A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been with my fiance for two and a half years, we have had our up a and downs but mostly, we have had a great time - but lately, I am worried that he is just not that into me any more.We live together and I gave a great relationship with his daughter, even though his ex partner has not moved on yet and makes things difficult. A few months into our relationship, he slept with his ex behind my back but asked for my forgiveness which I gave him.He also messaged a few girls on Facebook but I forgave him and as far as I know, he hasn't done that for a while.These incidents have made trusting him somewhat challenging for me at times and I admit I have been a bit insecure.I left my job to move in with him as he lived in a different area - since then, with the recession, I gave found it difficult to find a permanent job. I had one for a while but the commute was too far so I left that and had two temporary roles that lasted a few months each.My last temp role finished in Feb and since then, I have done everything possible to find a new job as things are really tough for us financially. When I did work, whilst he paid the bills, I paid for food, utilities and the 'nice' stuff like concert tickets, day trips and I even paid for me, him and his daughter to go to Disneyland Paris for her Birthday.I wanted to share all the bills but he said he preferred it the way we were doing it.Up until my last contract ended, things were fantastic - we had a great Christmas and on New Years Eve he proposed. We'd started talking about wedding dates and set a provisional one in our diaries.Then, since my contract ended and I became unemployed, he had transformed into someone who is constantly having a go at me for being unemployed and accusing me of not being a proper partner due to not paying bills. He says it us like he is single and I just live here - I found this hurtful as I haven't list my job ad such, it wad a contract temp role do it was always going to end and I do so much for him, his daughter (I have bought her school uniform, shoes, clothes on numerous occasions too).I just feel really unsupported - I understand that he is frustrated due to our financial hardship but I will obviously get a job at some point and my earning potential is double what his is.He is very insecure and has had a troubled childhood - in his mind, he has bought me down compared to the glam, career girl I was when I was single so he feels rubbish and lashes out.I have told him so many times that isn't the case - I was single back then so had more free time and I am still the same person, it's just I am limited in what I can do whilst I am not working in terms of getting my own car, going out and so on.He can be quite controlling and is quite aggressive defensive, remembering heat of the moment comments and holding them against you.He has also been less affectionate than he used yo be since I lost my job - he is quite cold and doesn't even message me in the day anymore as he says I am just sitting at home so have nothing to say.All thus leads me to feeling like the worst girlfriend in the world and a total burden - my confidence is low and I feel isolated, maybe even depressed from not working and feeling like I am a let down to him. I just wish he would be more supportive as the way he is acting isn't helping me.We also booked a holiday and it's looking like we can't pay for it in time with me not being able to find a job so I feel extra pressure and like a let down/ failure. He is constantly having a go at me about money and how it wasn't part of the plan for us to struggle like this.I hate not working, I am not lazy and believe me, my CV is going everywhere even for supermarket jobs instead of what I am qualified for.I don't understand what has happened to the affectionate, loving man I knew who cuddled me all the time and sent me love cards and poetry.But it's only been since I lost my job.It is like he is shunning me.I have asked him if he is done with our relationship and he said no and that he loves me.I thought partners were supposed to be there for each other in rough times.I just feel like I am no good to him really, like a let down and that he isn't into me anymore. Help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 March 2013):
 So far I’ve read that you have forgiven him cheating on you with his ex
Then forgiving him for cheating on you with a few girls on facebook.
So you forgave him and yet you don’t (wisely) trust him. And you are engaged to him.
You gave up your job and moved to be with him. And now that you can’t find a job in this horrid economy he’s blaming you. Are you job hunting daily? Are you running the home (doing the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the errands) all w hile looking for a job? If so then it seems unfair of him, but I’m betting he’s reacting to the stress of not having income while planning a wedding. I know my husband gets stupid horrid when money stress is involved.
You go on to say “He can be quite controlling and is quite aggressive defensive, remembering heat of the moment comments and holding them against you.” So is this a man you want to live with forever? A man who is aggressive and controlling?
You are not the world’s worst girlfriend nor are you a burden. But his lack of support and understanding makes him the worlds’ worst boyfriend and a burden to YOU.
As partners honey, we tend to let our guard down and sadly be on our worst behavior with those we know will take it. My husband when stressed is so abusive that People who see it look at me and mouth “I’m sorry” while he stands there and rants and raves about how bad of a wife I am. What he can’t see is the irony of saying I’m not supportive when I’m standing right there and how foolish it makes HIM look.
To be honest I would not advise a young woman to put up with the crap I put up with. If your man can’t learn coping techniques under stress (therapy can help) then he may not be the man you want/need to spend your life with.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2013): I am with bronzed on this. He has cheated. When the chips are down, how does he treat you? I suspect the only person he loves, is HIMSELF. You can do far better.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (26 March 2013):
 Maybe he feels the glam career girl has now turned into unemployed girl and this seems to be his biggest bother. The thing is, anyone can become unemployed at any time...it could even happen to him and by being mean to you, he's kinda throwing the baby out with the bath water!!
It's clear that your being unemployed is the issue here and maybe he just needs reassuring that you will get another job and he just needs to be more patient!!
The fact that he's not sticking with you through the hard times probably shows he lacks some of the more important qualities. Writing poems is fine but you need a man who will stand by your side through feast and famine...if he cant do that...what else is he going to throw a strop over?
I expect he does love you...he just doesnt love the unemployed part and he's showing it in a very untasteful way.
Do you have somewhere else you could stay until you find another job?...if you are not under his nose maybe he will handle the situation a bit better!!
Good luck on your job hunting, tenacity pays off...something will turn up so keep your chin up!! x
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (26 March 2013):
 "I don't understand what has happened to the affectionate, loving man I knew who cuddled me all the time and sent me love cards and poetry." Are you talking about the same one here? The one who slept with his ex? The one who messaged girls on facebook, whilst you are ever so good to his daughter? You need to start looking at what he really is. You think he isnt that much into you anymore. Well I think he never ever really was that much into you in the first place. That is why you feel unsupported.
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