A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I got into a silly tussle/fight with my fiancé a few months ago.She had been moody and snappy with me and her parents all day.At the end of the night I got fed up with her horrible attitude and said I was leaving for the night.As I stood up, she grabbed my arm and said "don't leave me" so I said I'm not leaving you, I'm just leaving the situation.She then shot up and put her hands round my neck pressing tightly, so I pushed her onto the couch but stumbled forward slightly.As I stepped back I tripped on the coffee table and she then jumped on me, straddled herself over me and began choking me again.I then shouted get off me and lashed out punching her nose (not intentionally.)Her parents came down and it took her mum a lot of effort to try and pull her off me because my girl is strong for a woman.So, what do I do from here: •Do I report her to the Police (for my safety and her safety?)•Forget about her? (but let myself be messed up even more emotionally)•Or go round to her place effectively taking control of the situation by verbally putting her in her place?The only thing that is stopping me and has stopped me from going to the Police so far is incase I get charged with assault and end up with a criminal conviction unfairly.Will the Police genuinely see through her or will they believe her since she is a woman and has come out of the fight with more physical injuries than me?My 'injuries' are/were bruises to my neck (which I have date stamped photos of) and I am emotionally wrecked. Everyday is a struggle and I have not felt like my usual self since the night of the attack.I can actually feel the chemical imbalance of my brain through the emotional trauma, so surely that is a factor from the fight?Thanks for any help Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2014): I am the original poster to this question.
Thanks everyone for your answers, they are a great help.
I think I will now just completely ignore her and move on with my life, she is a psycho who has mental issues I'm sure.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (9 September 2014):
 It's been a few months?? That rules out calling the police, which is what should have happened.
You were physically abused. You're really out of sorts because you don't hear a lot about girls abusing their boyfriends/husbands, but it happens far more frequently than you'd think. I know someone whose first wife was extremely and repetitively abusive to him, and he never called the police on her until she hit him with a frying pan while he was sleeping, knocking out a tooth. That sort of thing escalates.
You aren't going over there after a "few months" to "put her in her place", because what place, exactly, would that be?? It wouldn't look good for you to go pick a fight with you, and it won't make you feel any better anyways.
You need to walk away. What do you do with abusive partners? You get the hell out of there! You don't go back there. Any woman knows that if she is able to flee her abuser, she gets protection and stays gone. Too many crawl back to the guy though, hoping it was some one-off. It never is.
Her mental health is not your concern now. If you have issues emotionally, that's very understandable. You need to talk to someone about it, but the absolute LAST person you need to say one more word to is *her*.
It's been months now. The police aren't a factor unless she comes to see you again. The time for calling them was right then and there, you being checked out and certified by a doctor. She could spin this any way she wants with your photographs, saying you did it to yourself after you punched her or whatever.
Stay broken up with her. Move on with your life. Talk to a therapist if you need help dealing with the abuse, as most abused people need to do. But do not enter back into her life or allow her to do the same.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 September 2014):
 Now try not to rationalize this assualt by saying you might have been artly to blam because of some real or imagined brain imbalance. You need to get away from this person unless you want to have her kill you.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 September 2014):
 You were ASSAULTED by this woman..... and you wonder if you should spend even another 5 minutes with her???????
Answer: No, you shouldn't....
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (9 September 2014):
 I have already answered this question on another forum. I am dismayed that you haven't put this person out of your life yet.
Sorry Gals, I have to vote against calling any domestic abuse hotline. Since our OP is male it will just result in his arrest for punching her nose. Good job on getting pictures of the neck bruising. Too bad you didn't get medical attention. Doctors are one of the groups of people who will take an abused man seriously.
My advice hasn't changed. 30 days no contact. strictly enforced. Supervised contact after that. No commitment to long term relationship until she has sought psychological help and has admitted her wrongdoing in this matter.
FA
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 September 2014):
 I'm sorry you went through that with someone you care for. It is domestic violence, no matter who perpetrate the violence (man or woman) and there is no excuse what your (hopefully) ex-fiance did to you. Being MAD doesn't mean you can choke people. And you can't explain it away with, having an "episode" as her parents call it.
0808 801 0327 CALL this number and talk to them
(their website)
http://www.mensadviceline.org.uk/mens_advice.php.html
They can advice you on the legal aspect and maybe get you some help deal with what happened.
You need to END it with her, and I would NOT do that in person. IF you have personal effect at her house talk to her parents and ask them to pack them for you or for them to let you know when she isn't home so you can pick them up without her being there. And then cut the contact with her 100%.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (9 September 2014):
Just leave the psycho! Leave her and never speak to her again. Tell her why you're leaving her and tell her she needs help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2014): First off, whenever you have a sketchy knowledge of the law and how, or when, it applies? Immediately report the incident, get medical attention; then seek the services of legal council.
A victim of physical violence should seek medical attention in a trauma unit or hospital emergency room. Here in the states, emergency technicians and first-responders take pictures and file official police reports for crimes of violence or assault. That is more effective than taking your own pictures.
Time is crucial in reporting an assault; because it raises a lot of questions when you delay. Just because you have pictures of your injuries doesn't explain when and how they were inflicted. How would anyone dispute her allegation that you hit her first? Do you think her own parents would or even could confirm that she attacked first, and she wasn't the victim? Grabbing your throat to push you off her or in retaliation to your punch? Report incidents when they happen; the person who calls the police has the most credibility.
I have a couple of female friends who have called me, instead of the police when threatened by violent boyfriends. I call the police immediately; because they're afraid "he'll" be arrested. The order of events is important in how they go on record. I will show up because I want to be sure the police know from a witness that the victim called in distress; and it was I who reported the emergency. I might have to testify on her behalf. They would wonder why "she" didn't call if she felt threatened.
Why is it hard to believe a woman is physically strong and can actually over-power a man? Why is it difficult even for law enforcement to take a man's report of domestic violence seriously? Almost adding to to the male victim's humiliation by either taking no action; or arresting both the victim and the attacker? You're afraid to even report an assault for fear of how it might look, but mainly you fear the humiliation. Why should you have fear of being charged with a criminal offense for protecting yourself?
I do have to say punching is an odd reflex when you are aware from start to finish your attacker is your own fiance'! I suppose in all honesty a flash of anger was partially responsible for use of a "fist." In your heart you know that is the case. Regardless, you have a right to defend yourself. Using a fist against a woman is more likely to be construed an act of anger. Which makes delay in filing a report, more of a "he said/ she said" situation.
Your word against hers.
You don't mention if your girlfriend suffers from a bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder (BPD). Often people have been diagnosed without disclosing the fact to their boyfriends or girlfriends. It is often discovered purely by accident. They sooner or later have an episode and their mental illness is revealed totally by surprise.
I doubt you feel the desire to go through with marriage.
It appears you're dealing with an unstable person; or a very violent individual. That should make continuance of any relationship whatsoever unlikely.
You will now need professional counseling to deal with your trauma and anxiety. Don't delay on that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2014): She's a monster. Walk away from this mess. It'll hurt now but it will save you a lifetime of misery and abuse.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 September 2014):
 I would call this number: 0808 2000 247 which is the hotline for the womens' aid charity meant to fight domestic abuse against women. I expect they will have a resource for men who are abused by their partners. Ring them up and ask for a local referral and guidance in your case.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 September 2014):
 YOU leave her, you don't "verbally put her in her place"
If this was a few months ago, then I doubt you can file charges now.
Domestic violence is abhorrent. Google Ray Rice over here in the states it's all over the news. (AND it's pushing my buttons badly)
She was wrong to attack you. You defended yourself.
Unless you two go to counseling for domestic abuse and she figures out why she did what she did and how to never do it again, she is bound to repeat her error. IF you forgive her without any professional intervention, it tells her she can do it again.
I tell you to leave her but in full disclosure I have not left my abuser because he is willing to admit he is wrong, he is willing to seek help and he is trying to get healthy in every way. Also his actions are fueled by alcohol, her's was fueled by blind rage and that's much harder to cope with and fix. It says that without mood and mind altering substances she finds it acceptable to physically hurt you.
If after several months of the incident you are still feeling traumatized then you need to seek professional assistance.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 September 2014):
 I guess it could be seen as self defense, but the fact is that punching her is probably going to be seen as... well, a guy hitting a girl. And society isn't there yet to accept that this can be self defense. Still, I would talk to the police, you can ask them advise about the situation even if you choose not to press charges. Also, if you want to press charges you would need to have evidence. This means you need to have seen your doctor and have the doctor document your injuries and have photos taken. Did you do this? Just having pictures taken privately probably will not help you, as you need a doctors statement saying what caused the bruises.
You don't have any witnesses, even if her parents saw it. Her parents will NOT side with you. Parents just don't do that, typically, they will always side with their offspring no matter what. So don't even think about it.
My best advice to you is to get away from this woman and start a new life without her in it. She is violent and such aggression will not go away... Violence escalates. Imagine bringing children into such a situation, I can promise you she would be attacking them too. Violent and aggressive people are NOT rational and don't see any difference between adults and children. They get angry, they react with violence, that's how they work. And once they've started it just escalates.
I am sorry for the situation you have found yourself in, but remember that you couldn't possibly know she was this aggressive, its something she's probably kept hidden quite well to lure you into a relationship with her. People like her are manipulative as well as aggressive. You couldn't have known better, and you did not deserve to be treated this way. It's not something you did either, people like her are just that way, born that way, or maybe suffer from unresolved private issues. Either way, it's about them, not you.
The best thing you can do now is to get away from her. Talk to the police if it helps you get closure. I reported an attack to the police myself last year, after a guy bit me. Nothing at all happened, the cops didn't care, as suspected, even if I had the doctor look at it and got the pictures etc. No witnesses, too little evidence etc. The police just doesn't have the resources to follow it up. But it felt good to report it anyway, for my own peace of mind.
Remember, even if you don't report it, she could still report things and try to make you out to be the bad guy. So even if you don't report her, things could still get messy. I would try to talk to the police first and just ask them for advise. Possibly talk to a lawyer if you know someone who offers free legal advice. But all in all, when I reported that guy last year all that came of it was lost work hours=lost pay, several hours gone to waste at the police station and doctors bills and then worrying about what would happen next. So it's a decision you must make yourself. Would you feel better reporting her? Or maybe you would feel better talking to someone about what happened? Do you have any good friends you can talk to, or perhaps your own parents? Remember, talking helps. You went through a traumatic experience, and it will naturally take some time to work through it.
Best of luck to you, I wish you all the best. Stay safe, and do not have anything more to do with this woman. Stay away from her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2014): You should've called the police that night. Photos you have taken yourself - date stamped or not - do not compare with a photo taken by a police officer, if this went to court a photo by a police officer is much more likely to stand up.Police will always wonder why you have taken so long to report something, especially such a violent outburst. So be prepared for it being your word against hers and them questioning why it took you so long to report the incident. If I were you, yes I would report it but I would've done so the second I left her house. You can call 101 and disclose to the call taker this historic domestic violence and they will investigate it. Will her parents support her and deny they had to pull her off? She's their daughter, and very often parents will protect their children regardless of what they have done. So bear that in mind if you do chose to report this - you may not have them as witnesses and what if they make an allegation against you?Also, you have the option of just moving on with your life. I sincerely hope you are EX fiancé now...it's disgusting make or female when someone physically hurts their partner. That's not love, that's an obsession and serious problem she has thinking that was a way to react to you leaving. If you are still together - why?? What if one day you have children with this crazy lady and they witnessed her do something like that to you?!Weigh up your options and what you're prepared to do. If you are in a place where you can handle an investigation into her when you make an allegation of domestic violence then go for it, but it will be stressful and not exactly a walk in the park. If you haven't already, then obviously you should be thinking of leaving her - no one should be under the threat of violence by a partner.
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A
female
reader, Behavioural Analysis +, writes (9 September 2014):
 She's ill. She needs help mentally because you can't just have an outburst like that, THAT's why I'd report her to the police. If you show them the photos (and don't keep putting it off until the bruises are no longer visible) and give them a full account of the event (like you have here), they will most likely believe you - they won't automatically assume she's "weak" because she's a woman. The mother may not want to be a witness against her daughter, that's why you have to make sure you write EVERYTHING down while it's still fresh in your mind and take that to the police also.You also need to go to see a doctor for any potential, lasting damage done. You'll need to take the photos with you to show how bad it was.You may also want to get some therapy too because this would shake most people up.Whatever you do, do NOT stay with her. Consider it a break up or the police may not take you seriously because you're not committed to leaving someone who physically attacked you. It's also best for your physical, emotional and mental health not to be with her any more.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2014): Do you think that the fact she tried to choke me means that she could be mentally unhinged?
I know she has suffered from depression in the past & her Dad told me that she had an 'episode'.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 September 2014):
 I assume she is actually your ex fiancé and that you haven't seen her since this night.
If you are still suffering the physical effects of the attack you need to seek professional medical advise, take your photographs with you as they may assist the Doctor in his diagnosis.
To be honest I doubt you going around there and verbally 'putting her in her place' will be of much benefit to anybody, and may end up in her succeeding in her apparent desire to choke the life out of you.
As to whether you should report the incident to the police, maybe for this too you need to seek medical advise. Check with your local council to see if there is a Citizens Advise Bureau or Neighbourhood Centre with a lawyer in your area.
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