A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know before a write this that people are going to think i'm pathetic but i feel like i have nobody i can talk to about how i'm feeling.Long story short, i was in a sort of FWB situation that ended about 2 years ago. I was the one to end it eventually as things got complicated. By "complicated", i mean that he went back to his ex girlfriend but still carried on seeing me. It was all a big mistake on my part and i regret it (understatement).When he told me he was seeing someone he told me he didn't want to lose contact but to just be friends. I was maybe a bit naive and did, at the time, believe he wanted to be my friend so when he asked to first meet up for a drink, i agreed. When we did meet up it obviously wasn't friendship that he wanted and that's when we started sleeping together even though he was seeing her.At the time i'd tell myself that maybe she knew and was ok with it, that they had an "open" relationship or something, to make me feel like less of a terrible person. Even now i wonder if she ever knew. Anyway, i eventually ended it because i did have feelings for him (didn't tell him) and he got engaged to her.After i ended it he contacted me twice through email on Facebook asking if i'd like to meet up as a "friend" but i declined. After that things went quiet, he got married, which i was relived about in a way because i felt like i could maybe start to move forward with my life and put it behind me.He sent me a message about 3 weeks ago telling me he was moving abroad for 3 or more years for his job and asked how i was. I did reply, and just said "good luck". He sent another message saying he wanted to 2meet up" before he left but i said no. He didn't respond after that.So, that's the sort of back-story. My problem(s) is/are, firstly i keep looking at his wife's instagram. She posts pictures of their new house over there and perfect life. At least that's how she makes it look. I don't know why i keep looking because all it does is make me feel worse. I also wonder if maybe she did know about what happened because surely, if he loved her enough to marry her he wouldn't have slept with someone else if it was going to hurt her?I just feel like he's skipped off into the sunset with her, with this great, happy life and i'm just here feeling like garbage. It just feels like she's got everything and i wasn't worth being anything more than somebody to sleep with. I know i'm responsible for my own actions and i'm not denying for one minute that it wasn't my fault. I'm just thinking out loud i suppose. Should i be jealous of what she's got? Is it normal?
View related questions:
engaged, ex girlfriend, facebook, his ex, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2014): I think you had a very lucky escape. I know that it doesn't feel like that now but maybe one day you'll see that he did you a favour by choosing her. You really can do better and you will if you let what happened go. I hope you'll realise that you're worth more than being somebody's bit on the side, one day.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 June 2014):
 OP, if she got everything she wants and it's so perfect, why is he asking to see you one last time?
I'm betting all is not perfect in paradise. But you see it that way.
The key is you think she has a prize you lost. What she has is a husband who is in contact trying to see his old FWB ONE LAST TIME...
what a prize he is! (NOT)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2014): OP here. Thank you to everyone who replied.
@HoneyPie I will do my best to move forward with my life. I think a lot of what's holding me back is my lack of self esteem. I get called "pretty" etc quite often and that i have a lot going for me but when i think about her none of that matters. I KNOW that is pathetic and childish but i just can't seem to get over the fact that she's got everything that she wants and is blissfully happy. That doesn't mean i want her to be miserable but i just feel so, so envious and i don't know how to snap out of it. If people tell me that i've had a lucky escape or that she's not perfect i just feel like they're just saying that to make me feel better.
...............................
A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (21 June 2014):
I know how you feel. I know the pain of wanting to be with someone and you can't.
You have done all the right things. You need to continue to move forward. He doesn't have the right to hold onto your heart. Give yourself the time to heal and it will get better. Forgive your mistakes in the past and leave them there. You didn't continue the behavior.
You are a good person and your will find someone when you are ready. You are very normal.
Good Luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 June 2014):
 Accept that you did, what you did. And then let it go. YOU need to stop beating yourself up, or think that you aren't GOOD enough to be the GF/Fiance/Wife. Tell yourself: " OK I f'd up, I will never do FWB or be with a guy who isn't fully mine, ever again, I will not settle for halfass relationships". (because that is what a FWB is, halfass.) THEN LET IT GO. Everytime you think of him or her, think I can do better. I deserve better. And then GO live life!
EVERYONE makes mistakes in life. Some are big and some are small. Some makes us cringe years later, but if you LEARN from these mistakes they are more than just mistakes they are lessons. LESSONS in life. And those are important.
Once you can accept it, you can put it in the past where it belongs.
LOOK forward. Life is short, don't let this dude make YOUR life less enjoyable.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014): I think the main problem here is your discontent with your own life - lusting after theirs because it seems so perfect and you haven't quite let go of this guy.
You made the right choice to refuse any more meet ups and I doubt she knew exactly what was going on. Then again, that last part is neither here nor there.
See a counsellor to talk through your unhealthy fascination with their life, particularly the life she has now because she is with him. Then the counsellor will help you get to the bottom of it so that you can find ways to profess further in certain aspects of your own life, leaving you no interest in theirs :-)
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 June 2014):
 The key to your submittal is this phrase: "....i wasn't worth being anything more than somebody to sleep with."
As you go through life, you will learn that men have a peculiar way of assigning "worth" to women. Those who put out..... we think they are "worth" everything/anything. Those who dig in their heels and make it known that they expect us to act as if we are(were) gentlemen, are particularly challenging... because, we can't get them to give casual sex.....
You have now learned this. (You "said it" in your submittal... I simply edited it.).
So, don't be very quick to put out for a guy who ONLY wants "FWB".... (Hint: EVERY guy wants a girl to be his "FWB.").... AND, insist that any guy who gets "close" to you be interested in you for something other than those soft, enticing organs between you legs....
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014): OP here;
@HoneyPie. I would NEVER tell her, or anybody else for that matter. That's the last thing i'd do. I don't want to hurt anybody. I'm just struggling with myself and my actions, that's all.
...............................
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (21 June 2014):
 I know exactly how you feel because I've been in that situation before. You are not garbage, and things are not as rosy as people portray their lives to be on social media. You were strong enough to turn him down several times. Give yourself a high five for that. When I was much younger, I had an affair with a man who had a gf. He eventually left his gf, but did not choose to be with me. Instead he started seeing someone else. I was hurt to find out that I was one of many women he was seeing at the same time. Fast forward 15 years later, he still sends me messages telling me how much he regrets losing me, blah, blah, blah. No matter where I move to, he still manages to track me down, not in a scary kind of way, but it's as if he always wants me in his life. I have lost all and any love that I felt for him back then. He is just a distant memory. In time you will heal from the loss of this relationship. You will move past him and you will find someone new. It's his loss. You deserve better than him and he did not deserve you. Don't beat yourself up about it. It was a good life experience and you learned from it. We all make mistakes where love is concerned. Don't be disheartened.
With regards to looking at his wife's instagram. We've all spied on our ex's facebook and other social media sites. I know I've been guilty of it...lol. I did it out of curiosity and as a way to punish myself for allowing this betrayal to happen to me. I also did it to remind myself why I could not allow him into my life again. In time you will lose interest. This will happen when your life becomes exciting again, because you are dating someone new.
Imagine if you were in his wife's shoes. Would you want to be married to a man who cheated on you during your entire relationship? You are the lucky one. You dodged a bullet my dear.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 June 2014):
I think you are focussing on HER, because it's EASIER than accepting you made a dumb choice in keep sleeping with him, and it's WAY easier than ACCEPTING that the dude ISN'T such a catch.
So you focus on her and her "seemingly" happy life. Because you feel THAT should have been you.
You think he used you for FWB because HE FELT you weren't good enough to date/marry. I don't think that is the case. I DO however think that MANY GUYS have this ridiculous double standard where they are OK to SLEEP with a girl, but if SHE is OK with SEX only, she isn't a keeper.
YOU were sleeping with him in HOPES of making him LIKE you. He was sleeping with you.... because he could.
He didn't HAVE to put forth an effort (like he probably did with his now-wife) - which made him put you in the "no a keeper" pile. You had NO problem being the "f-buddy" on the side when he went back with his ex-gf and you didn't mind when he got a new GF. As DOUBLE STANDARD as that is, I can see why he wouldn't want to date you or marry you. He'd want a girl with self respect and morals as a wife, because he presumes the likelihood of a girl like that, to cheat on him is a LOT lower than someone who has a "lower" standard.
Obviously FaceBook, Twitter, Instagram... all these social websites are NOT a mirror image of reality, so are snippets of real life, others are a polished version, basically more like fantasy. It's how people WANT others to see them. So what you PERCEIVE as the "perfect life" may be FAR from it.
She might or might NOT know about you. So what? You feel because you are not happy with YOUR reality she shouldn't be allowed to be happy with hers? What did SHE do to you? You think he didn't LOVE her enough because he still tried to get sex from you (and who know maybe other girls too). LOVE had nothing to do with the sex he got from you. My guess is he compartmentalized his life NEATLY into little boxes - she was the "future/wife/family/love box" and you were in the "I'm horny box".
You are still HUNG up on this guy who used you, but you know in your head that he was a sleazebag, so you focus on her.
STOP looking at her Instagram IT IS HOLDING YOU back from moving on.
ACCEPT THAT YOU let a dude USE you as a f-buddy. And if in the future you WANT more then just be some sloppy second then don't be so willing to be intimate at all costs. It cost you a lot of self-respect to have this FWB. You doubt yourself being "good enough". BUT YOU ARE. YOUR worth is not for HIM to determine.
Block HIM from your Facebook - UNFRIEND, REMOVE, IGNORE, FORGET. He isn't worth being angry at. His wife isn't worth being jealous off. After all she is married to him.. some sleazy cheating douche-canoe. No wonder her Instagram looks perfect, because I bet you, living with a guy who cheats is FAR from perfect.
Last but not least. YOU are responsible for sleeping with a guy who had a GF. THAT is it. Chalk it up to a STUPID mistake, WE all make mistakes.
HE IS responsible for cheating on his GF, his fiance and TRYING to cheat again on his wife. YOU are not responsible for HIS actions. HE chose to be a scumbag.
My suggestion is, if you even CONSIDER telling her, don't. She will find out. Things like that have a way of showing up, but DO NOT be the one to ruin another woman's life. DON'T burst her bubble. LET HIM be the one. At some point he will F up again.
Let HER go. Let him go, and last but not least - LET YOUR GUILT go. So you made a mistake with this guy.. BIG freaking deal. Just don't do it again with another guy, learn from it and let it go.
Remove both of them in EVERY way possible from your life. Find things you enjoy doing and OBSESS over that. NOT those two people.
FOCUS on your life. Hang out with friend, family, have fun with new things, old things, hobbies, sports, travel.. WHY waste any more time thinking about those two?
...............................
A
male
reader, wise-guy +, writes (21 June 2014):
Hi, I don't agree with the whole FWB thing, I don't think it's right and almost always one person from the agreement gets the raw end of the deal. You are that person.Do y'know what, don't feel ashamed or bad, life has its ups and downs and I don't believe you're a bad person. Plus I kinda think what you're feeling towards this new woman is something that everyone in a FWB arrangement will eventually feel. Even if you didn't want a relationship with this particular guy it still makes you question your own worth. 'why aren't I happy' 'am I just a piece of meat?' perhaps you feel like you became in inconvenient item in his life and he's got away happier than he ever was. But don't despair, everyone wants to be loved, even those who pretend so much that they are purely interested in FWB. Personally, I can't imagine a lonelier way to live out life. And trust me I know how sometimes it just feels like you're alone with no one to turn to! Sites like this ate a great comfort. Don't allow yourself to feel cheap or less of a good person.
...............................
|
