A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I've never written to a site like this before but i feel like i can't really tell anyone how i'm feeling.I had a casual sexual relationship with a guy a few years ago, which i very much regret as it's not something i'd ever done before and haven't since. We kept it touch after it was over because he convinced me that he wanted to stay friends. I was some-what naive at the time and believed him. He started seeing someone else during this time (now his wife)I soon realised that he didn't want to be friends at all. He barely bothered to speak online etc and when he did speak to me it was usually in a sexual manner. I felt very hurt by this as he seemed to have other female friends that he made an effort with e.g. went out places with etc.Eventually i cut contact with him because i just didn't see the point in torturing myself any longer. He messaged me just before Christmas and asked if he could add me on Whatsapp. I stupidly said yes. He is now married so i really thought he must have grown up but pretty soon i realised he was exactly the same. He started bring up our sexual past and said how glad he was that we were "friends" again. He also asked if i'd ever consider sending him a picture of myself. I said no.He asked if i'd like to meet up with him over Christmas, for some reason he didn't spend it with his wife, and i said i'd think about it. I should have just said no but sometimes i find it hard to stand up to people. Well, we didn't meet up and he went back home (he's living abroad with his wife for a few years because of his job) and sent a message saying we can meet up next time instead if i want. I didn't answer.Now we're still friends on Facebook and Whatsapp but he hasn't bothered to say a word to me since he's been back. I'm not surprised at all because i know that he doesn't care about me he just wants me there in-case he wants something. I'm not a very confident person at all. I'm on antidepressants and i really hate the way i look. I don't value myself at all. I think that's why i let him back into my life. I sometimes find myself looking at his Facebook and feeling jealous of his wife. There's people commenting saying how perfect they are together and she's always posting pictures of them smiling and happy. Why does he treat me badly but not her? Is it because i'm not attractive enough? I feel like it must be something to do with a fault in me.
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broke up, christmas, facebook, jealous, my ex, sexual past Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2015): No, I'm not seeing a therapist. Nobody knows about any of this.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (2 February 2015):
 The reason you find his behavior hurtful is because you:
1. project your feelings onto his actions. YOU assume that HE thinks you aren't "good enough" or "pretty enough" - because YOU yourself don't feel validated. You don't NEED some dude you had SEX with A FEW YEARS ago to VALIDATE that you are a good person, that you ARE worthy of being treated right and being loved. BUT you NEED to start with yourself.
2. You make HIS treatment of you to be the CENTER of who you are. Why am I not good enough? When you really SHOULD ask yourself WHY do I keep a GUY in my life who doesn't TREAT me like a friend should? WHAT do I get out of this "friendship"? Don't think that HOW he treats you is YOUR doing. However, how you ALLOW him to treat you... IS. So if you LET him treat you like a doormat, he WILL wipe his feet all over you.
3. YOU presume that you two are friends. HE isn't a FRIEND to you. A FRIEND doesn't try and get into your pants or hit you up for nude pictures.
He didn't have a FWB with you because you weren't GOOD enough to date, HE had a FWB with you BECAUSE you allowed it. This is why FWB is rarely a GREAT thing for some women, because many women go INTO a FWB with the notion that they can "change" the guys mind, if they are JUST "good enough" the guy will actually want to DATE them, not just USE them sexually. GUYS on the other hand sees a FWB as a "god-sent" they get sex, someone to text when they are bored - it beats wanking off. And IF the FWB girl stats making a fuss or throw "emotions" in there, well then the guy walks away and find another warm body.
YOU really need to deal with your self-esteem issues. You say you are on meds for anxiety, are you getting any therapy to go with those pills? I was in therapy in my teens due to an eating disorder, OCD, anxiety and I learned to DEAL with all 3, through the tools I got from my therapist. I'm still OCD, I STILL have anxiety, but I am in control of both not being controlled BY them.
MAKE yourself a priority. Get healthy, first mentally then physically. CUT out the contact with people who ARE NOT a positive influence in your life (AKA this douche-canoe).
Meds alone don't CURE or FIX anxieties and depression. It can make you feel numb and some people rather feel numb then constantly sad. However the MAIN ISSUE is not being worked on, it's being covered up by numbness.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (2 February 2015):
 He's not a good catch for any woman. No matter how charming he can be when he's angling for sex, he's a sleaze.
A friend is a person who's honest with you. Listens to you. Encourages you. Remembers your birthday. Can talk over all manner of things with you. Does not judge you. Though may be forthright with you if the occasion calls for it. Can have a laugh with you. Knows your good points. Forgives your not so good points.
Spends regular time with you. Invites you to spend time meeting their friends and you vice a versa.
A person you feel comfortable with, and who feels the same about you.
You really do deserve better than he's offering you.
There are many women in the world who have a sense of humour, don't take themselves too seriously, have a hobby or two, and maybe they might think themselves plain. Yet they are loved and appreciated by their friends. And some are in a relationship and some are not. Others are married and some are not.
The point is that a woman is not better with ''any partner'' instead of No partner
In fact No partner can be better than ''any partner'' who is not loving and caring and genuine.
Focus on enjoying life, being kind to you. Value you. Learn to appreciate your Good points (you do have them).
And if how you look does not satisfy you then start attending a yoga class, start walking for 30 minutes every day. Start saying some positive Affirmations every morning and every evening. Get a new hair cut as well. Then after all that see if you start to feel better in another 8 weeks
My best wishes to you.
There is a positive future, in the future, for you, if you can turn your back on this man who is not worthy of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2015): Modnote: title changed for the OP. Hope new title ok? . . . . . . . . . . . . . .OP. Thank you for your replies. I didn't make up the title of this post so maybe some people got the wrong impression about what i meant.I just find it hurtful that he can be friends with other women but treat me like i'm not good enough for that. If he's good to others but not me then that must mean that there is something wrong with me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2015): This sounds exactly like a man I was involved with. Exactly the same. His name isn't Kevin is it lol?
Get him out of your life, he sounds like scum
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2015): I remember a post from you a couple of months ago asking whether you should meet up, Im glad you didnt meet him. Just cut him out of your life, he is a loser and his wife hasnt found herself a good catch at all.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 February 2015):
 You think to be friends means regular contact and be there to support each other. There is no nice word for f buddy so that's why he called you friend. Other people say lady friend.
"Be friends" has two meaning depending on context. The first one is to discontinue something serious with no hard feelings. The second one is to keep in touch, doing whatever you had been doing before. He will keep in touch with you, just no always as you like.
If he wants to see your picture, that means you look good enough to get him hard.
He doesn't know how bad you are feeling. He only keeps in touch with you if you let him. For him it's consensual fun, even if he's a cheating married man. He is not a friend if you can't tell him your feelings about this.
There is no sign on your forehead saying "treat me badly because I am unattractive." Even if people are unattractive they just get ignored in life. There is no reason to treat unattractive people badly unless that person is a sadist. People who are not confident do not automatically get bad treatment. They are just more vulnerable to keep things going because they feel little attention is better than nothing at all.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 February 2015):
You think he is treating her well? You think a husband who is LOOKING up PAST f-buddies OVER Christmas is a decent husband? IS that treating your wife with love and respect?
You post reminds me of another girl in the SAME situation as you, she was upset that he did NICE thing with his WIFE and then turned around and wanted to USE HER sexually. ALL SHE (and you) have to do is DROP this disrespectful man. BLOCK his number, delete him from your life and MOVE ON.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-obsessing-over-his-new-wife-and-i.html
It's not a competition with another woman. FACEBOOK is not FRIGGING reality! She is newly married, OF COURSE she doesn't WANT to air all the dirty laundry (if she KNOWS what a sleazy dude she is married too). Trust me, SHE didn't WIN no prize here. The guy is a skunk.
It's about YOU LETTING this man treat you like dirt. Maybe because you feel that is all you deserve. HE KNOWS you are desperate for attention and he is EXPLOITING IT. THAT is why he is asking for you to send "pics". YOU need to start learning or accepting that you DO DESERVE more. BUT you won't GET more from this guy.
YOU - ONLY YOU, ARE in charge of how people treat you.
Stop stalking HER Facebook, and HIS. REMOVE them from your life.
You keep stalking them and thinking SHE "won" over you, that SHE is living "your" life, then you are going to end up a petty and bitter lonely woman.
This isn't a situation where YOU aren't good enough or pretty enough. This is a situation where YOU don't RESPECT yourself enough to LET this guy go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2015): I'm sorry but your asking why he doesn't treat you like a friend or with any respect? That's because in his eyes your not and you allowed that.You were his, "friends with benefits" someone to scratch that itch that he didn't need to wine and dine and spend any time getting to know, because you gave him it anyway. Sorry I'm not trying to be harsh but that's the truth. You need to put your foot down and make it clear that you are not going to be hia, "booty call" again. He has no repsect for you and am sorry that isn't going to change. Your best bet is to delete all contact with him and move on to find your own man. Let's be honest he is a bit of a slimball, he is married but wants you to send him pictures? Just be glad you dodged that bullet.To avoid been nothing more than a booty call to a man in the future don't be willing to sleep with him without any commitment. Learn to respect and love yourself if you want others to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2015): OP again.
I have never been anobody's "mistress" and never would be. What i meant by him treating me badly is the fact that he said he wanted to be friends yet never bothers. That's what hurt me.
The medication i am on is for anxiety as well as depression and i do need it to help me with that. Please do not judge me for taking it. It has nothing to do with this situation. I have suffered from it for over 10 years.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2015): I'm not on medication because of this. I have been on it for a long time, before any of this happened.
I'm not a mistress. I have never done anything with him since he's been in a relationship. Please read what i said carefully.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2015): You need to ask your therapist the questions you've come to this site for. Whomever is writing your prescriptions is just being a pill-pusher, and not helping you otherwise.
You hold-on to a married-man; then talk about how badly he treats you?
Seriously?!!
All you have to do is let go, and go about your life. He's not treating you badly, he's treating you like a mistress. Second-fiddle. You don't deserve to be treated better than his wife. You don't deserve to be his mistress.
The remedy to your problem is simple. Go find yourself your own man. Get a therapist who actually counsels you, and not just gives you pills.
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