A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am newly single after a long-term relationship (19 years) ended and now back in the dating game. I have never been the most sought after guy at the party, but I've attracted attention of women in my time. I don't have classic good looks, but neither do I feel I am unattractive. Even now I sometimes have women approach me and tell me I look like Jude Law, which is a huge compliment to me.I am very shy by nature, especially around people I don't know well (a totally different story once I know you), and I have always had a hard time approaching women and making friends with men. Ultimately, they usually approach me. Therefore, I really liked the idea of online dating.However, it has been nothing but a big frustration to me. I signed up for several services. I take the time to really read and respond to profiles of people I think I might connect with. These are not always the most attractive women. I know my limitations. I see that many of them visit my profile and then never respond to me. This is just killing my self-esteem that they would like what I have to say enough to check me out and then look at my photos and decide to pass.I am a successful man, a millionaire in fact. I don't mention this in my profile because I don't think it is appropriate and I don't want to attract women looking for that. I know it is off-putting for some women, in fact. I am extremely smart, funny, and a gentleman. I don't expect women to fall all over me, but they aren't even giving me a CHANCE and that's what cuts into me so deeply. I feel like Quasimoto. Maybe online dating isn't for me, but I am just so awkward in regular social situations. Any advice about what I may just be doing wrong? Or is it just these women? One does wonder why such good-looking, interesting women in their 30s are still available. Maybe they are really picky or shallow? That's what I'd like to think.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (12 September 2011):
Because of the format, all you'll be judged on at dating sites is some text and a couple of pictures. Since people are visual creatures, looks weigh in a lot online. Plus, a lot of times, online dating is actually an euphemism for hooking up for sex.
A hugely popular guy I know is someone you wouldn't give a second look on facebook or a dating site. He doesn't take pictures well. However, when you meet him in real life and get to see all the facets about him, he's very attractive. He's funny, well mannered and extremely witty. He's very popular amongst women for that reason. Online though, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't fare so well.
So if I were you, I would shut the door on internet dating and start working on your social skills. This online stuff is only putting you down, which in turn makes you more awkward because you've started doubting yourself even more. It's not a good development.
Try to pinpoint for yourself exactly what it is that makes you uncomfortable in social situations. Do you have problems making eye contact? Do you run out of things to say? Does the crowd you're in not really contain the people you're interested in? Etc. Even the most confident people can get awkward once they're out of their confort zone. You'll have to learn to find your comfort zone in every situation. Once you can, interaction will be less forced and more fun.
You might want to follow some trainings or classes on that subject. Either that or find a sport that helps you. Growing up, I was very timid, withdrawn and shy. Once I started doing martial arts I started being able to get out of my shell and though I will never be the heart of the party, I'm at ease almost everywhere.
People like those who seem at ease in their own skin. So try to work on that instead of the online dating scene.
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (11 September 2011):
 Hello,
Sorry you are feeling low right now. I have been off and on in the on-line dating game so I know exactly how you feel. I agree with the other posters that you do have to become somewhat "comfortable" with rejection. It does hurt to see people viewing you, deleting you and ignoring you. When you meet for coffee, it will hurt to drive away knowing it's just one more who isn't "the One, in fact, not even close." It's an investment of time and energy and heart. So of course there will be rejection and hurt. There are so many people out there on the on-line dating scene who are tire kickers and serial daters. You'll see that the longer you are on the sites. But there are good people out there. Sometimes it's about you not being in a good place and people recognizing it.
I do agree that photos are the basis for a relationship in on-line dating but in real life there is so much more. I am the type of person who can't jump into a relationship, I have to be friends and the person has to grow on me. And it isn't about looks or money-it's about the person you are and how the chemistry works between the two of you. On-line dating isn't for everyone.
For me, what I have done is gone off the sites and taken a break when my self esteem gets too low. I've now been on a break for over a year. I get busy with friends and activities and just enjoy being single. Do I miss and want a companion, yes. Will I ever find one again, I don't know.
I know I haven't helped you except to say you are not alone. But don't give up. Try other venues for meeting people. And whatever you do, don't tell people you are a millionaire. The people who will exploit that will be all over you and the people who will like you for yourself will think you are too shallow. Looks come from within. Smiles are the best wardrobe enhancer.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 September 2011):
 A gentlemanly millionaire who looks like Jude Law ?....well, if you don't have any luck on dating sites, then call me at three-four-eight-....LOL.
Seriously : relax. It's just Internet. It's not you, it's the medium. Online dating is not to be taken terribly seriously. Most people is over there not with a laser- like focus on finding a life partner, but out of boredom and curiosity, to kill some time , to "see what happens ". There may be the vague idea that if something exceptional stands out you will want to pursue, all the rest is basically a passtime.
That does not explain why they don't like your pics, or why they don't make more of an effort.
Because it's not real life. In real life, you have a physically unimpressive coworker or neighbour who ,though, is so kind, nice, has a great sense of humour or whatever,... which piques your interest, may make you want to know him better, he'll end up growing on you. Plus , in real life, you have input through all your senses, maybe a guy is not so great looking , but has a sexy voice, a fantastic smell, he's a great dancer ... somehow he has more ways to strike your fancy.
Online, all you've got is pics- and in a oceanic sea of pics , you'll inevitably be attracted to that 5% that stands out.
You may say, not true, I've got my posts and profiles, I am an interesting person, and that should be enough to attract women . Ah well, first you have to be very sincere with yourself , very self critical, like I said there's really a sea of people on line out there, maybe your profile does not really stand out as you'd think. Second, the more jaded, online savvy don't put too much stock on what you write, words aren't that much more reliable than pics. Because talk is cheap in real life, and much more on line. Words are fluff - you can USE words and they won't necessarily describe the REAL you.
I mean, I am good with words - even if surely you would never suspect it from my posts on DC:) - I am pretty sure that if I would bother I can write something both deep and come-hitherish, something ATTRACTIVE . But, it does not mean anything. I could still be a crazy mean bitch -only, one who's very good at self promoting herself.
That's why on line a picture is worth one thousand words. The selection process is random, capricious, and totally unreliable anyway , so might as well to start from something that catches the eye.
It's just Internet- it's a game. A hobby. I won't deny that SOME people meet their perfect match on line, my hairdresser met her husband this way and after several years they are still very happy. But serendipity happens everywhere , the odds ,I guess, are more or less the same also when you are browsing in a bookstore,or shopping at your local supermarket.
You wouldn't go shopping for food and then came home all sad and dejected because no woman approached you there , right ?
So keep casting your nets on line, you may never know- but don't be surprised or disappointed if you don't catch enough fish.
I think you'd fare better by putting yourself out there, socializing, finding new venues for meeting people ( classes, associations... ) and making a LITTLE effort for being a TAD more proactive. Who are you, Scarlet O'Hara, for sitting pretty and waiting for the beaus to come a-courting ? :) You got lucky in this sense in the past, but , remember, "fortuna audaces juvat " " luck favours who dares ".
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (11 September 2011):
 Hi,
Sorry about your divorce. Hope you are doing well.
I just want to tell you that you are wrong to feel this way. I am sure they don't contact you for other reasons than your look. Understand that people have their own preferences, what one might think is attractive, others may think otherwise. I am sure has nothing to do with your looks.
After 20 years, it might be difficult to try to meet woman. A lot of things have changed since then. Woman nowadays are not sweet, innocent... They are tuff, independent, have different morals. I am glad you didn't mentioned your financial status, that information will definitely attract the wrong kind of woman. Don't you watch tv? It's hard to find a woman that is mentally stable, phsysically clean, and have good intensions. Sorry if I am being too honest, and I am not trying to put down your hopes. Just be aware. I am sure there are plenty of good woman out there.
Just be patient, enjoy, have fun, and don't take it too personally. I think you are being too sensitive. Nobody is rejecting you or judging you, it's all in your head, it's your fault to think, and feel this way. what's meant to be will be. Who knows this online dating might work for you or not? Who knows where you are going to meet your next love? It will happen when you least expect.
It takes time, so don't be negative. Don't loose hope. You are a successful man, with good character, integrity, honest and kind. I am sure you won't have any problems meeting a wonderful woman that deserves you.
Good luck to your new life and finding love
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2011): Try changing your profile around a little, describe your self a little more or less, also maybe instead of saying you are a millionaire maybe say something about what you do or something about your living style, as maybe you aren't coming across as suitable for some reason.
Maybe take some new photos or some ones in a place which looks nice. Try messaging people but try making each message stand out.
I have some experience in this department as well I always get the views but no messages, so I try to change my profile often and always take new photos in which I am in a nice place to get slightly more attention.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2011): I think meeting people in person is much better for finding a potential partner, than just seeing a picture online. Why don't you join a club that is related to one of your hobbies or interests? Or take a dance class. That is a great way to meet women. I have several guy friends who met their girlfriends at a dance class. Plus, it gives you extra points if you can dance:) Also, consider getting a dog. Dog owners easily start a conversation in the dog park. There are plenty of single women there too, and if she likes dogs she is probably a good person. Just do the things you truly enjoy doing and you will meet somebody sooner or later. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2011): relax, lighten up. You need to be less self-conscious and stop making things out to be about you personally.anything you put on the web will get lots of hits that are just casual. that includes your online dating profile. think about it, when you go shopping for something online, you often click on lots of links and spend maybe 5 seconds browsing and then go on. Online dating is the same. realize that you're just one of many profiles. why do women click your profile yet not take it further and contact you? who knows, I'm sure you yourself do check some women's profiles yet decide not to contact them, so why it is such a disaster to your self esteem if it goes the other way round too? the point is that at some point some women will go further and contact you.I think you just need to stick with it longer and give yourself more time. You need to have more experience with "rejection" in order to not be so affected by it. And they aren't actually rejecting you, rather you are creating a rejection for yourself. sooner or later at some point, some of those women checking out your profile will take the next step to contact you. you just got to be patient and not be over thinking and over analyzing and working yourself up into paranoia.Well, has it occurred to you that the reason good looking interesting women in their 30s are available is for the same reason YOU are? Meaning, has it occurred to you that they are newly single having just gotten out of previous long term relationships or marriages. And if this classifies them as 'problematic' in your eyes, well then how is that any different from yourself?
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (11 September 2011):
 Possibly it's just early days, and you just need to hang in there a bit longer. It is hard, especially when you don't sound too confident to start with. Why don't you try joining some groups locally, that you might be interested in. It is a way to meet people in general, and possibly lead to romances. What are your interests for example, photography, bush-walking? These sorts of activities are good alone to boost your self-confidence, which in turn, makes socialising easier. Good luck, don't give up, there's millions of women out there waiting to be found!
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