A
male
age
36-40,
*boutToGetMarried
writes:Is it okay for me to ask my fiancee to look at her emails, texts, and facebook one time? I will gladly let her look at mine.I am engaged to woman w/ a very promiscuous past and want to confirm that she will be faithful by asking to read her facebook/text messages/emails for peace of mind. I will only do it once and ensure her that it will only be once. I also have a promiscuous past but for the past 4 years, I have come to realize the importance of meaningful and loving monogamy.I absolutely love this woman and adore her. No woman on this planet has ever made me feel this way--not even close.My background: 28 years old. I have had dozens of women but never desired to have threesomes or get any other woman involved (definitely no men).My fiancee: 24 years old. She has had dozens of partners, is bi, had many threesomes with both men and women, been tag teamed many times, etc. She is still friends with well over a dozen of her previous sexual partners and hangs out with them from time to time.She is very flirty with men and thinks it's important for her to make men feel good because she gives them "healthy" attention from the opposite sex that they would otherwise not receive. I love how sexual she is but at times, I can't help but think she is still craving for attention. She is absolutely beautiful and has a tremendous amount of sex appeal. This woman is not easy to handle! If I go to the bathroom at a bar, I come back from the restroom with at least one other guy talking to her. I am not sure if this is the way men are or if she is giving them the "fuck me" eyes with the intent of them coming over to her.I am a very successful entrepreneur and have a lot more to lose than her. It is important that I make the right decision. I am not comfortable at all with her sexual past because the thought of two guys with her at the same time disgusts me. However, I am a confident man and can deal with her sexual past. Furthermore, I can deal with the bi thing I guess and she wants me to watch her but I will not have any part of it. I don't want the other girl involved to have her boyfriend watch it either (I can picture the situation of the other guy being there trying to get in on the action).I am trying to approach this as rationally as I can. I never thought the woman of my dreams would have such a wild past. I am very fortunate that she has been open and honest with me...I just need this confirmation before we take the next step.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): Your not worried about her promiscuity in the past your worried about FUTURE promiscuity. Your not gonna find a Crystal ball anywhere. Your worried because you don't really think she has changed and from the sound of it she hasn't. I've been in threesomes and with women but when I got married that was it. She's telling you your not enough already since she wants women too. I agree with the guy who said make it a long engagement or break it off. The sex might be fantastic but a marriage is a lifetime commitment she doesn't seem ready to handle. If u go through with it then get a prenup. If she says no your suspions are confirmed if she says yes then ends up in a gangbang video you haven't lost it all.
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (5 November 2012):
Unless you want to confirm your doubts reading her emails etc is pointless.Your fiance obviously hasnt filled you with trust for her and I dont blame you for being unsure. I have known a couple of women a bit like your fiance, they are now on husband 4 or 5 and sort of calmed down but I think also in semi open relationships. Sounds like she has a take me as I am attitude and if you cant then walk away.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 November 2012):
 What happened in the past is HER past.... and you are naive to expect her to reveal it all to you... and you are pompous to reveal that you believe you are ENTITLED to look in to her past..... AND... if she sees this, she ought to give you a one-way pass OUT OF HER LIFE... so that you can find that pristine virgin that you seek for a life partner.....
SHE, in the meantime, can look around for a sensible "boyfriend" and partner.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 November 2012):
 Do not marry her.
you do not have the right to see her present based on her past.
IF you do not trust her (and clearly you do not) then you can't FORCE that.
I have a more promiscuous past than your gf and I am Bisexual.
BUT when I married my current husband we forsake ALL others. so I don't date women or sleep with them anymore. It would be the same as if I asked permission to have sex with a man.... MONOGAMY goes both ways. IF we want marriage equality we have to treat ALL sexual relationships outside of marriage the same whether they are hetero or homo sexual.
Part of the issue is that she is still friends with former sex partners..... I have clearly seen in my current marriage that anyone I was sexual with prior to being with my partner is not really welcome in our lives any more... including married couples I played with with my last husband... it just stresses our marriage... I don't see how but my husband has a deep dislike for those particular people and I have chosen to respect his wishes.
Personally I can be friends with them but not be sexual with them. It bothers him (it's unspoken but this question has made me see clearly it's about that with him) and I respect and love my husband enough to give up friendships that bother him.
Clearly your GF does not feel that way unless you have not told her it bothers you, in which case the onus is on you. You must discus with her that you do not like her being friends with her ex sexual partners and to be honest, I really agree with you, unless a person has children with someone there is NO need to have contact with ex partners.
Truth be told, you do not trust her. And you never will. And checking her email and facebook will NOT be a one time thing and it will NOT reassure you.
Trust me I EASILY have the ability to do things that my husband would have NO clue about..... I do not. and he does not ask... we have trust. WE are totally 100% transparent with each other... email, phone, facebook, all things have common shared passwords... guess what... WE DON"T check up on each other.. no need... there is trust.
I've been in marriages without trust... not good and it never gets better....
btw if you really knew she was changed you would not need to confirm it.
my husband met me when I was married to my last husband in an open marriage. I was a swinger. Very active in the lifestyle... men, women, gang bangs, etc...and I'm not young. I have children your age. And yet, there is no concern or question that I would return to that lifestyle... or that I am doing anything worth "checking up on"
There is no question in my husband's mind that he is my one and only and that there is NOTHING to check up on.
IF you do not want her to be friends with her former partners then you tell her that. AND you can make it a contingency on the marriage that she cut all contact with former partners. IF she refuses, then you end the relationship... not because you are bullying her to do what you want her to do but because it's a condition of your relationship that she can or cannot accept.
the problem is she may do it to keep you and be resentful of you for it.
perhaps finding a different women is a better option.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (4 November 2012):
Listen, OP. You do not trust her because otherwise you wouldn't feel the need to confirm that it isn't one big game for her. She's your fiancee now. Do you really think she'd bind herself to one man if her main objective is to continue her promiscuous lifestyle? The only reason a promiscuous woman would say yes to that is if she's done with that part of her life and wants to be in a committed relationship.
Also, determine for yourself what would be enough to make you feel secure. Reading e-mails and finding nothing? She may have another e-mail address you don't know about or she may have texted. Reading texts and finding nothing? She may have had them deleted. She may have been on websites you don't know about. She may be surfing through a proxy server. There are infinite possibilities here. If a person wants to hide something, they'll find a way you'll never find out about. That's not the issue though: trust is. When you don't trust her (and you don't) nothing she'll give up will make you feel secure, because there will always be that nagging suspicion the damning evidence is somewhere else..
Personally, I'd keep the engagement a long one before you truly get married or call it off entirely. I really don't think you're ready to have her be your wife. Just imagine the pain you'd have been spared if she'd lied and told you she only had a few sexpartners. Ignorance truly is bliss sometimes, for she would not have to deal with an insecure boyfriend who wants access to every personal info she has because she told you THE TRUTH.
No promiscuous woman is actually proud of her past. Most of them know it's a huge deal breaker for many guys, so for her to actually step up and tell you all she's done is commendable. Don't punish her for that. Do you really think that if she intended to keep up the promiscuity, she'd have told you about it?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): She is trying to be a different person, but as I said, it's practically impossible for humans to be someone that they are not. It's just a matter of time. And as you yourself said, she still keeps in touch with her previous sex partners. right?
I'd say there is nothing to investigate. She needs a dumb husband to give her a social position and financial support, so that she can continue her adventures with peace of mind. (And giggle behind his back)
If you think she still deserves a chance, move in with her but don't marry her legally. Give it a few years and see what happens. I honestly hope that you won't get disappointed.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): the answer is absolutely not, you don't get to dig into her personal stuff just to ease your insecure nerves. also, what she did before you really should be none of your concern. it's what she's done since she met you that matters. trust me, you don't need to cast judgements on the past of the woman you claim to love. that won't go over well. plus, if you've been with her all this time, and you don't trust her enough to not have to violate her personal space, you don't need to be with her.
secondly, you're off base with the whole guys hitting on her at the bar thing. have you ever dated an attractive woman before? if so, then you should know how this works. she can't help that men come up to her all the time. it's what guys do. they see a good looking girl, and they approach her. i'm sure if she had it her way, guys would leave her alone. because i doubt she enjoys having to shoot them down awkwardly. so i assure you, she's not giving them the "fuck me" eyes. be a bit more confident in your girl. be proud that she's that attractive and she's YOURS. but don't take it out on her that guys can't control themselves.
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A
male
reader, AboutToGetMarried +, writes (4 November 2012):
AboutToGetMarried is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ Bimbim, we have discussed her bisexual future at great length and have come to an understanding. I have no problems with it.
@ anonymous, not only has she slept with a lot of people, she has been gangbanged, done threeways of all genders, etc (very few men would approve of this behavior for a potential wife). Yes I have also slept with a lot of people but I have not done those things. I am willing to accept her past.
@ anonymous, I just want to know that I am not being played a fool and that this is not one huge game for her. People can be cruel; the world can be cruel. I just want to confirm what I already know about her (that she a changed woman and is as loyal as my mind has constucted)
I do trust her. The reason I want to check her emails/texts/facebook is because it is not normal or accepted behavior (in most cases) that a woman about to get married (who has been incredibly promiscuous) still keeps in contact with past lovers/flings and flirts with other guys. She is the love of my life and I am willing to deal with this but I just want confirmation that she is a "changed woman". She was promiscuous this way until we started dating. I wouldn't look at her messages past the date of when we first began dating (that would be pointless).
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 November 2012):
 You say: "I am not comfortable at all with her sexual past because the thought of two guys with her at the same time disgusts me. However, I am a confident man and can deal with her sexual past".
Sorry, but no, you are not dealing with her sexual past. Also, it sounds like you are expecting her to continue having sex with other girls "Furthermore, I can deal the bi thing I guess and she wants me to watch her but I will not have any part of it"
Has she indicated this is what she wants after marriage or are you just assuming?
I dont think this is the girl for you, I feel that even if she does open up her personal emails and other online accounts for you the once you are requesting, that you will expect to be able to check up over and over again.
You have no trust in her now, other wise you would not be making this request.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (4 November 2012):
 seems like you are in over your head with her already. she still desires lots of male attention , other words there is a vacuum to be filled with her, you could give her all the attention that is possible and still not be enough for her to be happy or satisfied.
she has a colorful past that you are alright with now, but what about later. has she dealt with it , does she regret it, or is it something she would do again.
she still hangs out with old f***s , still friends with them, not broke ties to her past. how will that play with your mind after your married.
marriage is built on trust, and it sounds like there may be some trust issues in front of you. it seems like you two need to set and talk things out before it bites you after your married with her. make sure you both are on the same page, that nothing else is being hid. trust is a big issue, can you trust her. now is the time to settle this not after your married.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): Seems like you already know what she used to do in the past. So what else do you want to know by checking her internet activity?
From my personal experience, I can tell you that people do not change easily. If she was easy in the past, she will be in the future. She may try to maintain herself for a while, but she will finally go back to who she is.
But as I said, it's just my personal experience.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): My opinion is you shouldn't marry her if you can't trust her. If you can't handle her past then you most definitely shouldn't be there because when you marry you have to accept that as a part of her life. I also think you are calling the kettle black because you said you were promiscuous in your hay day as well. If she accepted you then you have to do the same.
I don't know what going into her online accounts is going to validate, but if you have to do all of this to see if she is faithful then you don't need to marry her. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (4 November 2012):
 Hi
I don't see how checking her emails etc will confirm she will be faithful in the future, you either trust her or you don't, its that simple.Reading her correspondance may make you more insecure about her,even if theres nothing to hide.
You either accept her as she is, which is a very sexual woman, take the chance she may or may not cheat with either sex, or finish it and think of it as a nice adventure you had.
If you stay then you can't question her, just hold on tight for the journey and hope it lasts.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): If you don't trust her, the relationship is going nowhere.
She's never cheated on you, you don't get access to her texts. So what if she's slept with a lot of people?
You know whats going to happen once you get access to her texts, facebook whatever. That won't be enough. Even if you don't see anything, you'll still suspect things?
Why?
Because you're insecure.
Get a prenup if you're so worried. that is literally what they are for.
Seriously, if you're engaged to her, and don't already trust her. Why make that commitment in the first place?
When you asked her to marry you did you say, 'as long as I can see your texts and stuff?'
You need to discuss this with her. that's what married couples do. They discuss things, they communicate. Do you have any ACTUAL VALID REASON not to trust her, other than she slept with a lot of people?
Why did you ask this woman to marry you? Because you loved her? Or were you desperate to tie her down?
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