A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Recently I have realised just how much my boyfriend does for his mother and their family but I don't want to point it out to him because I know it will do no good.My boyfriend is three years younger and he still lives at home. His rent covers almost half the mortgage payments, and he does the weekly shop with his mum and almost every time he pays for the whole cart. I know it seems like I'm just being nasty, but it's not up to him to pay for his mother's household! His two younger sister's are both still at school, so he is always helping her with everything! His dad walked out before I met him, and ever since his mum decided to buy a new house with her settlement has struggled to keep up with bills ect. I have been seeing my boyfriend for a year and a half, and his family are lovely and I get on with them really well, but it annoys me so much that he works so hard for his money and his mother get's all the benefits. I know he feels like he is the man of the house now and he has to stand up but it's getting to the point that my boyfriend is missing out on things! He won't move in with me because he can't leave his mum and his sister's. He asked if I would move in with them, which his mum said was ok but I don't want to move in there when I'd prefer to live alone with him. He was saving up for a new car last Christmas but he had to buy the family a new washing machine when theirs broke, so a massive chunk went on that. We wanted to go on holiday together but he couldn't afford it.I think what he is doing is great but I don't feel he should have to do everything for his family when he should be having fun and living his life. What can I do or say to make my point? Should I just let this go until the next thing happens or maybe talk to his mum? I understand why is does it, but he shouldn't have to.
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male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (10 May 2014):
 "it annoys me so much that he works so hard for his money and his mother get's all the benefits." OP It Is for his benefit and that of his sisters too. He lives in that household so if a washing machine breaks he cant really come home with a new car and no means to do his washing. His mom may be unable to cope without her husband being, for the want of a better word, the man of the house. My dad was very ill a couple of years ago following a heart attack and my mom didn't even know how to use a bank card, cash machine or understand a bank statement. Congratulations on having a boyfriend who, unlike so many young people today, is financially mature, sensible, unmaterialistic and doing right for his family. He clearly has his priorities sorted out - a family with two school girls generates a lot of washing, so a washing machine is a must. A New meanwhile car is a luxury not a necessity. There are two adults in the house. Your BF and his mom. His mother has every right to ask any adult who lives in the house to pay there fair share of the mortgage. Sometimes when someone goes through a divorce, and children are involved, people can loose sight of reality and get themselves into a mess financially by trying to ease the pain of separation with a newer house, etc. You BF maybe put upon in response to that but sacrifices have to be made. Unfortunately adult life brings responsibilities and financial burdens. Yes he should be enjoying himself while young but his circumstances dictate that he currently cannot. OP you are aged 22-25 and he is 3 years younger so 18/19 to 22. He has plenty of time to settle down with you as you are both still quite young. A year and a half relationship seems a long time when your young, when your older a year and a half doesn't seem very long at all. If you are still together in the near future then maybe the situation needs to change and he needs to become more financially independent and concentrate more on his partner, but for now you havent been together than long and you are both still maturing and developing. As Cindy Cares right y said, who knows if you will be together in 2 years time? Life changes pretty quickly when your young. If more young people SAVED money for things, took on responsibilities like that and prioritised money in a sensible way instead of blowing it on "celebrity" lifestyles, designer brands and materialistic things the world we be a much better place.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 May 2014):
 I sense a culture problem here. In many societies it is perfectly normal what your boyfriend does, and more so it is expected of him to do these things. If he didn't help out he'd be seen as selfish, egocentric and a bad person. So think twice before you say what you wish for... Him abandoning his family would mean he would just as easily abandon you, if you and him were ever to be married with kids.
Think about that.
Him contributing shows responsibility, more responsibility and maturity than you're showing. Maybe you're not used to seeing such maturity in peers, or those who are younger than you. It is an adult decision to spend money on a washing machine, rather than a vacation with the girlfriend.
While it sucks to not go places etc, you need to remember that luxuries are luxuries.. Not human rights. Not everyone can afford to go on vacation, or buy cars etc. He is contributing to this household, so that means he can not always up and do whatever egoistic, selfish thing he wants to. He knows this, which I respect.
Just imagine how many young men waste their money on alcohol or drugs or even worse: videogames, instead of spending their money on vacations or on girlfriends, lol. You'd be feeling real shitty if the man you were dating was selfish and only cared for himself... Because he wouldn't be using money to go on vacation with you then either, he'd just use it on himself only.
No, this is a real gem you've got here. Value it, even if that means you need to go on vacation alone from time to time.
And whats so bad about moving in with him and his family? Several years ago I lived with my then boyfriend and his mother and younger brother, and it was a win-win situation. He'd moved in with her to share the cost of rent, because she was recently divorced and had little income. I moved in too, and she was so nice I didn't even have to pay 1/3 of the rent, I just paid 1/4. Of course, that was a rented place. I imagine if you move in with him, when they own the place, you'd be staying for free, or just having to pay utilities. Which is a very good deal for you. It means you can save the money you'd otherwise spend on rent, and you know what? You can use that money to go on vacation, or just save up a whole chunk so you get to do whatever you want later on in life. Don't throw away an opportunity like this where it's win-win.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 May 2014):
 And who should help, in your opinion ? The two sisters who , being younger than him, are still schoolgirs and probably still teenagers ? what do you suggest, taking them off school and sending them as maids ? At,like, Downton Abbey ?
That's his family , and that's his household too, not just his mother's. He lives there, he eats there, he uses that same washing mmachine which he pitched in for. One third of the house - unless his mother goes crazy and leaves everything to stray cats - will be his, and I am willing to bet that one of the main reasons his mother bought this house was not because she wanted to live it up, but because she wanted to give some financial security IN THE LONG RUN to her offspring.
Regardless of that- they are a family, and they operate as family. At least in theory, family are supposed to do precisely that, assist each other in moments of need, and whomever CAN, helps as much as they can , within the limits of reason of course . ( Which do not seem having been exceeded , since all your bf is skipping is some "fun " and holidays which he has all his life for catching up with ).
That's his family, not a boarding house, and he is a son and a brother, not a lodger,- that's why he does not say : sorry, my part would be just strictly for the food and electricity I consume.
Hopefully and probably, that's a temporary situation, until somebody can come up with something to improve finances, or, until the girls have finished school, and can be employed and share the burden.
In the meantime, I am sure that your bf makes some sacrifices because he WANTS and he is happy to do it, not just because he is forced by the circumstances , or by a greedy parent. Yes, some children do not LIKE to see their mom struggle and will do all they can to avoid that, because it hurts THEM- ...what a novel and bizarre concept, eh, OP ?...
As for the mom not pulling her weight as Caring Aunty A suggests,...we don't know, we have no idea. For all we know, she IS already going to work and bringing home a salary, the OP did not say that this lady is a homemaker. But if she was, with three people to keep house for , she is already having a full time job, albeit an unpaid one, and if she feels, or her children feel, that she can't take on more work, and that's the best solution for them, who are we to challenge that.
In short, no, OP, don't say anything. It's really not a concern of yours, although I understand perfectly your frustration and the negative impact that your bf's committments have on your life as a couple, and I don't blame you at all for feeling disappointed. But, at the end of the day,... a GF at 19-22 ( your bf's age range ) is most probably a metheor, a temporary person in his life. Who knows if you still will be there in 5 , or 10 years. While, a mother and two sister will be his family forever, so, where he's coming from, is not such a strange place.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (10 May 2014):
 He sounds great, how lovely that he's there for his mum and sisters.
Do not talk to his mum about money, its a private subject between family. She would far rather be independent and coping I am sure.
If anyone talks to anyone it would be your fella and his dad, so he can tell him how he's helping support 'his' children and ex . But I doubt his mum would like even that or that his dad would listen.
If it's a good time you want, holidays a car, and your not prepared to put up with this anymore, his lack of money for you, then move on.
He will be helping out till his sisters can chip in, even then they will be putting mum first no doubt, till she finds her feet.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (10 May 2014):
 I have a slightly different slant on this picture than our Aunts; if she can’t keep up with the bills, what on earth is she doing!? She could look into getting a job (?); make a budget and cut down on nonessentials etc. for a start. I see it as her responsibility to provide for her children’s essentials… whilst her children can contribute and step up admirably by all means; it’s ultimately her responsibility
From what you write, she is placing the onus/burden completely, if not, unfairly on her son. He’s to carry the guilt for their Father leaving them. And what’s with buying a NEW house, NEW wash machine, NEW car with this family? Haven’t they heard of secondhand washers etc or is this something beneath their standards!?
To me it doesn’t sound like she’s prepared to take small or any sacrifices… Talk about whose benefiting! You are so perceptive, but best you not speak to her as you are not moving in! IF you end up moving in, then it becomes your business to discuss finances, rent and expenditures with your boyfriend.
Meanwhile he’s simply doing what he feels is right, much to his credit, but without the experience of knowing how to say NO to his Mother. Next it’ll be NEW curtains or something… So yes you are right, there won’t be holidays, savings for a new car, having fun or him living his life… I suspect; He’s a replacement for her Husband
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (10 May 2014):
 Do not talk to his mum. What happens financially in that family is none of your business and you have no right to be raising finances with his mother.
Sure, he shouldn't have to help his family like this, but its possible he sees it as the only way forward for him and his family at this stage.
I expect this situation will change in a few years as the family find their feet and adjust to their new lives, if you believe this is the guy for you, you just need to hang in there for a while.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (9 May 2014):
 As someone who has been in a similar situation to your boyfriend, it is difficult to explain the feeling of financial responsibility for a parent who is struggling. My parents divorced and the house had to be remortgaged, which for my mum alone on her low salary was an almost impossible situation. Without me putting into the household budget we literally would have lost everything in order to pay off my father. It took the death of both my Grandparents before we were able to finally pay off this debt.
Sometimes life is not cut and dried in the way people live. Life can be crap. Life can be hard, and sometimes you just have to get on with it and do things for the greater good.
Try and think of it from his perspective. If he didn't put the money in for the mortgage, would his mother be able to pay it? If not, what would happen? She, his sisters and him would have to sell the house.
How old are his sisters? Do they need stability in order to complete exams etc? Divorce can cause serious emotional damage to children which can last many years, and from personal experience it is something that still gets to me even now.
He probably feels responsible as his father abandoned them - men can get very protective in certain situations.
For example, the washing machine. This is an essential piece of equipment. And a big lump sum all at once. When you have no money, that can be the difference between not paying the mortgage or not eating. He had money saved up, he chipped in.
Do you feel he should be spending all his money on you? It is his money, to do with what he wants.
I don't know what kind of childhood you had, or if you have been through divorce, or been on the breadline, but when you have nothing, you have to stick together and live within your means. Try being a little less judgemental and look beyond the spending to WHY your boyfriend does this.
It does come across that you are being a little shallow and just thinking about YOU.
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