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Any advise on this relationship will be welcome.

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Health, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 September 2017) 8 Answers - (Newest, 16 September 2017)
A male United States age 41-50, *st454 writes:

I met a woman online about 2 yrs ago where she had posted she was divorced but was actually still married and her husband left her and was seeking a divorce. I told her she needed to finish her divorce before we could date because I don’t date married women. She then began coming around unexpectedly and showing up at my door which I told her she couldn’t do but she continued to do anyway. Another reason we could not date is because she was not a Christian. She fought me against being a Christian until one day I happened to look over and see her with her four daughters in my church. I later attributed this to her checking up on me to see if I was at church with anyone else. I told her I was not happy about her stalking me like this. She then joined my church despite the fact it was nowhere close to her home. She was persistent to say the least.

After her divorce was final, she continued and I wasn’t dating anyone so I thought, “If she’s going to be this persistent then let’s see where this goes.” Before I go any further, she has been married three times with I believe all of them leaving her. I know of at least one marriage where she had an affair. She also had a live-in failed engagement which she refuses to call a “marriage” although I’ve argued what the difference was since they were living as a couple with her children. I call it four marriages. In her last marriage, she said she and her husband had three counselors quit on them. She has two older daughters from one marriage and two younger daughters from her latest marriage. Fast forward another year later after we’ve begun dating and I’ve never questioned why men have left her. I have 14 Facebook friends (really relatives) and don’t use Facebook yet she insisted I friend her. I explained I didn’t want to and she persisted. I agree and immediately she jumps into examining my “friends – family” I must have added from years ago. She wanted to know who this person was, how I know her, why I had her as a friend. I explained she was a cousin I hadn’t seen in 30 years. She went so far as to investigate everyone. Fast forward, I find she has a bunch of single male friends that are on her Facebook page and she tells me “they are just friends” though they only “like” photos of her and none of me with her or her with her kids. I then find her chatting with old male friends about her past relationships from college – none of which would be ok for me even though my “friends” include only cousins and my mother.

In another instance, I suggested that she and I go see La La Land since I knew she liked dancing. Instead, she decided to take one of her daughters and invited me within one-minute notice of the movie starting and let her daughter believe it was her idea. She has made plans with her girlfriends and when they have fallen through then asks if I’m available though she doesn’t make plans with me. After all of this persistence in trying to date me she seems to now have no idea how to treat a relationship. I should mention that we went to counseling also and the counselor did ask her, “Do you know what a relationship is?”

Probably one of the worst things that happened was that she got drunk and pushed me in my home slurring her speech and telling me how much better at 45 yrs old she is than any woman who is 20. I asked her to stop and she pushed me and it got physical while our children were with us. I asked her to please stop and that she needed to leave and she refused. I was bleeding from both of my arms where she had grabbed me. I threatened to call the police once and she still refused to leave. Her daughters pleaded with her. My children were scared. I finally had to call the police and she was removed. They said I would have to file charges and she would be arrested to be able to document the scratches and blood. Not wanting to have her daughters picked up, I declined to have her arrested. Over the following weekend, I never even received a thank you for not having her arrested or an apology.

She’s asked me to setup meetings with my female co-workers so she could introduce herself. She has called me a loser, beer bellied, chicken legged, and then afterward didn’t apologize but when confronted about her words she said she was drunk. She got drunk and tore up my closet, knocked mirrors off the wall and then left my home. When I confronted her about it she said she mistook my closet for the bathroom. But she never apologized or offered to fix it. She investigated some of my exes and sent their pics to her daughters and asked them to compare her to them. I asked her in the middle of an argument to break the cycle of the argument, “How can I pray for you today?” Her answer was, “What? You don’t pray for me every day?” I once asked her to tell me more about her daily life with her girls and how she makes that all work, and her response was “I’m not going through it all again. I’ve told you before. Can’t you create a spreadsheet for their schedules?” She admitted deceiving her second husband into having a second child with intentions to divorce him – she said. But then she had an affair and I suppose he divorced her first. I had coffee shops bookmarked on my Yelp page so I can try them out because I am a reader and like to sit and read and drink coffee on weekends.

She saw my bookmarks and because of this called me a deceitful bastard and she would never take me back. She has added me as a family member on Amazon for Prime. When we fight she removes me. She has a board on her Pinterest pages that say,”Loving [my name]” and when we fight she takes them down. And it’s a vicious cycle of putting them back up and taking them down. I can go on and on about the numbers of ridiculous things that happen. Everything I read indicates extreme narcissism. My question to you and this forum from a woman’s perspective is – what is this relationship? She has never once complained to me about any of my behavior or actions. The only arguments we’ve had which seem to be weekly is in regard to her behavior. I’ve said all of this and much much more to her and I’ve told her repeatedly how she treats me and she comes back and says things like, “Why don’t you just love me?” or “I still love you.” I have not even held back on my words to her knowing that I’ve never said the things I’ve said to another human being first, to determine if she even has a pulse as to the horrible things I’ve said and second, because I thought if I said the worst of the worst things to her that she would know its over. Yet afterwards, I will still get, “I still love you.” What is this nonsense? To me she is the most beautiful woman in the world and she is my perfection.

Relationally she seems to be the worst. Not just with me, with her exes, four marriages, and her second oldest daughter even punched her and now they are in counseling. By the way, the oldest daughter and her have also been to counseling. The only two people in her life that haven’t gone to counseling with her are the 3 and 4 yr old who don’t know any better yet. Any advice, truth and honesty you give would be well appreciated. Thank you!

View related questions: affair, christian, co-worker, cousin, divorce, drunk, facebook, her ex, her past, my ex, stalking

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A male reader, tst454 United States +, writes (16 September 2017):

tst454 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

My apologies. I wrote that too quick and didn't read it. To clarify, she said that I must have found "the one" and that I suck. I have no idea what that means or why she would accuse me of finding someone unless she was just mad that I quit responding. Then the email two days later from her said I was petty and had no dignity. And yes, it is very likely she will be at my church and I do not want to change churches since me and my children were there long before she showed up.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 September 2017):

Honeypie agony auntSet your e-mail up to automatically put her e-mails in the spam folder. No point in even reading them, YOU owe her nothing.

She will probably continue with this passive-aggressive attitude for a while so KEEP ignoring her. IF she shows up at your house DO NOT open the door and make sure your kids know NOT to open the door for her either.

My guess is she is USED to men (who has an ounce of sense) dumping her - that is why she is claiming she found "the one" and that you suck. Honestly? Good luck to that poor dude and who cares what she thinks.

KEEP the no contact. Don't delete any sent e-mail, as you might need them if she starts any ridiculous shenanigans.

Next time you meet a woman TAKE your time to get to know them BEFORE introducing your children to her. You know what a red flag is. Pay attention and not make excuses for them because you would like a partner. Depending on the ages of your children I'd suggest a GOOD 9-12 months of dating (and no, not dating online but in person) before introducing them. They don't need or deserve this kind of grown-up drama.

I hope she stays away from your church. IF she shows up don't think you HAVE to be "NICE" to her. Feel free to ignore her and to avoid her.

You can do it.

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A male reader, tst454 United States +, writes (16 September 2017):

tst454 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all for your responses. It's been one week and I have initiated no contact. The last response I got from her was last Saturday to say, "I found 'the one' and I suck" which I didn't respond to. I have zero clue what that means as I've always been accused of cheating or looking and I can honestly say I have zero female contacts as even friends or co-workers. No idea where that came from. I supposed when I didn't respond to that on Saturday she shifted to email on Monday and said I was petty and had no dignity. So I haven't responded since last Saturday and I haven't heard from her since last Monday. I sincerely appreciate your responses. I've since learned I might very well be dealing with a narcissist/psychopath as she strongly met (with specific examples) 13 of the 16 characteristics of psychopathy. Any other advice would be appreciated. Your words help me get through the week with no contact. I just kept reading them again and again reminding myself what this looks like to the rest of the world.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2017):

Why on earth would you be with a woman like that. You are not only putting yourself in harms way but your children & loved ones. There is something seriously wrong with this woman.

She lies, cheats, uses people and has no respect or remorse for her actions. You need to get her out of your life asap.

Think of your children.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2017):

Frankly if I was you I would move to another state far from her and wouldn't leave an address behind. She is impossible to shake off and she could very well harm you because she is mental.Run buddy run before it is too late.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 September 2017):

Honeypie agony auntGood Lord, OP

She is NOT perfection. She is NOT a good match for you.

She is TOXIC! and you are HURTING not just yourself but your kids by keeping her around.

There IS a reason she has been married so many times and it hasn't worked out. The COMMON denominator is HER.

The longer you stay with her the more drama you will have in your life. YOUR children will suffer. I get that you don't want to be alone, but maybe you should look for someone who TREATS you right, someone you have things in common with.

Showing up and joining your church is NOT because she all of a sudden found God or became a Christian. It's part of her way to dismiss your feelings when you say "I don't think we are a good fit".

She is in counseling constantly, with the ex-husband and now with the daughter. YET, nothing has changed.

My guess is she has some severe mental issues. Which she isn't addressing or if she knows she is keeping it to herself, hoping YOU will marry her.

She has latched onto you like a leech. She didn't CARE that you wouldn't date a married woman. She just showed up at your house. She didn't CARE that you didn't want to date a non-Christian woman, she just showed up at your church. She didn't CARE that you didn't want her on your Facebook she just bullied you into doing it. She didn't care that you didn't want a fight to escalate to physical violence, she KEPT at it till the Police got there and she DARNED well knew you would not press charges. SHE knew. She does irrational and "bad" things but does not take responsibility for them, she IGNORES them because she doesn't think it's HER fault.

OP, you sound like a good man who isn't used to dealing with a woman who steamrolls others. Who isn't used to abusive women. SHE is abusive, she IS manipulative.

PUT your children first, OP and END it with her. If you have to, get a PO. (Protection order).

This will ONLY end in chaos if you continue with her - YOU can not fix her or "save" her.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2017):

Sorry to hear the kind of relationship you're in.

However you're in denial when you say she is perfection

She is far from it.

None of us are perfect but from your account she needs real help. Professional help until she finds the right person to help her.

This is all very toxic for you and until she faces her true problems you will be in the middle and likely to be hurt.

Love is patient kind.... As a Christian you will know what it should look like and this is not it.

Good luck to you both.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (9 September 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntShaking my head in disbelief and wondering if this is a joke.

Giving you the benefit of the doubt that it is not, I have questions . . . . many MANY questions . . .

And still shaking my head in disbelief as this sounds like the script for a Fatal Attraction remake.

WHY are you still with this woman who treats you so cruelly? Not only has she assaulted you physically, she constantly puts you down and treats you VERY VERY badly. Do you perhaps enjoy being put down and belittled? If so, then stay with her, as that is all she is capable of by the sound of it.

WHY do you put your children through her drunken rants? How do you think they feel, seeing their father assaulted? How frightening must that have been for them? They will grow up believing this is the way relationships should be and could gravitate towards partners who treat them equally as badly. If one of them had a partner who treated them as badly as this woman treats you, would you advise them to stay in that relationship?

WHY do you allow her to call all the shots? Right from the beginning, she was turning up on your doorstep uninvited. You obviously let her into your house, otherwise she would have stopped turning up. Most people would have instantly spotted trouble and would have got a restraining order out against her. You, on the other hand, decided to have a relationship with her and now wonder why things are not going well. What planet are you from?

What exactly about this woman is even close to "perfection"? WHAT? I am assuming she is good looking but she is not a beautiful person, is she? She doesn't treat you well, does she? She may SAY she loves you but words are cheap and easy. Her actions do not show love in any form I am familiar with.

Right from the start, she lied to you and you forgave that. She stalked you and you ALLOWED it. She belittles and insults you and you ALLOW it. She cross-examines you about your friends and you ALLOW it.

My biggest question: what is YOUR problem? Are you into some sort of sadomasochism? If so, then you probably HAVE found the perfect woman. However, you should not drag your children into this arrangement. As their father, regardless of how screwed up your values about yourself are, you should be protecting your children from being scared and having their minds screwed up by this woman.

Bottom line: get out of this abusive arrangement and stay out, or at least protect your children from exposure to it.

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