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I am trying to get over her betrayal so why is she driving past my house?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Gay relationships, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 August 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 10 August 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi aunties,

My long term partner left me 18 months ago for another man who she is still with. As far as I was concerned the relationship is over and there is no need to stay in touch. Every few months though she makes an effort to get in contact which I shut down but recently she sent an email saying she misses me and last week I caught her driving past my house- she never lived here, has no reason to drive down this road and now lives 200 miles away.

What's going on? It's all a bit confusing when I'm trying hard to get over the betrayal.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (10 August 2017):

YouWish agony auntIt's her ego mixed with "buyer's remorse". That's happened to me before, and the guy would walk past my place of business trying to get a look at me working (even thinking about it sets my teeth on edge). She is daydreaming about "Unscrambling the egg" or trying to erase what she did.

It's one reason why cats bury their excrement - to hide the stench and evidence. She wants to bury the incident and wants to make it like it never happened. She want to think you didn't move on, that she misses you and wishes you'd forgive all and collapse into her arms.

Don't do it. She can't undo what she did. Her buyer's remorse is worthless. I know that her trying to stay in your life is invoking all of the crap you went through, but you're doing the right thing by ignoring her.

Live your life as if she's the background noise. If she's driving past your house, just remember that you didn't pay for all of the petrol she consumed, and you're moving on. Concentrate on your life's goals, and if there's someone you're interested in, maybe it's time to "swipe right" to see what your new possibilities are.

You might want to block her number and email so that she can't keep trying to pull you back in every few months or so. She made her bed, now she can sleep in it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all for your thoughts and support.

I'd always been really clear to my ex when I found out what she'd done that our relationship was over and that ther was no need to stay in contact and I still feel that way.

I've been on a few dates since we split but nothing serious. To be honest I've thrown myself into work, taken up new hobbies and met new friends so certainly not sat around feeling sorry for myself and life is progressing well.

It's just that I could do without my ex popping up every few months and it feels like she is keen to remind me that she still exists. I feel a bit sorry for the guy she's with too as he's probably clueless (just as I was) as to what she gets up to. Although that's not my problem.

For example- she has friends keep an eye out on what I'm up to (they still live nearby), she keeps an eye on my social media so I've had to make accounts super private, she even bought her new guy to the bar I was in once (before she moved away to live with him) and spent the evening making out with him whilst keeping an eye out for my reaction, of course now she drives back here to drive past my house as I mentioned before, among other things. There's a whole list!

I just find it all very strange and I have in no uncertain terms told her on more than one occasion since we split that our relationship is over and there's no going back. I did consider moving but I would be giving up so many things because I love the area I live in and the friends I have here. I just keep thinking she'll give up eventually...it just seems to be taking a long time.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 August 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI absolutely get that it hurts being betrayed and cheated on. Been there done that. (been cheated on, that is)

It took me a good while to get over it as well. Coming to the conclusion that it wasn't my fault or because of me my partner cheated, it was because he CHOSE to do it. Same with yours.

At some point in time, you NEED to change your viewpoint from what SHE did, to what you have avoided. Basically, you have dodged a bullet. You NEED to look at the silver lining here. I know it's hard, but that part will get easier.

She might be stalking you because her new BF is not really working out. OR because she wants to make sure you don't move on with someone else. Just in case.

Driving 200 miles to drive past your house seems a BIT nutty if you ask me, so maybe she had other business around where you live and decided to drive past your house?

Either way, you need let her go. She wasn't worthy of your trust. Without trust? you have nothing.

Make her email go to your spam folder. Don't read them. She is not looking out for you with those emails, she is wanting YOU to "forgive her" so SHE can stop feeling guilty and bad about how she treated you. It's STILL all about her. She wants YOU to assuage her guilt.

I would NOT take her back as the poster Jessie Star suggests. The ONLY reason she is keeping in touch is so that she has a fallback guy if the new BF doesn't work out. That isn't done out of love. But... it all comes down to what YOU want.

I hope you have some good friends around you and that you don't just sit at home trying to figure her out. The MORE you try and figure her out, the more time you waste. Life is short, go out and enjoy it.

If you feel like you CAN'T move on, see a therapist.

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A female reader, Jessie Star China +, writes (10 August 2017):

Jessie Star agony auntHi Anonymous,

I agree with WiseOwlE, cheaters are only sorry they got caught, that's a old saying that still holds true. Betrayal is difficult to forgive and even harder to let go. But sooner or later you will need to move past the betrayal and seeing a counselor maybe a good idea being that it's been two years since the incident occured.

To answer your question, I think she still likes you. She contacts you every few months because she realize she let a good thing split away. Driving by your house is not the best way for her to show you she cares. I agree.

You didn't mention whether or not you are involved with someone else. If you are then tell her you are involved, and focus your mind on building a relationship with your partner.

However, if you are not involve try dating her again, you stated you are confused maybe talking to her instead of shutting her down at the first sight of her emails will help you understand why she did what she did. Maybe a conversation between the two of you will ease your confusion.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (10 August 2017):

She's checking to see if you've completely moved-on.

You're asking if she still has something for you in a roundabout way. Not really. It's typical post-breakup regret and jealousy. Hoping you haven't moved on and found someone better.

Get your head out of the past. The betrayal was nearly two years ago. Focus only on moving forward.

People who stoop to betrayal and cheating forgive themselves long before the person they have betrayed. Their remorse is brief, or nonexistent. Their flawed sense of conscience and inflated sense of entitlement leads them to believe they have to please themselves at any cost. They don't value trust. Your trust is their key to opportunity. They count on cleverness and secrecy to protect them. So get her out of your system. She's trying to build a triangle.

Cheaters are only sorry they got caught! They don't value what they have when they've got it. So why value it more when it's lost?

It's amazing how jealous cheaters can be! Of course they still want control over your feelings, but they want to screw others too. Cheaters are greedy! They have such nerve.

It's not about love as much as being territorial. Her ego. Cheaters don't like being replaced by someone better for you. The karma is a killer! Being replaced and forgotten is their kryptonite.

Ever considered a move?

See a counselor. You shouldn't be dragging around two year-old baggage.

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