A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hey there!So Ive been with my boyfriend for a year(to keep people anonymous we can call him bob) and I wasn't a virgin when I met him, but he was when we started dating. We've had sex more than a few times but he admitted to me some months ago he's not ready to have kids(beginning of university) and so it gives him huge anxiety to have sex with me and he could never enjoy it. I'm on birth control and we always use condoms but bob can't see past that because accidents can happen. I see where he's coming from the whole "if you don't want babies don't have sex" and I don't pressure him to do anything because that's obviously unethical. The problem I have here is I really enjoy having sex and I always have. He's a great guy and I really do love him, but this has been a growing problem for me and now i feel guilty everyday for wanting to push him into it or I think about sex with another guy. I feel guilty because I want to break up with him, I know I won't because In the long run the type of person he is everything I could ever ask for, but I can't help but to think I'm missing out. I guess the advice I'm asking for is, should I feel guilty for not wanting to be with him just because I want to have sex and he doesn't?
View related questions:
condom, sex with another, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 December 2016):
 I do see where he is coming from, but he is being very responsible for his age. But it does sound like he is having anxiety over this. Would he go to a professional with you to talk about it? There is no harm in you wanting sex. It's natural in a relationship. I know you are young but it's okay to want to be intimate. Talk to him, see if he will see a therapist with you to talk about his worries.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (18 December 2016):
 Well, if you want to have sex and he doesn't, that's a real problem. Married people leave each other over such a thing. You have to choose whether you want to stay with him this way, or not. Only you can decide that.
I was wondering whether I should say that this sounds like an excuse, but then I noticed someone else did, so there's no harm in my saying this. It sounds like an excuse. I don't know many 17 year olds who will give up sex if they are using a condom and their girl is on contraceptives, too. Heck, I don't know of many 17 year olds who give up on sex at all, contraception or not.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 December 2016):
 Actually, I think he is being smart. I think that when you say that you see where he is coming from, you are just being politically correct, but you really don't. You seem not to realize that there are differences among unplanned , unwanted pregnacies, and differenr degrees of " unwantedness " . If a pregnancy is undesirable because , say, it will prevent you from travelling... you won't get that coveted promotion at work.. you will have to tighten your belts : no more money for a new car or weekend getaways or new clothes.... then a baby would be a monkey wrench thrown into your plans , but one would still choose , probably, to run the very minimal risk you are still exposed to when using both the pill ( or the coil,the shot , etc. ) and condoms .
But when a pregnancy can seriously, totally , definitely, wreak havoc in your life and kill your chances and plans for the future you are building .... then no, you can't, at least you should not, risk at all. No even a 0,01% risk. " Bob is not much older than you , I suppose, and understandably he does not want to end up like the guy in Bruce Springsteen 's " The River " : " And for my 19th birthday I got an union card and a wedding coat " (.. read all the song, it's a very sad, and very lifelike story ).
So, should you feel guilty for what you feel ? No; you are not doing it on purpose to be mean to Bob, of course. You feel what you feel , even if it is not the most admirable or unquestionable of feelings.
BUT, you have to ask yourself what to do with these feelings, and what they say about the place of this relationship in your life.
For instance, you think about having sex with other guys and this is sort of inevitable, I guess, due to your state of frustration, but- how really vulnerable to temptation you are ? Is it just a fantasy, or are you actually tempted IRL ? How good you are with controlling your impulses and just saying no :)- and , most of all, do you think that Bob is WORTH the impulse control effort ?
Also, there is nothing wrong ,obviously, with liking penetrative sex,with liking it a lot. But- being that you and Bob do not have to totally deprive yourselves sexually, and can be intimate and reach orgasms and feel fulfilled in other ways- then, at the end of the day, it won't be by any chance that you love penetrative sex much MORE than you love Bob?
That would not be " bad " either- there's no law which says that you MUST fall in love and commit at 16/17 . You are young, you are just finding out what you want from a partner and in a relationship , and maybe for you regular,frequent intercourse is a non-negotiable. Which is fine, but... do not penalize poor Bob. Meaning, do not string him along, maybe at this time in your life you two are not compatible, because of your different sexual agendas, and you just both need to accept it and part ways ? And most of all- do not cheat on him. Be honest with yourself, and if you feel there is a chance that you may stray.. be considerate and leave Bob , before. Being dumped will hurt him less than being cheated on.
...............................
A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (15 December 2016):
 You shouldn't feel guilty that you want sex, not guilty that you fantasize about it and if you don't want to loose your man then be sure you don't cheat.
On the other hand, there are other ways he could sexually please you that does not involve him ejaculating inside your vagina so that you don't get pregnant. He could use his hands, do an oral, use toys and vibrators on you along with cuddling and kissing. In turn, you could get him off with a BJ or hand. Experiment with these things and find what suits both of you.
Nor is your guy the only one who avoids sex because of pregnancy issue. His view is similar to mine when I was a teenager and pretty much now: if I can't raise a kid, can't afford a kid and the kid will not have a proper mom and dad, then I ain't making one.
So for disparity nor feel guilty but seek other ways to satisfy your sexual temptations.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2016): I cant help thinking that you are being sexually abused at home and as this isnt likely to stop without intervention you are looking for a boyfriend to exonerate the perpetrator.This is unnecessary as you could tell your doctor and have the adult arrested for his sex crimes, instead of trying to pass off your next pregnancy as this boys responsibility.Or if you are afraid to involve the police you could ask the doctor to get you a social worker who will sort you out a flat and a mentor and some financial help.At sixteen most teenagers are just starting out. They get pregnant before they even really function sexually which is why teenage pregnancies force a girl to grow up quickly.Then they start worrying aboutthe future.So they need extra help.They dont tend to flamboyantly demand a sex life!They sometimes take time to jump in deeper.And you dont love this guy! Already you see he wont fit the role youve got planned for him.So talk things over with a doctor and see if you can get a different lifestyle going where you dont try to trap anyone in order to cover up!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2016): Your bf should be admired for his responsible and mature atitude regarding sex. I somehow remember was like him during my university years. I Would be in constant tension waiting for my gf's period whenever we had sex that month. I also would like to correct the notion some of the aunts seem to have that there are alternatives to penetrative sex. From male perspective there is no alternative, that is why men always attempt to culminate it with penetrative sex.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (15 December 2016):
 People tend to ignore the idea that sex is risky for men and focus only on the risk for the woman. One forgotten pill and one ruptured condom and he is in for 19 years of indentured servitude. Obviously your guy is well aware of his risks and at his age is making a reasonable decision. If you cannot abide his decision the the relationship is really all about the sex for you and you need to move on and find someone who is sexually compatible with you.
FA
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2016): You are possibly not the correct partner for each other.
You are so young, only 16yrs to 17 yrs old, technically a minor and yet you are writing as if you are 25 and have been living with a guy previously.
At your young age how did you get used to having a full sex life!
And why on earth would a seventeen year old even be able to say "I dont want to pressure him for sex!"
The concept is mindblowing but perhaps you have a young child already and are looking for someone to father another and foot the bill for the entire family for life!
If I was connected to the uni guy i would tell him to run for cover.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 December 2016):
 You know what, I've gone through the exact same thing, except we were older than you. I was 25 and he was 24, but he was a virgin too when we became a couple, and I wasn't. At the time I was going on Isotretinoin, which can cause serious harm to a fetus, so there was no way I could risk getting pregnant. Due to this, we used both birth control AND condoms. And we had sex, sure, but just like your boyfriend says, mine also got scared of pregnancy.
After I was done with the treatment of Isotretinoin, we no longer would have to use both condoms and birth control, because honestly birth control IS good enough by itself, I never miss a pill and never had an accident. But my boyfriend was shit scared of pregnancies and didn't really believe it to be safe enough.
What we ended up doing was going to the clinic and talking to a doctor who specializes in birth control/gynecology. This was one of those free clinics for young adults and teenagers to get free help for sexual diseases or guidance to have safe sex and get free condoms etc. Don't know if you have those clinics?
Anyway, I brought him with me to see the doctor, and had her explain to him how it all works, and what's safe and what isn't, and why. He had so many questions, and we ended up sitting with that poor doctor for an HOUR. Thank goodness it was a free clinic, otherwise I could not have afforded that, lol! After an hour of questions and explanations, he finally had his mind at rest having heard good answers from a professional. It put him to rest, really.
He still needed some time to let it all sink in, and I tried not to pressure him (but after all we did still have sex although with both condom and birth control, but I get sore from condoms so that isn't really good for me in the long run). Eventually, he had thought about ut long enough and we were fine to have sex with just birth control.
We DID talk about what would happen if I got pregnant by accident, though. In excruciating detail. He needed to know.
I have heard of other men who refuse to ejaculate inside their girlfriend also, for the same fear. So it's not really that uncommon. But I think in his case, as in my ex boyfriends case, they are so new to it all they just need to get used to it and think about it and get comfortable about it. He will be comfortable about it, I am sure! In due time. Question is if you are patient enough to wait.
In the meantime, you and him should enjoy other forms of sex and not intercourse. That would be a good way to see if he's afraid of sex in general (could be he's just not mentally ready for sex at all) or if he's genuinely concerned about pregnancy. You can't get pregnant from cuddling, fingering, oral sex, hand jobs etc. There are many fun things to do that does not include intercourse.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (15 December 2016):
 I think you both may have rushed things and he's not actually ready for sex. Try asking about sticking to oral and hands only, to see if he'd feel more comfortable with that.
Thing is, you are still young and it is refreshing to see someone not really want sex yet, but it's also good you're using two forms of contraception each time.
Lots of us have to compromise in relationships and this may be one you have to compromise in for a while to see if you're still happy with him, even if you're waiting to have penetrative sex.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (15 December 2016):
 Wow, how refreshing to have someone so young being so responsible.
However, as you are using birth control AND use a condom (well done, both of you, for doing that), the chances of an accident are so negligible that I do wonder if that is really his real excuse for not having sex or whether he has other issues or anxieties.
As Honeypie has already said, there are other ways of satisfying your need for intimacy. In fact, these are BETTER ways usually for a woman because few women orgasm from penetration alone. Given your ages, this is a chance to get to know each other's bodies intimately and what turns you on. If your boyfriend is reluctant to go this route, then there is some other issue, not just unwanted pregnancy.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 December 2016):
 There ARE other forms of sex than "penis in vagina" like oral which doesn't get you pregnant. Or sticking to using hands on each other.
Personally, I get his point of view. I actually think it's RARE that a YOUNG guy is choosing the abstinence route over the let's have sex and hope we will be OK!
Is he overthinking it? Probably. But I can't fault his way of thinking.
Do I think you are missing out? Not really. You went the MAJORITY of your life not having sex, so not having it for a while is not going to harm you.
However, in the long run, is this going to work? Maybe, maybe not, because there will ALWAYS be an excuse to NOT have sex. He isn't done with Uni, He just got a new job, you aren't married yet, YOU are in Uni or whatnot, HE wants to travel....
So maybe you need to consider how long you are willing to put sex on hold for (if at all).
And no, you shouldn't feel bad for missing sex. But I don't think he should change (nor do I think he can) his mind.
...............................
|
