A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am the most pathetic personI have been married for 28 years. When we met we lived a long way from each other and eventually I moved 250 miles to where he lived. At the time this was because his job was better paid than mine but I now realise he would never have done the same for me. We married and settled down and I have since found out there was a lot of small lies on his side right from the start.A sign of things to come. A year after the marriage I became pregnant and we were very happy. He showed very little interested in anything baby. After she was born he was besotted with her so I thought yeah things have settled and we are a family. She was 2 months old when I found out that throughout the pregnancy he had an affair with a woman and a friendship with another woman. Turns out he didn't want a child at that point ( even though he had never said so before or whilst trying) and even blamed me for not having a boy, he felt I had got my own way. I was devastated, I trusted him and thought he was someone and he turned out to be someone else.A 2 month old baby ,250 miles from family and knowing very few people I was very vulnerable and stayed with him. We managed to get through it and settled down to enjoying our daughter. I confided in no one and time passed. After 3 and a half years we both agreed we wanted another baby but yet again no interest in the pregnancy which had a few complications.Then we had his much longed for son. He was not interested at all. I don't think he bonded with our boy til he was over a year old.I never found anything to suggest another affair but from what I now know I would think he did. So 28 years later, 2 fab,loved and wonderful kids, off doing life. After a slow start he is a good dad.To cut a long story short. We have a 'good'life. We have a nice home, no financial worries and good social life with friends. and we get along really well most of the time BUT....we get to me being pathetic bit. He is a serial adulterer. There has been an old girlfriend from when they were 16 who lived away ( got to love facebook for this one), at the same time as local woman. Then came a woman I know very little about, except he brought her into our home when I was with the children visiting my family.And then another woman I call S as I don't know her name. These are all spaced out years apart.He also buys viagra from the internet and I have very strong suspicions that when I have been away to visit my family he has brought woman back to the house for sex. He has no time for my family, visits once a year and sulks the whole time, they are a long way away. His are 10 miles away,we see a lot of them and I do a lot of things for them, but do feel resentful because of they way he treats me and how rude and dismissive he is to my family. I have to remind myself its not their fault. He is the bread winner, is successful and does provide a nice life for us both. He has also a very high opinion of himself.Ten years ago I had a serious health scare which I am so grateful I recovered from and had no lasting damage. He wasn't all that supportive. When I was taken into hospital suddenly he came from work and went home for his dinner first, it took him 5 hours to get to the hospital, something I still find difficult to deal with. Then I had to go into see the consultant, my neighbour went with me. He would say things like it was difficult for him and he doesn't do illness. When I found out about S I thought enough and said I wanted a divorce and I even met with a solicitor.We agreed to be as nice as possible and wait until a few family commitments had passed before we split. He agreed to move out but wanted me to stay in the home as he didn't want to sell up in case we changed our minds.I also believe he doesn't want to upset his mother or lose face in front of our friends. He likes to give the impression he is perfect and hates anyone seeing him less so.He never moved out and we sort of did what we always do and settled back down.I lost my resolve I guess, and there is a lot about our life I love, we both love .. I naively thought as he didn't leave when he had the perfect chance of a friendly separation that maybe he had changed, realised what he really wanted, what is important after all ..... more fool me.Earlier this year found out that S is really A and is still on the scene. She went to school with him and I believe they met up at a school reunion 3 years ago. She lives across the country, about 70 miles.He says its not what I think and they are friends and A even said to him he should sort his marriage out and they don't have contact anymore, or so he says! They may be 'friends' now but pretty sure it was more. Each and every time I find out about his affairs he turns it round on me. I don't wear the right clothes, I laugh wrong, I have let myself go .I don't do this or that right, I should dress up for when he come in from work, I cook unhealthy meals, I cook healthy meals, I don't iron his shirt collars properly.... and on and on and on. It is never his fault . He never apologies. Even if I show anger he then gets defensive and says if I was more this that or the other it wouldn't happen.I believe even if I was perfect in every way possible he would still cheat. I think it is in his nature. He doesn't stop me doing things for myself especially if its something he approves of. Any friend or hobbies he doesn't think is suitable for his wife he says thing like I should be concentrating on the house and him. he is controlling with money and is in fact very generous to me , the kids and other people. I have 2 close friend I trust who know some of this ( they encouraged me to see a solicitor originally) and they still treat him with respect and friendship in social situations. Neither of our family knows anything about the affairs but my mum knows I have been unhappy with him. I have also recently found out a friend of his knows and does his best to encourage him, offering to be an alibi etc.Sex is nothing at the moment I think there are so many emotions running around on both sides its hard to even think about it. He says he wants more passion and doesn't seem to understand its difficult to have any passion for someone who behaves as he does.So why am I here asking for advice. Surely the only advice I need is leave him. I don't understand why we both seem to stay together. Why with all his cheating hasn't he just left and gone off with someone or even just by himself?. Why do I stay with him. I know some of it is, for me, security and life style but to be honest I wouldn't do so bad after a divorce. I have no self worth I guess, I don't believe I deserve more. I feel like I am constantly battling to justify my being.I don't believe I really want us to split up but I also don't want to live like this anymore. I want to feel like I am an accepted and worthy person. Will I ever get what I want from him? Will I ever be able to give him what he wants?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2018): Everything that everyone else has said is true, especially WiseOwlE.
However, I want to offer another perspective on this.
People who lack self esteem and a sense of self worth often resort to being very controlling.
Believe it or not, you are controlling this situation.
You regulate your own emotions and needs continually, to keep things in their place. Not because it is always enjoyable, but because it is familiar.
You already know that your lack of self esteem is the problem here.
I am 50, and reading your post sounds like reading something from the fifties, where men fully expected to be served by a fully complicit wife. You have accepted this situation because it gives you a sense of control, painful and uncomfortable as it often is.
If you moved away from him you'd lose control. That scares you.
You sound quite passive aggressive. Passive, because you accept his affairs and the degradation they cause you. Even though you could walk away whilst you still have your faculties and could easily get a solicitor to ensure you get financially security from this situation, you stay. You've made it your life's work to learn to control your emotions and to control your every action to fall into place with a narcissist's needs. Echoism is the opposite of narcissism, and it sounds like you are an echoist - lacking a sense of self worth.
At the same time, there is an odd aggression to what you do. I say that because, leaving aside your own personal pain and suffering in this situation, you can see that this man is utterly objectionable but allow him to keep pulling the wool over everyone's eyes and denigrating your family. In effect, YOU - and not he - are crapping all over any sense of morality, and of being honest with those around you, including your family, but you do it by proxy, through him. Until you realise that your complicity is damaging other people, by involving them in what is basically a living lie, and until you take responsibility for putting a stop to it, his despicable ways will spread through the various people in your lives - spoiling their sense of what is good and honest in life, and effectively asking them to be complicit in a narcissist's selfish and twisted ways.
You should despise yourself for this. It's a perfectly sane and healthy response to crapping on your own possibility of having any sense of self worth. You won't gain any sense of self worth until you begin by stopping the living lie. That's the first step. Get a divorce, set up a situation for yourself that millions of women would actually like to have - financial security and freedom to live as you choose. Realise this will shake you up and make you feel very afraid and insecure. But then start putting a life together that is honest, transparent and genuinely loving. You keep getting lulled back into his lies through the things you 'both love'. Find things that you love that are nothing to do with these lies and that you can share with others. At least you have some sense of what might bring you pleasure, at least you know that you want to share pleasure with someone - a lot of people are so damaged and lost that they don't even have that anymore.
Part of me feels for you. Another part of me comes close to despising you. It's not because of cowardice - I completely understand how fear can keep you in this situation. It's more to do with the passive complicity in enabling this living lie, and being too morally lazy - and possibly materially greedy - to put a stop to this and the way it affects others. The friends you mention and his friend who enables his affairs sound very duplicitous, two-faced. I wonder how much of that is true about you too.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2018): Why would anyone start by writing that they are a pathetic person?
You have no right to judge yourself that way and it is wrong gor you to expect others to believe that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2018): [EDIT]:
Typo corrections:
"They can only console your whining."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2018): Psychologically, you and your husband are already divorced.
He has resigned himself to keeping-up his image in the community; and among your social-circles. Keeping up appearances is common among narcissistic married-men with passive wives. You were chosen for your docile and submissive-personality; because he never really wanted a wife, he needed a "Stepford Wife."
If you Google the movies "Stepford Wife" (1975, and remake 2004); you will see a secret society of successful husbands with perfect wives. Whom, for all practical purposes, make their "masters" appear to have perfect lives to match their success and wealth.
You have a utilitarian and practical purpose in his life. He is insensitive; I would guess a sociopath, and a narcissist.
He is a good provider, and has an attachment to you more like the ownership of property; because you are passive and permissive. You provide him an inexhaustible amount of narcissistic-supply. You fall in-line, and exhibit unshakeable loyalty. So strong, that he can do just about anything. Hook or by crook, you'll standby your man. He is draining your spirit and drawing all the light from your soul. He has done this for so long; he's your weakness, and you are his slave.
It's unlikely you will ever leave him without counseling. You are suffering what they call "Stockholm Syndrome;" where you are like a willing hostage. He has an emotional-hold over you; and you feel his success justifies his behavior.
Your self-esteem has tanked to the degree you feel subservient to his will. All of the traits the "Stepford" husbands programmed into their beautiful and obedient spousal-units. You really should lookup the movies if you've never seen them.
I'm going to be a little unorthodox in your case. I think there is an option that will be helpful to you. It might not do him any good; but I think it would be beneficial. I will be honest and admit your marriage is too toxic to cure or salvage. He's not a good man. So stop deluding yourself into believing things are good, just because you "get along." He has no respect for you. He treats you like an ugly stepchild!
Get marital-counseling! Find a reputable and highly-rated counselor-therapist; while secretly consulting with a solicitor for legal-advice. You need the benefit of that sort of counseling to make you face your marriage for what it is. You haven't up to this point. You just complain, but you don't act on it. You're afraid.
Marriage-counseling will give you the opportunity to tell your husband what you feel; and pry some information out of him to explain where he's coming from. He has never had to explain anything to you. That would make him appear weak; and unable to control you and what you do. It would remove him from his high and mighty perch; while placing you both on equal-footing. You need it before leaving him. Your are falsely-convinced you are helpless; and he has made you believe he has total ownership of your mind, body, and soul.
You don't have the kind of courage it takes to confront him; and his sociopath-aggressiveness overshadows and intimidates you. So counseling will bring him down a few pegs! Make him vulnerable. He'll hate it, and will probably stop; but you should continue going for counseling.
A marriage-counselor will mediate and be referee. Allowing you both the chance to openly and directly communicate. You'll get a lot off your chest. You've bottled-up and suppressed a lot of anger. All you show is your sadness and anxiety. You've kept a lot of fire inside. Friends can't professionally-counsel you; or make you both talk to each other. The an only console your whining. Yes, whining! You don't know how to speak-up and stand-up to him.
You would never really open-up and go toe-to-toe with that man. That's how he's gotten away with murder all these years. You won't believe the power you have; until you give yourself a controlled-setting or clinical-environment where you can literally tell him everything you have on your mind. Unburden everything weighing heavenly on your heart. While he is forced to sit there and listen. Trust me, you need this! You have to break your chains!
The lawyer will strategize a plan to get an amicable divorce, that will protect you financially; and assure you'll maintain the lifestyle, and quality of life you've become accustomed to.
You have never really faced-up to your husband. You don't know how. He has had his foot on your neck for 28 years! Showing you less respect and affection than most people offer their pets.
Insist on the marriage-counseling. Demand it! Nag about it! Not to save your toxic-marriage. You may as well drink cyanide and bathe in acid!!! You have become enslaved in an emotional-hostage situation under a narcissistic-man; who has beaten you down to a timid little puppy with your tail between your legs. Writing to an advice column to be told what you already know you have to do!
If you are dealing with a narcissist; without help, he will drive you to a mental-breakdown and an early grave.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 November 2018):
 Do you have any income at all? One that could help you move to where ever (like back near family)?
I kind of understand that after 28 years there is a familiarity, a "better the devil you know" kind of thing and that the two of you have settled down and into a routine and life that you are both used to.
But the thing is you CAN'T live like you have anymore, and he WILL not change. You have 28 years of patterns to see that he is a serial cheat and regardless of what you do or say, he doesn't REALLY CARE how it affects you. He takes no responsibility and he blames you. Why? Because it's easy. You "stayed and accepted affairs" so you MUST be OK with him cheating, thus YOUR fault ( in his mind).
YOU didn't MAKE him cheat. Not your clothes or hair or the way you laugh. Cheating is a choice. And he made that choice REPEATEDLY.
You stayed for the kids and out of fear of having no way to support two kids on your own.
The kids are out o the house now. So no need to worry about them.
You ask two questions, will you ever be accepted by him as a worthy person? and will you ever be able to give him hat he wants?
The answer to both are no.
NOT because there is something "wrong" or "lacking" in you, but in HIM.
He doesn't respect women in general. He sees his "mistresses" as disposable. When he gets bored with one, he gets a new one. You, he married, and then proceed to cheat on you time after time. And because YOU stayed, you have now build HIM an image of respectability. Thus he hasn't left you for another, as he WANTS that image YOU give him.
Why will you never be able to give him what he wants? because you are just one person. One person can't seem to fulfill the VOID he carried around, the need for "newness", the constant ego rubs, attention. You are JUST you. Even if you dressed up, acted like the Stepford wife he "claims" he wants, he would find fault with you, because it's easier than him taking responsibility for HIS choices and actions.
So in short, if you don'r want to live like this any more, divorce, separation is really the way to go.
Unless..... You can accept him for who he is and start to lead you own way while treating HIM as you room-mate.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (13 November 2018):
 Why now? Why would he accept you now if he hasn’t for 28+ years? What switch would be flicked in his head for him to change his ways? Let’s be real here it’s never going to happen. If he loved you or respected you even an ounce, none of this would have happened. You’d be feeling content, valued and secure in the knowledge that he cares about you but it sounds like you have none of that, so yes, why are you staying?
If you won’t be damaged financially from a divorce then why not do it? Why didn’t you do it when he first cheated? Why go along with it for him to continue his sleazebag ways? By staying with a cheater you are enabling their behaviour. You’re telling them it’s fine to walk all over you, you have no self respect and you stand by what they’re doing so can you blame him? He’s having his cake and eating it too. He can sleep with whoever he wants and have a wife to show off to his friends to give the illusion of a perfect life and he gets no grief for it. Sounds like a great deal for him if I’m being honest.
People around you know somethings up and at the end of the day you’re the one who has to deal with all of this, you can either continue feeling miserable or accept that you married a dick and decide to turn your fortunes around and leave him to find someone who respects you. You’ve wasted your life with an asshole, are you going to waste anymore of it?
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (13 November 2018):
 Oh OP...WHY are you still with this man??? Your post makes me so sad. I am your age and let me tell you I would NEVER put up with this kind of crap for as long as you have! No OP he is NOT going to change! NEVER. You have put up with all of this, turned away and let him continue to carry on with his nasty little business on the side. WHY would he change? Darling..YOU have to change. GET OUT. Life is passing you by. You have wasted YEARS on a man who truly doesn't know how to love and appreciate you. Get everything in order, find yourself a good lawyer and GET OUT! You will never be happy with him but you do have time to rebuild your life and start over. DO IT.
I do understand how its hard to leave a marriage but sometimes you have to just see things for how they are and save YOURSELF. I left a marriage of 16 years when I was in my 40's. I won't go into the details but my husband was a complete jerk and an alcoholic. I was scared out of my mind but I knew I couldn't stay any longer with him. Best decision I have ever made. Don't let time pass you by. You deserve happiness. You will never have it with your husband. I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2018): You don't want a serious answer and you didn't ask a serious question.
You jumped ahead and assumed we would tell you to leave him but thats not what what you want to do.
You are deadlocked into a battle with him whereby you both satisfy some of each others needs but not all of them.
You are satisfied that you raised your family and have a nice home.
Good for you!
Thats what was offered to you and thats what you took.
Looking back you realise he was a lousy dad in some ways and this annoys you a little but is of no further significance because you got what you wanted out of the marriage.
All you really want is a magic wand to make you feel better about yourself and the marriage.
You are searching for self-acceptance.
You don't have to break down your marriage unless you want to.
You could book in for counselling to find self acceptance.
You could take a lover but when your husband ditches you on account of your infidelity then you will loose some of your divorce money.
You could stay put and just spend, spend, spend.
Or you could hire a private investigator and get your evidence together and divorce him and try to start a new life of your own.
You are the only person worried about your life and you are the only person who can decide what you want to do.
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A
female
reader, Marlene1105 +, writes (13 November 2018):
 I'm sorry, your husband sounds like a real jerk! He cheats on you and wants you to take the blame?! Tell him to "kick rocks"!
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