A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,I really need some advice. I am 30 and engaged. We are supposed to be getting married mid next year. My fiancée and I have been together for nine years. However for the past year I have been feeling less and less secure in the relationship. I have noticed that he has become glued to his phone and anytime I am near it he moves it away. There have been a few incidents in the past 12 months that have made me nervous but when I confront him he laughs it off and always has an excuse. Examples: 1. He went away with his mum and sister to Melbourne and down the great ocean road. On the tour bus they met a girl from holland. Apparently he sat with her on the bus and they exchanged numbers. I found a text message in his phone to her asking her whether she wanted to catch up that evening for a drink. She said no. I freaked and asked him about it, he said his mum was driving him crazy and he needed to get away from them. 2. He went to a party and didn't come home all night. In response To a Post on Facebook he said he may have met a nice girl but couldn't remember because he was so drunk. Again I was upset and he said he was just being one of the lads and he really just went back to his car and fell asleep.3. He went on a work trip and stayed in a friends apartment. When he came back there was a black g string in his bag. I showed it to him and he said he was staying in the spare room and it was full of laundry and it must have inadvertently ended up in his bag,4. In an email to a work colleague he attached a home made photo of a topless girl taking a photo of herself. The email said "remember me?" And said he had received it the night before. When I asked him about it he said he was only joking and taking credit for a photo that was actually sent to another friend.5. I found a credit card receipt for a massage shop that according to reviews found online does "body on body massage with hi or bj". When I said it to him he said he went there with a drop kick friend of his and "nothing sexual" happened.6. I recently found out that one night when he went to a bucks party he met some Brazilian girls who invited him to a party. He went and didn't come home until like 6am. I have not asked him about it because I am numb. I don't know what to do. The wedding is planned, I have even ordered my dress. He has obviously lost all respect for me and I don't know what I have done. He keeps telling me he loves me and that he wants to be with me forever. I am sure you are reading this thinking I would be a fool to believe him but why would he propose? I am so confused, please help me figure out what to do. I am in a really bad place right now.
View related questions:
drunk, engaged, exchanged numbers, facebook, insecure, text, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2012): I'd break up with him for those lame excuses. He doesn't even respect you enough to come up with a good lie, he is LAUGHING at you, girl and you don't deserve that treatment.
A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (28 September 2012):
 You are so being played honey! He asked you to marry him because deep down inside he wants the stability a marriage provides while he wanders around stumbling into sexual adventures and passing them off as innocent coincedences. You are his safety net. A place to land after he's played around on the wild side and called it something else. Plus he figures if he marries you it'll shut you up for awhile and you'll be the blind little wife not noticing his odd hours, and even odder stories. He's a very smooth talker. Capable of talking his way out of every situation he's been caught red-handed in. No I do not think you should marry him and frankly unless you want to spend the rest of your life sharing him with strange women and prostitutes and exposing yourself to deadly diseases, you should send him packing. He has no intentions of being faithful and you're life will be filled with more odd situations that he will try to convince you is nothing until you go slowly insane.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2012): he thinks you can be easily fooled and has lost all respect for you, there are SO MANY evidences that he's cheated on you many times and yet you're still wondering whether or not to get married, I know breaking up a long time relationship is hard but you deserve better than this, I think you'll only have trouble in your future if you marry this man
...............................
A
female
reader, demeplev  +, writes (28 September 2012):
 OH MY!
All the Aunts have said it all,
I am sorry, but how many clues do you need to smell a skunk?
He has his cake and can eat it too marrying someone who cant see the fire behind all the smoke.
How in the world did you accept all these excuses? the g-string was mixed in the laundry..oh gosh
I am so sorry that your world is coming apart but please, RUN DON'T WALK!!
Good luck, peace and love.
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (27 September 2012):
Why would he propose? Maybe because he thought he ought to after dating you for nine years, who knows?
Be that as it may, he is offering the flimsiest, tissue-paper thin excuses for his behavior How can he have much respect for you for accepting them - notwithstanding that you said you asked him about each incident - far too mild a response by the way? He'd probably (MAYBE) VALUE you more - or at least have more respect, it you flat-out told him to beat it.
Anyway, this is a no brainer. If you don't want to be taken for a fool, then DON'T be. Tell him the wedding plans are OFF, permanently, and he can consider himself you "now and forever" EX-boyfriend.
You can do much, much better than this man! I concur completely with the other aunts.......
P.S. If you've ordered the wedding dress, surely you can cancel the order and get at least a partial, if not full, refund? If they won't reimburse you, why then, surely better to be out some money than to have a lifetime of unhappiness!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2012): Nine years down the tubes....I am so sorry. You already know the answer. Your radar is right on track, don't ignore it. You need to cancel this whole thing. You are about to marry a cheater and a man who is lying to you.
It's only going to get worse, and if you ignore all of this and keep the rose colored glasses on...I keep thinking if you eventually have a child together. This is not the man for you. It's going to be one of the hardest things you do in your life, but you should not or want to live your life with a man like this. Again, I am really sorry.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2012): Please don't marry this guy!!there would be no bigger fool than you if you did,he's playing you!!you need to kick him in the arse and walk away!u deserve better..I don't know how and why you tolerated this bull shit for sooo long
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2012): LEAVE HIM NOW AND NEVER LOOK BACK!!!!
Don't become the woman that is stuck at home everynight with the kids wondering where he is, so depressed until you don't even care anymore thanks to all the tranquilizers and alcohol. Can you imagine how miserable life will be? Not to mention what a horrible environment to raise children in. A man who can cheat on you is a man who doesn't love you. YOU HAVE A CHANCE RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE LUCKY, GET OUT!!!!!
I promise somewhere out there is a man who will be honest and loving and treat you like a queen. You will NEVER have to doubt his word or wonder where he is.
...............................
A
male
reader, BachelorGreatUncle +, writes (27 September 2012):
"I am sure you are reading this thinking I would be a fool to believe him but why would he propose?"
Hoping you would be a fool and believe him, or at the very least not trust your judgement and go through with the wedding for appearances' sake.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 September 2012):
 They say that 3 clues make one evidence,... in this case you'd have ample proof that your fiance' is making a fool of you and probably bellylaughing at your expenses.
Why did he propose ? Are you kidding ? He gets the best of both worlds, the stability and security of family life, which most people arrive to wish for at some point in their life, -affection and care,- sex on demand without hussles and without risking rejection ( as when the Dutch girl rejected him )- moral, emotional, maybe even financial support any time he needs it,- and if you are the domestic type, also if not exactly a live in maid, at least a helping hand around the house. All this without having to give up anything and change anything in his fun and frolic , because you have shown him that you are too scared/ gullible / compliant / passive / fill the blank ...to really get mad and make him stop- or just to dump his sneaky cheating ass. That's a very sweet deal , why shouldn't he want it ?
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (27 September 2012):
 OP do not marry this guy. Every day with him will be an ordeal and you cant even get out of it once you are married. No one gets married thinking that they will get a divorce but in your case its almost like that....getting married to someone as shady as him means that you will never be at peace. Why do you want this? Its easier to store the dress away and cut your losses and move on now than do all this later, in a much more painful way. Listen to your instincts. This man is not right for you. And instead of feeling bad about this, look at the bright side that at least you know all this before you got married.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (27 September 2012):
 I agree with everything the other aunts have said...
You have to ask yourself why you are forging ahead with a wedding to a man you clearly do not trust.
His excuses are lame and quite frankly if he is treating you like an idiot if he thinks you buy it.
9 years is a very long time and there is no easy way to halt things, but you don't seem to have a choice.
If this man loves you beyond all doubt and wants to be faithful to you for the rest of your life, it's about time he started 'walking the walk'...right now he has you dangling on a string and I agree 100% that maybe he sees you as good wife/mother material and someone who is so in love with him you will sacrifice your own happiness so he can continue to live like a single guy.
You won't be the first or the last woman who's chosen to follow this path, just don't kid yourself that he will ever change because he won't...and you are in for a long life of misery and mistrust.
Sometimes Love is not enough!!
Best of luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 September 2012):
 I understand that the wedding is planned and you got your dress, but .......
Every time you ASK him - he comes up with the LAMEST excuses and you accept it (even if you don't really believe him) and you stay.
I'm wondering if you feel like you SHOULD believe his BS ( I'm sorry a pair of g-strings don't just JUMP from some piles of laundry into his bag)
YOU don't trust him at all (not that I blame you) but it seems to me like your relationship have somehow evolved onto that of a parent and child. YOU being the parent, HIM being the child. You check up on him, you confront him and every time he lies or feed you a line he thinks you will accept and shut up about it.
I can tell you, from having BEEN in that position, that after the trust goes out the window, then respect goes next, respect for your partner and for yourself, then you will start to doubt yourself (which seems the stage you are at now) and then you will try and rationalize what's going on.
The thing is. This behavior of his WILL NOT change after you two say I DO. He will continue it, ad you.. will continue to feel like it's your job to monitor him, hoping he does nothing wrong, but if he does you want to catch him.. IT IS NOT healthy.
It has taken to two of you 9 years to reach the stage where marriage seems like the next logical move, yet does that mean you have no other choice but to marry this guy?
His ACTIONS and his words don't match up at all. HE SAYS he loves you and want to spend the rest of his life with you... but from what you write it seem to me that he WANTS to be single and life the single dude life.
If you think this IS the guy for you anyways, I will STRONGLY urge you two to get some pre-marital counseling. To GET on the same page. However, you two have a LONG and hard road ahead of you, even if he DOES change his ways, regaining trust takes years and sometimes you don't regain it fully, it will always be in the back of your head.
Maybe... it's not meant to be.
...............................
A
female
reader, Read-the-signs +, writes (27 September 2012):
You don't need any more examples, he is playing you bigtime. So now he probably thinks you are great wife material and potentially the mother of his kids, while he carries on behaving like bachelor boy behind your back.
DON'T BE TAKEN FOR A FOOL!
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (27 September 2012):
 So sorry, but I don't see any other possible explanation. He is definitely cheating. I think the proposal was an attempt to cover his tracks more than a commitment (you said it yourself, that his proposal is the reason you are questioning whether he could really be cheating).
I don't see there being any other option than to break up with him. I'm sorry this is happening. The mere fact that he only just now wants to get married nine years into your relationship is another tip off that something is amiss.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2012): He may think he can marry you and still go on with this type of behaviour. He needs a big wake up call. Don't marry him if you are not one hundred per cent certain that he is really the sort of man you want to marry. There is nothing more to it. Actions speak louder than words - he can say he loves and wants to be with you - but it means nothing if he is going to behave in this way.
...............................
A
female
reader, Nats44 +, writes (27 September 2012):
Postpone it immediately. Wedding dress or not. I really think you need to sit down and have it out with this guy with about all the things you mentioned. You cannot and must not allow yourself to marry this guy .. imagine - you could have the next ten - twenty years like this. It doen't t matter how far the wedding arrangements have got.Your happiness matters. Cancel it. Have you got family you can speak to about this? please do not go through with it. x
...............................
|
