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Married co-worker I'm having an affair with is now ignoring me

Tagged as: Cheating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 August 2017) 16 Answers - (Newest, 11 August 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Im a married woman who has been having a fling if you call it that with a married co-worker. Now that weve slept together hes been ignoring my texts yet still speaks to me in work like nothing has happened.( a week ago) Im so confused by this. Im not sure wherever hes not been able to speak to me because if his wife or if ive been taken for a ride or perhaps hes needing the time to think.

I'll give you some background.

We met 8 years ago before we were both married and hit it off on a night out. We didnt manage to exchange numbers. Fast forward a few years and we end up working together. ( were in the same profession). Both now married with kids. A facebook request and messages later we are casually chatting but over a few months the texts go from flirty to dirty. Both admitting we fancy the pants of each other. We both agree to work over time one weekend and as soon as our patients were gone we were all over each other in the staff room. Just heavy petting and oral sex. After that the texts became a little less but i put it down to him being busy as he says he finds it difficult as his wife is at home on mat leave but also hes very casual. Sometimes it will be once a week and some weeks every day. But when he does text me hes still very much interested. We agree to meet up to have sex when he comes back from his family holiday as he is returning alone before his wife. I hear from him once in the 3 weeks hes away so naturally im a bit pissed. On the night before were supposed to meet he finally messages me late at night arranging it. When i see him the next night he tells me hes been back in the country for 5 days so i was slightly upset but i didn't say nothing. So its now nearly a week after that night and ive not heard from him. Ive text him only twice as i dont want to seem crazy but i just need to know what hes thinking ect. I left my glasses at his house so one of my texts was asking about them as i tell him i want them back. I saw him in work yesterday and when a patient left the room he gave me my glasses back. We spoke as if nothing happened which is what i expected as we have to remain professional.

Now im going crazy because i just want to speak to him to know what hes thinking,

and what he wants ect. I dont think hes ignoring me to be nasty hes just aloof in nature and laid back. I want other peoples opinions on this. Shall i wait for him to text me? If i text him, he will ignore me and i domt want to seem crazy. Am i being mugged off?

View related questions: affair, co-worker, facebook, flirt, married woman, oral sex, text

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A female reader, Tuatara New Zealand +, writes (11 August 2017):

Tuatara agony auntFirstly I would like to say that I do not condone or respect how you have behaved in your marriage, I think you have been very foolish to potentially impact on not only your career and working environment and also your personal life. Maybe take stock a bit and check yourself and your motives. If you are not happy and committed to your marriage, then leave or sort it. Cheating is never acceptable, ever.

To help with your thoughts about him. I suggest that if he was wanting to talk to you he would. He would make sure that he got the opportunity or he would create one. So I think his silence and avoidance is as the other aunts have suggested...he is wanting to step away. Perhaps he is checking himself at this time and regretting the situation and relationship he has started with you. So back off and let him deal with his life and marriage, as you should be doing with yours. Have a little respect for all the other people in the mix of your and his fling. You have both put yourselves into a very uncomfortable and complicated position - I hope your respective partners will be okay when they find out. Cheating is selfish and cowardly, poor impulse control and about as low as you can go to betray your spouses. Hopefully you will learn a lesson and start to think about others and not just yourself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2017):

Seriously? My husband and I have an open relationship and we talk about the people we want to be with. But to seal around and then wonder why it falls apart?

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (11 August 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntYou're both married. Give up now. Confess to your husband - either try to save the marriage or get divorced.

Why doesn't it bother you that you and he are cheaters? Genuinely betraying your spouses. Do they not deserve better?

OP, you need to start acting your age and not being so selfish. If you won't do it for your husband's sake, what about your children? This crap often becomes known in families - will you encourage them to cheat or stay with people who cheat on them? If not, stop behaving the way you are.

If you are unhappy enough in your marriage to cheat, leave. Do not make excuses to stay and continue this affair.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 August 2017):

Well, he's thinking this was all just a casual-fling. He's aware you're both still married.

When someone ignores your messages or calls, take a hint. Stop calling or messaging.

The point is to be discrete and to keep it on the down-low.

You're supposed to be having a clandestine affair; and go your separate ways as if nothing happened. You're not playing according to game rules. You may as well tell everyone what's going on, including your spouses.

Well, he's now a man full of remorse and regret. He wants this all to go away. You're getting needy and reckless. Now things have gotten messy.

You didn't get the memo. This isn't a love-affair, it was a fling! An indiscretion that never should have happened.

Go back to your husband. Pretend it never happened.

If you're having marital-problems that have gotten so bad that you're cheating on your husband; maybe it is time to set the legal wheels in motion for a divorce.

Your co-worker is not leaving his wife; and he's sending you the message to back-off. It's back to being professionals.

The affair is officially over. No more calls or messages unless they are work-related.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2017):

Hmmm he got the treasure n the chase is over. Time to move on. Work on staying faithful in YOUR marriage.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (10 August 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntI agree with Code Warrior .... your attitude about sleeping with your boss when you are both still married is fairly casual so ask the man you married, he's a man, and married, so will be able to give you an opinion from that perspective.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (10 August 2017):

Here are your options

1. He realized he made a mistake

2. He only wanted a one off and got it

3. You're no good in the sack and he has decided to look elsewhere

Either way it appears he is done with you so leave him alone and go work in your marriage. But you don't sound like you're interested in that so I'm sure there are plenty of men in your office who would have no problem sleeping with an easily available married woman.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (10 August 2017):

N91 agony auntAre you being mugged off?

Erm, what about your husband and his wife?

He realises he was a complete idiot and wants nothing more to do with it. Maybe you need the same mindset, either divorce your husband or work on your marriage.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2017):

I have to say that I just love the answer female anon provided with reference to Arnie and the terminator! LOL

Incredibly creative! And insightful!

Ever thought of creative writing this for a living?

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A male reader, devont United Kingdom + , writes (10 August 2017):

devont agony auntStop texting him and don't text him back if he contacts you.

He's keeping his distance because he doesn't want a full blown, long term affair, he just wants sex every now and again. He does not want anything from you other than sex, so he is purposely keeping you at arms length, but still around so he can get laid when he wants.

You don't need to speak to him to know what he's thinking, he's made it really clear - he's not interested in anything other than sex, when convenient for him.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (10 August 2017):

Code Warrior agony auntYou should ask your husband what he thinks. I mean, you seem pretty cavalier about your big problem, so why would he care? I bet he'll be just as cavalier about it. After all, it was just a marriage ceremony, I mean, they weren't really serious about those vows were they?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2017):

He had his fun with you and now he has moved on.

You were played.

The difference is he kept his emotions out of it and you didn't.

It's very possible he is now having a fling with yet another female at work. Ever think about that? Some of these guys make a career out of it, patron the pun.

They move from one to another. It's better the women don't get too attached and that's why they tend to favour brief flings.

He ain't worth it. He's a low life cheating scum bag who did you a huge favour. Trust me, you would hate to see yourself 3 years down the road after you fall in love with him and the toll of emotional destruction of being in love with a married man causes you.

Walk away now. Stay away. Concentrate on improving your own marriage or leave your husband. Don't ever cheat on him again. It is beyond cruel. And focus on work. That's what you're there for. Take this as a lesson learned the hard way.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2017):

The problem with this situation is that you are all hyped up and secretly longing for a bit more and he has decided already that he has played with fire quite a bit too much this year and realises that he is likely to lose his job and family and respect if he indulges further.

You dont want to crash and burn so you have to switch the passion off.

This is difficult to do because you have been slowly amping it up and leaping through boundaries at speed.

Try to imagine that a new ice age is coming on us!

One that is so cold it will freeze his sturdy balls off.

Mentally put them in the fridge with your lady bits so that you can aclimatise to this new froidure.

Do not earmark his good points!

Try to remember a time when a clumsy childhood playmate couldnt finish playin because he got called in by mamma!

He was there one minute and vanished the next.

The man you see at work is a humanoid robot. He ticks along well if not disrupted.

If you try to humanise him you may find he is more of a terminator than ladykiller so try thinking all day of Arnie and compare your lame stud very unfavourably with him.

For starters Arnie would return your glasses with more class and dignity!

Assume that aliens have vaporised your exstuds mind and he no longer has one because he has a programme there now and his memory is gone off all past actions!

Perhaps he did get abducted whilst on holiday or little creatures swam in through his ears and chomped up his memory cells in his brain.

But dont feel sad.

Your very own hubby is wondering when the aliens got you and if you have lost all memories similarly.

In fact check out your own hub just to be sure aliens didnt get him!

Regular loving phone calls to him would help and disregard the robots!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2017):

Hi Anonymous,

Ciar is right. His actions show that he has learned from his mistake, and want to keep the relationship between the two of you professional. Respect his wishes.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 August 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with Ciar,

He is having second thoughts, regrets or... he got caught. So all he wants now is to keep it professional as co-workers. He doesn't want to jeopardize his position OR his marriage.

So LEAVE him alone. You played with fire and got burned. Don't stick your hand back in the fire.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (10 August 2017):

Ciar agony auntThink about this: He's professional at work but ignores personal texts. That means he wants to keep your relationship purely professional.

Maybe he gave in to temptation and now regrets cheating on his wife. Maybe he regrets becoming involved with a colleague. Maybe he was only after sex all along. Who knows and more to the point, why should you care anymore? He's made his position clear. Professional only.

So I suggest you heed that, consider this a lesson learned and stop sending him texts, and no more overtures of a personal nature.

You're in your mid thirties. Time to act like it.

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