A
male
age
41-50,
*nthony 33
writes:Hi, I ve posted on this website before and I ve found the answers helpful so I am back looking for some more advice please.Should I get married to my on off girlfriend of four years given that we have had quite a volatile relationship?The reason I am asking this is because in spite of everything I am still very much in love with her and have never loved anyone as much in my life before this. Basically we have been in a 4 year on / off relationship and my girlfriend and I have decided to go ahead and get engaged now. In spite of all the ups and downs and the painful breakups I love her dearly I really do and I believe she loves me.We did split up about ten times over the past 4 years and a lot of negative stuff happened between us. While I can't totally forget the stuff that happened particularly when I never once called it off, we have decided to move on from all that.I know that this is just one side of the story of our relationship and there are of course two sides, but I will try and give as objective an overview as I can.I apologise in advance if this seems a bit long winded but I will try and make this as short as I can.Four years ago she came to work in the city that I was living in, she had a long term boyfriend (I thought their relationship was off ) when we first got together. We spent every evening together and were intimate, however as she would return home every single weekend I quickly realised that something was not quite right. We talked about it and she told me she had a boyfriend but she wasn't sure what she wanted to do. We kept in contact until Christmas which was when she returned to her home city to live. I guess I should have cut contact as soon as I found out about him, but she said she couldnt decide between us. When I pushed her for an answer she would say "time will tell" and as I had by this stage fallen deeply in love with her I hoped that she would chose me. I talked to my sister about this and she thought I had low self esteem to continue seeing someone who hadnt completely split up from her previous boyfriend.I thought that by giving her space and time she would return to me. When it came for her to move back to her home city, she moved in with him straight away and basically cut all contact with me. This was four and a half years ago. I found this extremely painful but with time came to accept that I was probably just a fling while she was in my city. Four months later they split up and she moved out of his house. She then contacted me and asked about giving us another go. I was extremely hesitant ( as were my friends and family as they seen how hurt I was 1st time ) but after a long chat and the fact that she said she was now truly single we decided to give it another go. As soon as we started going out her sister half joking half serious told me to "watch her as she has a roving eye".We started going out and about two to three months into the relationship this time I sensed something was not right. I asked her if she was in contact with her ex and she swore on several occassions that they were finished. One evening while flicking through photos on her camera I came across photos of her ex taken at his house. The camera shows the dates the pictures were taken and it was four months after we started going out. When I asked her about this she said I had no right looking at her pictures ( which I accept may be true however I never would have found out if I didnt)We talked through it and I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. She had some time off work so we decided to get a house together. Two months after moving in we had an arguement about bills - she didnt want to contribute anything towards them. The end result was her clearing all her stuff out of the house, throwing the key back at me and moving out. This was the second time we split up and so I decided to leave her alone completely after this. This was three and a half years ago. A short time later she started ringing and texting and coming up to visit and eventually we started going out again. We attended a wedding together and she got drunk and started flirting with the best man and his mate. It was embarassing because they asked me if we were going out. When she was sober I asked her about this and she said she couldnt remember and said "it was only a bit of fun"Three years ago she got a job in the same city as me again and moved in with me again. In order not to be arguing about bills I paid for everything. I also always pay for meals, trips to cinema etc. Even with that, about six weeks after moving in she moved out again as we were arguing about small stuff. I had found out that as well as visiting her ex behind my back, she was ringing and texting him.My condition for taking her back was that she would stop contacting him and also remove him from her facebook page. She agreed to stop contacting him but wouldnt remove him from her FB page.So she called it off ( for the 3rd time ) and changed her FB status to single.A short time later she started contacting me again saying she wanted us to get back together again. I was hesitant about it but I forgave her and so we got back together again. Three months after getting back together she became cool and distant again. She kept talking about how her laptop was really important to her and it was a present. We both knew that it was her previous boyfriend that bought it to her. Anyhow she called it off again ( 4th time). This was three years ago and this time I was determined to move on.The pattern by now is familiar, usually about a month after we split up and when I am just about starting to re-build my shattered life she would show up again, we would get back together, she would call it off and I would be right back where I started.A short time later she started contacting me again. We had now had an off relationship for two years. This time I said we were not getting back together unless we were getting engaged. Her response was "we ll just go with the flow". Three months later, her close friends started to get engaged, one by one. These would have been her partying friends. Where we had been in an on off relationship they had been going steady for years. Then she decided she would like to get engaged. Given that we had such a volatile relationship I was suprised at this.Because I was hesitant and didnt want to make a mistake, I took a job in a different city for four months. I guess I thought if she is still serious time shouldnt be a barrier. We had daily phone contact however when I returned she refused to meet me unless I proposed with an engagement ring. At this stage we had three years of an on off relationship. I tried to explain that I wanted a steady constant relationship before getting engaged so for another two months she wouldnt see me. When we did get back together I was never invited on nights out with her friends. When her friends had house parties one year ago, I would find out about them after they had happened. When I asked her why she didnt invite me she would say she either forgot or thought I didnt want to come. Que another breakup.Over the past twelve months we have broken up on two other occasions. She tells me she feels totally insecure because I never proposed to her. I would of course love to get married but with her I never know when shes going to grow tired of me and call it off again, That brings us up to the last few months where we had been going out steady and we have decided to get engaged. She had been looking at different engagement rings and we couldn't agree on the cost. She wanted to book a week away for us however I asked her not to book it until I could confirm I could get the time off work. We had an argument while I was driving on the motorway and so she demanded to be taken to the train station to go home. Normally I would try and talk her out of it however this time I didn't. I took her to the train station and stopped contacting her. There were another five times when we broke up and got back together however I didn't put the details in here as it would make this too long, also on those occasions we got back together again after a shorter period of time.I have never been the one to actually call it off, though she would say my actions would have contributed to it on some occassions. My friends and family ask why I am so forgiving, I guess its because in spite of everything I have said, I really really love her. When the relationship is good, its great, when its bad - its called off completely.Anyway she called me quite a lot over the first month, though I didn't go to meet her. I went through everything that happened between us and she promised to change and that she will take everything on board. I may sound foolish for saying this but I am inclined to believe that she has changed and that if we go ahead and get engaged now that she will be honest, loyal and respectful. I can ( if I work on it ) try and forgive her, the problem is I am having huge difficulty forgetting. Has too much happened to consider getting married or should we go our separate ways. In one sense she tells me that she was immature and spoiled when we first started going out however she now realizes that she cant behave that way. I ve discussed attending a relationship counsellor and she is agreeable to this only if we get engaged first. Should I go ahead and marry this girl who has now matured and promises to tell the truth or has too much happened? I would have married her a long time ago if we hadn't had such a volatile relationship with such huge trust issues. I guess my heart is saying I love her madly and to just go ahead and get married. My head however reminds me of all the hurt, betrayal and lies which makes it difficult to trust her. Sounds strange but if I dont marry her the thought of her being with someone else makes me really sad and if I am honest jealous. So should I marry a girlfriend whom I love and has no matured and will be honest and wants to settle down, or, because we have had such a lot of negative stuff over the past four and half years, should we just leave it and go our separate ways?!
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broke up, christmas, drunk, engaged, facebook, flirt, get back together, got back together, her ex, immature, insecure, jealous, move on, moved in, moved out, period, self esteem, split up, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (16 April 2013):
 If you marry her I think there are two sides to consider the upside and the downside. The downside would be the inevitable costly divorce (and she WILL take you the cleaners). The upside is the huge savings you'll have on doormat purchases.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (16 April 2013):
You're not going to take anyone's advice at this point. If you're smart you know damn well that NOBODY in their right mind would recommend marrying her. Her actions weren't caused by a lack of maturity, they are the actions of someone with a serious character flaw. That's absolutely not something that's cured by an expensive ring.
Let me ask you something. What's the longest you've been together and happy in a row? A few months? Does it make sense to you to marry someone who can't stay with one person for more than a few months at a time?
She doesn't want to get married to you because she loves you and wants to spend the rest of her life with you, she wants to marry you because she feels her clock ticking since her friends are all settling down. And, she knows without a doubt, that she can do anything she wants, cheat, go back to old boyfriend, flirt and make a fool out of you, etc, and you'll continue to allow it because you have already done so 10+ times.
Do you want kids? Is this the 'relationship/love' example that you want to set for them?
This is what you need to do: put her new found "maturity" to the test. Tell her that if you guys can have a good, breakup/cheating free relationship for X months (should be long enough to know that she's changed), that you will buy her a ring and propose. If she threatens to break up if you don't propose you have your answer. If she can't go a few months without contacting her ex you have your answer. If she does anything to make you think she hasn't changed (and she will) you have your answer.
I'd save yourself from the inevitable and leave now. But at the very least follow my advice.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (16 April 2013):
 You should not be considering marriage if you have any doubts.Give the relationship time, and see how you feel in 6 months to a year.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (16 April 2013):
 I think you want to believe that she has changed, but these are just WORDS, no part of her behaviour has shown you that she has actually matured and has changed. The fact that she said she'll only see a relationship counsellor if your engaged shows just how desperate she is for a ring on her finger - she doesnt care who the ring comes from, just as long as she has a ring on her finger. That smacks of immaturity to me, if she was really serious about you she would know that getting engaged now would be foolish, because you havent been able to stay together for more than a couple of months without breaking up.I'm sure I have answered one of your questions in the past, I'm sure my advice was that you were being used and you needed to leave her - but here you are again, still being treated like a doormat simply because you 'love' her. Let me tell you this - there is a lot more to relationships than just love. Love is actually pretty low down on the list of priorities! What should come before love is trust, honesty, mutual respect for each other, care and the committment to making it work. This girl has NONE of these things, she is not trustworthy, is never honest, doesnt respect you at all, doesnt show any care for you and most importantly, has no committment to making this relationship work. She bails at the first sign of trouble - so if you were stupid enough to get engaged then I can tell you now, she will be throwing that engagement ring back in your face at least 10 times before you make it down the aisle with her. You said you argued about the price of the ring. Let me guess, your budget didnt meet her expectations? She wanted a more expensive ring? Again that just smacks of immaturity and selfishness, showing you that she hasnt changed AT ALL. If she wanted to get engaged through love and wanting to be with you, then she wouldnt care how much the ring costs because she would just be happy to be spending the rest of her life with you. If she wanted a more expensive ring, it shows that the ring and the big fancy wedding is more important than WHO she is actually marrying. I dont think you are going to listen to anyone's advice to be honest, you've asked before and we told you to walk away yet you are a glutton for punishment, you will never grow a pair and just walk away from this woman whose only desire in life is to walk all over you. She will keep taking and taking until there is nothing left, sucking all of the life out of you and you wont ever have any faith in humankind again. I know that is pretty drastic but she is HORRIBLE. This isnt a relationship, all she is doing is using you and you are too dumb just to walk away. If you really wont walk away from her, then at least do this 1 thing for me - wait until you have been together for at least 6 months without breaking up before you propose. Test her, see if she really has changed and if she genuinely loves you. If she does really love you, and is now as mature as she claims then she will happily wait 6 months before you get engaged because she will want to prove to you that the relationship is better now and that you will have a happy marriage. If she cant manage 6 months without breaking up with you, and is demanding that you get engaged, then it is clear she doesnt care one bit about you and your feelings, she only cares about a ring on her finger and how much that ring costs. You sound like such a genuine, nice person; you have just been so unlucky to meet a despicable woman like this. The right thing to do would be to walk away, change your number and never look back, because she will keep hurting you, she will try and divorce you a thousand times if you did get married and she would probably end up running off with another guy. But I dont think you will ever listen to this advice, I think deep down you know you should have walked away a long time ago but you clearly just enjoy the pain and dont have the balls to leave.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2013): Dump her, move on, change your number.
Honestly what advice would you give a friend who was in this situation.
This is just sad.
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