A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I've come to you all for advice before and recieved a mixture of abuse, passive aggression and sexism. I ask you please to respond as if yuo are the shriks you claim to be!Me and my wife have been together 14 years. We have no kids and don't plan on having them. Our relationship is slowly disintegrating but she doesn't seem to care and I've started doing things I shouldn't be.My wife is career driven and that's ok- I like that in a woman. But nowadys she chooses her work over almost everything else, including me. Yes, the me part bothers me the most, but I'm also talking about her health, social life and sleep.Sex is so irregular and when it does happen, she is so uninterested it's not worth bothering. An example- she refuses to go on top because she doesn't like to get out of breath. Because she isn't loking after her health, I'm no longer attracted to her physically and find it difficult to stay in the game with a woman I don't fancy and who doesn't really want to be having sex.I've talked to her about it before, but she doesn't seem interested in trying to resolve it. She doesn't really respond, except to sometimes say that she 'buys me things and pays the rent' so I should be happy (we share the rent 40/60). She doesn't seem to want to understand that this is becoming a dealbreaker for me.Now, before the lectures of 'you need to treat your woman right!' begin I need to make it clear: I am a hopeless romantic. I believe in working hard but also working to live. And I am a huge believer in resting, relaxing, enjoying each other's company, doing none sexual things to and for each other. She doesn't do or accept any of these things because she chooses to work instead. If, for example, we go out for a drink, it's on a strict deadline and she only talks about work during. I have to add that her work is not performance based and much of the work she does in the evening is unpaid, though it 'looks good on the CV.'Now, as for what I've been doing wrong. Well, a couple of years ago, I met a married woman who made it clear she wanted an affair. We did meet up once or twice but never had sex. I managed to control myself and thought that I wouldn't want to risk my marriage- I thought it could be saved back then. I met this woman again a year ago (it's a work thing) and we ended it before it got any further. I spent the last year trying to get my wife to understand that we have a problem that we need to address, but to no success.So I found myself going on a 'date' with another woman this weekend, while my wife was out of the country for work. I say 'date,' because she is a friend of a friend and made it clear she wasn't interest in me during the evening. But I felt good about it. The small amount of attention and talking about things that mean nothing has made me feel like me again. I know I've started something I need to stop but I'm looking for the next opportunity already.To me the only option is to tell my wife that things are pretty much broken beyond repair and seperate, but I don't want to do that. There is still love left.What should I do?
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affair, married woman, no longer attracted Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (7 June 2018):
First You might want to stop dating.
Or you might want to accept that sometimes relationships run their course and this may be the case with your marriage.
You have explained to your wife how you feel and she has blown you off. It sounds like she has little love or respect for you or concern for your marriage. it may be time to move on.
And no one here, at least in my reading has claimed to be a shrink.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2018): Op here
First- thanks for being kind, especially regarding my own aggression in the original post. While I've had some really unpleasant responses to my requests for advice on past occasions when I've come here for help, I have also recieved useful advice- which is why I return.
I won't deny that I am almost basically going out and dating again behind my wife's back (you responses made me understand that, no matter how I word it, it's what I'm doing), I do it because of the lack of attention I get at home- not just sexually. Yes, I am not attracted to my wife like I used to be, but it's not just the physical side of things- it's more the emotional attraction that is lacking.
There have been a number of times where I've concluded to myself that things are ruined and I have to make the break but I don't want to. I know I need to tell her but I've tried telling her before and she never paid attention. I guess I'm delaying the inevetable break up that is likely to be round the corner.
Thanks again folks, you have helped me realise for sure that I've already probably began to move on.
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A
female
reader, MOBell +, writes (4 June 2018):
Cheating isn't going to fix your marriage. It will only make things worse. You two need professional counseling ASAP, or it will be too late.
It sounds like the thing that's killing your marriage is apathy. Google this, and you'll learn a lot about it, including some helpful tips about dealing with it.
You need to talk to your wife again about your feelings and tell her that you're thinking about ending the marriage. She needs to understand how serious the situation is. If she's not committed to working on the relationship with you, then there really is no hope.
Know also that she's not solely at fault. You're both at fault for the current state of the marriage. Please don't come off as accusing when you talk to her as that would only add fuel to the fire.
Also, know that your wife is at the age that her hormones are changing, and this could be the reason why she is no longer as interested in sex. I know, because I've been there, and, yes, that was very hard on my marriage, but we remained committed to each other above all things.
And we're still together after 36 years. And I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful and satisfying it is to be in such a long-term relationship with my best friend.
Life will change and problems will come, but we know that we can always count on each other.
HRT might help your wife if the problem is hormone related. She may even be experiencing depression, which could be why she's getting lost in her work and not feeling up to doing things with you. Talk to her about this.
As for looks--we all lose our looks when we get old. What's more important than your physical attraction to her is the bond you share, the inner person that she is, and the love you have for each other. Above all things, you two should be best friends, sharing in everything. That's what makes a successful marriage.
Good luck. I hope you're able to salvage your marriage and find happiness together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2018): You are just waiting for the right opportunity to have an affair. You have come close twice but it has not happened. YET. But it will. Will the third time be the charm?
From someone who has been there, it just isn't worth the pain and devastation it causes once the affair is exposed. Everybody ends up hurt.
The married man because if he is truly remorseful, looks at himself and the person he has become, and it is hard to live with that kind of guilt and shame. Also, he knows what kind of pain he caused his wife. He did not see it while he was in the affair because he was selfish. But he will see it in the after math. That I promise you. The wife still loves him but somewhere along the way, there has been a disconnect between them. Take this as your wake up call, to either do something about your marriage or let it go and move on and date whomever you please.
But do not start another relationship before you are divorced. The other woman may fall in love with you. What will you give her but sex, no commitment and scraps of your time. You will give her a dishonest man who was not strong and capable enough of making a decision. Women start out in affairs thinking they can handle them but in the long run, they will demand more and need more. Married men can never give more and end up devastating the other woman, besides his wife. He can never fully commit to either because he is escaping something. He needs to look within himself for the answers.
Even if you did start a relationship which became serious with an affair partner, it will be plagued and eventually destroyed by suspicion and mistrust. Your new partner will never be able to trust you because she knows what you are capable of by cheating on your wife. And because of the constant mistrust and anxiety of you cheating on her, this new relationship would be doomed. Love wouldn't hold you together and neither would sex.
You need to start off on a clean slate. On the right foot. Do things properly so that whatever relationship comes after your marriage will survive and thrive.
I do suggest telling your wife how you feel. Be up front and honest. See if she is willing to work on it with you. You owe her that being her husband for 14 years. Communication is so important. When you don't communicate your needs to each other and remain silent, it creates a wedge and you both end up pulling away from each other and over time, this distance grows and becomes harder to bridge. So, first step: Talk to her. Tell her the truth. Tell her how you are feeling like getting attention outside the marriage. How you have come close. And how can you both fix this. It may make things better. Or worse. But at least you will have an honest resolution and be able to move forward with a clear direction in your life. I think your wife needs to know the severity of the situation. I believe in complete honesty, even if it hurts a person.
Life is too short to live in misery. We all have the power to change a situation if we are not happy with it. Marriage is not a life sentence. We need to feel passion in this life. I get that passion fades in long term relationships but it does not have to. You can find it again if you really want to but it will be a team effort. If you really think your marriage is dead, then you are free to find that passion with another person. But do it as a free man.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2018): Not having kids makes it so much easier. I think you guys should go for a trial separation and see how that works, because to be honest I think you two still love each other and you have become accustumed to being together but at the same time you are bored of each other. Trial separation will make your thoughts and feelings much clearer, then you can decide either to stay together or go for a divorce. Have you seen the movie Who is afraid of virginia wolf? I recommend it although it is a very old movie.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (3 June 2018):
 First up I have never seen any body claiming to be a shrink on this site, if you want a shrink I suggest you put your hand in your pocket and pay for one.
What you get here is a variety of VOLUNTEERS from a variety of countries with a variety of learned life's experiences. We can only assume when somebody posts a question here that they are asking us to dig deep into those experiences and share the lessons learnt.
I'm surprised you bothered coming back considering the opinion you have of the answers received on your last visit.
You don't sound happy in your marriage, in fact a few years ago you toyed with the idea of an affair but didn't go through with it …. you've done the same again more recently.
Did your wife know about those or were they all hush hush? Your actions suggest that you have already opted out of the relationship, your body might be there but your spirit isn't.
Its time to tell your wife you aren't happy even though you still love her, and that things need to change drastically. If she isn't interested then move on out and on with your life.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (3 June 2018):
What Aunts and Uncles are offering on this site is a caring,coming from their life experience of the University of life[with respect to other Added degrees they may have].Taking the time to give the best advise/opinion they have on a particular situation.It may not be what you want to hear..but it is your choice to take it or not.As you say there is some love in your relationship...but it sounds like you are not in love with your wife,but there are 2 sides to every relationship.However as you seem so unhappy.Get a divorce.....no point in two people being unhappy...life is to short..Nora B.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (3 June 2018):
 Shrinks? Where on earth did you get that impression from? I'm pretty sure there is not one "shrink" among us, ha ha! And nowhere have I ever seen on this forum any claim to that effect. If you want to talk to a professional, seek professional help via your doctor. Don't come on a public forum on which a mixture of people will offer opinions and advice.
If you want to hear opinions and advice from non-professionals, then here is mine. You and your wife sound to have disconnected completely. She seems completely focussed on work, to the extent that she can't even talk about anything else. (This is according to YOUR side of the story of course, as we don't have HER side which I, for one, would love to hear.)
It is ironic that one of the qualities which attracted you to her is now the very thing which seems to be driving you apart. From the sound of it, you have tried to sort this out in the sense that you have tried discussing it with her. You cannot FORCE her to change.
I do wonder how happy SHE is in this relationship. Is it possible she is as unhappy as you are? Can you sit her down and tell her, in no uncertain terms, that you either need to repair your relationship or call it a day and separate? I know you say that is not what you want but your alternative, if nothing changes, is to carry on like this for the foreseeable future. Is THAT what you want?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 June 2018):
 None of us are shrinks so take that with a grain of salt...
IF you are not happy and feel like cheating is how you fix your marriage, why NOT just ask for a divorce?
Be single. Date around.
You can love someone and NOT be a good fit. And you can love someone and not be good with them.
Do you like who you have become?
You can't change HER. And you don't want to change yourself - not really.
Divorce her. No need for two people to be miserable.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 June 2018):
 I don't see how your story would warrant abuse, passive aggression and sexism. Maybe some comments about how women can't lose weight that easily because they are built differently from men. Or how she is using work to escape the feeling of insecurity and also mistrust due to you meeting a married woman. To say there is love left, you are hoping that somehow she will lose weight, take time to relax with you, and to be interested in sex again. That seems impossible for a woman who is focusing on building a career to compensate for her physical looks. You are just postponing the inevitable. Love is not enough if you are not happy. You have the option to tell her in case she is clueless. Or you can just say you are done and have lost patience for her to improve things.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2018): You should get a divorce. There's no love or passion in your marriage; and your wife apparently doesn't like you.
You've already dated another woman; so it would have been more logical to divorce your wife first, then pursue other romantic-interests. You did that backwards.
You can't force or talk people into loving you. Your wife doesn't seem to desire sex with you; mainly because...as I said, she doesn't like you. Your posts are basically all the same; but the wording is different.
What should you do?
Get a divorce! If she refuses, get an uncontested divorce. I hear the greatest percentage of divorces in the UK are uncontested. You can also get a legal-separation, get your own place to live; and live happily ever-after.
No one here is practicing psychology or offering professional-advice. It's a advice website in an open-forum; which allows anyone to participate, and offer their opinions. It's up to you to read them, or ignore them.
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