings or dreams. I've had a lot more experience that him in life with relationships, and as it currently presents could easily take advantage of him, but this is not who I am. He's just an ordinary guy that has no history to speak of dating or with relationships. I am now, after further discussions convinced this is due to some sort of anxiety issues which have effected his dating and sexual history. I guess this could cause difficulties in establishing or the success of an on going relationship with him, depending on the reasons he has had for this insecurity and problem. Socially it will be difficult, but possibly as a couple it may not be a major issue. He has not hidden this issue with me, or his history about lack of relationships. He hasn't told me why he may have this problem however. I guess I came on here to see if others had experienced people with similar histories and perhaps to gain further insight. I really thank all for their input. One thing I am totally sure about, and I am no fool, is that he is real, who he says he is, not a player, not a serial killer and my safety is not of concern. I am intrigued to know why he has these issues and has not found it easy to connect at the age he is. Also discerning what impact that could have on a potential relationship. I know online dating is fraught with danger and people who invent a persona. Very aware of the risks. I don't believe he is in this category, but there is something which has happened to create a possible 'mental health issue' in respect of possible social anxiety. I wonder if he did find a partner he trusted and felt confident with, that possibly this issue could reduce. Thanks Aunts for your advice, keep it coming, lol.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2017):

You could be missing your own vulnerability and naivity.

Even at 50+ women still want to believe in cinderella type happy endings whilst knowing that meeting someone from online for romance is beset with pitfalls.

It doesnt quite add up to you and he has the potential to be someone he is not.

You trust him and believe him. Why?

But your conscience is nagging you.

He could be a sex offender just out of jail on probation.

A serial killer.

Who knows.

He is in the fast and loose world of building and his online persona doesnt connect with the demeanour of his voice.

So your intuition is warning you.

But you cant comprehend the ruthlessness some people have so you trust him!

If you were to meet I think it would be a disaster.

Its a risk.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 August 2017):

Honeypie agony auntHonestly? I would just take this VERY slowly.

Yes, I do think it's odd that he has such a limited experience with women and I wonder what's really up with that. Being shy, lack of self-confidence and social skills, however, CAN be the reason.

WAIT with the sex till you have spent a GOOD amount of time IN person with him. One on one and in social situations. (like out for lunch, dinner etc.)

I knew a guy that sounds a lot like this fella, he had his first GF at 36. He was (and is still) painfully shy. I don't think he would ever have the nerve to visit a prostitute. So guys like that DO exist.

Good luck, I hope he is a good one and that you two have chemistry in person.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks alot people for your thoughts, I will let you know how things go. Im not too concerned that he is not sincere, and have already had and confirmed a lot of what he says is true, know many personal details about him and his family which exist and Ive checked. So meeting him in a few weeks and will see how things go. Thank you and will update this thread for the Aunt who was interested in the outcome.

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A male reader, judgedick France +, writes (10 August 2017):

judgedick agony auntI am like you I believe his story, I know a man we sell to every month is about the same age came up from the south of France with his mother and has never had a GF in his life and he is MD for a huge company, and there are many people out there that have had a childhood sweetheart and when she left he never got another,

We all get this idea that escort girls fill a gap for men that don't have a woman or going through a low spell, Everyone asks the guy that has not had experienced relationships in their life if they use or at some time use prostitutes but you find it is married me that are having sex at home go to prostitutes most, I was asked the same thing once, I was even offered one for free by two different people one out of thinking I needed a kick start and the other as a birthday gift and turned down the offer for the same reason as your guy,

there is not only one type of man, in the same way as there is not only one type of woman, we don't all drink beer and look at football,

the only girl I have ever known is my wife that I met late in life, and I was not a priest and never was, I am one of these type guys that can be a great talker when you get me going but no good at first, If I know someone and relaxed can talk for France but if I wanted to get to know a girl for the first time would be lost

The guy has no experience and has no baggage full stop,

GO for it, your baggage is holding you back afraid of getting hurt, and yes you could give your love to this man and it might not work out but you might all so be missing out on years of happiness because you let it pass,

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (10 August 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntThis guy sounds so like a guy I work with who is in his 40s but never had a girlfriend in the 11 years I have worked with him. He is the loveliest guy you could wish to meet. He is everyone's friend. He is the "fixer" in the office. He is everyone's first port of call when anything goes wrong (work or personal). He attends EVERY works night out and is the one who looks after everyone and makes sure they are safe if they have too much to drink. He is like everyone's favourite uncle. Despite many (usually rather drunk) attempts by various colleagues to find out about his past relationship history, he reveals nothing. Many believe he is still a virgin, although he has hinted at a relationship when he was much younger. He is the friendliest bloke you could wish to meet. He has his own house, where he lives alone but is happy to put up any friend overnight if they need somewhere. A few colleagues/ex-colleagues have made it clear they are interested in him but he has not taken any of them up.

Your man sounds like an older version of this colleague. So his lack of experience would not worry me that much. What would be a bigger worry is that, having been used to being self sufficient all these years, he will now find it very hard to share his space with someone. He will be set in his ways and possibly unwilling to change. There again, he may be happy to be accommodating. You will never know unless you give it a try.

Despite thinking you know this guy, please be as cautious and careful as if he was someone you had just chosen on a dating site. You only know what he wants you to know at the moment. Please meet in a safe place. I hope he doesn't know where you live or work yet. Maybe even have a friend phone you part way through the first date(s) to make sure all is ok.

Good luck. I really hope you both find what you are looking for. I would be really interested to hear how this relationship works out.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (10 August 2017):

I find it very odd that a man can reach the age of 59 and have no sexual or relationship experience. Has he been a priest most of his life? Sounds a bit isolated and cut-off.

You've never met in-person; so considering a relationship based solely on conversation might be moving a little too fast.

His lengthy yet most uneventful love-life would give me pause. I detect some underdeveloped interactive and socializing skills; if he's gone this long and never had one long-term relationship.

I'd have to see to believe. I wouldn't be paranoid; but I'd hold a great deal of skepticism until we've gotten to know each other over a series of meetings and dates.

Life places to many opportunities and experiences in our path over a lifetime for anyone to have only two short relationships, as he's claiming at such a mature age. I could only wonder why? He's certainly got you raising an eyebrow. What did he do to those two people?

I would meet in public places and during daytime. I would not give him your address or information about your place of employment; until you are absolutely certain about who this man really is. Online conversation can be saturated with falsehoods. A man of mystery is one thing; a man claiming no romantic experience at 59 is scary! You proceed with caution in either case.

It's very easy to get along online. There is little reason to put-up defenses. You have a safety-barrier between you.

People study your profile for the purpose of figuring-out what type of person you are. By that, they can develop an online dream-date to fit your criteria; and morph their personality to your liking. Players carefully ask certain questions that give them clues what you're looking for, and they become that person.

They can get you talking about yourself and read the kind of person you are. Then they can customize a version of themselves to fit your specifications. We forget in the process of talking about ourselves, people are taking notes. From what they hear they size you up; and they are able to develop a character very close to the person we want them to be. So start from scratch getting to know him.

So follow your instincts and be cautious.

Listen to your gut about this guy.

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A male reader, Xearo Trinidad and Tobago +, writes (10 August 2017):

I think you are right to be skeptical but you are at the limits to what you can learn about someone from online. Many of the questions you have can only be answered with physical contact/meeting in person/dating. I'm sure he has had things in his past but the same goes for you as well, so he is also fair to not reveal everything to you. So consider dating, if you do want to pursue this further.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you, yes your right about many reasons. I know he is incredibly shy, almost awkward at times, but as we have now been communicating for ages he and I still seem to work. He is always saying he is not that 'flash' and putting himself down as a potential partner prospect. I see other qualities I value hugely. But I am also quite confident and have a strong self esteem socially. It could be an big in-balance, more for him than me. Its that little niggle you have in your gut that something more is up with him. I'm not looking for him to be Mr Wonderful, but not sure if I could handle a lot of insecurity. Maybe that will settle.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (10 August 2017):

janniepeg agony auntWhat people say online can be very different from how they are in real life. I am guessing it is anxiety as well. In order to have a healthy sexual connection, you need a balance of tension and relaxation. The chemistry needs to be there but men shouldn't have to worry about performance so much that they can't maintain an erection.

It's possible that his first relationship cut so deep that he couldn't love a woman after that, and no woman could come close to what he had had. In dating, people are pressured to be able to hold a conversation. Those who stutter in awkward silences probably would not see another date. All it takes might be 2 or 3 rejections for a man to give up altogether. He really needs someone who accepts him for who he is. Let's hope that shyness is the only thing that hindered his dating experience. There could be many reasons why he has little or no experience. You are only meeting the first time, so no need to worry about what he could not give you.

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico +, writes (10 August 2017):

"This guy is 59, has never been married"

This seems very incredible, but possible.

I can't believe he has never had any sexual relationship with those girls, but it could be true.

Perhaps he has a small D*ck (which could be a problem for having confidence with girls).

LDR relationships can be very tricky, and if you haven't met him in person, he may be hiding you a lot of stuff about his past. The only way for knowing him better is being around him, having sex with him, or even living with him if you need to.

The only way you truly know how a person is when you live together, either married or not.

My sister had a LDR with a Canadian guy, who said what was 30, but turns out he was like 60, which was no problem with her, but he dumped her by some reason, but she did felt scammed.

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