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My boyfriend is a good guy but I'm not in love with him anymore. There's also a new man on the scene but he's in a relationship. I'm clueless about what to do

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Cheating, Crushes, Dating, Faded love, Flirting, Friends, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 July 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 15 July 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hi Aunts and Uncles. I'm posting this here because I have always had good advice here before and I have no one I can speak to about this. I feel like such an awful person for what I am about to write but I can't go on keeping it in my head. It's such a mess, Please don't be too harsh on me.

I have been with my partner for 9 years (since I was 17) , we have had our ups and downs and amazing times together. No kids or marriage though. I know without doubt that he loves me, and he thinks the world of me. But for some reason. I just don't love him anymore, I care for him deeply as a friend , and I love him but I am not in love with him ... , we rarely kiss or cuddle. We have sex once a month at most, we are both stressed in our jobs and we just doesn't make me feel excited anymore. I am in my mid twenties and he is 30. I've felt like this for a good few years now but I'm now at the end of my tether.

I know I still turn him on, I know he adores me, I just can't give him that back, no matter how hard I force it, I've had sex with him just to make him happy.

People will say "if you aren't happy just leave him". He is quitting his job soon due to stress and starting a university course. He is now relying on my income alone to support us and pay for the household etc. If I leave him, he will struggle on his own - I can't leave him like that, I still care for him I won't leave him to struggle as he has always looked out for me when I struggled. If he hasn't if been quitting his job, I would leave him, especially with the way other things have developed....

I've watched friends around me get married, have kids, loving life. Showing affection to their partners and never letting go of each other, I look at us and we just don't do that. Sometimes I can't be around him, he sucks all the energy away from me.

i feel like an empty shell and I cry all the time, my lust and love have gone, I just work,eat and sleep. I feel like I am living a miserable life and I can't leave him until he gets a job and an income. Could be over three/four years away.

Things have developed further now though, I met a man through work, he is amazing and I think the world of him. He told me he loves me and he can't get me out of his mind and that he thinks we would make an amazing couple... However he is in the same situation as me, unhappy living with his partner to support her and paying for everything but I don't think he has any plans of leaving her ,something is keeping him there, maybe a similar thing to me. If he asked me tomorrow if I could be with him, I would give up everything , but we can't . We have developed this friendlship which turned into cuddles and kisses. Obviously I know it is wrong and I know I should be ashamed but I can't help it. I'm not expecting him to leave his partner for me or commit to me or even have sex with me. I just love his company and I love making him happy, we met up yesterday and we just sat together cuddling and talking. I hadn't felt that happy in a long time. I don't know why he lives his life unhappy at home ... his partner found out about the two of us a while ago and it all blew up majorly and she now monitors everything he does and always looks at his phone... but he still secretly contacts me and sees me at work , which makes things even more painful because we can hardly speak now. He does everything to get in touch and see me when he can.

This has fuelled my feelings further . I am in my twenties, I should not be this unhappy. I should be living life fully and enjoying my life because it's too short. I feel awful because my boyfriend just sees a mask and a fake front I put on . I was happy at the start but the years have just worn me out and even without this new man coming along, I still felt like I wanted to leave him, he is a good man and he deserves someone who can love him fully 100% but this is going to break his heart.

So my question:

do I leave my partner of 9 years ?

Do I wait until we are financially okay again and grit my teeth?

Do we try and work this out with counselling?

Do I cut contact with this other man even though he is "in love" with me and says he can't be without me?

Do I wait for this other man to become single and be with him?

I'm just confused and in a mess. Thank you for reading all of this.

View related questions: at work, university

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (15 July 2017):

Code Warrior agony auntOne relationship has nothing to do with the other. You're only connecting them together because you see the possibility of being rescued from despair. You can't do that. In addition, your feelings of despair are almost certainly exaggerated due to the simple fact that you have a new and exciting love interest, from which you feel you're being held back by your current relationship. That puts your current relationship in the role of the proverbial ball and chain around your neck resulting in more despair than there would otherwise be. Consequently, you need to stop with the other guy because it's clouding your judgment.

You only have one relationship to consider: your current one. The other relationship doesn't exist. You need to determine whether you want to leave your current relationship and be on your own. As I said, the other relationship doesn't exist, and you have to accept the possibility that it never will, and you need to be OK with that before you consider leaving it.

If you're OK with breaking up with your boyfriend and going it alone, then you should do so. Even after you break up with your boyfriend, you shouldn't spend any time with this other guy. You need to learn to be on your own again. Once you're comfortable being on your own, you're likely to find yourself changing your mind about the other guy.

Now, if you do break up and the other guy finds out and wants to break up with his girlfriend to be with you, you should tell him no. You need to tell him the same thing that I'm telling you. He needs to consider his relationship in isolation and consider if he's willing to be on his own. If so, he should do so and learn how to be on his own again. Once he's comfortable being on his own, his mind may change about you too.

If, after you've both broken up and you're both adjusted to life on your own, you both still have feelings for each other, then they're probably real feelings rather than feelings born of despair.

The last thing you want to do is both rashly break up with your significant others to be together, only to find that you have no real connection once the despair is gone.

Think long and hard about this because chances are very good that you will wind up alone when it's all said and done, and you need to be fully prepared to accept that reality should it come to pass.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (14 July 2017):

Denizen agony auntThank you for your honesty. I sympathise with the bind you are in and I will try to give you a clear analysis as I see it.

First you say your boyfriend is quitting his job. This suggests he hasn't yet, and even if he has handed in notice there is time for him to ask to stay on.

Tell him you are sorry but you have had enough. The relationship is getting you down and you need to separate. Don't fudge it. Be quite clear about your need to be free. Whether he leaves the residence or you do depends on the arrangement you have.

Second, you should try to cool the budding romance at work. It is wrong in so many ways. Tell him that if he can come to you without baggage then you could consider a relationship with him. Give him 12 months to make the break. It will take time for you to get over your current boyfriend; perhaps even longer than a year.

You will have made a hard decision to separate from your current man. Let's see if the new man also has the strength to do so, or whether you are just an extra bit of glitter in his life.

It helps to make decisions. It empowers you and stops you feeling helpless. As the old wisdom says, 'If you come to a fork in the road take it'.

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A male reader, judgedick France +, writes (14 July 2017):

judgedick agony auntDo I wait until we are financially okay again and grit my teeth? This I don't buy as an excuse, My wife and I have had more and deeper financial troubles than most over 16 years and having sex and our love was often the only thing we had to hold us together and sane

Do we try and work this out with counselling? You can, by all means, try this if you and he are willing to go and put the work in, but counselling on its own will not put the love you need in your heart. That might come back if the other things are in place,

do I leave my partner of 9 years? The 9 years you have invested in this relationship are not lost even if you break up, you have 9 years of history, don't use it as a stone around your neck to make the next 9 years miserable for you, He might be happy or even just used to what he has out of the relationship. You need to put yourself first sometimes if you see nothing coming of it.

Do I cut contact with this other man even though he is "in love" with me and says he can't be without me? I would say yes and no, now your saying that is not very helpful, but I will explain it this way, for now, yes as you need to work out in your own head what it is that is right for you, IF you are going to try counselling you have to put your all into it, if you break up this guy is in his own relationship and you don't want to be the other woman, that is for him to make up his mind on his own, and has nothing to do with if you break up with your man or not , he might bite the bullet if he see's you do it,

Do I wait for this other man to become single and be with him? HE might never, and why would you put your life on hold for what has nothing to do with what you're dealing with, What I see happening with this other man is you will have sex with him and mix things even more. End one before starting the other. You say you man is a good man and deserves someone who can love him fully 100%, SO ARE YOU AND YOU DESERVE THE BEST AS WELL.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2017):

Well, let me start off with saying cheating is definitely wrong I'm not here to judge you but if your boyfriend is a good guy he doesn't deserve what youre doing behind his back... anyway, I know it's been a long time in that relationship but if the love isn't there anymore you shouldn't stay it's a easier outlet when no kids are involved.

I was torn between a married man and my boyfriend. That guy made me feel like I felt with my 5th grade crush lol and i wanted him so bad nothing ever happened with him it was all small talk he would stare at me a lot and be happy to see me every time he would come to my store he would always try and make conversation with me which I took as "oh I think he likes me back" but all of a sudden he stopped coming around or just at least when I'm not there he will come by (I'm thinking he realized I liked him and backed off) while he wasn't coming around my boyfriend went away for a week and a half and I missed him terribly and the love I thought was lost was actually still deep inside me so I decided to get the married man out of my head his absence really helped..

I think some time away from your boyfriend could help you realize the love you once had for him and counselling can help I just think 9 years is worth salvaging than saving yourself for someone who isn't available, if that man that's says loves you really loved you he would leave his current partner for you but I don't see it happening so he's really a waste of time and nothing compares to what you have and been through with your boyfriend..

you may feel like you don't love him now but once he's gone he won't be back and it will hurt you if you discover deep inside you've still been in love all along.. I think it's best if you work it out but if you don't want to make it work I would leave him to be happy elsewhere and find yourself someone who is available because it will just be a endless cycle of heartbreak if the other guy doesn't make himself single and available only for you. It's ultimately your decision, good luck!

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A female reader, Miss.Cupid United States +, writes (13 July 2017):

Miss.Cupid agony auntOkay first of all what you're doing is wrong but its not completely wrong. I want to tell you that I have a friend who was in a relationship with her first serious boyfriend at 16 they got married when she was 20 but now she is 25 and divorced. Let me give you reasons as to why I sincerely hope you're not in the same situation. I think you, like my friend find comfort in this guy you're not in love with him physically or emotionally however you're in love with him because he's all you've ever known. Your life does not end here, where you're chained down without any actual chains. I think you should do what's best and leave him. Maybe tell him you want to break it off but give him a month or two to get his shit together before you actually leave. I don't think its fair for you to just be there in a relationship where its not going anywhere

at the end of the day you're not only wasting your time but you're wasting him. You could be meeting an amazing guy and he could be meeting an amazing girl. To answer your question, yes I think you should leave. If you're unhappy now imagine few years from now.. I mean why put yourself in that situation.

I don't think you should wait till you guys are financially stable because why have sex with someone and live with someone you're not in love with?

And about the other guy he seems to be going through the same thing as you. Everything that's meant to be will be.

Focus on yourself. Don't break up with someone if he's breaking up with her. Do what you want. stop trying to please someone and try to make someone happy. If you're not happy then let it go!!

Good Luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2017):

Firstly I dontg think you are seeing the strength in your partner and I think you should.

Making a decision to go to university at 30 is a very good option but you are not obliged to support him as you are not married!

Chances are that your fella could meet someone young and exciting at university so it doesnt surprise me that your world is starting to turn upside down!

Major changes are happening and Im wondering how much you have thought them through.

Do you already have a degree or higher education qualification?

Now is the time to do some career adjusting yourself and look to gaining qualifications and new friends so that this is not a one sided journey!

I cant understand why you would agree to support someone you are not married to!

If he has to struggle financially then he will be in the same boat as most students.

Perhaps this is the natural end anyway. After all he may be making twice the effort you are in the bedroom.

Consider renting a cheaper property. One that you can afford alone.

Students generally pay their way unless family provides and often this is parents of grown-up kids!

You are not his mother so you needn't take on that role.

You are not his baby mother either so you do not have to provide a stable nest for the children!

You are a frazzled out girlfriend who could do with a holiday and a good manicure of your life!

Your name will not be on the degree certificate so stop offering to keep it all together for him.

Just tell him its all too much for you and consider a change of work for yourself and a cheaper home for yourself alone.

It might be time to redesign your life!

But this is just how I see it and merely a way to give you a different perspective on things so think things over at a more leisurely pace!

I'm not over impressed with your work affair but that again is just how I see it.

How you operate is your business.

Maybe he is your opt out clause so that you have a reason to break up.

But let him know that he has to get accommodation for himself as early as possible so that he has time to sort it!

He will be very busy with his studies and meeting new people so he will have little time to pine over you!

Get yourself sorted ASAP.

Sadly it looks as if your love warmed up and went sour for both of you.

Maybe your pathway will be different from now on!

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