A
female
age
30-35,
*nonymousTA
writes:i am a 19yo woman that cant stop thinking about her ex..ok lets start from the beginning..we met through a friend at a party and suddenly hit it off.. went on a cute date and saw eachother every dayuntil i moved into his mothers place about only 2 months of being togetherwe had pretty big fights and he had pushed me a few times but i always got over it because he would say he was sorry and he lost his temper and after all he only pushed me..i felt we were madly in love, he got me a puppy and we then got our own place and everythingafter only about 2 weeks at our new place we had a party and we both got drunk and on pills and we ended up having a massive argument due to a young pretty neighbour deciding to crash our party and after introducing myself as his girlfriend she still blatently hit on him infront of me and he was just loving it and let it happen..this made me extremely uncomfortable especially knowing this bitch lived right next door!so everyone ended up going out and we got over our little argument and went out too..it was when we got home (after more drinks of course)that all hell broke loosehe pushed me and all i can remember is trying to leave and him pulling my hair and what felt like him pulling me down and kneeing me in the facealthough he denies how that happened and says he was pulling my dress for some reason and i fell down and somehow hit my facethat is definately not what happened but that is besides the point..i was then on the floor and a neighbour called the cops.immediately after he began appoligising and crying and begging me not to leave himi left and called my girlfriend and she met me down the road out of his site..i was stupid enough to go back..STRAIGHT AWAY!!i am so dumb because i couldnt stand the pain of leaving him and thought the love we had was so strong and that we could get through this.the cops came and i denied anything happening and he told them the truth.. well half truth lets say.. but because he still admitting to pushing me and pulling my hair he got locked up for a few hours and got a good behaviour thing.. so basically its recorded and if he breaches it within 2 years its a criminal offence.anyways we made up and said he would get help for his anger issues and all this crap which he never did..he would mentally abuse me and play games and always made me feel insecure and that he would leave me and find someone betterit got to a point where he wouldn't allow me to go out with him and his friends anymore because he just wanted a "boys night"i would constantly be waiting at home by myself waiting for him to come home.. i dont know why i did this because everytime he got home he would just get angry at me and not want to talk to me or cuddle me or anything he would either just want to go to sleep or have sex and then sleepthe next morning would always be worse because of his hangovers.. he would always get angry at me and take it out on me and tell me im annoying and to fuck off and that i should go find someone elsewe would often break up but get back together almost straight away it seemed.on a few occassions he would break up with me or fight with me the night before i would have an exam or test and this caused me to do horribly in a test yet i just passed thank god.. and caused me to not show up to 2 other exams..we ended up breaking up last weekend because we went to his brothers wedding and immediately after the service he asked me to drive his car home so he could have a boys night.. i was horribly sick with a cold and it hurt me that he just wanted to be with the boys and leave me in the middle of nowhere to drive his car home so he could go get fucked up and not have to worry about me..i just wanted him to take care of me like i do for him..i had no problem staying for the reception or anything even though i was so sickand i was going to drive us home laterwe had a fight and he ended up throwing his keys at me and leaving.. i had only enough credit on my phone to msg him and told him to call me because i didnt know the way to get homehe didnt call me and i ended up msging my mum and she called telling me how to get homei was so angry and hurt that he just left me while i was sick in the middle of no where when he knew i didnt know how to get homei then moved all my stuff out of the house and went to my mumsstupid me called him and we fought over the phone and he somehow turned it around on me and said its my fault for leaving and he thought i would come to the reception..but then when it came down to it he didnt want me thereas i was talking to his friend on the phone for a bit and his friend said to come back and just have a drink with them and forget about everything and in the background i could hear him telling his mate to shut up and that he doesnt want me to come backi chose to ignore this and stayed at my mums because i knew he didnt want me therei then called him about a million times and he wouldnt pick up..he called me back at about midnight and i told him i was upset and sick and i needed to see him and asked him to come home to me when he was ready to leavehe said he would come home to me and call me when he was on his waythis made me feel a lot better and i was finally able to fall asleep.he never ended up calling and i woke up the next day drove to our house and he wasnt there.. i kept calling his phone and he didnt pick up..i finally got on to him about midday through finding one of his friends numbers off someone and he had no choice but to talk to me..he went off at me and said he forgot to call and that he wasnt going to pay that much money to get home to me (although it was only about 10 mins more in a taxi from where he ended up)we ended up making up the next day and he said we should just be friends for a bit and see how we go..i wasnt happy about this but i needed him so bad i had no choice it was either this or nothing.we tried this for about a week but ultimately were exactly the same still sleeping together acting like a couple seeing eachother everyday sleeping in the same bedso it got to friday and i just lost it and called him and said i loved him so much and were the same as we were before i want to be with you and know that he would only be with me too. he said he still just wanted to be friends and that we were treating each other better and just to be friends for a bit longer.i let him know i couldnt be friends anymore and that we were either together or we werent and that if he didnt want to be with me i couldnt see him anymore because it was just too hard.he chose being "free" over being with me and i left.he went out that night and i tried to be strong and not call him but i ended up sending him a msg saying hope ur having a good night outhe called me and we fought and he hung up on mehe ended up calling me later that night and asking if i wanted to go to the beach with him and our dog the next morningi told him i cant see him if hes not going to be with me and he said he forgot!! HE FORGOT WE WERENT TOGETHER! and then sent me a text saying sorry! he fucks with my head soo much.. i put my phone on silent and eventually fell asleep and saw more missed calls at early hours of the morning..i decided to go to the beach with my dog and a friend the next day so i went to go pick up the dog from our .. or his now.. place (thinking he would be at work and our dog in the yard) he was inside with our dog as he didnt go to work and the dog usually sleeps insideso i called him and asked him to come out as i was taking the dog down to the beach.he came out and opened the door and went back to bed without saying anything or acknowledging me.i told him i was coming inside to grab some dog biscuits (as our dog was still in training) and he didnt respond so i went inside..i then went into his room to ask him for the money he owed me as i needed it for fuelhe went off at me and said im not his problem anymore and he doesnt need to take care of me anymore and he wouldnt give me the moneyi saw that his safe on his dresser draws was open and went to grab the money he owed.. he got up and slammed the safe against my hand and told me to get the fuck out and that i couldnt take the dog as its not mine anymorehe grabbed me by the throat and threw me to the ground then dragged me out of the house not letting me take the dog and saying i was worthless and im nothing to him and that he hates methe cops ended up coming and i gave a statement this time because i was so hurt and angrybecause he breached his agreement from the first time he is now locked up for the weekend and has court on monday..i dont know why but i feel so horrible about this.. like its my fault he is locked up and for some fucked up reason all i feel is regret and that i miss him and want to be with him and that im scared that now he really will hate meand i feel like shit i miss my dog too and know he must be lonely and sad as well and i miss his cuddles :(why is it so easy for me to forget? why cant i get over this person that doesnt treat me right? and why the hell do i feel guilty for him being locked away for the weekend?i know this is mild compared to you other womens situations but i still know this is a form of abuse and i dont know why i still keep making excuses for him and wanting to be with him...i need some good advice please!
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at work, drunk, get back together, her ex, insecure, money, moved in, neighbour, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (12 September 2011):
You need to understand that you are in an abusive relationship. Some of the things you are experiencing are all symptoms of abusive relationships such as:
Knowing the relationship is bad and unhealthy but not being able to stay away.
Feeling "addicted" to your partner or the feelings of love despite being treated badly"
Partner playing mind games and leaving you with feelings of confusion.
You wanting to help him despite the relationship not being good.
Him treating you terribly and you accepting it, and going back to him even when you know better.
There are other things, but these are some of the symptoms of being in a bad relationship. I think you are aware that this is a bad relationship, and that he is being abusive.
The next step for you is to educate yourself. You need to find out how abusive relationships work, how people go through the cycles of good times and bad times, how manipulation works, and why you feel like you are drawn back all the time. This will help you answer some of the questions you have asked, such as why you feel bad for some of the things that have happened even though he is responsible for his actions and what is happening to him.
Finally, there are lots of resources available to people who have had this kind of experience. Counselling is a good solution if you are able, but there are lots of other helpful resources too which can help you move beyond this experience and for you to have the life and relationships that you want, and that are good for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2011): You know this is wrong yet you keep calling him back!! Leave him immediately and never contact him again, no matter how hard it is. He doesn't deserve an explanation. Talk to your parents or trusted friends; they are here to help and have your best interests at heart. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this! You deserve so much better. See yourself as the lovely young lady you are and settle for nothing less than a gentleman.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 September 2011):
 All I wanted to say, Rescuer said it already, so I'll just limit my comment to stressing this :
what you describe is NOT mild , even by the most anything-goes standards, it's in fact severe- and dangerous. I find very troubling that you may perceive it as a "mild " form of abuse and this would be enough to show that you need professional help with your dysfunctional thinking.
I'd like also to add, risking to attract plenty of eye rolling from young party-loving posters, that I feel the abuse of alchool, and pills, played a big role in this case and many similar ones. What's elegantly called "anger issues " is very often nothing else that good old alcohol and substance abuse- or addiction, too. Without adding them to the mix, probably the issues would still be there latent, but they would not go so horribly out of control.
Of course you can't do anything anymore about his drinking habits, that's his poroblem. But you can do a lot about yours. Clean up your act and you'll see you'll think straighter and choose better.
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A
female
reader, anonymousTA +, writes (11 September 2011):
anonymousTA is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry "rescuer" i accidently rated ur comment wrong. I think your right on the fact that I need to get extra help to get over this and I am definately going to look into seeing someone.. I think writing about everything and summing up the situation has definately helped me to see things more clearly and for what they are and I appreciate your input and honesty thank you for taking your time out to read and respond to my post
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie +, writes (11 September 2011):
 You need to tell yourself that you deserve better than this. Possibly you may need extra assistance, some counselling to give you the skills you need to get out of living this way. You are young and have a chance to make a great life for yourself. So start looking for someone to help you. do you have friends or family who can help you? If not, see you GP, and ask for a referral for counselling. Good luck for a bright and better future, you are entitled to one ok.
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