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What to do with my cheating friend?

Tagged as: Cheating, Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 August 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 11 August 2017)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

One of my girlfriends whom I have been friend for a year has had the tendency to sleep with men that are taken or take men from our circle - example one of our other gfs liked this guy at the bar and started talking to him- apparently he also liked my other gf. So instead of her stopping - she started talking to him behind our back till obviously the thing blew up in her face.

Previously she has also slept with another married man {knowingly) and her response was I knew he was married it was just for the thrill of it. What bothers me is my therapists advice of keeping away from her - we hung out a lot and my therapist said that "u hang out with her because she can't harm u now but wait till u find a man" that worries me.

I know my gf is obsessed with finding a guy no matter what and she is insecure about her looks- recently a guy started talking to her - who suprise - has a gf who she knows about! She is meeting with him to have sex - should I say something? Should I stop talking to her? In a way it makes me mad that someone knowingly wants to cause harm - she knows he is taken - this is the third guy.

View related questions: insecure, married man

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 August 2017):

She's that kind of female who likes guys who are taken and broken-in. She also gets her thrills from home-wrecking. It's narcissistic-supply for a narcissist. Her pleasure is another person's pain. Feeling a rush from the conquest she has made. She has betrayed a friend, destroying trust, and thereby killing a relationship. That's her thing. Destroying what other people have; because she doesn't have it. That's kind of evil.

Why should you talk to her now; when you've stood-by all this time and watched her go through other friend's relationships like a tornado? Now you want to say something?

Why on earth would you want to be friends or associate with the likes of a female like that?

You know her nasty ways, and still consider her a friend.

She's trying to make you just as guilty by association. You knew what she was doing and with whom; and didn't intervene.

Cut all ties with this woman!

Choose your friends according character. You are judged by the company you keep. You've known this all along, yet now you've grown a conscience. You've become concerned; because your therapist has warned you, and made you realize that what goes around comes around. You may be next! How you could know this and look all your other friends in the eyes is beyond me. The sooner you shake that she-demon loose the better off you will be.

If you've kept quiet this long, stay quiet. She's a grown woman, and it's best that she get caught and have to deal with the consequences.

If you want to tell her anything, explain to her why you can no longer be friends; because she is homewrecker and you don't want to be associated with women who do things like that. If she'll do that to others, nothing will stop her from doing it to you.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (10 August 2017):

Code Warrior agony auntIf you have losers in your life, they will bring their problems to your doorstep. Bank on it. Be they family or friends, at some point, their problems will become your problems. You can't do much about family, but there's no reason to keep friends with low moral standards. This woman has already brought stress into your life. No doubt, her actions have had negative consequences for you in in the past in some way, like having to lie for her, or someone coming down on you thinking that you either knew about something she did or should have known. What would happen if your friend screwed the wrong guy and his gf was a psycho that came after you to send a message to your friend?

Don't have losers and immoral people in your life and don't feel bad about giving them the boot. Yes, they will try to make you out to be the bad guy when you terminate the friendship, but I guarantee you that they sure as hell wouldn't feel bad about jamming you up. Just tell her that you don't like the way she goes after men and while you can't stop her, you don't have to condone it either and you're not going to have it be a part of your life.

If you don't want to confront her, just back away slowly over a period of months. Don't contact her. Just take progressively longer to call or text her back each time she tries to contact you. Have excuses ready, like you've been busy with work or family, or your phone died and you were out and had to wait until you got home to charge it. If she wants to go out, tell her you can't because you have to get up early the next day, or you're broke. Or, go out with her and then be a buzz kill. Act as if you're distracted with a personal, family, or work problem. Hopefully, she will eventually realize that you're just not very fun anymore and she'll back off on her own. There are a million ways to get people to stop hanging out with you. Do some online research and find out.

Whatever you do, don't hang out with losers.

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A male reader, devont United Kingdom +, writes (10 August 2017):

devont agony auntI don't think you'd be able to stop her, but talk to her if you want to.

I too have a friend who goes after men in relationships and the reason is because it makes her feel safe. If they reject her, it doesn't matter, because OF COURSE they were going to reject her because they are in a relationship. If she goes after someone who is single and they reject her, that's a reflection on her. She is extremely insecure and gets validation and an ego boost from knowing she is able to make men stray. She can also keep involved men at a good distance so she doesn't get hurt.

I've spoken to her about it and she cannot admit what she is doing. She can only ever see herself as a victim, she can't help it if men fall at her feet, can she? And if men do come after her, that's down to them, isn't it? That's how she feels and cannot ever acknowledge that she is in the wrong.

However, she is a very dear friend. She has my back, she is there for me when I need her and she is great fun. I am honest and upfront and challenge her on her behaviour with men and as a result sometimes I do have to take a break from her, but ultimately, she is my friend and I enjoy her company. I get pleasure from our interactions. Her controversial relationships are not the most important thing about her.

However, she has never gone after anyone we are friends with - I never know the men or their partners and if I did, that would change everything.

If you have got to the point where her behaviour stresses you out and you no longer get pleasure from your relationship, then it is time to move on. Be kind to her, but slowly remove her from your social circle.

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico + , writes (10 August 2017):

"Should I say something?"

NO

"Should I stop talking to her?"

YES. Like that other person you know told you, if you ever find a guy you like and he is interested in you, she will try to sleep with him. You don't want to be hurt by her in your quest for finding a men.

To me, your gf seems more like a FRENEMY than a real friend. She hangs with you just and your friends just for competition, as she is a competitive serial sleeper. The most dangerous the situation is, the more thrilled she is. The more you like the guy, the more thrilled she gets from knowing she slept with him first.

If you seriously plan to hang out with her more time, NEVER TELL HER WHO YOU LIKE. If you date with guys, just NEVER LET HER KNOW ABOUT IT, at least not until you are in more stable terms with your dates

Your gf is not a happy person, but feels joy in making her friends miserable as she can sleep with those guys they like.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2017):

Hi Anonymous,

I absolutely agree with Honeypie. If a conversation is needed with her it should be about her morals and common sense.

Sometimes we have to elinmate individuals from our circle that does not display the same believes as we do to reduce anxiety and troublesomeness.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 August 2017):

Honeypie agony auntShould you talk to her?

About what? Her lack of morals and common sense?

She knows what she is doing is trashy. But SHE gets something out of it. Be it the "thrill" of thinking that she is "better" than another woman by "taking" the other woman's BF. However, you CAN'T "steal" a person. She might GO after guys with a partner but if these guys were decent men, they would have turned her down.

And secondly, how is it your job to be the morality police? She isn't going to change because you tell her "shame on you!".

Would I keep her as a friend? HELL NO! She is a rotten friend and only concerned with her own little games. Why waste time on people you can't trust? Who you keep around you as friends can reflect on you too.

If I had a friend who went after a guy another friend was attracted to and talking too - JUST because she wanted the attention and to "win" - I certainly wouldn't keep her around to hurt OTHER friends. It's only a matter of time.

This is "High School" behavior. You women are GROWN and in your 30's. Seriously.

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