A
female
age
51-59,
*ella R
writes:I had an affair starting July 2014 got caught Feb 2015 Admitted affair to my husband of 26yrs. We talked and I decided I would move in with other man. But he made me wait until Mar 2015 so it was awful for my husband with me in the home until then. I have been living with other man until a few days ago when after lots of arguments he said it was over. I asked my husband if I could come back as he had been calling me saying he wanted to try again for the first 4 months I was gone. But I am in love with the other man and I'm not sure its fair to stay with husband. My youngest son aged 22 has said if I leave again he will never talk to me. My other son 24 says he just wants his dad I to be happy. The other man says we cant live together full time. Please help me I have no family except my husband and boys. My nerves are shot. I don't know how to start again on my own with no money or job or car. Neither men have money to help me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2015): Go back to your husband with a perfect understanding of where you heart is and what he should expect from you. If he offers you the kindness, there is no reason not to accept it; unless he feels your return is for the purpose of reconciliation. If there is the understanding that you may be moving on afterward; then there is truth shared between you.
In all honesty, if you've both cheated; and you feel in-love with someone else. There's no way you'll just reverse your feelings back to your husband.
There is no trust or fidelity at the core of your marriage, and something really important was lost when you both ventured out of it. So you may reconcile your differences as mature and reasonable adults; but the marriage may not be salvageable. There was only a half-hearted effort at a crucial time when the window of opportunity was open to repair it. Not before you decided to move-in with another man. You say you love that man. So that means you no longer love your husband as you once did.
Best of luck to you as you repair your life, and work to be kinder to each other.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2015): Go back to your husband. The most important thing for now is a roof over your head.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (4 November 2015):
 Perfect example of the grass ain't always greener. Truthfully I think staying with your husband for no other reason than financial is just as selfish as the affair. 29 years of marriage is not something you just get over in a matter of a few months. Like you being afraid financially of letting go and moving on, your husband is no doubt feeling the same way but from an emotional point. Mentally and emotionally you are both on different pages. Your husband hasn't really had enough time to go though the stages of infidelity and when he does will come to realise that he can and will be ok without you. He can't do that if you are still in the picture. Letting him work through that is probably the kindest thing you can do for the man that has shared the good, bad and the ugly of 29 years. Time to grow a moral backbone and do the right thing. If that means doing it tuff financially then so be it because it seems to be the norm that when it's the man that is the cheating spouse he should be the one walking away from it all or at least less. Make the right adjustments to what you may be accustom and you will be surprised at just how capable you can be living as a single woman.
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female
reader, Bella R +, writes (4 November 2015):
Bella R is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone for the feedback. The suggestions have all been helpful. There were many issues that were left unaddressed in the marriage before the affair including my husbands excessive gambling which he sought counselling for after I left. He is now repaying those debts. There was also a move interstate 15yrs ago to repair our marriage after his affair with my best friend. Our children were young and unaware of his affair & I prefer to keep it that way. This does not however in any way justify my decision to have an affair (with a friend who knew our history). My husband is allowing me to stay at the house given that during the aftermath of his affair I remained reasonable & although devastated I allowed him to stay in the family home. My parents have both passed and my only sister died 2months ago. My friends are understandably not supportive as it was my decision to leave my husband. I have after reading all your comments with my husbands knowledge been in contact with the other man to say I would like all contact to stop. I have deleted all ph email & social media in regard to him & have agreed to tell my husband if he makes any further contact. My husband is going to allow me to stay in the spare room while I find work & have some counselling & then when I am able to move into some alternate accommodation we will discuss whether we can have a future together. I am grateful for his kindness and glad thanks to the good advice here I have been able to take steps which allow us to remain friends. My husband has stated that he was ok with taking me back as we have always been able to make it through most obstacles. What I thought was love for this other man was nothing more than an attention filled ego trip & wake up call for me. However it still hurts as much as any break up does and it will take a little while to get over the whole thing. I am very grateful to all of you for helping me to find the clarity I needed.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (4 November 2015):
 Crunch time sweetheart!
You have made some choices and now you have to live with the consequences.
If you are in a city or larger town contact womens refuges for temporary housing, if you are not sure how to access contact the Salvation Army. Anglicare and the charity arm of the catholic church (Mercycare?) should have access to the same resources.
Get online and sign up a MyGov account, apply for Newstart, do this TODAY because once your application is approved you should be paid from the day you first apply, providing of course you submit all requested information within their usual 14 day timeframe.
You need to accept the guy you left your husband for is not going to be much chop when it comes to you rebuilding your life, if you are still harbouring thoughts of a relationship with him just check his behaviour to date to see what sort of man he is .... a man quite happy to have a sexual relationship with a married woman but when her husband finds out, instead of stepping up he says you have to stay in marital home until I am ready for you, and now he is tossing you out, knowing full well your situation.
If that is the sort of man you want, well, I don't hold much hope out for you.
Don't move back home with your EX husband and sons, because I don't believe you are over the other drop kick yet! Moving back and then moving out again, or even resuming the affair would be like a slap in the face for the three of them, and I feel that in your current frame of mind your hurting them all over again is inevitable.
Access the (very limited) help there is, the church groups listed above may be able to help you train for employment or offer job search skills and assistance. Its time for you to step up and be responsible for yourself.
Don't look for somebody to take care of you, you are a grown woman and that is YOUR job, not somebody elses.
Once you start to get back on your feet, with somewhere to live (even if it is state housing), a job, and work on your emotional well being and also work on rebuilding the trust of your sons. There must have been some issues in your marriage that led you to cheat on your husband, so once your physical needs are taken care of (roof, Centrelink payment or job) then you need to work out what those problems were, and if your marriage is able to be resuscitated.
Please be aware if you DO return (after you get your chit together) to your husband that your marriage is never going to be the same again, and that trust which can be destroyed in a moment will take years to rebuild.
So, phone the Salvos, then get online and apply for Newstart, pack your bags and restart your life. Yes, its scary and the outcome is unknown but at least you will have a starting point.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 November 2015):
 You feel you have two options but as I see it you have no choice but to remain with your husband. The other guy wants you to be his mistress until whenever and the argument was a sign that he would not commit further than what you had. Your husband is willing to take you back after cheating. Maybe it's love or maybe it's fear of having to pay you alimony when he has no money. I don't know what caused marriage problems. Anything so bad such as addiction or alienation that made your life so miserable? You don't have to do anything drastic. Staying home is better than venturing into an isolated world with no support. I see too many disadvantages stacked against you if you left home. I am all for finding happiness and not faking happy families. But with no income it makes it impossible to look elsewhere.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2015): Get your own place to live, and divorce your husband. I suggest you stay with a relative until you're on your feet.
It would be taking advantage of your estranged husband to move back in, with no intention of reconciliation.
It would be no less than hard-hearted to move back home with no sense of remorse about your disrespectful behavior towards your marriage and your children. You have no feelings for him. You'd be exploiting the fact he is willing to forgive you; with the expectation you're coming home to your marriage. Not just looking for a place to stay; because your lover dumped you.
If you do return to him, you had better be totally honest about your feelings towards him, and about the other man. Living with him under false-pretenses will completely strip you of any decency or credibility as a person. I think after 26 years of marriage, you might want to show some honor and self-respect.
If he is a cruel and abusive man, or a neglectful spouse; why would you return to that? Surely, there is some other place you can find to live?
He only wants you back if you want to come back to him. Not just looking for a place to rest your cheating head, and for someone to financially-support you.
I say, find yourself someplace else to live and clean-up your act, my dear. Karma can be wicked, and you have the devil to pay!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2015): Probably not a good idea to move back in with your husband if you don't love him. It will only hurt him more. Move in with one of your sons or a friend. Get a job and get on your feet. It is the right thing to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2015): Your husband obviously still loves you but you shouldn't move in with him if you don't love him back. It will only hurt him more. If you can move in with one of your sons or a friend and get on your feet by getting a job and start taking care of yourself. That would be the best option.
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