A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband is to be deported and is currently detained by immigration. I have financially supported him for a long time now and also whilst he is in immigration detention i have sent money and visited 3 times per week. He has been detained now for over a year and i had said that as soon as he gets deported it would be nice for us to just have a holiday in some place in his country ( meaning just us two). To day i went to visit him and he said he wants to give his mother a holiday with us and family even if it costs him £2000. It wouldnt be a nice holiday for me as i wouldnt be able to wear shorts or have a couple of alcoholic drinks with his mother there and also the other month he said he is going to buy her a £1000 worth of gold. It seems to be all about his mother and i am going to be going living in his familys home which i dont really want to do at all. He said he will buy me a car over there (probably with my money) so i can help his mother go shopping etc, she is not old she is only mid forties. I am used to my own space and privacy and dont want any interference from family. I dont mind about him buying his mother and family anything but whilst he has been in this country he has bought me nothing, i even bought my own wedding ring and he told me not to buy my own mother and family things with my own money. This is why i am so annoyed. He can buy his family things and i cannot. Its like im second best or something. Does anyone have any ideas as to what i should do about this situation.?
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (17 April 2014):
 Those questions do sound very similar so I'm going to assume they're all from or about you.
Have you heard that saying about the golden rules? He who has the gold makes the rules? That would be you. What is stopping you from simply not giving him or his family money? If he's being detained pending deportation then there doesn't seem to be a whole lot he can do to you.
You make reference to wanting a holiday in his country and not being able to wear shorts or drink alcohol, which tells me your family is not from that country and has different customs and beliefs. And one of the links Tisha provided seems to be a from a cousin of yours which suggests your family is very supportive and deeply concerned. Is there a reason you don't just cut ties with your husband and return to them?
OP, you're in Britain, not trapped behind Taliban lines. You have power, freedom, access to resources and information, and the means to support yourself. If you're the one paying everyone's way, it's high time you started calling the shots.
So what's stopping you?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2014): My ex-husband is Indian, I am not. I worked, he did not. I was told I couldn't spend my own money, and I was told that my money would go into the family account, where his parent's had access but I had to ask for my own money, then wait for his father to decide I could have some, and how much I could have. His parents went to visit India several times during our marriage, and the money to pay for it came out of the "family" account.
Seriously, from personal experience, just walk away. I walked away 4 years ago and it was the best thing for me.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (9 April 2014):
 Something about this question reminded me of other posts with a similar situation:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-does-my-husband-call-me-names-and.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/abusive-husband-wants-wife-to-move-to-iraq.html
The similarities make me think that this is the same situation. I'm sorry to see that you are still under the control of this abusive man and frankly need to seek some help. I would have a frank and honest chat with a counselor here: http://www.womensaid.org.uk or ring 0808 2000 247 and explain your situation.
As Celtic Tiger pointed out, this may be a cultural issue but the fact that you don't realize your role in his culture is a major problem.
Do you have a followup for us with this additional information?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): May I ask where your partner comes from?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 April 2014):
 But you SHOULD mind buying his mother and family things, why don't you mind ? I am not talking of course of the random birthday present , but why in the world you should spoil and pamper his family , just because you work and earn, and he can't bother to do that ? OP, you have been supporting this man for all the time of his detention, and even before .If you decide to spend your money on a man, even to be a full fledged sugar mama, hey that's your choice and your money , do as you like. But if in the bargain you are also supposed to play Fairy Goodmother for a bevvy of his relatives ,then it was definitely a very bad bargain, you should shop around more carefully next time.
Because , I suppose there has to be a " next time "= next guy. How do you see thing playing out ? How can you keep things going ? If he is being deported, he won't be welcome back in your country anytime soon ( what is it, 10 years ? ). Or maybe ever, if he is being deported due to some serious offence. So, are you thinking of going to live there ? Would you adjust to the local costumes ,mental and religion ? You would not be able to drink alcohol there, you would have to cover up, you WOULD be living in the family home and expected to be at your MIL's beck and call. And how would you support yourself there ? How would you retain your independence and privacy ?...
Evetually, if he cannot stay in your country, and you don't want to live in his, ... why dragging it on, to plunk good money on glode jewels for his mom ? !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): I don't want to offend you but I think you need to really, really wake up to what is going on here.cultural difference or not, this man is obsessed with pleasing his mother and has not been able to stand on his own two feet and act like a man because he is so obsessed with pleasing her. Men who are tied to their mother's apron strings never mature enough sufficiently to become self-sufficient and they will never, ever make good partners who will treat you on an equal basis. Instead, you will be like the 'sub' mother. That is, you will never have the status of the real mother but you will be expected to effectively NEVER contradict her and to run your life around her. AND you will be expected to also provide, endlessly, in terms of material goods and emotional supply, in order to endlessly nurture this baby of a man.A man like this can only see women in terms of the mother. They simply have no other way of understanding a woman. For him, his mother is a source of unconditional giving, emotionally. Even if it is blatantly clear that she is doing all the TAKING, he will not be able to see it this way. She will be totally blameless and he will see her only as completely selfless and giving towards him and others. He will be blind to reality.You will not ever be thought of as a person in your own right. His brain simply isn't wired for it. You will be like a lesser category of 'mother', and his wiring will be to keep taking from you, to give to his own mother and so that he feels completely safe and nurtured by both of you. Any sex you have with him will be a form of nurturing him to make him feel better. He may at times be very loving but, even as a grown man, this will actually be the love that a son has learned to give to a mother.The other side of the coin is that, when you ever try to desist nurturing him in any way, he will turn nasty and act like a spoiled baby, refusing to take on board your views. This is because he has never ever become mature and independent in his own right, he has never grown up. Instead of responding like a mature man, he will dig his heels in and insist until you break. He will do everything in his power to make his actions seem innocent and good, because this is his childlike mentality kicking in. Please heed what I say. YOu are currently oblivious to the fact that you are basically being recruited into serving this man's mother and serving him. You are the sub-mother and you can't see it. I'd strongly urge you to GET OUT NOW and get counselling to understand more about why you ended up in this situation. Your self esteem seems almost non-existent and you are letting this 'man' and his mother walk all over you. This is exactly the kind of female that they look for to use.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): Mate, you're in for one hell of a rough ride if you go there. From what you've described, you'd completely have to change your values to intergrate in his culture. It has been known that men with a cultural background similar to him invited their children over to their country of origin for a holiday never to return. They had their passports taken and were expected to live a completely different life in that country without their mother. Passports were hidden by the father and they were basically prisoners of their father in a foreign country. From how you've described how he treats you, I'd be wary of going to his home country - even for a holiday.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 April 2014):
 If his mother is in her forties, how old is he? It seems he's younger than you.
You suggested a holiday for you two only, and he suggests one with his mother, and then spending money you don't have. He then says he will spend good money on buying gold, that he wants you to buy a car for his mother, et cetera.
I feel he's giving you reasons not to go to his country. It seems to me that he's implying that your going to his country would be incredibly difficult and expensive.
Maybe he wants the relationship to end?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (9 April 2014):
It sounds like an issue that is just unfixable, aka a deal breaker. I don't know why you'd want to be with him any more.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (9 April 2014):
 I hope I do not offend you OP, but it would be useful to know the cultural backgrounds of both you and your husband.
From the little you have said in your post it seems to me that this is a CULTURAL issue.
He is just acting how all men from his culture act. In his mind YOU are his property and everything you own and earn is his to do what he wants with.
The mother issue also points to this, as certain cultures value the mother over everyone, and daughters-in-law are expected to suck up big time and runabout after the mother, cooking cleaning etc etc etc.
From your post it seems like you will be expected to cover up and behave in a certain way, which again points to cultural and religious issues. Are you 100% sure that you will be able to deal with the realities of this once you get out there to live with his family?
From an outside view it seems possible that he married you to get a visa? and now it hasn't worked so he is trying to get as much out of you as he can before it's too late?
Please be careful OP - a friend of mine from uni married a man from a different culture and now she is a shadow of her former self, downtrodden and alone because he is a controlling and selfish husband who she cannot escape from.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 April 2014):
Is he being deported because of domestic violence toward you?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 April 2014):
 Your money, you earned it, seek professional, legal help, you are under NO obligation to give him access to your money.
I don't understand what is going on here, he is being deported, has been locked up for a year, and you are talking about taking a holiday and wearing shortsonce he gets his free flight OUT of the UK! Once he is deported he will not be able to return. Rather than giving him all your hard earned cash to buy his dear ole mum gold chains you should be giving some serious thought to what happens to you and your marriage when the government gets around to shipping him back home, where ever that may be.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 April 2014):
 I don't know your cultural background so the advice is a "blanket" statement more then anything.
There are two people in a marriage. Financial issues, things like vacations and spending, saving should be JOINT decisions not one partner dictate how it's going to be. Specially since YOU are the one pulling the gravy train, I can see why he should have more of a say then you. But again, I don't know if that is a cultural thing.
Why does he have full control of the family income?
And no, you don't seem to be important to him at all, unless it comes to you bringing home the bacon. This seems entirely uneven and honestly odd.
Have you no say in money matters? If so, why not? I know that in a marriage it's generally OUR money, but he obviously sees it as HIS to do with as HE pleases. Why is that?
TALK to him.
My guess is this is how it's been for a long while in your marriage and he now sees it as the "norm" you on the other hand don't. Are you afraid to ask him? to rock the boat?
So when he gets deported is he BARRED from coming back to the UK? If so, how are you two going to make things work? Are you going to give up your job and move there? Is he going to get a job there? and help out financially? What is the plan?
I'm kinda surprised that you two are talking VACATIONS when there are more pressing matters.
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