A
female
age
36-40,
*diVino
writes:Okay, my fiancé and I are set to be married in two weeks. We own a home together and have two beautiful, amazing kids. We have what many consider a "perfect" relationship, as no one has ever seen us argue/fight/be upset with each other, etc. We're getting married on our four year anniversary and I know without any doubt that I love and adore this man, but there's this icky feeling in the back of my mind and I don't know what to do. When we started getting serious, I laid all my baggage out for him. I wanted to give him the chance to walk away if he so chose before I invested my heart and time in the relationship. I had thought he did the same. Things were awesome and wonderful and perfect; after just a few months he told me I was the girl he'd always dreamed of and prayed for. He even said we should elope. I'd never been in a relationship like this and I'd never been this happy. Until one day he told me he had already had a perfect relationship years before. People were jealous of them and how they were always so lovey-dovey and never fought. He said they had a fairy tale romance and that his mom said he should write a book based on all of their love letters. t caught me off guard, but I didn't say anything. Then, a few months later we were talking about being in love before and he said he thought he might have been in love, but she died in a car accident. Fast forward a few more months and he told me he felt guilty being with me and that he felt like he was cheating on his deceased girlfriend with me. I was incredibly hurt and confused. Since then we've tried talking about it but we're not understanding each other. He says he's never compared us, but it's hard for me to believe that, especially because we have fought and we have argued quite a few times during our relationship... He's told me that to him the perfect relationship has absolutely no fighting, ever. The perfect couple never fights. And she died when they were both still young; she was 19 and he was 20. They were supposed to get married and he had bought a house, had a great job and everything they needed to start a life together. He said that she moved to his town and changed him, taught him how to love and they made a pact to never be with anyone else if one of them died somehow. He's a musician and I think she was too, based on what he’s told me. He's told me he wishes I played an instrument or that I knew how to read/understand music so he could talk to me about it. He feels guilty about her death because they were supposed to be together the night before her accident, so if they would've been, she probably wouldn't have been where she was that morning. I'm still slightly hurt that he waited until I was fully into him and had fallen for him to tell me all of this and hurt that he says he’s "not supposed to talk about it" because I get my feelings hurt and because every other girl he's dated got jealous and mad. I know he loves me and our kids, I just worry he'll never be fully happy because of the guilt he feels. He was never able to grieve her death properly because apparently no one realized how much they loved each other because everyone told him to get over it and move on. It happened in 2002, but I feel he's still in love with her and that he wishes the life we have was with her instead of me. She was brought up in conversation a few days ago and things were awkward after that. I hate feeling this way and I hate when he feels bad because of me. What can I do? It's making me doubt that we should get married because I don't want to spend the rest of my life competing with a ghost. Thanks in advance.
View related questions:
anniversary, fiance, jealous, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (26 April 2013):
 Sorry if my judgement of him was harsh, it just sounded like he was putting her on a pedestal, comparing you with her, and refusing to take responsibility and deal with something that should have been dealt with a long time ago. By the sounds of it he has had a very hard time in life and is lucky to have found someone who wants to understand and help him. Glad to hear that he has agreed to counselling. I'm sure it will help him greatly. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2013): OP your initial question you say he is still in love with her, so why not ask him about how she was when alive,put a photo of her in the house,make her visible to you and him.YOU accept her as part of his past.He was successful at 20 had his life planned out,his first love with him but things took a tragic turn.He was very young to have all that, then lose her.I have photos of people I loved who have died,I like to see the smiles but they are gone just as she is. Hope the counselling works because he and you are thinking all women are jealous of a dead girlfriend and that has to be fixed.
...............................
A
female
reader, EdiVino +, writes (25 April 2013):
EdiVino is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, everyone for you insight and advice. We'll be trying our luck with counseling and go from there. We had a pretty deep discussion and he said if I want to talk about his past, we can talk about it. But I feel it'd be easier for us to talk about it if he talks about it with a professional first. I feel I may not have explained the situation and my fiancé in the best, most comprehensive way. He is a good man who has always put me and our children first. The deceased girlfriend is the only issue we've ever had and it's basically because he's always felt it best for both of us if he just never mentions her and represses whatever hurt, pain, or feeling whatsoever about her. The family he grew up in wasn't the best and the environment he grew up in wasn't the best but he is far from selfish, arrogant, and has more respect for me than any man I've ever been with. All he wants is for our children and I to be happy and taken care of. I just want to help him grieve his loss so he can fully move on, without any guilt. He says he's moved on but if he can't talk about her then I feel he still hasn't come to terms with what happened. As far as his ex-wife, family and friends; he was 20 years old, hurting, lost, and confused with no guidance. He met an older woman that manipulated him and took advantage of his tragedy and after they were married, became a completely different person. His father did tell him not to marry her, but his dad is where most of his anger and resentment come from. And the girls he's dated since, I didn't mean he used them. I meant he was never looking for anything serious, but he did CARE about the few women he's dated since her death and me. He didn't mistreat them in anyway. Believe it ir not, a lot if girls will pretend to be a certain way and do a compmete 180 after enough time is invested in the relationship. And I knew the two he dated before me and both were selfish, spoiled, drama queens. But because he wasn't planning on settling down, he was never looking for Mrs. Right. He basically met these girls, hung out a few times, liked them, and dated them with no intentions of the relationship going further than that. No moving in, no joint accounts, no kids, no marriage, etc. But he did open up to them, the ones he dated longer than a year, and when he did, they became jealous and insecure of his deceased girlfriend. Maybe because he told them he didn't want to get married again or have children, I don't know. But my whole concern and why I sought advice is because I love him and I want to help him sort through this and find peace with himself and with moving on and learn how to be supportive to someone who's suffered a loss like this without feeling intimidated or like I'll never measure up.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2013): That's very good he is agreeing to counseling. He will get closure, he just doesn't know it yet. Hopefully a good therapist will sort out everything he is struggling with and what it's time to let go of. He's had a tragic young adult life, there is no doubt, but he can get past it with the right help and support. This is bigger than he or you can handle on your own. Best of luck to you both.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (25 April 2013):
 Hi
You know the more you write and explain, the more I hear alarm bells ringing and red flags flying.I take back my initial advice.
Its far more than a man who has never grieved. Its now supposedly a psycho ex wife, a mother and friends who refused to discuss her or his loss,plus - in your words - dating girls who weren't 'good girls' to avoid becoming involved.
In 4 years you have been ok with all this, accepted him, had 2 children and planned a wedding. But now its a problem?
I would postpone the wedding, you have so many doubts and he is most definitely no catch, he is arrogant with regard to women for a start, happy to use those he thought weren't 'good-girls'.. Everyone else is wrong too,bar him.
Sort out the huge red flags before you walk up the aisle
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2013): He is just not ringing true here, she passed away, he wasn't driving,he wasn't there when it happened.If I was a friend I would be telling him to get a grip too. It's been 10 years now. He has been married since. Had girlfriends.And four years and kids with you.As he is so obsessed with her how can YOU have had children and stayed around for 4 years and say your happy and the perfect couple?Your FAR from a perfect pair.Now 2 weeks from the wedding you suddenly have doubts and maybe he does too. Suddenly his girlfriend who died ten years ago is an issue.Stop the wedding. Sort out the mess.Something is not right here
...............................
A
female
reader, EdiVino +, writes (25 April 2013):
EdiVino is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually yes, he got married about a year after her death (I honestly feel because he never grieved) and his ex-wife was a complete and utter psycho that did deface his deceased girlfriends grave. I've talked to both his parents about the ex-wife. They were married for 6 months and then he had the marriage annulled. Since then, the girls he's dated havent been the greatest because he never intended on getting married again or having children, so he was never looking for a "good girl" so to speak. Just someone to pass the time. But we instantly had a connection when we met and our friendship blossomed into what it is now. And I agree, something doesn't seem right if absolutely no one would talk to him or let him vent, especially their mutual, close friends or his mother. He says they never fought or argued but I'm wondering if he feels guilty for her death because the night before she died, she wanted to go to a party with him but he decided to stay home. The next morning while backing out of her driveway, she was hit and died instantly. Had they attended the party together, she would have been with him at his home. I wonder if they HAD actually disagreed and that's why he didn't go with her and that's where a lot of his guilt and unrealistic attitude of "never fighting" stem from. He's told me that basically wanted someone at the time to listen to him and tell him it wasn't his fault. But all he got was that it was messed up he thought it was his fault in the first place. I know that seems cruel, but his family is, to say the least, unconventional and he dealt with A LOT growing up which is another reason I think she means so much to him; he was full of a lot of anger, resentment and hurt before he met her and she changed him. Obviously for the better. He feels that he's not supposed to talk about it because no one will ever understand how he feels so its best to just repress it and "move on" but if he feels guilty thinking about her or mentioning her or being happy with someone else, he's not moved on. Or if he can't mention anything about her to me without thinking I'll be upset or jealous, then he's still harboring feelings of guilt and regret and hasn't really let go. Or at least, that's how I feel. He's agreed on counseling, but doesn't think it'll help him find any sort of closure. And he does assure me he loves me and wants to marry me. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life being awkward for a week every few months because she was brought up, or feel like I'm constantly being compared. She's immortalized, as is their relationship. I'm human with flaws and insecurities and I can't make him understand how intimidating that can be when he's only given me bits and pieces of the story and only every once in a while. I just want to help him grieve and find peace but he's reluctant.
...............................
A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (25 April 2013):
Yeah I would also try talking to his mum, without him there, to hear her version of events. Only a complete psycho would deface someone's grave because they were jealous of a dead person, so unless he briefly dated a psycho, I find it quite far-fetched that someone would do that. Maybe he is embellishing the story a little bit?And I'm sure his family didn't tell him to "get over it and stop being a wuss". Especially if his mum had gone through the same thing herself, I'm sure she would have been much more empathetic. Something about the whole thing just seems a bit off, and he is milking this. I'm sorry, I mean no disrespect because what happened was tragic enough without even considering any of the circumstances around it or after it, but he's not even trying to deal with it. Can you imagine, 20-30 years down the line, your children are grown up and out of the house and he is still reminiscing about his first "love" who died 40 years previously (having been married to you for far far longer than he ever knew her)? Marriage should be a new start. He's stuck in the past and needs to be willing to work on this aspect of himself. Otherwise it won't be a marriage based on trust and respect.
...............................
A
female
reader, EdiVino +, writes (24 April 2013):
EdiVino is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe's said that in the past, even right after her death, he couldn't talk to anyone. Not even his family. Everyone just told him to get over it and quit being a wuss. And since then, every time he's tried to just talk about it, he gets shutdown or girls get jealous (one even defaced her grave out of jealousy and spite) or they use it against him. I admit, the little bits and pieces he's told me through the course of our relationship I have gotten slightly jealous but I feel it's because he doesn't tell me everything. Just how wonderful she was, how perfect, how she was different than everyone else, etc., etc. But all in all, I just want to be supportive and to be the one person he can talk to. He says most of all he feels guilty, like its his fault she died. And he sometimes wonders what would have happened if she were still alive. I've too wondered if he's somewhat glorifying their relationship because he was young and she was his first love and because she died prematurely. And yes, now he realizes that the pact they made was silly and that if it were him instead of her, he'd want her to move on and be happy. The biggest issue we have is that it's basically the elephant in the room and we're both careful with what we say to the other and what we don't say. He catches himself when he starts to talk about her but mostly just avoids talking about her altogether. He loves me, but I'm worried he can't fully be invested in us until he's had closure with her. He agreed to counseling if that's what I want but doubts talking to someone will give him closure and peace with her death. He moved to my home state a few years after she died, so our home is OUR home. He basically came here to start over. And he tried to talk to his mother because apparently she went through the same exact thing, but had two kids with her lost love but even she didn't understand and was no help to talk to. So that makes me wonder what he's not telling me about their relationship if aboslutely NO ONE thought he should've been as hurt as he was. Thank you again for all of your insight! It is most appreciated!
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 April 2013):
 Well you already have the house and the kids so you might as well marry him with all his current baggage anyway. I know telling you to call off the wedding is fruitless anyway. Is the house you live in the house he bought to be with her? IF so , SELL THE HOUSE and buy a new one… even if you have to buy a smaller house… GET OUT OF THE HOUSE HE BOUGHT FOR HER! I own a lovely townhome. I have lived in it for over 20 years. My current husband has paid to renovate it and we live in it temporarily. He wants (no he INSISTS) us to move to a new place that is OURS not MINE. NOT mine I had with previous husbands. I bought it on my own but I have had prior husbands live in it with me. I love my home and it makes no sense to sell it but because he is not comfortable being there and I love him and his comfort is more important to me than where I live, we will sell it and buy OUR home.
Here’s the things that stand out to me.
1. All couples disagree on things. The fact that they NEVER disagreed on anything is a huge red flag to me. Maybe he thinks “perfect couples” never fight so he recalls it that way, maybe they never did fight, but they were 19 and 20 there was not a lot to fight about. A couple that is very volatile and fights all the time is no better than a couple that never fights… but part of being a couple is figuring out how to cope with disagreements. If a couple never figures out how to work with dissent in the ranks they have not really worked out fully being a couple.
2. Promising to never be with anyone if their one true love dies before them is a crock. “they made a pact to never be with anyone else if one of them died somehow” oh spare me the drama. TRUE love is my mother after 45 years of marriage at age 58 lying on her death bed (literally) BEGGING my father who was hysterical crying to PROMISE HER that he would REMARRY. THAT my dear is true love. She was more worried about him being ALONE with her dying, than if he loved her. AND my father in his grief and through his tears promised her he would NOT be alone. He has refused to marry as she requested but he is far from alone. He has a lovely partner for the last nearly 18 years that he met shortly after my mother died. AND while he does not marry her, they share a home, and I consider her my stepmother fully. His loving her does not in any way diminish the fact that he loved my mother (and they were 16 and 19 when they met)
3. The fact that he did not tell you this all at once, that he kept her a secret and then when he did start telling you about her he drags it out in dribs and drabs instead of laying it all out at once. It’s like pulling teeth from him. NOT a good sign. Have you asked his mother about it? I would. I would do it when he is not around and get her input on it.
4. You say that he said you were the girl he always had dreamed of and prayed for. I assume this was before he told you that he had already had the perfect relationship years before. So what made him bring that up after telling you that you were perfect? He says that people were jealous of them.. how does he know this… I’m wondering if his perceptions of the relationship are colored by her untimely death? And then a few month later he says he MIGHT have been in love? Well which is it buddy? It was a perfect relationship and everyone was jealous of and you were in love with your “one and only or “you might have been in love” See that makes no sense to me that he changes his story. He says he might have been in love in one breath and then he says “she taught me to love” so again WHICH IS IT… see his memory is faulty which leads me to believe he is remembering other things the way he wants to as well. Hence why I think talking to his mom may shed some light on it.
5. He says he never compares you and he feels guilty… both could be true. I have never compared one partner to another each is different. The problem is that he has this pie in the sky belief that perfect relationships don’t have disagreements or fights. He would be wrong. If you suppress your own feelings and needs so that you never fight with your partner you are not being healthy and at 19 it’s very possible she did that. He will never know. He has her at perfect age 19 when she may have stuffed her feelings to make him happy. He does not know. Consider that Marilyn Monroe died at the height of her beauty and popularity… do you think she would still be that perfect ICON had she lived to be 65 with sagging breasts and a bit of a belly (she would have gained weight as she had aged)? NO, she would have fallen off the perfect young icon pedestal. His dead 19 yr old girlfriend is up there with Marilyn. Forever perfect. And you can’t compete with a ghost.
6. He can talk to you about his music. You do not have to read music or play an instrument to be interested in his music to appreciate his music. That’s an excuse he’s using to hold you at arm’s length. I can’t sing. I can’t read music, I do not play an instrument. I have a grand appreciation for many types of music and can discuss them at length. Same for dance or movies. NOT having a skill for something does not mean you are ignorant about it.
7. For a man who loved her so perfectly and promised he would be alone forever if she died, he’s dated enough women to say they are all jealous and mad. I do not think they are all jealous. I would not be jealous of what he had with a girl of 19 ten years ago. I would feel sad for him that he lost his first love and he never allowed himself to grieve and move on, but to think I would be jealous of her, no way. Maybe his ideas of what jealousy is are skewed? Jealousy is not about love, rather it’s about insecurity. Why in the world would I be insecure about a former love? Even if it was “perfect” (which trust me it was not)
8. He feels guilty because they were supposed to be together the night before and they were not and if they were MAYBE she would not have died? Yeah once I did not go with my then boyfriend for a ride in his newly repaired Lotus. He showed up at my door at 2 a.m hysterical, cut and bleeding. He had totaled the car and the support beam had gone through the head rest of the passenger seat…. Had I been in the car with him I would have been decapitated. He just kept saying “what if you had been with me like you were supposed to be?” YOU cannot live with WHAT Ifs. And the fact that he does means he’s trying to hold on to this for some reason. He hides behind her, and her death.
He did not tell you in a timely manner and that would make me very angry with him. He does not feel bad BECAUSE of you, he feels bad IN SPITE Of you. If HE feels he has not grieved her properly then maybe he needs to work this through. It’s a bit late two weeks before the wedding to deal with it but if you want to put the wedding off and can do that… make it so. I’m not sure I would or could do that.
But trust me, what he remembers is probably NOT reality for anyone but him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): I'd say you need to come right out and ask him frankly if he is ready to take vows with you.You have a home and kids and have been together with no other problems for 4 years so I suspect that he is as ready as it gets...But for his own consolation and to help him mentally commit himself to your relationship forever - give him the opportunity to reflect on this question. Is he ready to take his vows with you?Reassure him how much you love him and want nothing more than for you to be happy together.And then commiserate with him, how you will never understand how hard it was for him to lose his first love, how it must be hard to be happy now without a guilty conscience, hard to be satisfied without wondering if things would have been ever better if his ex had survived. Tell him how you could never imagine how hard it must be for him especially with the wedding coming up. It sounds melodramatic 10 years on doesn't it?That's because it is!And he'll realise this as you say it. He will feel validated in his feelings but he will also realise that actually, he's holding onto a fantasy at the expense of something real. He will realise that you love him enough to not want to push you if he's not ready. And then he will stop focusing on her so much.*CAUTION* Please be sincere when you say the above or else it will have the opposite effect. You don't want it to sound like you're mocking him, so mean it when you say you don't understand and be sympathetic.Also, to echo the other aunts, disagreeing is a normal and healthy part of relationships. It is vital that he realises this so that he doesn't panic and call it quits when you have your first big disagreement. I can only imagine how much this is making you anxious but please speak to a best friend or a sister or someone else who will give you a cuddle when you need it. It will eat you up inside if you don't have someone who knows you validating your own feelings.Good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): Two weeks to go before the big day and he is still grieving over his x who has died. Why did you let it go this long? He needs professional help yesterday. This is truly a big issue in a relationship. And you believe he wishes he was still with her? Where in the hell is that going to leave you and your feelings and emotions? You have to suffer because he cant forget his x? Stop the proceedings right away and let him go. Its been more than ten years since her death and he hasn't gotten over her yet? He may never let her go. You don't have to accept this at all. Get out of this one sided love affair with a dead x. Your a warm and loving woman who deserves a whole man not a part of a man who is still in love with a ghost. What the hell? Don't short change yourself. None of this is your fault and you shouldn't have to suffer because of his problem. Move forward as quickly as you can.
...............................
A
female
reader, EdiVino +, writes (24 April 2013):
EdiVino is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, everyone, for your responses. And yes, the first time he mentioned her he did not say she had passed. I wouldn't necessarily say he's trying to change me or control me, he does think I'm perfect in my own way and he compliments me all the time. But there are times hea says he wishes I liked certain things or that my personality was a little more outgoing and it makes me wonder if thats how she was. The reason we never talk about her and the relationship is because in the past, he's been shut down and other girlfriends have gotten really upset and jealous and used it against him. I've tried explaining I want to be his rock and be supportive of him and his grieving, but I don't think we're understanding each other. In no way do I want him to say he loves me more or that I'm better or anything like that nor do I want him to stop loving her or thinking of her, I just hate feeling like every time he finds himself truly happy with our life he stops himself because of her. Again, he is very good to me and our kids and it probably seems like I'm making a big deal out of nothing but I've completely opened up to him and am entirely vulnerable with him so it hurts that not only will he not talk with me about this but that he's basing how he thinks I'll react from his past relationships. And the little we have talked about it, he doesn't try to understand why I feel the way I feel, like when he told me he felt he was being unfaithful to her by being with me. How am I supposed to respond to that? It had been almost 10 years. I could understand if it had only been 1 or 2, but 10? And he can't understand why that hurt to hear and bothered me. I'm going to suggest we try premarital counseling and I've suggested grief counseling in the past, but he's never given me a straight answer on it. Again, thanks so much. Your answers have made me feel a lot better about the way he remembers her and their relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): Don't compete with a ghost, embrace it.He was young, with a young first love, and people usually remember their first love. It was tragic and nobody has directions on how to cope with a loss and everyone grieves differently. This is surfacing now, because you are getting married.The thinking of those two was sweet, cute, innocent and romantic at that time. But as a mature adult, that conversation would have likely been different. It would have been very selfish of either of them to make a pact to not be with anyone else if one died if they were older. I think it would be more like, if I die, I do not want you to be miserable, lonely or alone for the rest of your life. I want you to be happy and find someone to love again and share your life with. And if she could talk to him now, she would probably tell him this. He is struggling with guilt, reality, love and logic.You are both naive in believing or thinking that marriages are perfect and what makes them perfect is because there is no fighting. You know what? There are going to be challenges, difference of opinion and life events that test the best of the best relationships. Marriage is work, it grows, it changes and with love, communication and respect, they can thrive, but it takes work and commitement. You both seem to have this, but there is going to come a day when an argument surfaces. And how you both handle it and resolve it determines what kind of marriage you will have. Trying to maintain or achieve "perfect" is seriously setting both of you up for failure and disappointment.If the two of you are quietly going off and getting married by a judge or something, just put it off for a while and allow him to work through this difficult time for him....perhaps he should have an opportunity to talk to someone professionally. This is a big deal, but it does not mean he loves you any less. He just needs to grieve and have closure and for someone to explain that his feelings are valid and why it's all coming up now. Try not to be insecure or make this about you, because I promise you, it's not. There doesn't need to be any jealousy towards a girl in his past who died. The most important thing is that he is communicating all of this with you, so don't be threatened by what he is saying. Encourage and support him to talk to someone professionally, because it will be worth it for both of you.He is not going to get this resolved in two weeks. It's going to take some time. If you are willing to go through it with him, then I see no reason why you cannot follow through on your wedding plans.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 April 2013):
 Honestly, I wouldn't marry him til he has gotten some grief counseling and til he is FULLY aboard you to getting married isn't an affront to the memory of this ex GF.
One thing though, He might think that relationship was perfect, that they NEVER argued and all that jazz, because THAT is how he has decided to keep the memories of her. Not that I blame him, but it does give him an impossible standard for a GF and makes it even harder for you to be accepted for WHO you are, not for how he thinks you should be (perfect like her).
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): I can't quite follow this. He was in love and ready to be married to a previous partner, they had a 'perfect' relationship and she taught him how to love, but he's not sure if he's been in love before! They had a pact never to be with anyone else if either of them died, but every other girl he's dated since was jealous and got their feelings hurt!I'm not sure what he's playing at. Maybe the up coming wedding is bringing his old feelings to the surface as he got to this point before. Maybe he's getting cold feet, who knows?If it happened over 10 years ago, he really should have moved on by now. He's had a decade to grieve, who stopped him from doing so? You won't be able to compete with his memories of his previous 'perfect' partner. It sounds like the relationship was new and they never got to the more mundane, everyday ups and downs. She died whilst everything was still fresh and happy, if she'd lived the relationship may not have lasted and probably wouldn't have stayed 'perfect'. Real life just can't compete with that.I'd see if he is prepared to go to therapy and postpone the wedding until things have settled and you have a better idea of where you both stand.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (24 April 2013):
Hi
Your his future,she is his past. You have 2 children together and are in love.
Could be he has never grieved or that the happiness he feels now reminds him of what he felt for her.Had she lived they may have split up by now,moved onto new lovers, but because she died their relationship is frozen how it was.
Perhaps he should talk to a professional, it could help resolve his guilt. I don't think he loves her more,or compares you,just the memory of her is frozen in that time.
You need to tell him how it makes you feel,tell him your doubts. I don't think you have anything but a long marriage ahead of you but you need to sort this out before the wedding.
...............................
A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (24 April 2013):
This is a very difficult call for you as the wedding is just 2 weeks away.I think you are quiet right that he never grieved properly for tis girl.Now if you decide to get married in 2 weeks and if this continued with him you could suggest that he might see a counsellor and get some help on this matter.But do remember as you stated she is only a ghost of the PAST and in time with with help this will fade and just become a happy memory.Kind Wishes Nora B.
...............................
A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (24 April 2013):
I know that never fighting must seem like a "perfect" relationship but in my eyes that's a bit of a red flag. Even people who love each other and have things in common disagree about things and if a couple never ever fights, it means that someone is holding back and not saying what s/he is thinking, and that's not good, so if you are worried about the fact that you've had fights, don't be. What you should be worried about, however, is the way he's using this woman's tragic death to try to change you. By talking about how wonderful and perfect she was, he is making you feel inferior, because how can anyone possibly compete with an ex who was perfect AND is dead? Impossible. Because of the circumstances, you feel guilty bringing it up and I'm sure he knows that. His behaviour is very disturbing to me. Also, the fact that the first time he told you about her, he didn't even mention she had died (have I understood this right?). It sort of makes me think that he's drip-feeding you this story to try to control you. Maybe I am reading too much into this and being unfair to him but that's how it looks to me. However, having someone you love die so young must be unbearable and he's only going to remember the good parts. I'm sure if he went back in time to the relationship, it wasn't actually perfect and she wasn't perfect, and they disagreed about stuff, but he's not going to remember or admit that. You need to have a serious talk with him. Let him know that you are there for him if he feels sad and wants to talk about her, but he needs to stop comparing the two of you.
...............................
|
