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I often think fondly of my ex but don't want to get back with him

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 September 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 13 September 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hi everyone.

So I'll start with my ex. He was a lovely guy but there was no sex or passion. we were together a number of years but broke up a while ago now. i was okay. we are 'friends' but don't ever talk.

I'm now with a new partner and things are going well but out of no where i can't stop thinking about my ex, id love to bump into him and tell him i miss him and still care about him maybe its guilt from moving on. how ever I've been having dreams where he has moved on and it breaks my heart a need in these dreams i go tell him i love him ect.

i wouldn't get back with him in reality, i don't want a relationship with him. i know it wouldn't make me happy and i know that and have no desire to be back with him so why cant i get over it and why does it hurt so much the thought of him moving on i have no idea what he's up to and it bothers me... why?

View related questions: broke up, my ex, no desire

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (13 September 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntJust because their was no sex or passion does not mean that you did not fall in love with him. Off course it is always hard moving on, but you know in your heart you don't want a romantic relationship with him, so the best thing to do is stay out off contact and get on with your life.

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico + , writes (11 September 2017):

It's called jealousy. Even if you don't love that man, if he moves on, you will feel jealous of him for being able to move on. That's normal, and your subconscious is telling you what it's anxious about him moving on or forgetting about you.

You should disregard your unconscious and start enjoying your current relationship. Stop living in the past, live in the NOW.

Best luck!

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (9 September 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntYou didn't have an ugly or messy break-up and you have good memories of your relationship. We tend to think that if someone is an ex then that person must be avoided like the plague and we shouldn't think of them in a good way but why should it be like that?

I don't think though that you miss him per se; I think you miss the idea of him. If you missed "him" indeed then you would somewhere still want to be with him.

He was a good person who you had a good relationship with and that is why you still think fondly of him.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (9 September 2017):

I got blind-sided and dumped by a guy I fell for four years ago. I think of him from time to time. I still have fondness for him. He was very good to me. He let me go, because he realizes there are things he's into that he wouldn't force on me. He likes short-term monogamous-relationships. He puts an expiration-date on his relationships. I have never attempted contact, I don't do follow-up on his life; and I have moved on completely.

Exes are in the past. That's where they should stay; so you can move forward with your life. Guilt and regret only prohibit progress and healing. Digging him up to soothe your own guilt is selfish. Let him be.

By some coincidence, if your paths should cross someday; wish him well. If he hasn't come looking for you, that's evidence he has moved on; and his life is fine without you in it. It took time for his wounds to heal, so don't pick at the scars.

I don't believe in resurrecting exes. So I've resolved to moved on; and I savor the good memories. I have a new boyfriend. He is such a wonderful loving-person. There's no space in my heart or brain to ponder on exes; when he has so much to give. I focus on my life for now and the future. I only use the past as a reminder of what I shouldn't repeat.

You're over-thinking it. So now it plagues you. Before it becomes an obsession, find something positive and productive to entertain your thoughts.

How about redirecting your thoughts to the present guy?

What about the guy who is offering you a big piece of his life, and giving you his heart? He deserves better than giving his love to someone with another guy on her mind.

We can, and will, control our thoughts. If we truly value the people in our lives who trust and love us.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (9 September 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntJust because someone is not "right" for us, does not mean we cannot love them every other way or that we stop caring about them. Given your age, was he your first "proper" boyfriend? If so, he will always have a special place in your heart.

Don't feel guilty about thinking about him but, if these thoughts make you sad or uncomfortable, perhaps you could practice replacing them with thoughts of your current boyfriend? After all, he is the present, unlike your ex who is in the past - for a reason.

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