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Do I choose now or later ?

Tagged as: Dating, Online dating, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 December 2016) 4 Answers - (Newest, 15 December 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I have a bit of a complicated love life. You wait a long time for 1 to come along and then 2 come along . Man A is a very distant friend whos more of a facebook friend ( we have met ) he holds hands and kisses in public and the regular stuff couples would do , but he does dither about making plans with people plus hes overweight . His weight is only an issue because i dont want him to die young , ok now Man B he is in a healthier way but he doesnt like kissing or holding hands in public and he does commit to plans . Man A has said we see how things go after the weekend and then maybe we can be a couple , Man B said he wants to sort his head out because hes got a young child from an ex and for us to meet new year ( it could be because he wants to have fun over xmas fair enough weve not know each other a long time and maybe he wants to be 100 % sure its what he wants with me ) i know if man A cancels hes known to drag his feet and doesnt always seem to be 100 % about everything and could possibly say the same thing to me again in a couple of week meet and see how things are . i can see myself with either of these men . i know people will say see how it goes with man A first because im meeting him first , should i go on another date with both and risk losing both then decide or just decide now ?

View related questions: facebook, kissing, overweight

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (15 December 2016):

chigirl agony auntYou need to decide not, because you are at the point where you are stringing these men on. Guy A sounds like a dead weight, to be honest, I don't care for him at all. People who can't stick to plans are just being rude. It's like flipping the finger and saying "whatever". So no, I wouldn't even consider man A, because not being able to stick to the plans and not knowing what you want is a deal breaker. Trust me lady, I've been there done that with men who don't know what they want, and they NEVER know what they want. Not now, not ever. So drop guy A.

Guy B, just see how it goes. You don't really know him well enough yet, but he commits to a plan and that's worth gold. He might not be everything you want, after all, but he shows far more potential than flaky guy A.

Think of it this way, what is better? A man who kisses in public, but only at the few times he's bothered to show up, will cancel plans, doesn't know what he wants, but sure enough kisses in public the random times you get to see him... Or a man who shows up when you have agreed to, doesn't kiss in public, but who knows what he does when the two of you are alone.... ;) At least you can count on him to be there for you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 December 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI fully agree with WiseOwlE

Neither seems like a great long term option. You aren't really attracted to #1 and #2 is not at a place where he should be dating, he has WAY too much drama that needs to be sorted out first. He shouldn't even have approached you. Seems like he wants to "reserve" you for later use... but right now he doesn't have the time and doesn't want to make that effort... you are really OK with that? To go sit on your hand till he MAYBE sorts out his life? Sorry, that is a waste of time in my book. I could understand if he had a couple of months overseas he had to finish or something, but this guy JUST isn't ready to date due to DRAMA he was part in creating himself.

Man A... he drags is feet and he is known to flake - obvious signs that he isn't THAT interested in a serious relationship.

So I'd toss them both and go back to "fishing".

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (15 December 2016):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntWhy are you settling for either of these two characters? Neither sound great, to be honest.

Keep your options open. If they want to date you occasionally and you are willing to do that, then go for it, but don't commit or get tied down to either.

Get out there, make new friends, meet new people. Somewhere there is a man who will be willing and able to have the sort of relationship that you want. Don't settle for something that will "do".

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (15 December 2016):

Man A is a distant friend, more of a Facebook friend; so you say. Do you feel romantic-feelings for him, or just like going through the motions of romance? I tend to believe his weight is more of an issue than you care to be honest about; but a guy who drags his feet; as far as I'm concerned, that's a deal-breaker.

Kissing and hand-holding doesn't really mean much. It may only be an empty prelude to sex. Straight out of the player's handbook: "If you think she wants to get lovey-dovey and seems needy, give it to her to compensate for your otherwise lack of enthusiasm for taking her out."

If a guy is too laxed in showing you respect, and doesn't commit to plans; he probably has only one thing in mind. Getting you in the sack.

If his weight bothers you, be honest about it. You're not committed to the guy, and you have a right to have a preference regarding physical attributes and fitness. You don't have to settle for the sake of political-correctness.

If his looks were your primary concern, then you're being superficial. In this case, you don't seem to be that at all.

The other guy, Man B, sounds like he already has his holiday planned out, and you're not necessarily included. He's got looming baby-mama drama and potential child-custody issues; which are problem only going to escalate when she finds out he's dating. You had best determine if he and his ex are amicable, there are no dark-clouds hanging above, and he pays his child-support on-time.

When you have a choice of two, and can't make up your mind; then you eliminate according to pros and cons. To be honest, I don't see either candidate as that outstanding.

The guy with a kid isn't affectionate, and he's up in the air about you anyway. Like, "wait a little; I'll get back to you!" Seems he'd find a way to work you into his plans. Wouldn't you think? Single-people look for someone to share the holidays with; not put them on hold until the New Year!

His head should be sorted out before he starts dating anyway. That's a red-flag that he's got to run-it by Ms. Ex first, to make sure she won't flip-out.

If you're looking for something leading to a calm and committed-relationship, I'd eliminate both.

You're settling only because you've been waiting a long-time due to a dry-spell. So you're considering the lesser of two evils, between two men who's hearts aren't really in it.

Seriously, girl?!!

Either is okay for an occasional night-out, maybe a dinner-date. Keep it casual, and absolutely no sex.

I'd toss both of them behind the friend-zone, and move on.

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