A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 41 and I have been married to my wife for 19 years. We have no children. We bought this house in a large suburb (120K people) 10 years ago. It's near the mountains and we get a lot of wildlife. There are lots of trees, too, and you'd never know you are 8 miles from a large city. Even though we have been in this house 10 years, we have been in the area for 16 years and (I thought) we both loved it. On the downside, our house is very small but expensive to run. Neighbors are very close on all sides and it would be very hard to upgrade (too expensive). There has been an upsurge in crime (mostly burglaries) which made us get an alarm. Even though we weren't robbed, neighbors have been and my car was stolen from in front of the house some years back. My wife says that living here is getting to her and she wants to move somewhere very rural.However, my job is here. I really enjoy it, it's close to home (15 minutes drive), pays well, I am well-liked, and I am able to do world class research I could not do just anywhere. I could work a few other places, but none of them are truly rural. Most would pay substantially less and provide much less interesting work. I also like where we live all things considered - close to the city and its museums and restaurants, but also a few minutes hike into the mountains. I am not sure what to say to my wife other than I don't see me wanting to move. One thing to understand is that she is a former military brat, so to be somewhere for 10 years is a very long time for her - most she's lived anywhere. For another thing, she doesn't really have a career and cannot keep a stable job. Well, she can (she worked 6 years somewhere once), but she is miserable after a year and wants to quit after two. She hasn't worked in a few years now, which is okay because we can do fine on my income. On the other hand, I have worked at the same place for 15 years now, moving up the ranks.I think being home all the time in the house is starting to get to her, but neither does she really want to work. I told her she could get a job here in town to get out of the house a bit and with the extra income maybe even trade up to another house. Many of my coworkers whose wives are professionals are able to buy those $1M+ houses. Even if she made what she did at her last job we'd almost be able to do it if we saved a little first.Essentially, what she is asking me to do is uproot my successful career and leave an area I really like because it's getting on her nerves. I ask her what her plan is and she says nonsense like: "Move to the mountains away from everyone." When I ask her how we would pay bills she has no answer. I get that my career isn't everything. Marriage is give and take. However, I am not going to go along with some half-baked idea when I am the sole provider.Truthfully, she has a very nice lifestyle here. She doesn't work, has all her needs met, and we can even afford luxuries like a new BMW for her to drive. What does she want after all? Peace and tranquility? I get that. If she wants that then she needs a plan, because I am not about to leave everything I worked for because she hates traffic noise at night and the neighbor's dog barks too much for her taste. I could see me settling into my new life and then THAT neighbor's dog starts to bark. No. I know that having life's luxuries means nothing if you are unhappy, but dreaming about an existence that would be hard-pressed to happen without an actual plan or an actual willingness to work to make it happen is just that - a dream. It's insulting for me to try to provide for her and have her hate everything about her existence here - especially when she was thrilled to be here and buy this house 10 years ago. We tried remodeling, but that only made her happy for a month or three. She started working for a friend a year ago one day a week (or less) to get out of the house and now she wants to quit. She used to dance ballet, so she started classes again, but quit after two months. She can't follow through on anything long-term. She hasn't even finished her college degree yet (she started in 1988!), even though she's now just three classes short. She talked about going to grad school, so she went to speak to the chair of her department twice, they told her what to do, and... no action. That was almost four years ago with her not really working the entire time and having plenty of time to devote to her studies. I took some grad classes myself in that time period, even though I have a full-time job! To me she seems very depressed and perhaps? neurotic and while I am willing to help I am not willing to go down the tubes with her. I feel like she is drowning and her struggling is taking me down with her. I am starting to get angry and resentful at her, because I think most people would be very happy with her existence. It's like there is something "wrong" with her. I want her to see a psychologist, but she takes that as me saying she is crazy. I don't mean it in that negative way. I want her to figure out her issues and confront them, even if maybe the issue is me. (I accept that possibility as the list seems pretty narrow at this point.) Truthfully, she is starting to act crazy in some ways - obsessing over things, shutting herself off from friends, blaming others when things go wrong, and having absolute tantrums (fists pounding and everything) at the silliest nuisances like getting a stuck jar open or finding a dirty towel in the washer when she goes to put her laundry in it. Seriously. If she goes to the washer with a basket of laundry and she finds a towel in there (I spilled and cleaned up with a towel which I then tossed in the washer instead of the hamper) she will yell and pound her fists before taking out the towel and doing her wash. I will find the dirty towel on the floor next to the washer. I ask her "Why not just wash the towel, too?" and she has no good answers. Does this sound normal to you? She hasn't always been this way. She seems upset at me, upset at her family, upset at the world. I am becoming angry and resentful as you can probably tell from this post. Advice, please.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and agree that your wife sounds depressed. You say that all your wife's needs are being met, but don't you mean her physical needs? If she's depressed she needs some sort of treatment, which she isn't getting. (And I get that her inaction is the reason.)
I have to disagree with you, though, that "most people" would enjoy her life and that there's something wrong with her. Everyone has their own idea of a good life, and even if she were not depressed this may not be your wife's vision.
As you've noticed, depressed people find it hard to get started on anything. This includes counseling, exercise (which can help overcome depression, although I don't think it's totally effective on its own), grad school, etc. Try again to get your wife to see a doctor, and don't give up until she goes.
If your wife really hates where you live, consider what another poster suggested about moving a little farther from town. You have every reason to stay in your current area and continue with your job, but maybe there's a way to compromise? Your wife might be worried about the recent burglaries, too, which could make her want to move out even more.
One last thing, a tantrum because you left a towel in the washer isn't a normal reaction by any means. And if she took it out of the washer, putting it in the hamper would be a more normal reaction than leaving it on the floor. But unless your wife was washing other towels or throw rugs or something like that then leaving the towel for another load is perfectly reasonable.
A
male
reader, honestman  +, writes (17 February 2012):
Man,
seriously,
read the whole page:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder
You won't regret this decision.
I have read too many Red Flags on your story. I hope I'm not too late.
Does she acts like a 6 year old ?
Do you have to walk on egg shells with her?
Does she manipulates you?
Does she gets angry or crazy-mad when you tell her something is her fault (even if it is)?
Is she a spend drift?
Does she lack of empathy?
Does she withholds sex from you to manipulate you?
If you said yes to most of these questions, then, you might be married with a Borderline Personality Disordered.
My best advice is: RUN.
If is not possible, then just DON'T let her take the decisions. Stay on your job, do what you like to do, YOU TAKE THE DECISIONS. If she doesn't have a real plan, just ignore her.
I personally have a sister, which haves BPD (Boderline Personality Disorder), and it is a book case of BPD. My girlfriend's mother and sister are both BPD [she has been living a hell all her life]. This disorder is 10 times more prevalent on woman than in men. Nearly 5% to 10% of woman have this disorder [it might be more].
My sister doesn't like to work. She is a spend drift. She is very temperamental. Things should be done her way ALWAYS. She lacks of empathy. She behaves like a 6 year old 'princess'. She can't take criticism nor any blame for her mistakes because she gets crazy. She is very manipulative.
If she was married, she would probably not work and let her husband support her
I could go on and on, but it is just to give you an idea.
BPDs don't change, because they are right just how they are. Everyone else must change to adapt to their needs.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (26 January 2012):
 Your wife is depressed OP. On the outside it seems hard to believe so, because she is in an enviable place, a place most women would die to be in. But sometimes depression sets in for various reasons, repressed anger, lack of self worth, etc., and that is wht is manifesting in her behavior.
The fact that she cannot finish any job she takes up is a classic sign. Its almost like she has given up on herself, and when the end is so near, she will quit, because she has set herself in a pattern which she cannot get out of.
You need to take her to a doctor, but don't suggest it in a way that would cause her to fight back. You need to do this tactfully. Actually, what would benefit her most in this case is pursuing a hobby or just meeting up with friends, but seeing that she would not even do that, the only thing left is medical help.
Maybe she is at a stage in life where she feels lonely because you have no children? Even if it was a mutual decision not to have children, maybe its beginning to get to her now? I don't know obviously, I'm just suggesting the possible reasons that may be the cause. Or maybe the lack of self worth that has stemmed from her thought that she is not a success in life professionally?
Whatever it is, you shouldn't leave your job, because at least the good side is that you have no financial worries. No matter what, don't leave your job.
Have you considered keeping a pet? Dogs are the best stress busters and taking care of a dog is like taking care of a baby in the family, maybe that could fill the void that she is feeling
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 January 2012):
 Being well off doesn't prevent someone from becoming depressed. Treat her as though she has an illness that can be treated and get her to the doctor.
Being a military brat, she's gone through a lot of goodbyes in her life and I expect she's experiencing the side effects from buried anger. I understand as I went through a similar phase.
She needs treatment--talk therapy and/or medications--that will help her process these buried feelings and get her to realize how her past is affecting her present and her future.
Your very real resentment is understandable but will not help solve this problem. She can't 'snap out of it,' if she could, she would. She doesn't like where she is any better that you do. She needs whatever remaining patience you have to get her to get appropriate treatment. It may not be very comfortable for you as she comes through the process as there will be very raw and very real emotions. You must be prepared for her to go through the journey.
Throwing BMWs and nice things at her won't make it go away, they are not the treatment for this.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (26 January 2012):
 It doesnt sound normal, no. She does sound depressed, so you need to try and get her to see a doctor. Telling her to see a psychologist isnt going to help, she needs a doctor first. Dont make it sound like she is crazy, simply explain that you are very worried about her health and that her wanting to shut herself away from humanity is a sign that she is not well and seeing a doctor would really mean a lot to you.
You absolutely should not quit your job, you have worked very hard to get where you are and she has a wonderful life most women could only dream of. So the problem is with her, not with you.
However maybe there are some compromises you could make or at least consider. Could you possibly afford a holiday home in the mountains? Or maybe save for a couple of years and then buy a holiday home? That way you would have a weekend retreat somewhere rural that might make her happy. It wouldnt have to be big, and you could even rent it out to other holidaymakers if you needed extra income to afford to have a second home.
Is there somewhere more rural slightly further away from work? A 15 minute drive to work is nothing, most people commute for at least 30 minutes, it is even common to commute for over an hour. So maybe if you moved another 15 - 20 minutes further away, you would still have a good commute (no more than 30-40 mins) but you would be in a more rural location to please your wife. That seems like a win-win to me.
But you are right, even if you move it sounds like she will find something else to be unhappy about. I think she needs to see a doctor as she is displaying symptoms of depression, and maybe you look into a holiday home in the mountains as a weekend retreat so she will still get that rural escape she desires.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 January 2012):
 Jobs are hard to find. You have forged a good career and she is reaping the benefits.
Encourage your wife to explore her feelings with a therapist and get sound counselling. Some people who already have it all are very easily dis-satisfied.
Others who have little live a life giving praise and being appreciative. Go figure?
Do not give up your job.
when your wife's emotional health is stabilized then encourage her to get into volunteering and perhaps even get into creating a business for herself. Online?
She has far too much time on her hands to be so dis-satisfied.
No, you do not change everything.
Yes, she is your life partner and she is entitled to be respected as far as her needs and wants. But she may go on like this for years, constantly needing to move. And as you approach retirement constant moving will eat into your financial reserves.
Encourage your wife to focus on 15 years from now, when it may be possible to make the changes she wants. As part of your long term retirement strategy.
But she is being too impatient as right now you are facing the golden years of your employment where your experience and your reputation should land you another promotion.
In the short term focus on an interesting affordable holiday to an out of the way place, as that may placate your wife to some extent.
However she has no right to encourage you to trash your career all because she thinks it might be better somewhere else. You already have it good where you are. She has no proof that it will be better for the two of you in another place?
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (26 January 2012):
 It sounds like your wife is depressed. Could you get her to go to the doctor? Its possible she may even be in the early stages of starting menopause. Something is wrong though and she needs to stop complaining and try to work on making things better. I can certainly understand why you just don't want to pick up and move when you are settled and feel secure in your career. Honestly, she needs to get out! She needs an outlet...work, volunteer, take some college classes...but she needs to do something with her frustration and pent up energy. Please try and convince her that there's nothing wrong with seeking out counselling. Sometimes we just can't deal with problems on our own and there's no shame in asking for help. The shame is when you do NOTHING. Let her know that you love her, am concerned about her and want her to be happy and find peace. I hope she will be open to your suggestions. Good luck with everything!
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (26 January 2012):
 No man. Youre woman isnt normal. She's short tempered, spoiled as all hell, and very sensitive and emotional with issues that do not require her to be so sensitive and emotional for her point to be understood. Shes getting upset over pettiness. It almost to me sounds like she's trying to manipulate you with her behavior by snapping on small stupid s*it so youll want to move. I think this relationship in general needs a lot of work man and Im young no expert and I hold my expertise in the weight room, however, I sense something is greatly off here and counseling should be done to help aid your decision in moving/staying and also figuring out your wifes, to be blunt, crazy emotions. Relationships are two way streets, not one way. Youre taking it square in the a** with the responsibilities. It is also your responsibility to make sure your wife contributes whether she likes it or not. Thats life. She needs to deal with it. I say it respectfully man. Good luck.
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